Marriage keeps rearing its ugly head

No matter how hard I try to fight it, I’m approaching 31 as of 49 days from now, give or take some hours. And the fact remains, to be over 30 and not ever married makes you a marked woman. When men approach this age and are never married, we tend to just shrug it off as a guy who is still “sewing his oats” or got so career-minded he seemed to have forgot to find a great gal and marry her. When women get to this point, we tend to shake our head, label her and decide she must be damaged goods. You may be sitting there  in absolute disagreement but don’t deny it. Women in there 30s still single, never married, seems to be an oddity in concept but surely increasing in numbers.

Being a photographer, I know find myself always surrounded in weddings. I love to shoot them. They are beautiful and the girly-girl in me gets kind of goofy in all the flutter and tulle. But for some reason, while I’m shooting, I don’t really get emotional about the vows and the rings and the words…words…words…That’s all they are until you get home and spend about seven years with the person. Then I wonder do people remember those words they said in front of family, friends, random plus ones and our God of many names.

So far I’m pretty much the last of my old-school friends who isn’t married, engaged or practically married and I will admit it feels kind of weird. I’m not sure what I really see in a marriage other than the fact that two people can coexist with each other, support each other and keep a 50/50 playing field. I always imagined a marriage for myself as one where the two of us play hard, work hard and if we go to bed angry, we wake up having the makeup. That’s probably very unrealistic because it’s so simple and nothing is simple.

Self-discovery isn’t overrated. I feel we all need time alone to even know what the hell we want or even who in the world we are. Sometimes that takes a while. And sometimes when you find all of that, your life can hit a reset button and you start all over again. The question is, do we do alone?

Is being alone all that bad?

I have been slacking on this blog. But not so much when it comes to commenting on previous posts here, namely the ones about today’s negative belief in women. Just look at the most popular posts on the right of the page and you will see they have to do with Tom Leykis. But not really just about him –  this new (ish) view of marriage, women and feminism. It’s all very stimulating and I find the male responses to be more than a little insightful –  it’s very exciting in a sad/interesting/enlightening way. And the more that I read into what these men are saying, the more I keep asking myself: Is being alone all that bad?

When did all of this relationship stuff get so damn complicated? When did we become enemies of ourselves and of each other’s sex? What happens to a world filled with people who pretty much say, “I can do bad all by myself” or “I’m much better off alone”? I’ve become one of those people — reluctantly I guess. I realize now that I will probably be alone but I don’t cry about it. Ask me 10 years ago and I would have thought it was the end of the world. Instead I see it as another hurdle I need to face, overcome and move on — mainly because I see even more now that men in general don’t seem to see/want the same things I do. And if they do, nine times out of ten they are married. And they may only seem to go my direction because they are looking for some diversity and I don’t mean race/culture. I mean distractions from reality — their own private Idaho they don’t always want to come home to.

Being that I’m not the type to go after a married man, but tend to be apathetic at the wrong times, this just means I get to let them vent. I’m always left wondering, “How did THEY get there?” I have yet to see what the big deal about marriage is! So far all I’ve learned from other people’s marriages is that freedom is sweet. And that I’m lucky not to have to worry about kids because nine times out of ten an unhappy marriage stays together for the kids’ sake. How sad! Who wants to live like that?

Ultimately, or usually, people who date long-term turn to each other after an average of about three years and ask, “Now what?” Planning that wedding becomes the answer and believe me, I’ve been guilty of that. I’ve been engaged twice. And I guess I’ve always just figured I failed. But maybe I escaped? Maybe I’m just free to live the life I should and would have never had if I was shackled and knocked up.

So: Is being along all that bad? And is it just a reflection of our bitterness toward each other as human beings? OK: Woman got too independent. Men stop needing us for anything more than sex. These are statements I’ve ACTUALLY heard. What do you think?

How Tom Leykis makes those millions…

Radio shock jock Tom Leykis has found the right formula to make sure he keeps himself bathing in millions –  just the perfect amount of guidance, relatable anecdotes for the “average” guy who can’t stand his current relationship but needs help out of it and more than a dash of painting women as whores. Like I’ve said before, I listen. Do I listen all day? No. For all I know someone has called in and blasted my ass on the air for even daring question Tom’s motives. However, his show usually catches me at drive-time home from my JOB by the way. Did I not mention. I do have one. Something that Leykis would probably be surprised about since he believes the average woman is on welfare and just waiting to bait a man with pregnancy in order to be taken care of — something I would jump off a cliff before EVER letting happen. I find myself, no matter how awful some of the things he says, turning up my radio, sometimes laughing my butt off at the idiots who call in and at least once a week agreeing with Leykis — much to my dismay. In fact sometimes it makes me feel dirty when I do.

The reason I’m ranting is that my February post about Tom and the average guy has been gaining some steam lately. The last commenter made sure to lump me in the category of the kind of chick that Leykis talks about which is pretty funny considering a lot of the posts I’ve written here on this blog. But really, I can’t blame him. He obviously just Googled Tom Leykis, found my blog, and neglected to dig deeper. I’ve encountered and despise the kind of woman that fuels this hatred.  And it makes me sick that it ruins it for the rest of us. I’m not perfect but I’m sure no one is unless you ask faithful listeners who will say Leykis (or “Dad” as many fans call him) is perfection reincarnated from Jesus. But there are listeners who aren’t necessarily fundamentalists of “Dad.” Make sure to read Shaun’s comment over at the aforementioned post I wrote earlier this year. He makes a very reasonable point about Leykis being the result of the options and lifestyle of today’s male. I specifically like this point:

There is simply little incentive outside of cultural or religious pressures for young men to get married. The single life plays into men’s social and sexual tendencies as well, as males have always been satisfied as rogues in society, perfectly satisfied with mistresses and extra-marital affairs for centuries. In essence, I don’t think that Tom Leykis is an influence on modern male sociology as much as he is an open reflection of it.

That makes perfect sense, unfortunately. The world of today just doesn’t lend itself to a plausible reason for marriage…though I would argue that isn’t just in the case of men but women as well.

But I still have to drive home the point that we can’t lump everyone, even when the exceptions to the “rule” are few and far between. I’m sure there are times I wasn’t the most wonderful in my relationships — quite sure. But one thing I never expected out of them was to be tolerated as I sit on my rear, waiting to be doted over and not lifting a finger to help out in any way. That’s just not how I was brought up and I pride myself on my Independence and ability to look after myself. That said, I AM a woman –  but really, I don’t always roar. It has been said that Tom is the original feminist but even I (a real woman last I checked) have my moments of femininity because honestly I do have estrogen after all. Nothing I can do about that. And he makes it quite clear that the overbearing, non-feminine type of woman is to be avoided but the very thing that makes us so feminine can really at times be the very thing Tom shuns. I shutter to think at that conundrum.

I’m just fine in my skin — with or without a guy on my arm. And I think there are many women who feel the same. I just can’t seem to understand why the die-hard listeners can’t just see that Tom is what several people have noted in my February post — an entertainer. But the younger generation that listens to him is where I have often scratched my head. On one hand, I love what Tom tells them because it pretty much means that they will never want to even think about getting married too young or knocking up some less-than-ready-to-be-a-mom teen or being just plain careless. But on the other, those impressionable men are going to grow up hating women, just use them to get laid and then running like hell (or force an abortion) when/if the woman gets pregnant. And while I agree with the madness, I don’t like the method.

Once upon a time, I did the Leykis 101 bit before I even listened or knew who the hell he was. I didn’t go ANYWHERE without my favorite, well let’s just say protection. I got what I wanted, when I wanted it, every time I wanted it but at SOME point, don’t you have to grow up and figure out another way to exist without seeing people as a depository for sexual release and non-emotional attachments? And that doesn’t necessarily mean getting married or starting a family or even being serious with someone all of the time just to feel validated. It just means respecting yourself, and yes, I will say it…respecting others. What a f-ing concept.

Do women need men for safety?

That may seem like a very pre-feminist movement question. A resounding “What a ludicrous question!” can be heard at this very moment from the tops of every fem-movement mountain top as I type this.

But given the acceptance of not really seeing anyone and also being a new homeowner, I have started to ponder this conundrum. Did I feel safer knowing I was living around men in apartments than I do living next door to other single women? Unfortunately, yes. And I’m a bit ashamed to admit it. Granted, the people I’m surround by are very alert. Plus I’m not sure it’s more of a thing that with apartments you are surrounded by others than it really being about living next to men. One thing I can safely admit is that even with an alarm system, a neighbor with a dog, my own alert behavior when coming home later at night, I still wonder if I would feel more at ease with a man around.

So what do you do when you don’t have one around? You man up. You stay cautious in addition to help your neighbors out and they will in turn help you. But I still am scratching my head on how safe that makes me feel. Many feminists (if they aren’t anti-gun activists) “man up” with a gun, a notion I have thought about often but never found myself in the way of a real gun owner. And isn’t that terrible? I say “man up” and associate that with a deadly weapon. The two are not connected necessarily but see how I made that connection? We at times marry masculinity with violence and quite possibly that is another reason I’m reverting to June Cleaver a little bit with this topic. And it is obviously ironic in that I’m asking the question of the correlation of safety and having a guy around but making note that violence can also be attributed to the male species. What a quandary. I’m a victim of old ideals meshing with new thought and a change in lifestyle.

But I sincerely would like your opinon.

Does the average man think like Tom Leykis?

Don’t date single mothers. Don’t spend more than 40 bucks on a date or better yet — find a way not to spend anything at all. Don’t get married. These are all common demands that spew from the highly-popular radio talk show host Tom Leykis. And obviously I listen because that is why I know he says these things on a daily basis. There is no denying listening to this man is like trying to turn away from a pink elephant prancing down the street which is so ridiculous that you can’t help but find yourself laughing. It doesn’t happen all the time, but he has some fairly provocative points somewhere in all of his muck which sometimes I’m ashamed that I agree with to a degree.I also listen because I want a better pulse on what the average guy is thinking and what they are doing when it comes to relationships.

If the reality is anything like the advice of Leykis, good luck. Admittedly this guy has been divorced so many times he almost rivals Elizabeth Taylor. And he makes no qualms that his seven figure paycheck keeps him plenty happy without the trappings of a woman wanting a relationship. But his male listeners are followers and because of his popularity, you may very well find yourself being a victim of the sheer a-woman-is-nothing-more-than-a-way-to-get-my-kicks mentality. I think we all want to believe we have grown from the caveman mindset. Maybe we have since 1950 but if we don’t look out, these types of stereotypes of women will grow. And many times it is other women who ruin it for the next chick.

Meeting new people can sometimes take risks…

This will be a quick update.

I’ve never done the whole “meetup” thing before. It always seemed kind of risky just to join a group of folks you have never met and then join them in events. But I’m quite glad I did. Last night’s pajama party was a blast. Not many guys though. And the one everyone was drooling over had his eyes on one girl in particular. 

I didn’t wear pjs. I donned sweats and my favorite Mavericks T-shirt from a recent game. I now have a nickname from it. I think I like Maverick better than my childhood nickname of Squeaky… Overall: Best $17 I’ve ever spent — had to bring some libations.

So Larry, a frequent reader here, asked for photos…

I don’t think so sir! You will just have to believe, but really, it wasn’t as risque as it sounded. Except for the question game which included a very naughty question from me that asked, “What can you do with silly string?” Ahaha. 

Anyway, no one was half nude.

Women can not live without drama…

So there I was. Prime ready for my first event with this singles women’s group. It’s tonight and I’m still going, but yesterday was an odd flurry of emails from this one particluar woman who didn’t seem to have read not only the description of the co-ed pajama party but it also seems she didn’t read the description of the group itself.

She was upset because the pajama party was going to have boys over (it’s not really a sleepover by the way) and said that it never was stated anywhere in the emails or the event info. Not true. She just didn’t put on her reading glasses.

She sent out the most bitchy email to everyone:

Trying something new in pajamas

My first meet-up event is this weekend. It’s a co-ed pajama party. “What?!” you might say? Yep. A co-ed pajama party but I’m very sure it’s not as kinky as it sounds. And it isn’t an over-nighter unless people get too bombed to drive home. It really seems like this group of single women in Dallas have a great rapport with one another and are career-minded, smart and witty. I’m looking forward to it because I can only hope the same type of guys hang around them — I hope anyway. Either way, it will be a way to meet new people.

As life trudges along friendships fade away, people move away and people get married away. Every so often it is good to put yourself out there and see what new faces you can place in your life. I’ll keep you posted…

Fending for yourself…

Yesterday a friend from work and I went to the lake by my apartment and walked. I took along my camera as I always do when I walk the lake. Usually alone. My friend had recently discovered the lake and fell in love with the area. She’s not really from here and I guess one day she just went driving, got out and walked…

Anyway this trek of ours wasn’t supposed to be that long. We both decided that before she came to my apartment. As we walked, we yapped about work of course. Where we wanted to be next year. And I snapped a lot of pics. Before we knew it I guess it may have been about 45 minutes and we looked around. I asked her if she wanted to turn back but by the look of her face and my frowned brow we both decided we were too curious and walked some more. However, we were headed nowhere near my apartment.

Why are we so hung up about race?

 I posted the following on my other blog. But I wanted to share it with the readers here and see your thoughts. This is such an old topic–interracial dating. But it seems that the concerns are still very present in our society. My question to you is “Why?”

I gotta tell you; I’ve not had any slowing down of my old post about interracial dating. It still gets a fair amount of hits. This isn’t a call for all of you jokesters to start finding more weird search engine terms to get to this blog and then for me to write about them. But for some reason I get on a daily basis at least a dozen search engine terms looking for a variety of topics surrounding black women and white men dating. And lately Jewish men dating black women. WTF? Is this really THAT taboo still? I’ve dated the rainbow, as I’ve told you before, and I just never really saw dating a white man a big deal. Does the rest of society?

I will be honest though. I’m thinking the resurgence of this topic is because of the opposite happening: black men and white women. I’m not going to do some census search on this but I’m just thinking about my every day life in Texas. I see an increasing number of black men and white women coupled up. I don’t have a problem with this but I can only imagine that the two left are looking at each other, shrugging and saying, “Well, why don’t we?”

That said though, there is still so much hesitation. Believe me. White men dating black women isn’t very common here. Not sure about your area of the world. I really dig shows like “Private Practice” that treat interracial connections as something that isn’t a matter of discussion. The main discussion on that show is that the lead black female character has to choose between two men — a black one she was married to and a white one who loves her so much that is the only reason he works in the office. Race isn’t an issue. I can’t stand shows that make that the MAIN issue. The tired old story of “what will my parents think?” Aren’t we over this yet? I just don’t get it.

So for those of you searching to see if this is some “strange” concept, stop. Just go with it. Ask that black chick out. Ask that white dude out. Enjoy Hanukkah with that chocolate hottie…

WTF are you waiting for?

Marriage is not the reason for life itself

That concept is surely something most would say that they agree with, but do we really as a society? They also happen to be the words of Alabama resident Rhea Jill Paul.

Rhea was kind enough for me to interview her about this obsession our society, especially in the South, has with marriage.

“Being born into a strict religious family in the South, I was inundated with the message that my purpose in life was to grow up, go to college, and get married,” she said. “This in fact was the pivotal factor in deciding which college to attend after graduating from high school.”

Rhea is 34 and has never been married. At 17 she began her adult studies at a private religious college. However it wasn’t the books and courses that weighed heavy on her mind — it was the constant questions from her mother of whether or not she met someone. And it wasn’t just her family applying the pressure. It was also her community.

“Because of the tremendous expectations to marry all throughout my life, when I did not find someone that was even almost suitable to have a long term relationship with, it devastated me,” she said. “That was in my twenties.”

Winter fever

It’s true. If a woman wants to get laid, all she need do is breath in the direction of a guy she’s got her eye on and the deal is sealed. I don’t have hard facts or articles to link to this so don’t look for some. Eh. It just is…

So when I started drooling over John Edwards, I knew that something was starting to turn seriously awry. I must need to get laid. I will say that as of late I haven’t really thought about it thoroughly really. I don’t wake up every day craving it. Needing it. Wondering about it. It’s just that I usually know when what I call winter fever starts to hit. To me it’s worse than spring fever. That time of year never affected me. No, it’s those times of year when it’s all cold outside and you want to get all toasty inside. The season of building intimate fires to keep warm and cream liquor flowing in glass tumblers. I think John is only the peak before the crescendo.  The last time this happened, well…Anyway.

I’ve changed so much since my winters of yesteryear. Casual sex and I will never cross paths again — I don’t think. Well all I know is that I still fear all the risks. Is it goofy to wait for “love?” Yes. It surely is. Maybe waiting for “not the guy I just met” is more feasible in today’s times.  I do believe putting my health first before whims of emotion or desire. And I choose to put my worth ahead of choosing a brief encounter. It took so very long to realize it wasn’t worth it.

So what now?

Well, thank the goddess for reoccupation after all…

Should you just stay home?

When I was quite a bit younger I always thought it was better to have a very large pool of friends. That meant that on any given night I may have gone out with three or more friends at tow. Today that kind of thing isn’t really the case anymore.

Many friends have moved away, drifted, lost common interests – so now what friends that I have left are what many people call associates –  not really that close but hang out from time to time. And I have my workmates or what close friends that stuck around through my ever-changing life. What happens though when you get older is that many of the friends left are in the middle of relationships, having children, getting married…

When you are single, those things are strangers to you. When you are confidently single those things can still shake your contentment with being alone. One of the reasons for this is what I encountered last night. Many people I know had decided to settle in with spouses and pass out candy to the Halloween trick-or-treaters. Some I didn’t call because I knew they are “dating” and nothing makes a person more flaky than a new relationship! But I’m not one to sit around and wait for things to happen. I decided to venture out on my own last night.

Some of you reading this may say why in the hell would you want to go somewhere alone? But why not? There’s no one to babysit. No one to drive home. No one to keep tabs on but yourself. And I’m happy to report that I had a great time heading out solo. Which has been the case before when I’ve made such a decision because I’m a strong advocate of not waiting around for someone to feed your happiness. You have to do this all on your own. You can’t always depend on people to share your enthusiasm of things and you can’t force them to always come along.

Instead of playing a tiny violin at your pity party next time you find yourself with possible plans but no one around to join you, go out on a limb and try it on your own. And if you are female (though males can be in danger too I guess if out alone at night!) follow these very obvious steps.

• Don’t get plastered. You don’t want to be the lonely person at the bar getting hammered. And more importantly, staying a bit more sober ensures you won’t have poor judgement come 2 a.m. Don’t let me go there…
• Walk to your car with your head up and look around at all times. Keep your keys out and look like you just pissed yourself. That facial expression alone will ward off potential harassers!
• Don’t get too comfy even if you are having a blast. Just one quick lapse in judgement can cost you a purse — or a wallet.
• Keep your class tightly in your hand — never leaving your side. Even if you have to put it on the toilet paper dispenser when you have to excuse yourself to the restroom..
• Remember to have fun. Don’t sit around worrying and feeling self-conscious about being by yourself. Sometimes it pays off in meeting new people. Some may even be alone themselves.

The bottom line is that if given the choice of attending an interesting party alone or staying at home ALONE because no one wanted to tag along, why would anyone want to sit around? Please prove me wrong if you don’t agree. I want to hear your opinions. Me? I would have been wondering what I was missing and isn’t getting out into the world one of the major points of life?

Jab, bob and leave

I tried a little experiment last week.

I’ve been reading a lot — OK, OK, the reading was on AskMen.com — about how today’s women are super independent, make their own money, handle their stuff (all that wonderful feminist banter we have come to know and love) but the complaint has been that these women are still not asking out men. And as I pushed on, search engines seemed to bring up numerous links addressing a variation of the following question, “Why don’t women ask men out?”

I disagree but only slightly because I believe that a man should take the lead at some point but not necessarily at the start. So being that I was at an event that just happened to be at a bar, I fulfilled the bar-meet-up stereotype — only I stepped up to the guy first. And I even decided to approach him as a guy would with the whole jab, bob and leave routine.

Scenario:

I said hello. Easy enough. Then I proceeded to sweet-talk him into buying a raffle for the benefit I was there supporting. When he said he hadn’t any cash and that he paid for his wristband with a check (geez), I just quickly said, “Well, I’ll get the raffle and you can just buy me a drink.” Mission accomplished and with a large grin, I might add.
The next thing I made sure of was to only keep the small talk short. When I received my drink, I said “I’ve got to get back to my friends but how about I leave you my number?”
He does one better and gives me his phone and I enter my digits.
Then he says, “If you get tired of your friends, you are welcome to come back.”
After I walked away and sat with my friends, I noticed he kept trying to hold the chair I was previously using as an anchor during our chat.

Just because it’s on sale, you don’t have to buy it

Those words of wisdom came from The Loudmouth Protestant, one of my readers at my other blog.  I’ve got to thank LMP for her stating that phrase I’m using in the title of this post.

It was in response to a post I wrote about the burden of when someone in your past wants back in your life. And what you should do about it. As this saying obviously says, you are shopping and see something on sale and available — but do you need it?

This may seem like a quite pedestrian comparison, but I like it and it makes sense. There are so many romantics out there and I’m sure you are groaning at such a metaphor. Hey, sometimes you just need a good metaphor!I think when you are single, it can just get tempting to go back to the familiar — someone who you once had a relationship. But I say be careful on your shopping excursion. Does the outfit fit at all? Does it compliment the rest of your wardrobe? It may be on sale now, but why didn’t you purchase it before if it was a true ”must have?” Are you buying it just because you need something new and not because you need it? Sure it’s not perfect, but does it even suite you? Once you have pondered all that, the answer will probably become clearer for you. It did for me. And just because many people would choose being a couple over being confidently single, doesn’t mean you have to go snatch up the first sight of a potential reunion. Be careful and look at it with the eyes of “is this something I need in my life?”

That said, there’s nothing wrong with browsing, trying on and looking at your potential purchase in the mirror. But before you take out your heart and risk the purchase, be sure. And don’t be afraid of the alternative — being uncommitted to the excursion all together and going home without anything on your arm. It just leaves room for more opportunity at another time.

Smashing the single woman stereotype

Single women are not generally unhappy.

However if someone were to ask me three months ago if I was terribly unhappy being single, I would have only half-way raised my hand. I say half-way because terribly unhappy is an exaggeration. A little unhappy was a realization. But if you asked me today, I would say I was finally content. That resolve didn’t happen overnight nor was it an easy road. However if you are an unhappy single woman, consider this: In a January Talk of the Nation segment, the following was discussed.

For what may be the first time, 51 percent of American women are living without a husband. And single women are more socially connected, economically stable, and happier than ever before.

This is no coincidence. Women are just getting stronger by the minute and realizing they don’t need a husband to survive. They are making their own way through life and finally putting rest the old fashioned idea of needing a significant other. Those statements aren’t my proclamation of a feminist movement. It is just fact. In my company alone there are several women who have just been promoted passed the glass ceiling and are continuing to whack the hell out of it. Even though some of them are married, they were the driven type of individuals who were well on their path of success. If they weren’t married, they could still stand on their own two feet.

As for me, the timing of my own contentment coincided with several self-realizations.

A.) I finally accepted my place in my career.

B.) I began venturing out in several avenues of self-improvement.

C.) I stopped beating myself up about marking SINGLE on those annoying little boxes on various paperwork.

Being single isn’t a fault. It isn’t something to appologize for when people around you may shake their heads and ask, “What’s so great about being single?”

From BaltAmour writer Maryann James.

I was out with two of my friends the other night, one (Friend 1) who is going through a break-up and another (Friend 2) who is still fighting a fake-up, when Friend 1 asked us, “What’s so great about being single?”

There was silence at the table. Then, being the swinging single I am, I responded, “Because you’re free! You don’t have to answer to anyone! You can be your own person!”

Which is partly true, and partly a lie. When you’re in a relationship, you can still be your own person. (In fact, I’d say it’s better when you are.) The only difference between being single and taken is that when you’re single, you can afford to be selfish and have some measure of all-about-me focus, because, well, it is only you.

Someone tell me, what is really all that sad about that?!