Marriage is not the reason for life itself

That concept is surely something most would say that they agree with, but do we really as a society? They also happen to be the words of Alabama resident Rhea Jill Paul.

Rhea was kind enough for me to interview her about this obsession our society, especially in the South, has with marriage.

“Being born into a strict religious family in the South, I was inundated with the message that my purpose in life was to grow up, go to college, and get married,” she said. “This in fact was the pivotal factor in deciding which college to attend after graduating from high school.”

Rhea is 34 and has never been married. At 17 she began her adult studies at a private religious college. However it wasn’t the books and courses that weighed heavy on her mind — it was the constant questions from her mother of whether or not she met someone. And it wasn’t just her family applying the pressure. It was also her community.

“Because of the tremendous expectations to marry all throughout my life, when I did not find someone that was even almost suitable to have a long term relationship with, it devastated me,” she said. “That was in my twenties.”

Because of her age and surroundings, Rhea has had her share of questioning — and speculation from others. The overall impression is that something must be “wrong” with her. But what if the reasons are because of, as she pointed out, cultural or preferential reasons? One example she mentioned is if you simply just don’t want to marry? Or if you can’t because of your orientation? Being that there are so many factors that may be involved, the simple question is:  What’s the big deal?

“I simply may just want to be. Being single does not mean I am not desirable, or that something is wrong with me,” Rhea said. “It does not mean I am asexual or have some mutant gene, or that some dude almost killed me and I’m just done with men period. It does not mean I am a male hater and feel that I do not need a man in my life. It does not mean that I will never marry. Hell, Gloria Steinem first married at age 66!”

For Rhea and others in her same position, the societal forced urgency of having to get married just to be married has escaped her — a big reason being is that old adage that marriage shouldn’t be taken for granted. Seems like an obvious enough statement but it isn’t always exactly followed. Just look at today’s divorce rate. And maybe even over your shoulder! Serial marriages are a constant such as in Rhea’s case where many of her friends have already seen more than their share of walking down the isle.

“I cannot tell you how many times I have had to ask some women, always tactfully of course, ‘How do you spell your last name?’ because sometimes I’m just not sure if the marriage is or isn’t,” she said. “And because of this sad phenomenon, marriage evokes different definitions to many people.”

The definition of marriage for Rhea is rooted in spirituality — “sacred and special” she said. She also said she would love to be in a “healthy, respectful, loving and nurturing relationship with the right man” and would surely choose that scenario over being single. And there isn’t any doubt that Rhea would do so while still keeping her identity in tact. Her advice to other single women?

“Get out there, be the person you want to be, explore, create, travel, do fun and exciting things, don’t wait until you find someone — do what you want to do right now, and he will come when the time is right!”