My best friend’s wedding

I wasn’t there for it.
Actually it was really a Justice of the Peace thing and she plans to have a real ceremony sometime later in the year. I really hope she does because I feel like a rite of passage has now come and gone without my witnessing it. The day we both thought I would see first — marriage. It’s a rite of passage not because of her being a new bride but because the two of us, now in our third decade of life, had a pact to be there for one another for things such as this.

I wanted to be there for her. But I couldn’t. She lives a few states away and our schedules are impossible. It’s weird considering her a wife now. It was also weird at first seeing her as a mother but when she had her son I saw she was born to be one. Now that she has added wife to her title, that’s one that will take some adjusting. I remember all our talks about marriage, dating…how men “just didn’t get it.”

Now she’s wed. And she is the last of my close friends to take this leap. I wish her well but wonder how long it will take before it might just bother me — being the last. Maybe it already does? Maybe it doesn’t matter. I can keep up the most brave face I can possibly muster, and convince myself that I’m still OK with being single. But I waver. I am also just human.

Marriage keeps rearing its ugly head

No matter how hard I try to fight it, I’m approaching 31 as of 49 days from now, give or take some hours. And the fact remains, to be over 30 and not ever married makes you a marked woman. When men approach this age and are never married, we tend to just shrug it off as a guy who is still “sewing his oats” or got so career-minded he seemed to have forgot to find a great gal and marry her. When women get to this point, we tend to shake our head, label her and decide she must be damaged goods. You may be sitting there  in absolute disagreement but don’t deny it. Women in there 30s still single, never married, seems to be an oddity in concept but surely increasing in numbers.

Being a photographer, I know find myself always surrounded in weddings. I love to shoot them. They are beautiful and the girly-girl in me gets kind of goofy in all the flutter and tulle. But for some reason, while I’m shooting, I don’t really get emotional about the vows and the rings and the words…words…words…That’s all they are until you get home and spend about seven years with the person. Then I wonder do people remember those words they said in front of family, friends, random plus ones and our God of many names.

So far I’m pretty much the last of my old-school friends who isn’t married, engaged or practically married and I will admit it feels kind of weird. I’m not sure what I really see in a marriage other than the fact that two people can coexist with each other, support each other and keep a 50/50 playing field. I always imagined a marriage for myself as one where the two of us play hard, work hard and if we go to bed angry, we wake up having the makeup. That’s probably very unrealistic because it’s so simple and nothing is simple.

Self-discovery isn’t overrated. I feel we all need time alone to even know what the hell we want or even who in the world we are. Sometimes that takes a while. And sometimes when you find all of that, your life can hit a reset button and you start all over again. The question is, do we do alone?

Is being alone all that bad?

I have been slacking on this blog. But not so much when it comes to commenting on previous posts here, namely the ones about today’s negative belief in women. Just look at the most popular posts on the right of the page and you will see they have to do with Tom Leykis. But not really just about him –  this new (ish) view of marriage, women and feminism. It’s all very stimulating and I find the male responses to be more than a little insightful –  it’s very exciting in a sad/interesting/enlightening way. And the more that I read into what these men are saying, the more I keep asking myself: Is being alone all that bad?

When did all of this relationship stuff get so damn complicated? When did we become enemies of ourselves and of each other’s sex? What happens to a world filled with people who pretty much say, “I can do bad all by myself” or “I’m much better off alone”? I’ve become one of those people — reluctantly I guess. I realize now that I will probably be alone but I don’t cry about it. Ask me 10 years ago and I would have thought it was the end of the world. Instead I see it as another hurdle I need to face, overcome and move on — mainly because I see even more now that men in general don’t seem to see/want the same things I do. And if they do, nine times out of ten they are married. And they may only seem to go my direction because they are looking for some diversity and I don’t mean race/culture. I mean distractions from reality — their own private Idaho they don’t always want to come home to.

Being that I’m not the type to go after a married man, but tend to be apathetic at the wrong times, this just means I get to let them vent. I’m always left wondering, “How did THEY get there?” I have yet to see what the big deal about marriage is! So far all I’ve learned from other people’s marriages is that freedom is sweet. And that I’m lucky not to have to worry about kids because nine times out of ten an unhappy marriage stays together for the kids’ sake. How sad! Who wants to live like that?

Ultimately, or usually, people who date long-term turn to each other after an average of about three years and ask, “Now what?” Planning that wedding becomes the answer and believe me, I’ve been guilty of that. I’ve been engaged twice. And I guess I’ve always just figured I failed. But maybe I escaped? Maybe I’m just free to live the life I should and would have never had if I was shackled and knocked up.

So: Is being along all that bad? And is it just a reflection of our bitterness toward each other as human beings? OK: Woman got too independent. Men stop needing us for anything more than sex. These are statements I’ve ACTUALLY heard. What do you think?

Mischief: The answer to the sweet life?

Yes. I am dup-posting again. (pretty sure that isn’t a word but if you start using it, give me street cred.) I just uploaded this post on my other blog but it seemed only right to share it on this blog dedicated to single speech…

While scrummaging around in my closet yesterday getting ready for the company Christmas party, I found an old fortune from who knows how long ago. It reads:

Be mischievous and you will not be lonesome…

Is it wrong that I took this to mean when it comes to men? I think I’ve been mischievous before and I appear to still be single. Let me check…

Yep. Single.

Anyway as I’ve said before the holidays are not the times many people are keeping up with blogging so I don’t know if anyone is even reading this, but I just had to write about this fortune. Not only is the scripture odd, but it’s not your typical fortune.

Most fortunes, even the really good ones you get from Pei Wei, always say something like being good to get what you want or paying it back or some other kind of funky foretelling. But to be mischievous? That sounds like an evil fortune. Did the devil spike my cookie? I wonder if I did something mischievous when I originally opened that cookie…

Does this mean I need to be all about sex and whatnot? Or does this mean that I’ve just got to kick up the sexy? I don’t know that I need to take cues from a fortune, of course. Especially one found on my floor that was possibly from two years ago that probably fell out of my jewelry box. But the coincidence that I found it just before that party is a strange one.

And I don’t know if I was fueled by it or not but I was up to a bit of mischief last night. The fortune was right. But I am pretty sure I was not alone with a potential suitor. (If that is even what “not being lonesome” meant in this particular case of odd fortune.) More like a fairly amusing night of my laughing too loud, sneaking an ill-gotten tequila shot with a coworker by the pool, talking inappropriately at a late dinner with other coworker friends and their boyfriends, and then a drive home — alone.

I have saved that fortune though. For a later date.

Never said I was happy about it…

There may be a misconception here at this blog. I don’t think that I’ve ever said I’m happy about being single. I’m not miserable either nor do I feel a need for someone in my life. A want? Of course and I’ve never said differently. I think if I’m going to have such an open blog about this topic, I need to make sure I get it all out there…

Some of you reading this may say it isn’t really a big deal, unaware that at times it can be a bit too much if you are a single person surrounded by those who aren’t and are curious as to why you are. This blog is to HELP me find the benefits of being single and to share them with others and have readers share them with me. Sometimes those benefits can get buried. They are often buried by society, your friends, sometimes your family and even at work.  Those times can make your situation feel really tough. That is why the topic of being alone should NEVER be swept under the rug because not everyone gets it.

I’m often reminded in my day to day life that my current predicament is what is right for me. And we are not always thrilled with our “right” decisions. If I could choose being single or being in a relationship with a man who is worth it, I’m not some dogged feminist to say “go away” to the guy. A relationship with someone would be more than great — IF it’s a relationship worth compromising and giving up a few things because as we know, you always have to give up a little in a coupled situation. If it isn’t, the connection with myself has to be strong so that dealing with being alone isn’t an agonizing process! It isn’t always easy. And I’ve never said I enjoy every minute of being unattached. However I know why I am and what good can come from it. As I know others do as well.

But happy about it? No. Accepting? Yes. And dealing with it as positively as I can from day to day — starting with my relationship with me.  It isn’t a prison sentence. But not really a walk in the park. It is all in how you see it and live with it.

Marriage is not the reason for life itself

That concept is surely something most would say that they agree with, but do we really as a society? They also happen to be the words of Alabama resident Rhea Jill Paul.

Rhea was kind enough for me to interview her about this obsession our society, especially in the South, has with marriage.

“Being born into a strict religious family in the South, I was inundated with the message that my purpose in life was to grow up, go to college, and get married,” she said. “This in fact was the pivotal factor in deciding which college to attend after graduating from high school.”

Rhea is 34 and has never been married. At 17 she began her adult studies at a private religious college. However it wasn’t the books and courses that weighed heavy on her mind — it was the constant questions from her mother of whether or not she met someone. And it wasn’t just her family applying the pressure. It was also her community.

“Because of the tremendous expectations to marry all throughout my life, when I did not find someone that was even almost suitable to have a long term relationship with, it devastated me,” she said. “That was in my twenties.”

The difference between selfish and focused…

As my previous post suggested, I’m kind of busy. So much so I haven’t even been dating me, myself and I. When I realized that, I pondered for a minute wondering if those who come across this blog find this “single is the new relationship” concept an act of selfishness, narcissistic.

I do kid myself a bit in my about page — I realize and even admit it’s all a bit egocentric. But some of the idea of embracing such an attitude comes from what I mentioned before — being busy. I spend so much of my day pleasing (or trying to please) others. And before I can really enjoy a relationship and say, “Gee, I’m ready to please YET ONE MORE PERSON in my life…”  I’ve had to shake myself silly and ask, “What about me?” Isn’t it time to please yourself? And I don’t mean that as dirty — unless that’s your kind of thing.

I don’t find that selfish when I give so much of myself to others and wonder where I fit in. Having a career, I guess I asked for this. All the while trying to stay focused on not just me personally and how I fit in this world, but on me emotionally. Maybe some of you can relate? So searching out other perspectives of being single, the benefits of being so, I came across this. Yes, yes. Another AskMen.com entry! I found an “article” listing the top 10 benefits of being single, here was number 2.

You can focus on your career

Life is a juggling act in which you have to keep the many elements aloft, paying equal attention to each one. But if you let one drop, you can channel your forces to the remaining parts. In the absence of a relationship, you’ll have much more time to devote to your work. You can put in those extra hours on a project to impress your boss, and even take on something else. And you don’t have to worry about sacrificing your love life, as you’ll be single and vigorous.

But should I/we (those of you in my same boat) be reeling back a bit? Of course there were other benefits listed in the “article,” I only seemed to focus on this one. Because somewhere I have forgotten the other 9, and many of them, to me, missed the mark (like the one saying you are free from nagging — that’s kind of petty.) But number 2, that one I noticed. And I don’t think it’s always a good thing to be so work-filled.

The reality of a single dad

If everyone was forced to wear a T-shirt that begrudgingly boasted our relationship status ala Crimson Letter style, Greg Pierce’s would read: Divorced father of two. Single for seven and half years. However if allowed one caveat in this label hungry world, I would plaster So What? to the back of Greg’s shirt.

“The first misconception that comes to mind [about being single] is that all single people are miserable, lonely lost souls that live every day of their life looking for someone,” the 42-year-old said. “That just isn’t true in all cases. Not mine anyway.”

Greg is my first interviewee for “Let’s Talk.” He has been a resident of Houston for 18 years where he lives with his 13-year-old daughter Gabby. His oldest daughter Sara is 20 and out on her own. When asked if he would have done anything differently, he confidently said “no.”

“I’ve been pretty consistent in my life and I don’t think I could have done much else in the marriage to affect the outcome,” Greg said. “She determined that.”

His initial reaction to being divorced he said was a common one. One that begged disbelief — I can’t believe this is actually happening. Another misconception: it’s all the husband’s doing when a marriage falls apart.

BaltAmour mention

If you are like me and aren’t from Baltimore, make sure you tell Maryann James, writer for the singles blog BaltAmour, hello. The 20-something is a copy editor for the The Baltimore Sun. And she keeps a real pulse on the dating scene there. She also has given a few mentions to this blog over at her own.

Stop by and engage in the convo. It’s fresh, entertaining and I only hope to be half the blogger she is right now!!

Jab, bob and leave

I tried a little experiment last week.

I’ve been reading a lot — OK, OK, the reading was on AskMen.com — about how today’s women are super independent, make their own money, handle their stuff (all that wonderful feminist banter we have come to know and love) but the complaint has been that these women are still not asking out men. And as I pushed on, search engines seemed to bring up numerous links addressing a variation of the following question, “Why don’t women ask men out?”

I disagree but only slightly because I believe that a man should take the lead at some point but not necessarily at the start. So being that I was at an event that just happened to be at a bar, I fulfilled the bar-meet-up stereotype — only I stepped up to the guy first. And I even decided to approach him as a guy would with the whole jab, bob and leave routine.

Scenario:

I said hello. Easy enough. Then I proceeded to sweet-talk him into buying a raffle for the benefit I was there supporting. When he said he hadn’t any cash and that he paid for his wristband with a check (geez), I just quickly said, “Well, I’ll get the raffle and you can just buy me a drink.” Mission accomplished and with a large grin, I might add.
The next thing I made sure of was to only keep the small talk short. When I received my drink, I said “I’ve got to get back to my friends but how about I leave you my number?”
He does one better and gives me his phone and I enter my digits.
Then he says, “If you get tired of your friends, you are welcome to come back.”
After I walked away and sat with my friends, I noticed he kept trying to hold the chair I was previously using as an anchor during our chat.

Should you have to pay to play?

What happened to fate and chance? Oh yea, it got lost somewhere between our grab-a-quick-latte-rushing-to-work-meetings-working-weekends-running-errands-you-get-the-idea way of life. Times (as they have the habit of doing) have really changed and online dating companies make millions (if not more) on the busy single folks.  Want to know how much? Well me too. I’ll admit my limited research didn’t turn up much more than something about Yahoo! and it’s profits so far.

But consider these prices from Consumer Search:

$30 per month (est.) for Match.com

$50 per month (est.) for Chemistry.com

$60 per month (est. though you can get discount codes) for eHarmony

And consider that singles are on the rise according to the U.S. Census.

 92 million
Number of unmarried and single Americans 18 and older in 2006. This group comprised 42 percent of all U.S. residents 18 and older.

Combine the two and you know there’s a goldmine. Just Google the phrase “online dating sites” you will see tons of links on how to start your own. Preying on the unattached is now a very profitable business showing no signs of slowing down anytime soon. But why should we have to pay to meet someone?

Just because it’s on sale, you don’t have to buy it

Those words of wisdom came from The Loudmouth Protestant, one of my readers at my other blog.  I’ve got to thank LMP for her stating that phrase I’m using in the title of this post.

It was in response to a post I wrote about the burden of when someone in your past wants back in your life. And what you should do about it. As this saying obviously says, you are shopping and see something on sale and available — but do you need it?

This may seem like a quite pedestrian comparison, but I like it and it makes sense. There are so many romantics out there and I’m sure you are groaning at such a metaphor. Hey, sometimes you just need a good metaphor!I think when you are single, it can just get tempting to go back to the familiar — someone who you once had a relationship. But I say be careful on your shopping excursion. Does the outfit fit at all? Does it compliment the rest of your wardrobe? It may be on sale now, but why didn’t you purchase it before if it was a true ”must have?” Are you buying it just because you need something new and not because you need it? Sure it’s not perfect, but does it even suite you? Once you have pondered all that, the answer will probably become clearer for you. It did for me. And just because many people would choose being a couple over being confidently single, doesn’t mean you have to go snatch up the first sight of a potential reunion. Be careful and look at it with the eyes of “is this something I need in my life?”

That said, there’s nothing wrong with browsing, trying on and looking at your potential purchase in the mirror. But before you take out your heart and risk the purchase, be sure. And don’t be afraid of the alternative — being uncommitted to the excursion all together and going home without anything on your arm. It just leaves room for more opportunity at another time.

Don’t fool yourself: There is no Mr./Miss Right

But there is Mr./Miss I Hope I Will Be Able to Stand You This Time Next Year.  Mr./Miss Well At Least You Are Better Than My Last One. And  Mr./Miss At Least You Don’t Snore. Of course I’m being a little facetious but let’s get real. This may not be a news flash, but Mr./Miss Right does not exist. So let’s stop looking for them. Don’t sit here and read this and say you don’t or didn’t. I think everyone can admit that at some point we have all searched out the unattainable “right.” Even though we all know it isn’t possible, I think there is a part of us that still wants to keep hope alive, so to speak.

I think we need to dissect the difference between “right” and “acceptable.” Maybe acceptable sounds like settling. It isn’t. It’s realistic. Right means perfect. It means, “My type is tall, doesn’t lie, has a great sense of humor, sense of duty, great smile, cute, handsome, great with kids, good job…etc.” Please correct me but does this person exist? The person that checks out on every line of your “list” of great qualities? Usually if this person does exist and seems to fit the bill, there is something you didn’t see lurking on the well-crafted paper. Something that you may have missed and only get to see once you are in it — and in it good. Hence, there can not be a Mr./Miss Right.

We were fed the story of Mr./Miss Right at an early age. And hopefully today’s generation has more open eyes. We were told that “your soul-mate is out there — searching for you too.” We were  told “there is someone for everyone.” But who is to say that your “true love” is only one person. For your whole life the fact that only one person on this entire planet is your perfect fit is the stuff of fairytales. And in fact who we encounter everyday are tiny pieces of what we would consider perfection. As if we could build the perfect being, we would take this person’s attitude, that person’s great way with people, this person over here’s great dimples. Each person we meet is a piece of a greater whole — just not encompassed in one. And in turn some of the characteristics you seek are really what you seek for yourself internally.

If you sat down and wrote what you really wanted in a mate, you may discover that what you truly wanted is either what you encompass already in yourself or are traits you would like to posses. If it is the latter, maybe the real challenge is trying to attain those characteristics you seek – those tiny special requests on your list — for your soul first. Not a ”soul” mate.

 Well, minus the dimples (if you don’t already have them.)

How not to respond to being single

Not finding your other half…

Yep. It’s tough sometimes. But don’t let society tell you that you HAVE another half. It just makes it sound like you weren’t a whole person to begin with, which is the worse kind of outlook. When I realized this…living with singledom was a lot simpler. I’m not saying that it still isn’t wonderful to have another person in your life. But he or she shouldn’t complete you. They should compliment you.

 

Why are you staying together?

Do you really know?

I’ve had met countless people who don’t seem all that crazy about their marriage or long-term relationship. The fights are more often than the love. The incessant acceptance but secret loathing of what the other does in the relationship continues. The mind wanders to straying in all forms of what that entails. And the physical, emotional and mental distance leaves an imprint on their hearts. I speak naively of course, I’m not in a relationship. But some of those factors are why I’m not! Why do people stay together in such circumstances?

I’ve observed a few things that can possibly explain:

No. 1 and probably the most common reason is habit. Those are so hard to break as we all know but we aren’t talking about nail-biting here. Many times I’ve heard that it just becomes routine. Like getting up and brushing your teeth. The day you don’t brush your teeth you notice. But I think if you start making your relationship a matter of routine, then you are heading to the land of I’m-bored-point-me-to-Second-Life.

No.2 Fear of being alone. I know this fear. We are more than acquainted and have in fact been in a long-term relationship! However the fear of being alone has helped me make numerous mistakes. So maybe it’s time to take the fear out of oneness.

No. 3 Not having any other financial support base. While this is probably the hardest situation, it is not impossible. What with so many networks, programs and educational outlets, the days of having to rely on one person should be slowly working their way to being over. There’s a difference between getting assistance and being completely dependent.

No. 4 The kids. A very common reason. I have worked with young children before and they aren’t stupid. They know when something is up and will more likely rather you break up than stay together for them just so they can see you fighting or being distant with one another.

No. 5 is love. Very important reason by the way. But notice I didn’t say “in love.” I’m no relationship guru by no stretch of the imagination but being “in love” I feel is the key to a lasting, happy relationship. Sometimes just loving the person isn’t enough. Ask anyone who has cheated on their spouse. They will always say they love them. But do they ever say the are in love with them?

It’s OK to start a new life with yourself, by yourself. There are certain risks you can afford. Seeking a better way to live is certainly one of them.

I don’t fit that box

Is it because in this world of everyone having to fit in a category, that when you don’t, it just makes it that much harder for you to connect to someone else? Seems that even if you find another person “not in the box” along with you, the dynamic gets so volatile that you just end up not meshing.

For example: You go after (and pretty much settle for) a simpleton because you aren’t as simple, all the while thinking opposites attract. If this is your method (and maybe it’s just me that tried this out) you are completely delusional about your results. This effort is not productive either. Turns out you are too complicated, ending up needing more communication and connection than your simpleton counterpart.

So now what?

You decide you go on chemistry.com. Or eharmony.com (which I would never recommend because of how narrow-minded it is) because you are thinking that if you take a special test to find another person who also scored the same way on his or her special test, you may have finally cracked the code.

But what you end up doing is asking more questions than finding answers.

A.) You rethink spending hard-earned payola to find a “possible” soul mate.
B.) You ask, “Why is it that only three people match my special test?”
C.) What has become of the regular way people meet when so many sites exist keeping you in the house?

Stop and reevaluate why you are looking. I took a long and very hard look as to why I was and realized that many of the reasons were not good enough. Only one truly defines a somewhat valid reason why we look: The want of being in love and to give that kind of love to one person.

To border on the line of sap, if that kind of love in supposed to be a part of your life, it will come. And when the opportunities arrise, grab them! Now. If I can just believe that! Until then, realizing why you look can be a big part of accepting being single at this moment. Are they realistic? Are they genuine. Are they about what that person can do for you or are they even remotely about love at all?