Single and sober…

When you are young and single…and you aren’t exactly a shrinking violet, the No. 1 thing you do is go to a very SOCIAL situation that usually has booze. And by social situation I mean bar.

The bar is the main locale for: engagement parties, birthdays, receptions, etc. It’s hard to avoid. But when you are me, (no longer drinking) these social scenes become hard. Seems like when I drank, everything seemed fun. Now if I spend an hour sober somewhere booze-infused, I’m pretty bored. In that hour I realize people aren’t talking about anything that interests me. And I notice that people do some pretty hilarious stuff they won’t remember the next day.

It’s like watching a mirror you don’t really own anymore. You know what you are looking at but now it’s like, I don’t know, no longer your view. This makes it tough to be youngish and single when even your married friends (when they can finally break free) want to hit a happy hour.

Also, if you are not looking to stay single, people who hit on you in these situations are kind of a drag. You are  left wondering: Hum, do they want my mind or are they wearing beer goggles or their heart in their pants? So you leave an hour later. And then you sit on your back porch or deck and ponder. Or maybe that’s just me.

When you work as much as I do, now almost five years at the same company while working to grow my photography biz, you don’t have time for the more meaningful connections as much as you would like. Happy hours and weekend gatherings surrounded by alcohol are pretty much your mainstay options if you want to stay in the loop.

So this is where I ask you the question: What do you do when you are single and sober?

The Obama effect

I’ve always been an open-minded girl. A lot of people say that, and don’t really mean it. But I’m not a lot of people. I can safely say I’ve dated (or otherwise fill-in-the-blank-ed) every race, religion, color and creed. I have been a walking United Colors of Benetton ad for about 20 years.

That said, I can’t help but feel a little bit hopeful (pun intended) about my dating options with president-elect Barack Obama in office. I mean, if we finally became “brave” enough and open enough to get a black man in the White House, can’t we say the same of our old ideas of dating? This may be kind of a stretch, but humor me a little: What we thought we would never see, now is and as voters, everyone seemed to set aside racial issues (for the most part) and voted their conscious. Why was that so hard? Honestly, this isn’t a post about my political views. In fact, I didn’t really know WHO I wanted to vote for until the very day I pushed the red button to send my choice (early voter…).

Even though Obama is a reflection of how two people can see pass race and/or religion, I’ve always felt being here in the South, that the general standard of acceptance are couples who are only white with white, black with black, Asian with Asian. You get the point. I will always remember in college when one of my exes broke up with me basically because his very Southern, closed-minded parents would have never accepted me. No matter my future or education.

Will that all change now? Will we finally officially take down the barriers we so often put up when it comes to our dating pool? I for one have noticed a slight difference. Of course, some of that could be because I just went shopping and hired a personal trainer. But you never know.
Change may be about more than just our political history. It may be about our bedrooms too…

Or maybe not…Proposition 8, anyone?

No, I don’t want kids. Problem?

A few weeks back I paid a visit to my ear, nose and throat doctor. It is Texas after all and I am always bound to have some kind of ailment. While I was in the freezing waiting room, I began to dose. Every so often I would pop open one eye and kind of look around to see who may have caught me jolting myself awake on occasion when I went too far into sleep. I noticed something as I did this little ritual — I was the only person in the room without a kid on my hip, on my lap or in a seat next to me acting up and hating life in the waiting room while throwing random toys around. First instinct: thank goodness. Second instinct:Why are there so many damn kids in here?

I found myself double checking where I was being that I had only seen this doctor one other time. Does he specialize in pediatrics or am I just not on the “birthin’ babies bandwagon.” Realizing that it must be the latter, I was quite fine not having a slobber machine with me. Don’t get me wrong, I love children. In fact I’m pretty great with kids. The place was filled with cute bundles of joy. And it was filled with the other kind — the ones that grow up and throw ADD fits in a corner while mom is saying, “You aren’t going to get to see Jimmy at tonight’s game if you don’t act right and finish your homework!”

I left the office after my appointment feeling free but weird at the same time. I’m 30. Am I supposed to have already been knocked up? Recently I had a conversation with a married friend. He is always saying, “Oh you say that now” when I say I don’t want children. I always want to say back to him, “No, I say it always.  I don’t.”

And because I am so good with rug rats, I’m often asked, “Why don’t you want any?! You are so good with them.” I’m so good with them because at the end of the day, I don’t have to raise them. You do.

‘About Me’ rewrite…

What a year. I’ve reedited my About Me for the last time (minus the possible change of times, dates, past tense). The fact that I’ve done so more than once this year is quite telling of my journey of singledom and acceptance. If you are new here, read it. If you are a kind of regular reader, get more acquainted with it and get back to me. Did you notice anything different?

Is being alone all that bad?

I have been slacking on this blog. But not so much when it comes to commenting on previous posts here, namely the ones about today’s negative belief in women. Just look at the most popular posts on the right of the page and you will see they have to do with Tom Leykis. But not really just about him –  this new (ish) view of marriage, women and feminism. It’s all very stimulating and I find the male responses to be more than a little insightful –  it’s very exciting in a sad/interesting/enlightening way. And the more that I read into what these men are saying, the more I keep asking myself: Is being alone all that bad?

When did all of this relationship stuff get so damn complicated? When did we become enemies of ourselves and of each other’s sex? What happens to a world filled with people who pretty much say, “I can do bad all by myself” or “I’m much better off alone”? I’ve become one of those people — reluctantly I guess. I realize now that I will probably be alone but I don’t cry about it. Ask me 10 years ago and I would have thought it was the end of the world. Instead I see it as another hurdle I need to face, overcome and move on — mainly because I see even more now that men in general don’t seem to see/want the same things I do. And if they do, nine times out of ten they are married. And they may only seem to go my direction because they are looking for some diversity and I don’t mean race/culture. I mean distractions from reality — their own private Idaho they don’t always want to come home to.

Being that I’m not the type to go after a married man, but tend to be apathetic at the wrong times, this just means I get to let them vent. I’m always left wondering, “How did THEY get there?” I have yet to see what the big deal about marriage is! So far all I’ve learned from other people’s marriages is that freedom is sweet. And that I’m lucky not to have to worry about kids because nine times out of ten an unhappy marriage stays together for the kids’ sake. How sad! Who wants to live like that?

Ultimately, or usually, people who date long-term turn to each other after an average of about three years and ask, “Now what?” Planning that wedding becomes the answer and believe me, I’ve been guilty of that. I’ve been engaged twice. And I guess I’ve always just figured I failed. But maybe I escaped? Maybe I’m just free to live the life I should and would have never had if I was shackled and knocked up.

So: Is being along all that bad? And is it just a reflection of our bitterness toward each other as human beings? OK: Woman got too independent. Men stop needing us for anything more than sex. These are statements I’ve ACTUALLY heard. What do you think?

How Tom Leykis makes those millions…

Radio shock jock Tom Leykis has found the right formula to make sure he keeps himself bathing in millions –  just the perfect amount of guidance, relatable anecdotes for the “average” guy who can’t stand his current relationship but needs help out of it and more than a dash of painting women as whores. Like I’ve said before, I listen. Do I listen all day? No. For all I know someone has called in and blasted my ass on the air for even daring question Tom’s motives. However, his show usually catches me at drive-time home from my JOB by the way. Did I not mention. I do have one. Something that Leykis would probably be surprised about since he believes the average woman is on welfare and just waiting to bait a man with pregnancy in order to be taken care of — something I would jump off a cliff before EVER letting happen. I find myself, no matter how awful some of the things he says, turning up my radio, sometimes laughing my butt off at the idiots who call in and at least once a week agreeing with Leykis — much to my dismay. In fact sometimes it makes me feel dirty when I do.

The reason I’m ranting is that my February post about Tom and the average guy has been gaining some steam lately. The last commenter made sure to lump me in the category of the kind of chick that Leykis talks about which is pretty funny considering a lot of the posts I’ve written here on this blog. But really, I can’t blame him. He obviously just Googled Tom Leykis, found my blog, and neglected to dig deeper. I’ve encountered and despise the kind of woman that fuels this hatred.  And it makes me sick that it ruins it for the rest of us. I’m not perfect but I’m sure no one is unless you ask faithful listeners who will say Leykis (or “Dad” as many fans call him) is perfection reincarnated from Jesus. But there are listeners who aren’t necessarily fundamentalists of “Dad.” Make sure to read Shaun’s comment over at the aforementioned post I wrote earlier this year. He makes a very reasonable point about Leykis being the result of the options and lifestyle of today’s male. I specifically like this point:

There is simply little incentive outside of cultural or religious pressures for young men to get married. The single life plays into men’s social and sexual tendencies as well, as males have always been satisfied as rogues in society, perfectly satisfied with mistresses and extra-marital affairs for centuries. In essence, I don’t think that Tom Leykis is an influence on modern male sociology as much as he is an open reflection of it.

That makes perfect sense, unfortunately. The world of today just doesn’t lend itself to a plausible reason for marriage…though I would argue that isn’t just in the case of men but women as well.

But I still have to drive home the point that we can’t lump everyone, even when the exceptions to the “rule” are few and far between. I’m sure there are times I wasn’t the most wonderful in my relationships — quite sure. But one thing I never expected out of them was to be tolerated as I sit on my rear, waiting to be doted over and not lifting a finger to help out in any way. That’s just not how I was brought up and I pride myself on my Independence and ability to look after myself. That said, I AM a woman –  but really, I don’t always roar. It has been said that Tom is the original feminist but even I (a real woman last I checked) have my moments of femininity because honestly I do have estrogen after all. Nothing I can do about that. And he makes it quite clear that the overbearing, non-feminine type of woman is to be avoided but the very thing that makes us so feminine can really at times be the very thing Tom shuns. I shutter to think at that conundrum.

I’m just fine in my skin — with or without a guy on my arm. And I think there are many women who feel the same. I just can’t seem to understand why the die-hard listeners can’t just see that Tom is what several people have noted in my February post — an entertainer. But the younger generation that listens to him is where I have often scratched my head. On one hand, I love what Tom tells them because it pretty much means that they will never want to even think about getting married too young or knocking up some less-than-ready-to-be-a-mom teen or being just plain careless. But on the other, those impressionable men are going to grow up hating women, just use them to get laid and then running like hell (or force an abortion) when/if the woman gets pregnant. And while I agree with the madness, I don’t like the method.

Once upon a time, I did the Leykis 101 bit before I even listened or knew who the hell he was. I didn’t go ANYWHERE without my favorite, well let’s just say protection. I got what I wanted, when I wanted it, every time I wanted it but at SOME point, don’t you have to grow up and figure out another way to exist without seeing people as a depository for sexual release and non-emotional attachments? And that doesn’t necessarily mean getting married or starting a family or even being serious with someone all of the time just to feel validated. It just means respecting yourself, and yes, I will say it…respecting others. What a f-ing concept.

Do women need men for safety?

That may seem like a very pre-feminist movement question. A resounding “What a ludicrous question!” can be heard at this very moment from the tops of every fem-movement mountain top as I type this.

But given the acceptance of not really seeing anyone and also being a new homeowner, I have started to ponder this conundrum. Did I feel safer knowing I was living around men in apartments than I do living next door to other single women? Unfortunately, yes. And I’m a bit ashamed to admit it. Granted, the people I’m surround by are very alert. Plus I’m not sure it’s more of a thing that with apartments you are surrounded by others than it really being about living next to men. One thing I can safely admit is that even with an alarm system, a neighbor with a dog, my own alert behavior when coming home later at night, I still wonder if I would feel more at ease with a man around.

So what do you do when you don’t have one around? You man up. You stay cautious in addition to help your neighbors out and they will in turn help you. But I still am scratching my head on how safe that makes me feel. Many feminists (if they aren’t anti-gun activists) “man up” with a gun, a notion I have thought about often but never found myself in the way of a real gun owner. And isn’t that terrible? I say “man up” and associate that with a deadly weapon. The two are not connected necessarily but see how I made that connection? We at times marry masculinity with violence and quite possibly that is another reason I’m reverting to June Cleaver a little bit with this topic. And it is obviously ironic in that I’m asking the question of the correlation of safety and having a guy around but making note that violence can also be attributed to the male species. What a quandary. I’m a victim of old ideals meshing with new thought and a change in lifestyle.

But I sincerely would like your opinon.

My gut gets more action than I do…

Probed. Groped. Felt up. Gawked at. Those actions have been a constant for my stomach and may I say that so much more attention is being paid to that fleshy part of my body than anywhere else. No, this isn’t the result of some crazy fetish, but is a true account of someone who is battling tummy trouble. It has been the key reason (along with my new home ownership) why I haven’t been over here much these past several weeks. I have been enduring constant pain and have gone completely organic as a result. And can I tell you, I never thought I would be so granola in my entire life? Even in cleaning products…

I also partially, if not nearly completely, blame my illness as the reason why I ran off the last guy I was seeing. (No major loss, mind you). He was a real peach for a few weeks after I hit the height of my problems. But when they never went away, I think that it was too much. Which leads me to ruling out feature No. 1 in relationships: If sickness becomes more than health, and your spouse can’t cope, run, lightly jog, or wheel your wheelchair far, far away. I should have known better that a “budding” relationship could not handle it when the other party was too self-absorbed to come along for the bumpy ride.

One thing I have learned from this whole ordeal is the true importance of family. Not long ago I absolutely was ready to pack my bags and risk everything to be in another town, doing something else. But because I have been recently down for the count, my parents have been there, by my side at every step of the way. I can’t imagine being away from them. So now I’ve decided to stay here — commited to Dallas, Texas for the moment but clearly immune (or vacinated) from really wanting a commitment to another person. Oh, have I not mentioned that yet? I feel like I may have backed into a needle pumped full of anti-boy. I just can’t get myself into the thought of wanting to pick up the dating bridle again, geared up and ready for that saddle — which is perfectly fine with me.

But is that normal? To be OK with not ever really wanting to be in a relationship with another person again? Or is it just a phase? Good thing I like the one I have with myself, again, perfectly fine with me. Self-absorption is great when it’s not in tandem!

Like marriage but without the hassle…

I’ve committed myself completely to being a recent homeowner. And like many people who thrive on relationships with another person, I got what I was looking for, am trying to find ways to change it and am sinking hard-earned dough into it. In my eyes, that’s about the same as getting hitched only my home is mine and mine alone whereas a significant other means sharing. Call it selfish but that’s paradise in my book because the commitment I face is to my advantage and when things go wrong, I will fix them without the house groaning at me while trying to improve it. The house has no say on how I dress it up, make it bend to my tastes and desires. The house will surround me as oppose to smother. It will help me build memories to last a lifetime without having to deal with it’s inlaws.

Ok, I realize a house can’t really replace a man but I what I’m saying is that it doesn’t matter and it’s time that 30-year-old single women out there realize that even if you aren’t Carrie Bradshaw,  your days spent being unattached doesn’t have to be painstaking and a downer every time you pass a hand-holding couple or if you go to yet ANOTHER wedding. Our accomplishments have just as much tread and milestone-worthy panache as the average invitation-worthy announcement.

What I seem to keep learning, and even more so as 30 will soon be 31, is the real successes in life are the ones that don’t involve trying to make yourself whole by grasping at what you THINK you need by a certain time-frame. I include tick-tock biological clocks and marriage-frenzied singles in this category. You have to embrace your own accomplishments and hell yes, sometimes that is plenty to keep you warm at night. The real question is if you don’t grab what you think is your “ideal” life which hinges on another person to make your happiness, isn’t it time to find your own?

Making lemonade…

Yadda, yadda. That whole lemonade bit is a pretty generic saying, but I think that’s what I’ve been trying to do over the last month — take all my lemons and make some kick ass lemonade. Maybe spiked with a little bit of Tuaca (only in my mind anyway since I’m officially not drinking anymore). I have not been over to this blog in more than a week because making this lemonade takes time. It takes a lot of sugar and patience. It takes some creativity. It takes acceptance if the concoction ends up a bit bitter and then you have to pour it out and try again.

I’ve made some adult strides in this refreshing, beverage-themed cliche. I got over my commitment issues with 401K (don’t ask and yes I’m silly to only NOW start one up at a company I’ve worked for nearly three years but that’s another story). And as of tomorrow I should be closing on a new home. Well not new. New to me anyway. I know several posts back reflected my giving it all up but somehow the fates have let me try again. Hopefully this time I will get the keys…more on that later, but if you are curious about what happened last time, read this from my other blog.

Getting over a really odd breakup has made me very grateful for a few things — namely gaining my single status though only fleeting for three whole months that I spent with that guy. I feel freer and I don’t have to look over my shoulder, wondering if I’m validating someone enough more than myself. No more of that. Nope, this lemonade is not to be shared. I’m making it myself, with a little love from family, but the fruits of my labor is all mine. And if there is anything I can tell you about considering a relationship with someone other than yourself is to be sure that you are ready to be thrown off your path. It almost happened to me and if I had continued that trek, my lemons would have been to spoiled for consumption.

 

A relationship lesson: Avoid the Idealizer

It never occurred to me but I seem to have been in a real pattern of dating the same kind of guy. It surprisingly wasn’t that apparent until I recently received a comment from a fellow single blogger named Elsie. She was discussing the type of guy she has come across time and time again: The Idealizer.

It is a word that surely should have a place in the dictionary with photographs of my last three “serious” relationships. Their common thread is always the same: surround you in gifts, have dreamy ideals of what the relationship is or should be or WILL be before you have even hit six months into it and when the expectations aren’t perfect, they bolt.

Here is a snippet of Elsie’s observations of such a gem:

“I’m just making inferences here, but this guy sounds like what I call an idealizer, that seeming Prince Charming who showers you with attention until you’re hooked (usually lasts no longer than three months), then rapidly loses interest when reality sets in…I will say this, though: I’ve come to believe that men like that don’t want a real relationship. They want the excitement of romance and all that comes with it. It’s not that they’re ‘just not that into you.” They’re ‘just not that into’ anybody!”

I kind of started looking back at my laundry list of men. And she was quite right. All of them started and ended about the same — way too fast. It kind of gets to be a sticky situation…like quicksand or something.

I am not known to be a very patient kind of gal, I will admit, but I can say most of my past guys have rushed things when there really wasn’t a reason to hit the finish line at record pace. I remember trying to put the brakes on and the insisting began, I gave way and then tried my best not to look back when the relationship faltered as a result.

It is truly a lesson learned and by the third round, I should know better the next time. I’ll know what to look out for — at least I hope. And if you are a single girl like me, I want to give you a list of what to be aware of before you get too serious with one of these idealizer chaps.

1. Don’t give in to presents too quickly in the relationship. Believe me, it’s nice and all, but shoes can’t comfort you in times of need. Wait. That’s not right. Some shoes kind of can…

2. Don’t do the “get away” too quickly. I have learned a lot from my Vegas saga and realized that places like Vegas will still be around, with our without a guy to take me!

3. Early talk of how great you are is wonderful. But if you have only been dating two weeks and he talks to you like you have roped the moon, RED ALERT.

4. In that same turn, if he needs constant validation, realize that is not your job. There is a time and place for everything, but if you have to constantly validate there is doom ahead. And really, isn’t validation at every turn to be left at your job and not your relationship? That kind of pressure should not be a part of a couple!

5. Steer clear for the super-ambitious guy. Life is short. It’s wonderful to have a guy with drive, but if he’s trying to tackle 10 things at once in the name of fame/glory/power/reputation, you can’t possibly fit in that equation.

I’m no expert. But more than 10 years (ah geez) of this, I should have learned something by now, right?!

Putting it all out there…

I work in a field where the more you relate to your audience, the more successful you are. I have always been an open person. And I’m quite sure I’m a bit too open in fact. I turned this “asset” of mine into a gimmick at work with something called “The Eligible Editor.” Just Google it. There isn’t a lot there (I was only doing it a few months) but you will see a few videos of my adventures and misadventures finding a mate. The final video so far features the guy I was seeing. That is what I’m getting at. Now that I have put so much of myself out there involving my job, it kind of feels weird going on with it. I mean I spent a week writing about my four days in Vegas with my ex. And right after that, I was writing about how we are no longer together. It’s different over at this blog for some reason. And I can be a lot less censored.

Anyway now that I’m single again, I may pick the Eligible series back up. But at the same time I’m a little gun shy. This time if I find someone, I still need to keep up a good front for the sake of show. However I had always felt that the point of the series was to eventually end it with dating someone seriously. Now I kind of feel like that isn’t as fun or as interesting. Don’t people love the self-deprecation of reality television? If so, I should never get the guy in the end unless I’m in the third season of The Bachelorette or something and even then those things don’t work out.

You know how when you start watching a bad movie that grows on you and you just have to see how it all ends? Well that is how I feel about being extremely open on the Web. And for some reason I know I will keep doing this until the directer in my head yells cut.

 

It’s all in the sheets…

There is something to be said about how we perform in bed. But there is also something to be said about the linens we perform in. I have been really reevaluating my linens. I look at what I have and know that most of them came in a bag — you know, Bed in a Bag. They are disguised as comfortable but have since lost their appeal. They bead and are faded. And aside from some super earthy, hippie-type bed covers from Urban Outfitters, most of the comforters and sheets I have are el-cheapo to the extreme. It made me wonder: Does this reflect who I chose to bed and date?

I don’t mean cheap in the monetary or even sleazy sense although I could call sleaze on a number of “winners” I’ve had the displeasure “getting to know” in that less than saintly sense. What I mean is being shorted. The reluctant acceptance of settling. Ignoring how worn out they are and in need of repair. That kind of thing. Not only that, they are kind of filled with all that old karma that I just want to burn them and start over. That would be a great idea if I had enough pocket change to replace all of them. I like options…hum, does that say something about me as well??

They all hold stories and stories of “love,” gosh-awful mistakes and just plain “what the hell were you thinking?!” At times, when I cover my head at night with them, it’s like there are a million people in my bed. Don’t get me started on the mattress. The linens, though…those things see everything while the mattress wonders what is going on but has a real good idea.

I’m big on the karma jazz. I wish that I wasn’t because replacing those damn sheets will be expensive. I am taking up an “I Want to Burn My Sheets” fund. Any takers?

How to get over someone in a hurry…

I’m not playing the jilted gal role to the fullest *insert sarcasm.* I figured some guidance was in order to further my process. And we all know that we must learn from those who have gone to battle for you in order to gain more knowledge and a thicker skin. And of course be more prepared for the pitfalls life has in store.  So here you go, folks. My how-tos on getting over someone – fast.

1. Blog. Blog. And then when you are done blogging, blog more. Sometimes some really great people have nice things to say about what you have written. And you get the occasional funny advice from the peanut gallery. Here’s my favorite. Hint: Read the first comment.
2. Become a regular over in the meetup scene. I was a naysayer at first, but so far the events have been a load of fun, I get to meet new people who make me laugh and I found myself smiling more. Plus your social calendar is ALWAYS full.
3. Be a class act about the rejection. That doesn’t mean that you can’t dish how you REALLY feel over at your personal blog, but just be sure any emails or texts are seething with very matter-of-fact realization that you know it’s over and you will live another day. (Addendum: However, don’t be surprised if the counter reaction from your ex is twice as impersonal than the one you sent.)



4. Make sure you put everything in a box and let them know they will be receiving all their stuff in the mail. Don’t wait longer than a week to do it. Follow through is important here. It’s a cleansing folks. But make sure to sell ANYTHING you really can’t use or doesn’t fit that they bought you. However, keep photos…memories tucked away in a box in the garage can be endearing or at least worth pulling out to laugh later which brings me to No. 5.
5. Make sure you are a real cheeky git and put a photo in the box you are mailing off of the two of you together with a note like, “thought you might still want this” or “this is how I always remeber us.” You may not really mean it (and they may think you have lost it), but if you know your mate is a real masturbater, it will just make you feel good knowing that your face will still be there until someone else wants to bother coming along, and putting up with their crap. Or at the very least, you laugh to yourself that he/she will worry that you may stalk them.
6. Be confident at work about the breakup. Attention cubicle dwellers: It is nearly impossible to cover up a breakup in your office environment. Just suck it up and make sure you let your coworkers know that she/he smelled like pee or something silly so everyone laughs it off and goes back to typing.
7. Get on myspace for grins. Myspace is killer for grins especially if you have some funny people on your list who have something fun to say. OK. Just swallow that pride. Myspace has it’s benefits.
8. TAKE LOTS OF PHOTOS OF YOURSELF. Especially if you are feeling extra cute that day. Every moment you embrace your greatness, is yet another moment you forget that not-so great moment when you decided to let your guard down.
9. Spend more time with your pet and your garden. Yea. This sounds cheesy but nine times out of ten both got kind of neglected if you were busy wasting your time with the wrong guy/girl. They will thank you for it — especially your bitchy cat who didn’t like him/her in the first place.
10. Clean up your place: This means linens, throw pillows — anything that has your ex’s leftover scent. Wouldn’t hurt to spray a little disinfectant on everything as well. Throw everything you can in the wash.

And there you have it. If you have done these ten things, within about two weeks of the break, you will probably forget your ex’s name. Or at the very least, better your life.

I’ve been here before…

Just came home from a night out. I started at Razoos with a cool meetup group I’m still a member of followed by all of us gathering to watch the Sex and the City movie (for some reason, that movie really made me want to take photos in my semi-cocktail dress) and ended the night with drinks at Sherlock’s. Now I know I’m not supposed to be drinking but my colonoscopy isn’t until Monday so I’ve got Sunday to cleanse and nearly die. But tonight was about not caring. I find it too difficult to stay home. Especially when I know that I could be missing out on something. But this is a familiar scene.

I thought relationships were supposed to keep me away from the singles snafu. All it seems to be doing lately is drawing me back to it. And even then, I’m kind of foreign to the protocol just by sheer age. Yea, yea…30 isn’t old. However, it’s old enough to know better.

On a side note: Do see Sex. It’s a great flick although I was kind of disappointed with the ending. If you are die-hard fans, you will know why I was. If you aren’t, you will just say, “eh, it was supposed to end like that.”

OK. Wait. So does that mean I’m single?

It’s been almost three months with the guy I’m seeing and he pretty much has all the qualities I look for in a guy. Sense of humor and all that yadda, yadda. But one of the qualities I really dig in a guy this dude has in buckets and buckets full which leaves me scratching my head as to what the hell the relationship is in reality. What is that ocean-full quality that has inspired this post? Well it’s ambition, folks. Good old fashion over-achievement, high ideals and self-serving success. I enjoy a bit of ambition and I think I have quite a bit of it. Of course that is if I can get my head out of my ass long enough to really get where I need to be by now. I’m doing OK but I could do much, much better — so I get it. I get the whole ambition racket and all the trappings it can have. However, this characteristic can easily be a four-letter word (technically eight) just as it can be admired in a person. In this case with my boyfriend (?) I’m smack in the middle. I should be happy to know that I’m not dating a couch potato but we have a committed relationship in which I’m pretty much in fifth place on his priority list. I would say the whole “he’s just not that into you” but I think it’s more like “he’s that into you, but into other things first.”

I’m not going to get into all of his aspirations because that isn’t really the point. What is the point is while he is trying to acquire all of his dreams, and apparently I may  be one of them, I don’t really spend what I consider quality time with him. This is quite funny now that I think of it because before it was all about how I felt a bit smothered in the first three weeks of the courtship. It’s still early yet, but I’ve met the family and had the whole vacation test with him.

So why does it feel like I don’t have a boyfriend? I mean I could literally put myself back out there as a single woman, and I am afraid to say that I would actually feel that I was one. What makes it even more complicated is that coming to the conclusion of being more positive about being unattached means that while distance makes the heart grow fonder, it also makes the heart go a bit stagnant and start having wanderlust. He has told me I’m important to him. But so are documents that have to be signed to complete a transaction.

Am I a bad person or is this a situation you have been in yourself? Please share.

I’m not single…now what?

I started this blog. Single as hell. Now I’m not. But I’m not so convinced that I will be married this time next year so I don’t want to kill this blog yet. Until then, I have a Let’s Talk lined up that I’m working on.  I interviewed a very pleasant young lady who squashes the stereotype of being a divorced woman. Look for it soon.

But what should this blog be in transition. I don’t think I have any authority to give advice. As you can read in the post before this one, I’m relationship stupid. But I can definitely give advice on changing your situation. I was surely a naysayer about ever getting back into relationship land. When I finally did, I pretty much mess up at every turn. Not sure I can tell you what to do once you are there, but I can surely help you into getting there in the first place. Should that be the direction of this blog along with interviews of single folks? You tell me. That is, if anyone is still reading. If not, my other blog a writer doding bullets seems much more popular.

Ah, self-deprecation.

Relationship stupid…

I’m back and kind of to my old self again. If you want to get the skinny on what happened to me over the last few weeks, read it here. Anyway, now that I’m back, I realize that when I started this blog I really had the right idea. Single truly is the new relationship and for the beginning of 2008, I began to have a new relationship with myself and tracked my journey here.  I learned to love myself more. Figure myself out more. And I know that may sound quite sappy to some of you but it isn’t as easy as it seems. It’s not like I’m so completely together right now to not look in the mirror sometimes and say, “Ugh” at myself when I think about all my mistakes so far.

But what I did do was stop obsessing negatively about being single.  I had my bouts of instanity while going through my single reevaluation process, and I am sure some of you have read them here. But overall I believe my mission was accoplished. And maybe a bit too well. Because you see, now I am in a relationship. Who knows for how long but it’s the first in five years. Five. Long. Years. And now that I am in a relationship, I don’t know crap about what I’m doing. I’ve so far pissed this man off so many times I’m surprised we are hitting the three-month mark soon.  I will say he’s not without his own flaws that piss me off but that isn’t the nugget of this point. Here is the list of things I’ve done and some of them you surely shouldn’t do.

• Request the “single” status be removed from his myspace. OK. I know this is juvenile but just let me discuss it in a future post.
• Not being intimate enough when it comes to certain things. I tend to have a guy approach to stuff. I’m not big on fourplay and so what comes off as somewhat pedestrian or not sensitive is really my wanting to cut to the movie and just skip the previews.
• I don’t pat on the back enough. I am a supportive women when it comes to my man but I guess I’m not so good at the validating bit. But should I be? That’s a silly question because I think at times I also need validation. Don’t we all? See. It’s a vicious circle.
• I like to “argue.” To me the best thing in the world for a relationship is making sure the significant other knows when I am not happy with something, or he should tell me when he is not happy with something and in my book that should be an immediate action. that way it doesn’t happen again, an understanding is reached and you don’t sit on your feelings – just ready to explode later. Some call this arguing. I call it discussing.

I’m sure there’s more but you get the point. So much focusing on me has made me miss the bigger picture of what happens when it’s no longer just me. However, if and when I am no longer attached, I will bounce back better knowing that I was more sure of myself now than I ever was before. And that, my friends, is why I don’t regret a thing about my process. And single will always be the one relationship you have to count on because, really, when it comes down to it, if you are alone you don’t have a choice but to count on yourself.

 

Back from Vegas: Less single, more sick

I was truly due a vacation. And I got it. But what I neglected to do was figure out what was wrong with me prior to having it. You see, I’ve been sick. I haven’t really discussed it here. But I have had frequent issues and the docs have been little to no help. I guess Vegas brought it all to a head. And I think I left my intestines in the airplane bathroom. Speaking of which, American Airlines is horrible and if I don’t die, I will tell you the whole story — and possibly take them to task as it seems my boyfriend has filed a complaint of their negligence. And of course I still have to share pics.

However, as it stands, I’ve been to the hospital and they assumed it was food poisoning. My doc feels differently given my priors. So at this point, I’m barely focusing on keeping my head up, let alone writing. Forgive my absence, keep me in your prayers, and hopefully I will be back shortly.

Love you all,

Jenice.

How soon is too soon for the first date trip?

As you can see, I’ve become that annoying person who is entirely too busy with work, life and now a boyfriend. I’ve always hated people like that. Those who just couldn’t find the time to hang just because they are dating. But I’ve got a really good reason — it’s been five years. Five long years without a viable relationship and I don’t have any qualms telling you all that it’s been that long. So when something of an improvement comes along that is leaps and bounds better than the half-asses that usually come knocking, it’s kind of hard not to get distracted. I will say though: It’s not like my social calendar has been completely disrupted. I don’t seem to get constant texts or phone calls from people vying for my attention other than work so I guess what I’m really neglecting is this here blog. Sorry about that (all five of you reading…)

So here’s the latest. Next week I may possibly be heading up to Vegas with the new guy. I say possibly because I tend to have the weirdest luck and I wouldn’t be surprised if something truly ridiculous happened to hinder my going. Like maybe a freak accident or I get kidnapped or something. And given that Vegas has been the place that in the last few months EVERYONE around me seems to have gone, it just seems unfathomable that I am actually going.

Anyway, we have been dating for about a month. And let me tell you; it doesn’t feel that short and that’s not a bad thing. So I just feel comfortable enough to take this little trip. And let’s face it. How often does one get to go to Vegas? Scratch that question if you are a frequent traveler. But those of you who don’t get to satisfy that wanderlust, as is my situation, the idea is mouth-watering. And it doesn’t hurt that I will be traveling with someone I care about. Here’s my question, though: Given all the “rules” that maybe we shouldn’t invest too much in anyway, is a month kind of soon for a date trip?  You should know that the tickets are already bought so even if you happen to throw up your red stop signs and flags, I’m still going unless we experience a plague of locusts or pigs suddenly sprout wings and escape their slaughterhouse doom. However I do always value your opinions! And I’m pretty happy that being single that long, and finally examining myself, helped me to be confident enough to give this all a chance. 

So, do I ditch eHarmony?

I have a new dilemma. And I gotta tell you, I didn’t really think this would ever be an issue. As you may have read here before, I joined an eHarmony some time ago. It’s one online dating site that is based on way too many requirements. And because of that, I just can’t say I was successful at it.

However I made a few connections with some really nice guys, all of which were outside of Texas. After a while those can kind of connections fizzle out but then you just keep wondering if you will meet someone after you go through the initial two months of torture to get a good result that final month of your subscription. But the situation now is that I’m being hit up every week (and they are of course out of state) but I am not sure how to respond because now I am actually seeing someone within a 50-mile radius!

Continue reading…

And just like that, it’s over…

Well I found the perfect town-home for me and WAS in the middle of an offer. However, as of 3 p.m. yesterday my realtor told me that at the moment Dallas dropped all EHOP funding for homes that are not on their list of properties in their program. I am notorious for serial bad luck. This took the cake. Right in the middle of my process, I no longer have that $10,000 I was expecting from the city of Dallas. This whole process has been excruciating at best. And then I get this let down. Looks like I will be shopping for another apartment…

People like me don’t have all the money in the world but really want the investment of home-owning. I kind of feel like my “dream” was crushed although I know home-owning isn’t a bed of roses.

 But for all the bad that happens, I guess there is sometimes good. Be sure to check out the latest video from my Eligible Editor series. Looks like I’m kind of dating now. So I guess if I have to continue my trend of renting, maybe I can at least share my loveseat with someone…

Single and seeking…a home that is

So I’ve made my apologies over at my other blog too, but I’ve been a bit distracted lately. I’ve set my mind on being a homeowner. I will have a video and interesting updates here soon. Believe me, a lot has changed in my *cough* love life lately. Maybe that’s the other distraction…

Anyway, it didn’t happen overnight, but I think I’m finally ready to be a grown up. After renting for almost 10 years now, I’m taking this risk of buying a home. After speaking to my loan officer, I near about fell out of my chair when she showed me, in real hardcore numbers, how much money I’ve been wasting on apartments. No equity. No investment. And I’ve had more apartments than real committed relationships.

Though I’m ready to take this plunge, I’m treading very lightly. I know what it means to be single and taking such a step.

Although I consider myself a gal who can handle a few things on my own (pretty much anyway), I’m not sure everyday handy work is one of them. Plus the fact that living alone in a real single-family house isn’t exactly safe. Well, neither is living most places I guess but I’ve resolved that a condo or townhome might be the right first start. And I’ve convinced myself that I will feel kind of creeped out in a REAL house all by my lonesome. Every bump in the night, I can just see myself jump and look at Tiger Lily and ask frantically, ”What was that?”

Condos and townhomes still have a sense of the connectedness of apartments, only not on such a congested scale. And I don’t have to do yard work or deal with a roof. Though I don’t mind gardening and such, I have been assured by a few friends that mowing the lawn gets old after awhile.

So unless I get hitched by the time my lease is up by October, it’s me and Miss Tiger Lily — all set to for condo living. Joy.

Show her that you know her…

That is the new catch phrase for a very familiar teddy bear. I was the recipient of such a bear once, clad in nothing else but white boxers with red hearts on them. It’s supposedly a big deal to get one of these on Valentine’s Day. I guess at the time I was pretty happy to get it.Since then, last year in fact, I looked at the thing and realized it was time to get rid of it. It was cute and all but I didn’t really see the need to hang onto it when I know a lot of little girls who may not even have stuffed animals would love it. So I gave it away.

Now when I see the commercials, I snicker a little. These bad boys cost a minimum of $50. Imagine all the $50 teddy bears intended for significant others that end up at Goodwill.

Be my Anti-Valentine…

It’s not that I don’t love the idea of romance. I enjoy a good romantic comedy chick flick on occasion. Notice I said on occasion. However, I just can’t get into the hype of Valentine’s Day.

OK. Before you go “oh well she’s bitter” on this single lady, listen up: We all know this holiday was created to push money in the direction of gifting corporations. As with Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, I just felt pressured all these years to feel like Valentine’s Day was really valid and important — even when I was coupled up. I remember some really interesting V-Day events as a young lassie. Some of which included a bad box of chocolates and botched dinner plans.

Read the rest…

It’s long distance: Where is it going?

I’ve had a bit of luck on eHarmony, surprisingly enough. The catch? I’m chatting up a few folks that are nowhere near where I live. My question is, where does such a thing start heading? I’ve never really been in this situation. Does this mean if we fall in love and then figure out who moves where, only to have it not last long enough to even finish out an apartment lease? I guess it’s good just to have someone to talk to, right? But what if more develops.

My best friend is currently seriously involved with a guy in the U.K. And it turns out he may even live here in the states after he visits her in April. I’m happy for her but I’m worried too — where is such a leap headed? In her case she is on a more committed route whereas I’m just chit-chatting with a few nice chaps. She has a son involved. I’ve got an ornery cat.

The weirdness of eHarmony is you either draw out a big net or a tiny one. If you do the latter, you aren’t going to dig up many fish. But if you send out a massive net, meaning you selected on your profile that distance doesn’t matter, you have more opportunity to score, so to speak. The main goal being a real relationship, I would assume, however achieving that is already difficult. If you compound that with distance then you have even more a dilemma.

I know I’m using a lot of fishing/water references lately but here’s another one: I’m just going to hang out on the dock and see what happens. Wait. That didn’t come out right…

Get out the dinghy

I recently received an email from a very old friend. We were quite the pair in middle school and high school. Now she’s married, a teacher and has two beautiful girls. One of which was the topic of her email. Her youngest is in a cutest baby contest hosted by a photographer in the area and she wanted everyone to vote. The picture is adorable — her little girl is dressed in pink feathers and wearing a sweet smile. This friend of mine is one of many who have “taken the plunge” while I’m pretty much coasting, drifting and kind of drowning!

I don’t really have that itch. You know the one. That baby itch everyone tells me I’m going to get or should already be getting now that I’m 30. I love kids but I’m not just dying to have one, which is a good thing since I’m thinking I’ve got to kind of land a real relationship first! In fact, I’m OK with not having one. But when I get these emails, you know the ones — a slideshow of what so and so’s kids did adorably on camera, the trip the family took to the nearest amusement park— that’s when I let out a dreamy sigh. I’m happy for them all but I wonder what they must think of me. Do they think my life not as fulfilled since I’ve made the decision not to have a family? Do they silently “tisk, tisk” me as I go yet another year unwed? Bottom line: I don’t really care but will admit I wonder what they think.

Grocery shopping for more than food

I have heard time and time again that you just never know who you might run into at the grocery store. You can meet people in the darnedest of places, I’ve been told. Stop looking and you just might find. Yadda, yadda…

Well if that’s the case, what do you do when you ARE at the grocery store and someone strikes your fancy? Isn’t it inappropriate, if not considered desperate, to pick someone up at the store? And more to the point, what if it’s someone working there?! Ok. I’ll admit. I have a health food store crush.

I was looking for a particular bottle of wine. I see this very nice looking young man and decide to ask him. Though he said he wasn’t a fan of chardonnay, and didn’t know what I was looking for, he still helped me out by finding someone he thought would be more abreast of such things. And then off he went…

I wanted to say something. But alas, I didn’t. And the person who came to my rescue didn’t even know what wine I was talking about (didn’t help that I didn’t know the name of it, just what the bottle looked like!) and I eventually found it myself. I wandered off to the cheese aisle and on my way, there HE was again.

“Did you find it.” Mr. Gorgeous asked.

“Yes. I did. Thank you.” I chimed.

“Let me see.” He said.

I showed him. He laughed and off he went again. Ah. Opportunity. Why do I fear you?

My trust meter is broken

After all my efforts with actually trying to land a mate, wouldn’t it just be such a shame for me to lose an opportunity because I’m afraid to trust the motives of someone interested? That’s where I am today.

I have no idea how to fall into something with possibilities and just, well, BE. I seem to find myself wondering, second-guessing, and anticipating the shoe to drop. Depending on your beliefs, we technically only have one physical life. I don’t want to live it never trusting again.
It really isn’t the bitterness of past failed serious relationships that is my problem anymore. There was most assuredly a time when I didn’t necessarily hate men, but more to the point — I tried very hard to keep a thinly veiled guard up. I was always waiting for when they would hurt me. For five years I just stopped believing.

Now the issue here is trusting if whether or not advances, interests and a man’s attention are genuine. I believe it’s an enormous waste of effort, time and yes, even money, if in the end I sabotage things before they have begun! I don’t fear commitment for what it implies. I just fear the possibility of a let-down. More to the point — a devastation. Jumping in with both feet and eyes semi-closed is new to me. I think the girl, that girl in her early 20s, was quite good at that. Too good. And now that she has reached nearly 30, putting her big toe in the water is how she would rather start.

But that isn’t entirely true. Online dating to me is a risk. Joining groups of people you have never met is a risk. Even striking up a conversation with a stranger is a risk. Those are all things I’ve done in the past month. Maybe not a big deal. But to me it’s bigger than what I had been doing for the past year I just obessessed about work and getting me together. To me that’s a full plunge.

However why is it that I’ve dived in full on, but can’t mentally get past dipping my big toe in the uncharted waters of an actual possibility?

Is it asking too much to be able to spell?

My latest match. Would you like to know what he is most thankful for?

Patience

Well that’s nice.

For having lovely family

Well isn’t that sweet? But I think he may have meant loving.

Helath

Yes ladies and gents. Helath. Which I can only guess means health.

Guess where he likes to spend his leisure time? The library and the book store. Did you just spit out your favorite beverage after reading that? Well I did. I’ve got water all over my keyboard. Pass down the paper towels.

Oh and I forgot. He also likes…

workout,watching movies.palying raquet ball, play golf,watching any sport

I cut and pasted that as it is written. And yes. He said palying raquet ball. This must be some new kind of sport. Haven’t you heard?

Man. Am I asking for too much here? At least hit the spell check.

Match found…

Seeing those words in the subject line of my email used to give me a little bit of excitement. I would quickly head on over to see who this mystery guy might be. Now I yawn and say, “These four months can’t end quick enough” and check my account every other day instead of instantly. In the long line of new things I’m trying this year to get back into the dating world, online dating sites are unfortunately on my list. Right now they are kind of on another list that rhymes with quit.

If you check the comments of people on this blog, you will see a few of them credit eHarmony for finding their “special someone.” One of which claims to not be a plant for the popular online dating site.

There are other things that go along with your subscription — the repeat emails. They all seem to say the same thing: Stick this out and we promise you a husband. The buggers lure you with their uplifting speech. They make it all sound like you aren’t making a monetary mistake going with them instead of the other guys. Stuff like this:

Dear Jenice,

Your eHarmony experience is important to us. It’s also important that you understand how eHarmony works and why our process has helped so many people.

If you don’t have a match at this point in your eHarmony membership, this is because we haven’t yet found someone who is a terrific fit for you. But take heart: our system is always automatically searching for matches for you, and over 10,000 people are joining eHarmony each day.

I’m so glad they told me that. Now all of a sudden I have “hope.”

Women can not live without drama…

So there I was. Prime ready for my first event with this singles women’s group. It’s tonight and I’m still going, but yesterday was an odd flurry of emails from this one particluar woman who didn’t seem to have read not only the description of the co-ed pajama party but it also seems she didn’t read the description of the group itself.

She was upset because the pajama party was going to have boys over (it’s not really a sleepover by the way) and said that it never was stated anywhere in the emails or the event info. Not true. She just didn’t put on her reading glasses.

She sent out the most bitchy email to everyone:

My “ah geez” moment…

I’m glad I didn’t swear on a stack of Bibles. Wait. I’m agnostic anyway…

What I’m getting at is that I thought I would NEVER pay to play. But I promised myself that this year, after a few months of self-reflection, it’s time to get back into the game. I was very naive to think that just going along in my daily life something would just happen. I did that for half a decade. Though I know that people meet by chance all the time, I’m just not finding myself in situations that it can logically happen. I mean half of my days are spent behind a desk surrounded by women and married men. The other half out in the community I cover and not taking time to really see what’s around me. A little of it spent at a bar or two. Nothing stellar there.

when you least expect it…

Bullshit. That’s not a bitter bullshit coming out of my typing fingers. That’s more like I’ve-fallen-for-this-line-for-five-years bullshit. I think you have to stir up the pot and see what shakes out. This time I’ve decided even though I hate every minute of it, I’m going through with this experiment: Three months each with dating sites, getting together in a few meet-ups and doing a little speed dating. I need a little more spice in my life even if it’s nasty old spice. Gives me something to jot down. And maybe I’ll get some good (safe) nookie in the process. We’ll see…

I’ve dated myself enough. Pampered myself enough. Finally know who I am. Isn’t it time to add another centered person in my life? Or at least someone to buy the popcorn at the movies.

Fending for yourself…

Yesterday a friend from work and I went to the lake by my apartment and walked. I took along my camera as I always do when I walk the lake. Usually alone. My friend had recently discovered the lake and fell in love with the area. She’s not really from here and I guess one day she just went driving, got out and walked…

Anyway this trek of ours wasn’t supposed to be that long. We both decided that before she came to my apartment. As we walked, we yapped about work of course. Where we wanted to be next year. And I snapped a lot of pics. Before we knew it I guess it may have been about 45 minutes and we looked around. I asked her if she wanted to turn back but by the look of her face and my frowned brow we both decided we were too curious and walked some more. However, we were headed nowhere near my apartment.

Now that’s adding insult to injury…

OK. So I’ve got like three lists going on my online dating profile. One is for all the so called matches, the other is for those I’m currently communicating with but the other one is a list of people either I’ve rejected or have rejected me!

The added “bonus” is that you get to send a “final message” which is to me an even bigger act of desperation than well…being there in the first place! Why would I want to keep a file of people that I don’t and they don’t want to talk to? And I’ve looked to see if you can delete this silly little list and you can’t. It just sits there. It mocks you. It sticks its tongue out at you and says, “Nanny nanny boo boo.”

Here are the “final message” options you can send…

• I have now posted my photo and when it is approved it should be available to you.
• I have completed all my Match Profile questions.
• Good luck with your search.
• I really felt that we had potential. I’d like you to reconsider.
• I think if we met, you might have different feelings about who I am.

Don’t they just scream, “Wait! Wait! I really am a worth while person!” It’s all so funny. I’m reminded of those little notes you passed in school that asked, “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” Only back then you did it for free. Maybe I wouldn’t even be here if my grandmother hadn’t gotten into the act. And it doesn’t hurt that my best friend may very well be the last of a long line of folks in my life on their way to the alter. I’m feelin’ the heat. I’m 30. Wasn’t I already supposed to have been divorced by now?

Happy New Year and may it not beat me over the head like the last

I’ve made 10 resolutions. Here are two of them.

5. Get over the things I can’t change. That’s a big one.

6. Make myself more available when it comes to sparking new relationships. It’s time I’ve found grown up events and places (i.e. not bars) to frequent to nab me a man…

No. 5 means two things. Either I try to change things. Or I just let it go. And by the looks of No. 6, I’ve decided to change things. So far my time on a “popular” dating Web site has churned up a guy who looks like a 1970s uglier throwback to Huggy Bear and a potentially unemployed “entrepreneur.” The outlook doesn’t look very shiny. But it should be an interesting year. And I’m kind of ready to try a different route. I think I’m ready.

When grandma says you need a husband…

It happened. It finally happened and I could just die. My own grandmother, bless her, teasingly asked me on Christmas, “Have you found a husband yet.” Though I laughed, I was also in shock! She usually doesn’t say such things. But she is nearly 100. She can say whatever she wants! She also said she was going to go to the wedding if I found a husband. To that I caught myself saying and quickly back-peddling, “I better hurry then!”

My Granny Rose is a trip. I can’t even get mad at her for it. I just laughed, vented to my mother, laughed some more and then quickly joined eharmony. Yes. I have succumbed. But the communication is free right now so I haven’t completely committed financially yet. I say yet but I’m not so sure that’s the site to use anyway. I’ve heard more people say Match.com but I’ve had poopy results with it as well. Maybe I just need to start putting my mindset on being open to relationships again. Officially.

I’m happy that I’ve gained confidence in being a single chick with a career. But come 2008, I’m not really sure if that’s me anymore. When is just you no longer enough?

Preoccupation

I’m quite good at it.

I recently had a reception celebrating my first solo photography exhibit. The show is up until Jan. 8. Here are some pics from last weekend…

What is this? Could that be my father actually smiling? Yes it is. That’s also a sigh of relief that the show was up and didn’t have any major problems. I don’t have many photos here but it says enough I suppose. People came and went and I look as if I’m about to spew my wine out of my mouth in that last shot! I think my friend was saying something funny.

Please feel free to get some of your holiday items from my site. All of the purchasable prints can also be postcards and we all know you can’t have enough of those? If you do purchase stuff, you will keep that smile on my father’s face…

Because the holidays are fast approaching, I may not be on here much (just an FYI for all of my 10 readers!) but will pop in from time to time to update you on any holiday awkward singleness…

Why are we so hung up about race?

 I posted the following on my other blog. But I wanted to share it with the readers here and see your thoughts. This is such an old topic–interracial dating. But it seems that the concerns are still very present in our society. My question to you is “Why?”

I gotta tell you; I’ve not had any slowing down of my old post about interracial dating. It still gets a fair amount of hits. This isn’t a call for all of you jokesters to start finding more weird search engine terms to get to this blog and then for me to write about them. But for some reason I get on a daily basis at least a dozen search engine terms looking for a variety of topics surrounding black women and white men dating. And lately Jewish men dating black women. WTF? Is this really THAT taboo still? I’ve dated the rainbow, as I’ve told you before, and I just never really saw dating a white man a big deal. Does the rest of society?

I will be honest though. I’m thinking the resurgence of this topic is because of the opposite happening: black men and white women. I’m not going to do some census search on this but I’m just thinking about my every day life in Texas. I see an increasing number of black men and white women coupled up. I don’t have a problem with this but I can only imagine that the two left are looking at each other, shrugging and saying, “Well, why don’t we?”

That said though, there is still so much hesitation. Believe me. White men dating black women isn’t very common here. Not sure about your area of the world. I really dig shows like “Private Practice” that treat interracial connections as something that isn’t a matter of discussion. The main discussion on that show is that the lead black female character has to choose between two men — a black one she was married to and a white one who loves her so much that is the only reason he works in the office. Race isn’t an issue. I can’t stand shows that make that the MAIN issue. The tired old story of “what will my parents think?” Aren’t we over this yet? I just don’t get it.

So for those of you searching to see if this is some “strange” concept, stop. Just go with it. Ask that black chick out. Ask that white dude out. Enjoy Hanukkah with that chocolate hottie…

WTF are you waiting for?

Never said I was happy about it…

There may be a misconception here at this blog. I don’t think that I’ve ever said I’m happy about being single. I’m not miserable either nor do I feel a need for someone in my life. A want? Of course and I’ve never said differently. I think if I’m going to have such an open blog about this topic, I need to make sure I get it all out there…

Some of you reading this may say it isn’t really a big deal, unaware that at times it can be a bit too much if you are a single person surrounded by those who aren’t and are curious as to why you are. This blog is to HELP me find the benefits of being single and to share them with others and have readers share them with me. Sometimes those benefits can get buried. They are often buried by society, your friends, sometimes your family and even at work.  Those times can make your situation feel really tough. That is why the topic of being alone should NEVER be swept under the rug because not everyone gets it.

I’m often reminded in my day to day life that my current predicament is what is right for me. And we are not always thrilled with our “right” decisions. If I could choose being single or being in a relationship with a man who is worth it, I’m not some dogged feminist to say “go away” to the guy. A relationship with someone would be more than great — IF it’s a relationship worth compromising and giving up a few things because as we know, you always have to give up a little in a coupled situation. If it isn’t, the connection with myself has to be strong so that dealing with being alone isn’t an agonizing process! It isn’t always easy. And I’ve never said I enjoy every minute of being unattached. However I know why I am and what good can come from it. As I know others do as well.

But happy about it? No. Accepting? Yes. And dealing with it as positively as I can from day to day — starting with my relationship with me.  It isn’t a prison sentence. But not really a walk in the park. It is all in how you see it and live with it.

Getting back in the game?

I get some interesting search engine terms that people plug in to get to this blog. One of them had to do with “dating again.” Well it made me think about an old post I wrote in a prior blog. It’s not a very old post and yet I’ve changed my thought process about getting back into the game. Mainly the part about finding a mate being a goal. Here it is word for word.

What’s funny about finally getting back into the game is right after you lose a round, you want to keep on punching. It’s like you get a boost or something and you say, “Wow, I guess I’m not entirely dead after all.” You say this to yourself as you start really looking again. But sometimes you feel like you don’t want to bother with all that dating crap anymore. Then you think, “Well it [finally functioning as a "normal" member of the dating community] happened before, maybe it can happen again.”
Vicious and nauseating cycle.
Maybe not all of us have this problem…(I’m guessing maybe it’s just weirdos like me) but after a certain age you start seeing this as desperate. However there is just something inside a person who wants to reach a goal that keeps them thirsty.
People say that you shouldn’t look for a mate. You should just go about your normal routine and let fate take its course. They always say that “when you least expect it, you will find the one you may be with the rest of your life.”
I tend to find these assumptions to be bologna. True, this happens. But so do those stupid connections you went out of your way to make.
Sometimes if you meet someone by chance, it can be exhilarating.
Sometimes so much so things fizzle.
Ah but when you’ve sought after it, it feels like a hunt, fight to the finish and what can be more satisfying than knowing you accomplished your mission?
Who am I kidding though? All of this is generally exhausting.
Are arranged marriages THAT bad?
 

Yes. They can be!

I think some of what I wrote still sticks with me. Especially the part of just “letting things happen.” I don’t think that is the way to obtain your “goal” of a relationship. But I think what has to change is your ideas about what your goal is and why you have that goal. And trying too hard is more than just a little pathetic. Since writing that post I think I’ve decided I’d rather not make a relationship a goal but instead realize it’s some kind of icing on a cake I don’t really need to eat but am curious about what kind it is, what it tastes like…and am kind of in the mood for! And I’ve officially stopped looking.

Loads of firewood…yep, that’s when you “need” a man

It was a lovely Thanksgiving of reflecting and spending time with my family. It was also a lovely 4-day weekend of roaring fires in my modest little apartment. I finished up the Christmas decorating and was inspired by cold whether and smells of pinecones to go out, get some selfish shopping done and load up on firewood.

That is when in happened. It was raining on the way home and actually most of the holiday. And then when I got home, the rain began to drizzle down harder and harder as I lugged my bags up the stairs. Then there was all the wood I stocked up on, waiting and taunting me in the back of my hatchback. And then there it was. That old (quite old) yet familiar pane of “dammit, this would be easier with TWO people.” But I managed. And quite nicely — filling my semi-in shape arms with loads of two for $6 bundles of wood. No help. No whimpering. I just got it done. But I’m not gonna lie. I was kind of wishing some dude was inside waiting for me so he could gallantly come hustling down the stairs to my “rescue.” Yea. I’ve mentioned this Winter Fever before I think so forgive the dramatic picture.

Mostly I just wanted some oaf to help. Any oaf. Gallant or not. Mine or not.  Can you pay someone for that? Oh and not have to pay for a happy ending?

Marriage is not the reason for life itself

That concept is surely something most would say that they agree with, but do we really as a society? They also happen to be the words of Alabama resident Rhea Jill Paul.

Rhea was kind enough for me to interview her about this obsession our society, especially in the South, has with marriage.

“Being born into a strict religious family in the South, I was inundated with the message that my purpose in life was to grow up, go to college, and get married,” she said. “This in fact was the pivotal factor in deciding which college to attend after graduating from high school.”

Rhea is 34 and has never been married. At 17 she began her adult studies at a private religious college. However it wasn’t the books and courses that weighed heavy on her mind — it was the constant questions from her mother of whether or not she met someone. And it wasn’t just her family applying the pressure. It was also her community.

“Because of the tremendous expectations to marry all throughout my life, when I did not find someone that was even almost suitable to have a long term relationship with, it devastated me,” she said. “That was in my twenties.”

Ring finger aware

The next installment of Let’s Talk  is coming later (quite later) today tonight. Turns out I discovered how to actually relax and didn’t do all the blogging I thought I would. But I did manage to make a few social calls…

First up was something called a Pink Party — no guys allowed — and all proceeds went to a mom who overcame breast cancer but still has the outrageous medical fees. What a great reason to break out the jello shots and banter. It was also nice to see the host again. I haven’t hung out with her in nearly a year now. I took a friend from work and we didn’t know a soul. After a few cocktails though that didn’t seem to matter as much because the food was yummy and the company was decent enough. Though a party without boys is something I would normally run from — like the wind!

I did notice something while I was there. After a few conversations with married women, I noticed myself scanning the room to see who else may have been married or otherwise betrothed in some way and showed evidence of that on left-hand ring fingers. I normally do that in a room full of men and for obvious reasons. But this was probably the first time I’ve done such in a room full of women. Because I guess it was the first time I was really sizing myself up with other chicks that could have been my age. I scanned each face, checked for the age in them. Were they my age? Older? When did they take this plunge of marriage? Why did they? More importantly why did I care? Just goes to show, as if to see what kind of lawn your neighbor is grooming, the same can be said for social engagements. I didn’t spend much time talking to everyone there and left before midnight. But I will say that most of the women were wearing a ring on that hand — all ages present. I will never really know if the lack of bare fingers were for accessorizing or were statements of commitment. I was however quite aware (more than usual) that mine was quite naked.

Next stop was an old haunt I have always enjoyed. I met up with a friend of mine from high school. She has always been very independent from men. Fought them even. But while visiting with her I discovered she is moving in with a guy she’s been seeing for almost a year. My initial reaction was shock. She never struck me as the commitment type. But there she was telling me about their first connection with each other and the whole “the rest is history” bit. All the while I was thinking: She of all people? The whole commitment thing? I never asked what held her back before but being her friend I can only imagine that most of the guys just didn’t add up until this one. And that is how I hope it worked for her. It could also be because she is reaching THAT age. The same age I’m soon to face before she even does. And we ain’t getting any younger. I could pretend that all that doesn’t really matter but sometimes it does. It just depends on how you decide to deal with it. Hopefully in her case it’s for an opportunity for a good relationship and not fear of being alone. I didn’t ask all the reasons –  not my business really. But I should have because I just have to know what changed her mind about such things. Unless such things were always a part of her character — and I just didn’t know it.

The “right” (air quotes implied) person doesn’t exactly exist, as I’ve mentioned before. However the wrong ones are ever so present and make themselves known to us more often than the less wrong ones! And even though us single folks out there may have more options in the wrong category, it doesn’t mean we need to take the wrong ones just to not be alone. Which is so easy to do when you aren’t exactly looking. And all you are really seeing is how many people around you are no longer by themselves.

Five singledom questions I keep asking myself…

I’m the only person I know that will actually spend some of her very short upcoming vacation catching up on blogging. That’s the plan come the end of this week. That’s either kind of sad or just being way too dedicated to sharing thoughts on a computer. But I happen to have my next interviewee  lined up. I find her to be a little bit of a mystery and yet the answers she gave to my questions seemed to reveal more than I expected. And Ms. Single Mama  said I can interview her as well. Stay tuned…

Some things have been running through my mind today about perspectives of single people and I’ve got a few questions to the masses. Feel free to be as candid as possible. Blunt as you want. Detailed as you feel.

1. How old is too old to be single? Is there such thing?

2. Are women more alone than men?

3. What are the most common places to meet people other than the bar?

4. Why are people so set on being married?

5. Should people be less picky?

These are all questions I’ve asked myself at some point. The answers keep changing. So what do you think?

Winter fever

It’s true. If a woman wants to get laid, all she need do is breath in the direction of a guy she’s got her eye on and the deal is sealed. I don’t have hard facts or articles to link to this so don’t look for some. Eh. It just is…

So when I started drooling over John Edwards, I knew that something was starting to turn seriously awry. I must need to get laid. I will say that as of late I haven’t really thought about it thoroughly really. I don’t wake up every day craving it. Needing it. Wondering about it. It’s just that I usually know when what I call winter fever starts to hit. To me it’s worse than spring fever. That time of year never affected me. No, it’s those times of year when it’s all cold outside and you want to get all toasty inside. The season of building intimate fires to keep warm and cream liquor flowing in glass tumblers. I think John is only the peak before the crescendo.  The last time this happened, well…Anyway.

I’ve changed so much since my winters of yesteryear. Casual sex and I will never cross paths again — I don’t think. Well all I know is that I still fear all the risks. Is it goofy to wait for “love?” Yes. It surely is. Maybe waiting for “not the guy I just met” is more feasible in today’s times.  I do believe putting my health first before whims of emotion or desire. And I choose to put my worth ahead of choosing a brief encounter. It took so very long to realize it wasn’t worth it.

So what now?

Well, thank the goddess for reoccupation after all…

The difference between selfish and focused…

As my previous post suggested, I’m kind of busy. So much so I haven’t even been dating me, myself and I. When I realized that, I pondered for a minute wondering if those who come across this blog find this “single is the new relationship” concept an act of selfishness, narcissistic.

I do kid myself a bit in my about page — I realize and even admit it’s all a bit egocentric. But some of the idea of embracing such an attitude comes from what I mentioned before — being busy. I spend so much of my day pleasing (or trying to please) others. And before I can really enjoy a relationship and say, “Gee, I’m ready to please YET ONE MORE PERSON in my life…”  I’ve had to shake myself silly and ask, “What about me?” Isn’t it time to please yourself? And I don’t mean that as dirty — unless that’s your kind of thing.

I don’t find that selfish when I give so much of myself to others and wonder where I fit in. Having a career, I guess I asked for this. All the while trying to stay focused on not just me personally and how I fit in this world, but on me emotionally. Maybe some of you can relate? So searching out other perspectives of being single, the benefits of being so, I came across this. Yes, yes. Another AskMen.com entry! I found an “article” listing the top 10 benefits of being single, here was number 2.

You can focus on your career

Life is a juggling act in which you have to keep the many elements aloft, paying equal attention to each one. But if you let one drop, you can channel your forces to the remaining parts. In the absence of a relationship, you’ll have much more time to devote to your work. You can put in those extra hours on a project to impress your boss, and even take on something else. And you don’t have to worry about sacrificing your love life, as you’ll be single and vigorous.

But should I/we (those of you in my same boat) be reeling back a bit? Of course there were other benefits listed in the “article,” I only seemed to focus on this one. Because somewhere I have forgotten the other 9, and many of them, to me, missed the mark (like the one saying you are free from nagging — that’s kind of petty.) But number 2, that one I noticed. And I don’t think it’s always a good thing to be so work-filled.

Is being busy really an excuse?

This weekend has been yet another one where work has come first. By the time I got home a little while ago, I was too beat to do anything but cook. Well, and also write this. And then I’ve got to get right back to working on deadline stuff. It isn’t any wonder busy people are single!  Tonight I’ve decided to really embrace everything I’m doing and see it as furthering my future. But at what cost, right? When do we just say enough already?

(this is really a post to excuse my not blogging since thursday!)

Though I’m not presently looking, spending so much time with my career isn’t exactly a sure fire way to get back into the dating world. Even as I type that, do I need to get back into the dating world? Everyone really makes it sound like you are missing out on something. I personally like the idea that when I finally get home, I can enjoy not being around people for a while. And in my line of work, sometimes that’s almost like heaven!

But I would love to hear your suggestions for a busy single…

Should you just stay home?

When I was quite a bit younger I always thought it was better to have a very large pool of friends. That meant that on any given night I may have gone out with three or more friends at tow. Today that kind of thing isn’t really the case anymore.

Many friends have moved away, drifted, lost common interests – so now what friends that I have left are what many people call associates –  not really that close but hang out from time to time. And I have my workmates or what close friends that stuck around through my ever-changing life. What happens though when you get older is that many of the friends left are in the middle of relationships, having children, getting married…

When you are single, those things are strangers to you. When you are confidently single those things can still shake your contentment with being alone. One of the reasons for this is what I encountered last night. Many people I know had decided to settle in with spouses and pass out candy to the Halloween trick-or-treaters. Some I didn’t call because I knew they are “dating” and nothing makes a person more flaky than a new relationship! But I’m not one to sit around and wait for things to happen. I decided to venture out on my own last night.

Some of you reading this may say why in the hell would you want to go somewhere alone? But why not? There’s no one to babysit. No one to drive home. No one to keep tabs on but yourself. And I’m happy to report that I had a great time heading out solo. Which has been the case before when I’ve made such a decision because I’m a strong advocate of not waiting around for someone to feed your happiness. You have to do this all on your own. You can’t always depend on people to share your enthusiasm of things and you can’t force them to always come along.

Instead of playing a tiny violin at your pity party next time you find yourself with possible plans but no one around to join you, go out on a limb and try it on your own. And if you are female (though males can be in danger too I guess if out alone at night!) follow these very obvious steps.

• Don’t get plastered. You don’t want to be the lonely person at the bar getting hammered. And more importantly, staying a bit more sober ensures you won’t have poor judgement come 2 a.m. Don’t let me go there…
• Walk to your car with your head up and look around at all times. Keep your keys out and look like you just pissed yourself. That facial expression alone will ward off potential harassers!
• Don’t get too comfy even if you are having a blast. Just one quick lapse in judgement can cost you a purse — or a wallet.
• Keep your class tightly in your hand — never leaving your side. Even if you have to put it on the toilet paper dispenser when you have to excuse yourself to the restroom..
• Remember to have fun. Don’t sit around worrying and feeling self-conscious about being by yourself. Sometimes it pays off in meeting new people. Some may even be alone themselves.

The bottom line is that if given the choice of attending an interesting party alone or staying at home ALONE because no one wanted to tag along, why would anyone want to sit around? Please prove me wrong if you don’t agree. I want to hear your opinions. Me? I would have been wondering what I was missing and isn’t getting out into the world one of the major points of life?

The reality of a single dad

If everyone was forced to wear a T-shirt that begrudgingly boasted our relationship status ala Crimson Letter style, Greg Pierce’s would read: Divorced father of two. Single for seven and half years. However if allowed one caveat in this label hungry world, I would plaster So What? to the back of Greg’s shirt.

“The first misconception that comes to mind [about being single] is that all single people are miserable, lonely lost souls that live every day of their life looking for someone,” the 42-year-old said. “That just isn’t true in all cases. Not mine anyway.”

Greg is my first interviewee for “Let’s Talk.” He has been a resident of Houston for 18 years where he lives with his 13-year-old daughter Gabby. His oldest daughter Sara is 20 and out on her own. When asked if he would have done anything differently, he confidently said “no.”

“I’ve been pretty consistent in my life and I don’t think I could have done much else in the marriage to affect the outcome,” Greg said. “She determined that.”

His initial reaction to being divorced he said was a common one. One that begged disbelief — I can’t believe this is actually happening. Another misconception: it’s all the husband’s doing when a marriage falls apart.

Dear, sad being single…

WordPress has a very interesting feature to its software as you press users already know. You have the capability to see what people have typed into a search engine in order to get to your blog. One in particular stands out everyday: sad being single. Of course I have no idea who the people are typing those three timid little words. I don’t know if they are male or female. What race they are. But none of that matters of course. I have the same message: Don’t be. Another one that comes up is a variation of being recently single after a relationship split.

The benefits of being single may not outweigh the benefits of being in a relationship for you personally, but put things in perspective. Now it’s just you. You don’t have to answer to someone else when you want to go out and do things without the other person — oh like girls’ night out, a boy’s frolic to a the local strip joint, a quick road trip, etc. I’m being slightly tongue in cheek on at least one of those suggestions. Bottom line: Claim your freedom! I’m not insensitive enough to say “get over it.” That’s unrealistic. You deserve the right to be broken up about being broken up. Have your moment. Then get past it. Yep, this is all advice and I know my disclaimer says this isn’t an advice blog. It isn’t. But I hope it’s a haven for everyone who feels upset, sad, disappointed about becoming single or still being single.

Try this if you are recently single:

• Reevaluate. Look at this as a time to reflect. Yep, that sounds sappy. But just do it. Reflect with a glass of wine if you must. Reflect with a photographic trip to the lake. Reflect with your favorite sex toy. Whatever gets you focused. I like a combo of all three myself. Er, maybe not that last one…
• Exercise realistic optimism: Once you are over being in the dumps, see this as an opportunity for a chance to start again but realize that you need to always be prepared to be alone.
• Share your day with another person who is single. The stories alone should brighten your outlook. There is always something to laugh about — trust me.

All of these suggestions are also good for those who are sad being single, still. But really, there’s nothing to be sad about. Embark in new things you could never experience with another person. Just reevaluate.

Jab, bob and leave

I tried a little experiment last week.

I’ve been reading a lot — OK, OK, the reading was on AskMen.com — about how today’s women are super independent, make their own money, handle their stuff (all that wonderful feminist banter we have come to know and love) but the complaint has been that these women are still not asking out men. And as I pushed on, search engines seemed to bring up numerous links addressing a variation of the following question, “Why don’t women ask men out?”

I disagree but only slightly because I believe that a man should take the lead at some point but not necessarily at the start. So being that I was at an event that just happened to be at a bar, I fulfilled the bar-meet-up stereotype — only I stepped up to the guy first. And I even decided to approach him as a guy would with the whole jab, bob and leave routine.

Scenario:

I said hello. Easy enough. Then I proceeded to sweet-talk him into buying a raffle for the benefit I was there supporting. When he said he hadn’t any cash and that he paid for his wristband with a check (geez), I just quickly said, “Well, I’ll get the raffle and you can just buy me a drink.” Mission accomplished and with a large grin, I might add.
The next thing I made sure of was to only keep the small talk short. When I received my drink, I said “I’ve got to get back to my friends but how about I leave you my number?”
He does one better and gives me his phone and I enter my digits.
Then he says, “If you get tired of your friends, you are welcome to come back.”
After I walked away and sat with my friends, I noticed he kept trying to hold the chair I was previously using as an anchor during our chat.

Should you have to pay to play?

What happened to fate and chance? Oh yea, it got lost somewhere between our grab-a-quick-latte-rushing-to-work-meetings-working-weekends-running-errands-you-get-the-idea way of life. Times (as they have the habit of doing) have really changed and online dating companies make millions (if not more) on the busy single folks.  Want to know how much? Well me too. I’ll admit my limited research didn’t turn up much more than something about Yahoo! and it’s profits so far.

But consider these prices from Consumer Search:

$30 per month (est.) for Match.com

$50 per month (est.) for Chemistry.com

$60 per month (est. though you can get discount codes) for eHarmony

And consider that singles are on the rise according to the U.S. Census.

 92 million
Number of unmarried and single Americans 18 and older in 2006. This group comprised 42 percent of all U.S. residents 18 and older.

Combine the two and you know there’s a goldmine. Just Google the phrase “online dating sites” you will see tons of links on how to start your own. Preying on the unattached is now a very profitable business showing no signs of slowing down anytime soon. But why should we have to pay to meet someone?

Just because it’s on sale, you don’t have to buy it

Those words of wisdom came from The Loudmouth Protestant, one of my readers at my other blog.  I’ve got to thank LMP for her stating that phrase I’m using in the title of this post.

It was in response to a post I wrote about the burden of when someone in your past wants back in your life. And what you should do about it. As this saying obviously says, you are shopping and see something on sale and available — but do you need it?

This may seem like a quite pedestrian comparison, but I like it and it makes sense. There are so many romantics out there and I’m sure you are groaning at such a metaphor. Hey, sometimes you just need a good metaphor!I think when you are single, it can just get tempting to go back to the familiar — someone who you once had a relationship. But I say be careful on your shopping excursion. Does the outfit fit at all? Does it compliment the rest of your wardrobe? It may be on sale now, but why didn’t you purchase it before if it was a true ”must have?” Are you buying it just because you need something new and not because you need it? Sure it’s not perfect, but does it even suite you? Once you have pondered all that, the answer will probably become clearer for you. It did for me. And just because many people would choose being a couple over being confidently single, doesn’t mean you have to go snatch up the first sight of a potential reunion. Be careful and look at it with the eyes of “is this something I need in my life?”

That said, there’s nothing wrong with browsing, trying on and looking at your potential purchase in the mirror. But before you take out your heart and risk the purchase, be sure. And don’t be afraid of the alternative — being uncommitted to the excursion all together and going home without anything on your arm. It just leaves room for more opportunity at another time.

Don’t fool yourself: There is no Mr./Miss Right

But there is Mr./Miss I Hope I Will Be Able to Stand You This Time Next Year.  Mr./Miss Well At Least You Are Better Than My Last One. And  Mr./Miss At Least You Don’t Snore. Of course I’m being a little facetious but let’s get real. This may not be a news flash, but Mr./Miss Right does not exist. So let’s stop looking for them. Don’t sit here and read this and say you don’t or didn’t. I think everyone can admit that at some point we have all searched out the unattainable “right.” Even though we all know it isn’t possible, I think there is a part of us that still wants to keep hope alive, so to speak.

I think we need to dissect the difference between “right” and “acceptable.” Maybe acceptable sounds like settling. It isn’t. It’s realistic. Right means perfect. It means, “My type is tall, doesn’t lie, has a great sense of humor, sense of duty, great smile, cute, handsome, great with kids, good job…etc.” Please correct me but does this person exist? The person that checks out on every line of your “list” of great qualities? Usually if this person does exist and seems to fit the bill, there is something you didn’t see lurking on the well-crafted paper. Something that you may have missed and only get to see once you are in it — and in it good. Hence, there can not be a Mr./Miss Right.

We were fed the story of Mr./Miss Right at an early age. And hopefully today’s generation has more open eyes. We were told that “your soul-mate is out there — searching for you too.” We were  told “there is someone for everyone.” But who is to say that your “true love” is only one person. For your whole life the fact that only one person on this entire planet is your perfect fit is the stuff of fairytales. And in fact who we encounter everyday are tiny pieces of what we would consider perfection. As if we could build the perfect being, we would take this person’s attitude, that person’s great way with people, this person over here’s great dimples. Each person we meet is a piece of a greater whole — just not encompassed in one. And in turn some of the characteristics you seek are really what you seek for yourself internally.

If you sat down and wrote what you really wanted in a mate, you may discover that what you truly wanted is either what you encompass already in yourself or are traits you would like to posses. If it is the latter, maybe the real challenge is trying to attain those characteristics you seek – those tiny special requests on your list — for your soul first. Not a ”soul” mate.

 Well, minus the dimples (if you don’t already have them.)

Honest and apparently flowery

I’ve been called a lot of things, but flowery has got to be an all new first for me. You can thank Good Pink Knight  (and I will thank Pink too because maybe this proves a little progress in my attitude) for that comment, which resides in a very kind shout out from Misstress M. Much appreciation to her by the way.

Yes. “Peaches and cream” and “flowery” are foreign terms in my world. I really laughed at the idea that I was accused of being about “I love you and you love me.” Again, laughable but not offensive to me because mostly it’s always been my polar opposite. Actually, I’ve been accused of being too pessimistic all my life. Accused of not seeing all the cliches: “The bright side.” “The silver lining.” “The glass half full…” I would rather say realistic optimist, but whatever.

This concept I’m writing about at this blog,  ”oneness” and “single being the new relationship” may sound really “peaches and cream” and fa la la to some, but it is a better place than the bitterness I lived in just a very short time ago when it came to being alone — hell, not even a year ago! Forgive me Miss Pink but I see this blog as a place to learn how to handle things a little better, for me and hopefully for others. A place to realize things. Discuss things. Not necessarily agree about those things but work towards a better outlook other than the potential doom and gloom of a single situation. I don’t want to be that single girl any more that can’t stand her life because she isn’t paired up.

I’m far from being light. But if that’s the tone of this content, so be it. One thing it is — real. And what I won’t apologize for is being honest.

Being OK with single makes relationships easier

One great thing about being single is not having to worry about all the relationship questions couples have to worry about. All of those restrictions of freedom, the constant compromise, the worries about trust — singles don’t have those issues. More to the point our issues are different like, “I just got invited to so and so’s party, and I need a date. Hum…” There are so many advantages to being single but some things can be inconvenient. Namely the worse being, as I stated in an earlier post, is who to trust with your loins!

But what happens when it seems that you may be getting involved again? I don’t necessarily believe that my discovery of “the new relationship” is a direct result of bitterness. Maybe at first (I will readily admit!) but that is not what it has evolved into. I will say that because of the repeat offenders to my reluctantly trusting heart, I have continued to be gun-shy. When someone comes along –again– wanting to be in my life, I am apprehensive. The difference now is that I’ve realized that I’m fine alone, which only pushes me to risk a potential relationship again. Because of my “single being the new relationship” discovery, I hope to handle things if they don’t go my way, which wasn’t always the case before.

Just because I know that life is simpler being alone, I’m not going to lie to you all and say single for life is something I want. Single being the new relationship is about being OK with oneness. So much so that when a relationship pops up, you are ready to be alone again if things go wrong. That may not seem very romantic or optimistic, but if you dissect the idea, it really is. The optimism is looking forward to getting back to YOU if/when relationships don’t work out. Too many times I’ve let myself cry in a pillow. You can cry. But stop after a day or so. Understanding single has so many benefits can guard you from pain later. And if you have the attitude of not making that person in your life the solution to anything and see he or she as an asset to your life instead of a completion, I believe the trust and relationship can be stronger.

That said taking the risk of coupledom is feasible, prepared and overall better because you know that you were a whole person before the opportunity of relationships comes knocking.

How not to respond to being single

Not finding your other half…

Yep. It’s tough sometimes. But don’t let society tell you that you HAVE another half. It just makes it sound like you weren’t a whole person to begin with, which is the worse kind of outlook. When I realized this…living with singledom was a lot simpler. I’m not saying that it still isn’t wonderful to have another person in your life. But he or she shouldn’t complete you. They should compliment you.

 

Why are you staying together?

Do you really know?

I’ve had met countless people who don’t seem all that crazy about their marriage or long-term relationship. The fights are more often than the love. The incessant acceptance but secret loathing of what the other does in the relationship continues. The mind wanders to straying in all forms of what that entails. And the physical, emotional and mental distance leaves an imprint on their hearts. I speak naively of course, I’m not in a relationship. But some of those factors are why I’m not! Why do people stay together in such circumstances?

I’ve observed a few things that can possibly explain:

No. 1 and probably the most common reason is habit. Those are so hard to break as we all know but we aren’t talking about nail-biting here. Many times I’ve heard that it just becomes routine. Like getting up and brushing your teeth. The day you don’t brush your teeth you notice. But I think if you start making your relationship a matter of routine, then you are heading to the land of I’m-bored-point-me-to-Second-Life.

No.2 Fear of being alone. I know this fear. We are more than acquainted and have in fact been in a long-term relationship! However the fear of being alone has helped me make numerous mistakes. So maybe it’s time to take the fear out of oneness.

No. 3 Not having any other financial support base. While this is probably the hardest situation, it is not impossible. What with so many networks, programs and educational outlets, the days of having to rely on one person should be slowly working their way to being over. There’s a difference between getting assistance and being completely dependent.

No. 4 The kids. A very common reason. I have worked with young children before and they aren’t stupid. They know when something is up and will more likely rather you break up than stay together for them just so they can see you fighting or being distant with one another.

No. 5 is love. Very important reason by the way. But notice I didn’t say “in love.” I’m no relationship guru by no stretch of the imagination but being “in love” I feel is the key to a lasting, happy relationship. Sometimes just loving the person isn’t enough. Ask anyone who has cheated on their spouse. They will always say they love them. But do they ever say the are in love with them?

It’s OK to start a new life with yourself, by yourself. There are certain risks you can afford. Seeking a better way to live is certainly one of them.

I don’t fit that box

Is it because in this world of everyone having to fit in a category, that when you don’t, it just makes it that much harder for you to connect to someone else? Seems that even if you find another person “not in the box” along with you, the dynamic gets so volatile that you just end up not meshing.

For example: You go after (and pretty much settle for) a simpleton because you aren’t as simple, all the while thinking opposites attract. If this is your method (and maybe it’s just me that tried this out) you are completely delusional about your results. This effort is not productive either. Turns out you are too complicated, ending up needing more communication and connection than your simpleton counterpart.

So now what?

You decide you go on chemistry.com. Or eharmony.com (which I would never recommend because of how narrow-minded it is) because you are thinking that if you take a special test to find another person who also scored the same way on his or her special test, you may have finally cracked the code.

But what you end up doing is asking more questions than finding answers.

A.) You rethink spending hard-earned payola to find a “possible” soul mate.
B.) You ask, “Why is it that only three people match my special test?”
C.) What has become of the regular way people meet when so many sites exist keeping you in the house?

Stop and reevaluate why you are looking. I took a long and very hard look as to why I was and realized that many of the reasons were not good enough. Only one truly defines a somewhat valid reason why we look: The want of being in love and to give that kind of love to one person.

To border on the line of sap, if that kind of love in supposed to be a part of your life, it will come. And when the opportunities arrise, grab them! Now. If I can just believe that! Until then, realizing why you look can be a big part of accepting being single at this moment. Are they realistic? Are they genuine. Are they about what that person can do for you or are they even remotely about love at all?

Smashing the single woman stereotype

Single women are not generally unhappy.

However if someone were to ask me three months ago if I was terribly unhappy being single, I would have only half-way raised my hand. I say half-way because terribly unhappy is an exaggeration. A little unhappy was a realization. But if you asked me today, I would say I was finally content. That resolve didn’t happen overnight nor was it an easy road. However if you are an unhappy single woman, consider this: In a January Talk of the Nation segment, the following was discussed.

For what may be the first time, 51 percent of American women are living without a husband. And single women are more socially connected, economically stable, and happier than ever before.

This is no coincidence. Women are just getting stronger by the minute and realizing they don’t need a husband to survive. They are making their own way through life and finally putting rest the old fashioned idea of needing a significant other. Those statements aren’t my proclamation of a feminist movement. It is just fact. In my company alone there are several women who have just been promoted passed the glass ceiling and are continuing to whack the hell out of it. Even though some of them are married, they were the driven type of individuals who were well on their path of success. If they weren’t married, they could still stand on their own two feet.

As for me, the timing of my own contentment coincided with several self-realizations.

A.) I finally accepted my place in my career.

B.) I began venturing out in several avenues of self-improvement.

C.) I stopped beating myself up about marking SINGLE on those annoying little boxes on various paperwork.

Being single isn’t a fault. It isn’t something to appologize for when people around you may shake their heads and ask, “What’s so great about being single?”

From BaltAmour writer Maryann James.

I was out with two of my friends the other night, one (Friend 1) who is going through a break-up and another (Friend 2) who is still fighting a fake-up, when Friend 1 asked us, “What’s so great about being single?”

There was silence at the table. Then, being the swinging single I am, I responded, “Because you’re free! You don’t have to answer to anyone! You can be your own person!”

Which is partly true, and partly a lie. When you’re in a relationship, you can still be your own person. (In fact, I’d say it’s better when you are.) The only difference between being single and taken is that when you’re single, you can afford to be selfish and have some measure of all-about-me focus, because, well, it is only you.

Someone tell me, what is really all that sad about that?!