My best friend’s wedding

I wasn’t there for it.
Actually it was really a Justice of the Peace thing and she plans to have a real ceremony sometime later in the year. I really hope she does because I feel like a rite of passage has now come and gone without my witnessing it. The day we both thought I would see first — marriage. It’s a rite of passage not because of her being a new bride but because the two of us, now in our third decade of life, had a pact to be there for one another for things such as this.

I wanted to be there for her. But I couldn’t. She lives a few states away and our schedules are impossible. It’s weird considering her a wife now. It was also weird at first seeing her as a mother but when she had her son I saw she was born to be one. Now that she has added wife to her title, that’s one that will take some adjusting. I remember all our talks about marriage, dating…how men “just didn’t get it.”

Now she’s wed. And she is the last of my close friends to take this leap. I wish her well but wonder how long it will take before it might just bother me — being the last. Maybe it already does? Maybe it doesn’t matter. I can keep up the most brave face I can possibly muster, and convince myself that I’m still OK with being single. But I waver. I am also just human.

Marriage keeps rearing its ugly head

No matter how hard I try to fight it, I’m approaching 31 as of 49 days from now, give or take some hours. And the fact remains, to be over 30 and not ever married makes you a marked woman. When men approach this age and are never married, we tend to just shrug it off as a guy who is still “sewing his oats” or got so career-minded he seemed to have forgot to find a great gal and marry her. When women get to this point, we tend to shake our head, label her and decide she must be damaged goods. You may be sitting there  in absolute disagreement but don’t deny it. Women in there 30s still single, never married, seems to be an oddity in concept but surely increasing in numbers.

Being a photographer, I know find myself always surrounded in weddings. I love to shoot them. They are beautiful and the girly-girl in me gets kind of goofy in all the flutter and tulle. But for some reason, while I’m shooting, I don’t really get emotional about the vows and the rings and the words…words…words…That’s all they are until you get home and spend about seven years with the person. Then I wonder do people remember those words they said in front of family, friends, random plus ones and our God of many names.

So far I’m pretty much the last of my old-school friends who isn’t married, engaged or practically married and I will admit it feels kind of weird. I’m not sure what I really see in a marriage other than the fact that two people can coexist with each other, support each other and keep a 50/50 playing field. I always imagined a marriage for myself as one where the two of us play hard, work hard and if we go to bed angry, we wake up having the makeup. That’s probably very unrealistic because it’s so simple and nothing is simple.

Self-discovery isn’t overrated. I feel we all need time alone to even know what the hell we want or even who in the world we are. Sometimes that takes a while. And sometimes when you find all of that, your life can hit a reset button and you start all over again. The question is, do we do alone?

‘About Me’ rewrite…

What a year. I’ve reedited my About Me for the last time (minus the possible change of times, dates, past tense). The fact that I’ve done so more than once this year is quite telling of my journey of singledom and acceptance. If you are new here, read it. If you are a kind of regular reader, get more acquainted with it and get back to me. Did you notice anything different?

Is being alone all that bad?

I have been slacking on this blog. But not so much when it comes to commenting on previous posts here, namely the ones about today’s negative belief in women. Just look at the most popular posts on the right of the page and you will see they have to do with Tom Leykis. But not really just about him –  this new (ish) view of marriage, women and feminism. It’s all very stimulating and I find the male responses to be more than a little insightful –  it’s very exciting in a sad/interesting/enlightening way. And the more that I read into what these men are saying, the more I keep asking myself: Is being alone all that bad?

When did all of this relationship stuff get so damn complicated? When did we become enemies of ourselves and of each other’s sex? What happens to a world filled with people who pretty much say, “I can do bad all by myself” or “I’m much better off alone”? I’ve become one of those people — reluctantly I guess. I realize now that I will probably be alone but I don’t cry about it. Ask me 10 years ago and I would have thought it was the end of the world. Instead I see it as another hurdle I need to face, overcome and move on — mainly because I see even more now that men in general don’t seem to see/want the same things I do. And if they do, nine times out of ten they are married. And they may only seem to go my direction because they are looking for some diversity and I don’t mean race/culture. I mean distractions from reality — their own private Idaho they don’t always want to come home to.

Being that I’m not the type to go after a married man, but tend to be apathetic at the wrong times, this just means I get to let them vent. I’m always left wondering, “How did THEY get there?” I have yet to see what the big deal about marriage is! So far all I’ve learned from other people’s marriages is that freedom is sweet. And that I’m lucky not to have to worry about kids because nine times out of ten an unhappy marriage stays together for the kids’ sake. How sad! Who wants to live like that?

Ultimately, or usually, people who date long-term turn to each other after an average of about three years and ask, “Now what?” Planning that wedding becomes the answer and believe me, I’ve been guilty of that. I’ve been engaged twice. And I guess I’ve always just figured I failed. But maybe I escaped? Maybe I’m just free to live the life I should and would have never had if I was shackled and knocked up.

So: Is being along all that bad? And is it just a reflection of our bitterness toward each other as human beings? OK: Woman got too independent. Men stop needing us for anything more than sex. These are statements I’ve ACTUALLY heard. What do you think?

Do women need men for safety?

That may seem like a very pre-feminist movement question. A resounding “What a ludicrous question!” can be heard at this very moment from the tops of every fem-movement mountain top as I type this.

But given the acceptance of not really seeing anyone and also being a new homeowner, I have started to ponder this conundrum. Did I feel safer knowing I was living around men in apartments than I do living next door to other single women? Unfortunately, yes. And I’m a bit ashamed to admit it. Granted, the people I’m surround by are very alert. Plus I’m not sure it’s more of a thing that with apartments you are surrounded by others than it really being about living next to men. One thing I can safely admit is that even with an alarm system, a neighbor with a dog, my own alert behavior when coming home later at night, I still wonder if I would feel more at ease with a man around.

So what do you do when you don’t have one around? You man up. You stay cautious in addition to help your neighbors out and they will in turn help you. But I still am scratching my head on how safe that makes me feel. Many feminists (if they aren’t anti-gun activists) “man up” with a gun, a notion I have thought about often but never found myself in the way of a real gun owner. And isn’t that terrible? I say “man up” and associate that with a deadly weapon. The two are not connected necessarily but see how I made that connection? We at times marry masculinity with violence and quite possibly that is another reason I’m reverting to June Cleaver a little bit with this topic. And it is obviously ironic in that I’m asking the question of the correlation of safety and having a guy around but making note that violence can also be attributed to the male species. What a quandary. I’m a victim of old ideals meshing with new thought and a change in lifestyle.

But I sincerely would like your opinon.

My gut gets more action than I do…

Probed. Groped. Felt up. Gawked at. Those actions have been a constant for my stomach and may I say that so much more attention is being paid to that fleshy part of my body than anywhere else. No, this isn’t the result of some crazy fetish, but is a true account of someone who is battling tummy trouble. It has been the key reason (along with my new home ownership) why I haven’t been over here much these past several weeks. I have been enduring constant pain and have gone completely organic as a result. And can I tell you, I never thought I would be so granola in my entire life? Even in cleaning products…

I also partially, if not nearly completely, blame my illness as the reason why I ran off the last guy I was seeing. (No major loss, mind you). He was a real peach for a few weeks after I hit the height of my problems. But when they never went away, I think that it was too much. Which leads me to ruling out feature No. 1 in relationships: If sickness becomes more than health, and your spouse can’t cope, run, lightly jog, or wheel your wheelchair far, far away. I should have known better that a “budding” relationship could not handle it when the other party was too self-absorbed to come along for the bumpy ride.

One thing I have learned from this whole ordeal is the true importance of family. Not long ago I absolutely was ready to pack my bags and risk everything to be in another town, doing something else. But because I have been recently down for the count, my parents have been there, by my side at every step of the way. I can’t imagine being away from them. So now I’ve decided to stay here — commited to Dallas, Texas for the moment but clearly immune (or vacinated) from really wanting a commitment to another person. Oh, have I not mentioned that yet? I feel like I may have backed into a needle pumped full of anti-boy. I just can’t get myself into the thought of wanting to pick up the dating bridle again, geared up and ready for that saddle — which is perfectly fine with me.

But is that normal? To be OK with not ever really wanting to be in a relationship with another person again? Or is it just a phase? Good thing I like the one I have with myself, again, perfectly fine with me. Self-absorption is great when it’s not in tandem!

Like marriage but without the hassle…

I’ve committed myself completely to being a recent homeowner. And like many people who thrive on relationships with another person, I got what I was looking for, am trying to find ways to change it and am sinking hard-earned dough into it. In my eyes, that’s about the same as getting hitched only my home is mine and mine alone whereas a significant other means sharing. Call it selfish but that’s paradise in my book because the commitment I face is to my advantage and when things go wrong, I will fix them without the house groaning at me while trying to improve it. The house has no say on how I dress it up, make it bend to my tastes and desires. The house will surround me as oppose to smother. It will help me build memories to last a lifetime without having to deal with it’s inlaws.

Ok, I realize a house can’t really replace a man but I what I’m saying is that it doesn’t matter and it’s time that 30-year-old single women out there realize that even if you aren’t Carrie Bradshaw,  your days spent being unattached doesn’t have to be painstaking and a downer every time you pass a hand-holding couple or if you go to yet ANOTHER wedding. Our accomplishments have just as much tread and milestone-worthy panache as the average invitation-worthy announcement.

What I seem to keep learning, and even more so as 30 will soon be 31, is the real successes in life are the ones that don’t involve trying to make yourself whole by grasping at what you THINK you need by a certain time-frame. I include tick-tock biological clocks and marriage-frenzied singles in this category. You have to embrace your own accomplishments and hell yes, sometimes that is plenty to keep you warm at night. The real question is if you don’t grab what you think is your “ideal” life which hinges on another person to make your happiness, isn’t it time to find your own?

How to get over someone in a hurry…

I’m not playing the jilted gal role to the fullest *insert sarcasm.* I figured some guidance was in order to further my process. And we all know that we must learn from those who have gone to battle for you in order to gain more knowledge and a thicker skin. And of course be more prepared for the pitfalls life has in store.  So here you go, folks. My how-tos on getting over someone – fast.

1. Blog. Blog. And then when you are done blogging, blog more. Sometimes some really great people have nice things to say about what you have written. And you get the occasional funny advice from the peanut gallery. Here’s my favorite. Hint: Read the first comment.
2. Become a regular over in the meetup scene. I was a naysayer at first, but so far the events have been a load of fun, I get to meet new people who make me laugh and I found myself smiling more. Plus your social calendar is ALWAYS full.
3. Be a class act about the rejection. That doesn’t mean that you can’t dish how you REALLY feel over at your personal blog, but just be sure any emails or texts are seething with very matter-of-fact realization that you know it’s over and you will live another day. (Addendum: However, don’t be surprised if the counter reaction from your ex is twice as impersonal than the one you sent.)



4. Make sure you put everything in a box and let them know they will be receiving all their stuff in the mail. Don’t wait longer than a week to do it. Follow through is important here. It’s a cleansing folks. But make sure to sell ANYTHING you really can’t use or doesn’t fit that they bought you. However, keep photos…memories tucked away in a box in the garage can be endearing or at least worth pulling out to laugh later which brings me to No. 5.
5. Make sure you are a real cheeky git and put a photo in the box you are mailing off of the two of you together with a note like, “thought you might still want this” or “this is how I always remeber us.” You may not really mean it (and they may think you have lost it), but if you know your mate is a real masturbater, it will just make you feel good knowing that your face will still be there until someone else wants to bother coming along, and putting up with their crap. Or at the very least, you laugh to yourself that he/she will worry that you may stalk them.
6. Be confident at work about the breakup. Attention cubicle dwellers: It is nearly impossible to cover up a breakup in your office environment. Just suck it up and make sure you let your coworkers know that she/he smelled like pee or something silly so everyone laughs it off and goes back to typing.
7. Get on myspace for grins. Myspace is killer for grins especially if you have some funny people on your list who have something fun to say. OK. Just swallow that pride. Myspace has it’s benefits.
8. TAKE LOTS OF PHOTOS OF YOURSELF. Especially if you are feeling extra cute that day. Every moment you embrace your greatness, is yet another moment you forget that not-so great moment when you decided to let your guard down.
9. Spend more time with your pet and your garden. Yea. This sounds cheesy but nine times out of ten both got kind of neglected if you were busy wasting your time with the wrong guy/girl. They will thank you for it — especially your bitchy cat who didn’t like him/her in the first place.
10. Clean up your place: This means linens, throw pillows — anything that has your ex’s leftover scent. Wouldn’t hurt to spray a little disinfectant on everything as well. Throw everything you can in the wash.

And there you have it. If you have done these ten things, within about two weeks of the break, you will probably forget your ex’s name. Or at the very least, better your life.

And I’m back!

That didn’t take long. I’m single once again. But I have a little more insight as to how to get over someone in a hurry because let’s face it, it has to be like pulling off a band-aid and holding your hand over the wound to taper down the sting. Look out for those how-tos later.

Below are some things I can tell you if you WANT to get rid of someone…(even if you really didn’t WANT to).

1. Get very sick and not be as fun anymore. Even if you can’t help that you are sick and have been diagnosed with disease.

2. Express that you no longer feel important in your mate’s life.

3. Tell your mate that you were planning on buying tickets to their favorite performer just for them to tell you that they are pretty sure they will have to work that week. *breathe a sigh of relief that you didn’t buy them before asking*

So that’s really it. Your significant other won’t call you for a week. And so you send one text message to your mate expressing that you have caught the hint and just like that it’s over. Your mate will probably not text or call back. Even if you have had day surgery and they didn’t even wish you well.

It hurts but you will pull yourself back together because afterall, Single IS the new relationship.

Me and Barry…

Tricked ya. I’m not really dating a guy named Barry. I scored some free tickets from my favorite local radio station and I am confessing right now that I actually went to a Barry Manilow concert last night. When in doubt — go to a concert, I always say. Well, I really don’t say that, but you just never know who you may see there. I went with another single friend who loves Manilow. And may I add that I saw a good crop of good-looking lads — too bad they were looking at each other. Read more…

It’s long distance: Where is it going?

I’ve had a bit of luck on eHarmony, surprisingly enough. The catch? I’m chatting up a few folks that are nowhere near where I live. My question is, where does such a thing start heading? I’ve never really been in this situation. Does this mean if we fall in love and then figure out who moves where, only to have it not last long enough to even finish out an apartment lease? I guess it’s good just to have someone to talk to, right? But what if more develops.

My best friend is currently seriously involved with a guy in the U.K. And it turns out he may even live here in the states after he visits her in April. I’m happy for her but I’m worried too — where is such a leap headed? In her case she is on a more committed route whereas I’m just chit-chatting with a few nice chaps. She has a son involved. I’ve got an ornery cat.

The weirdness of eHarmony is you either draw out a big net or a tiny one. If you do the latter, you aren’t going to dig up many fish. But if you send out a massive net, meaning you selected on your profile that distance doesn’t matter, you have more opportunity to score, so to speak. The main goal being a real relationship, I would assume, however achieving that is already difficult. If you compound that with distance then you have even more a dilemma.

I know I’m using a lot of fishing/water references lately but here’s another one: I’m just going to hang out on the dock and see what happens. Wait. That didn’t come out right…

Get out the dinghy

I recently received an email from a very old friend. We were quite the pair in middle school and high school. Now she’s married, a teacher and has two beautiful girls. One of which was the topic of her email. Her youngest is in a cutest baby contest hosted by a photographer in the area and she wanted everyone to vote. The picture is adorable — her little girl is dressed in pink feathers and wearing a sweet smile. This friend of mine is one of many who have “taken the plunge” while I’m pretty much coasting, drifting and kind of drowning!

I don’t really have that itch. You know the one. That baby itch everyone tells me I’m going to get or should already be getting now that I’m 30. I love kids but I’m not just dying to have one, which is a good thing since I’m thinking I’ve got to kind of land a real relationship first! In fact, I’m OK with not having one. But when I get these emails, you know the ones — a slideshow of what so and so’s kids did adorably on camera, the trip the family took to the nearest amusement park— that’s when I let out a dreamy sigh. I’m happy for them all but I wonder what they must think of me. Do they think my life not as fulfilled since I’ve made the decision not to have a family? Do they silently “tisk, tisk” me as I go yet another year unwed? Bottom line: I don’t really care but will admit I wonder what they think.

My speed-dating experience…CAUGHT ON CAMERA!

So as promised, here is the link to my speed-dating video.

The ridiculousness irony of speed-dating: You have nearly five minutes to make a connection with a stranger but SOOO much can come out of that little time. It’s genius really. But kind of tough too.

Last week Hurry Date was a real gem and let me check out the art that is speed-dating at Lower Greenville’s Stout. I met up with some great guys. They seemed to dig me…

But as is the world of dating, when I took my little scorecard home of my “yes” and “no” matches to plug into the Hurry Date online matching system, only three matched equally with me. I suppose that’s not bad considering that I kind of said yes to most of the guys just to throw my coin in the “eh, you never know” fountain. I’ve contacted one. Haven’t really heard from him yet. Maybe it’s because he didn’t like my wrinkled dress. But it’s early still. I’ll keep you posted.One thing is for sure though. There is no accounting for taste in the jungle that is finding a mate. While taking a little restroom break after my dates, I heard other female daters responses. Let’s just say they weren’t going home with a scorecard full of little circles around their “Y” responses. As me and the team’s assistant editor left the speed-dating establishment, it was those same girls chatting it up with some really unaware guys!Got any ideas for me to survive Valentine’s Day??

Dating — on speed

What does a video camera, a guy who doesn’t know about chemistry and Kermit the Frog have in common? They were all part of my exciting speed dating experiment last night at Stout on Lower Greenville in Dallas — courtesy of Hurry Date.

I walked into the bar a little apprehensive but curious. My ssistant editor came out with me to document my speed-dating process. Which was pretty funny considering that while we were waiting for everything to start, about two random Hurry-Daters came over and hit on her big time. Let’s just say she wasn’t all that flattered. She quickly switched one of her rings from the right hand to the left ring-finger to ward off any evil spirits…

When the time came that I got to sit down with these guys, one guy in particular stood out like a sore thumb. He was also one of the guys eyeing Aly like fresh meat on a slab from a far. I won’t go into detail but he was, well, let’s just say interesting. When he asked me what I looked for right away in a connection with a guy, I said something along the lines of “chemistry.”

“What really is chemistry, anyway?” He seemed to ask in a possibly innocent attempt to sound prolific. Hum…I’ll just leave it at that…

During this process everyone is marked with a number they put on their name tags. And you also have a “scorecard.” This is basically where you check “Y” for yes and “N” for no in accordance to the numbers. And during this process of getting to know these guys in all of nearly five-minutes a piece, I start to lose my already failing voice. I must have sounded like across between Kathleen Turner and Kermit the Frog…

At the end of the night, I took my little scorecard and filled out all my “yes” and “no” responses to each guy on Hurry Date’s matching system. You have to wait 24 hours to see who also said yes to you. Seven hours and counting…

I would get into more detail here, but you will just have to wait until the “results show” as they say in reality television lingo and stay tuned to the upcoming video of this loveless “Eligible Editor.”

*insert pity-party inspired long, drawn out sigh here*

Is it asking too much to be able to spell?

My latest match. Would you like to know what he is most thankful for?

Patience

Well that’s nice.

For having lovely family

Well isn’t that sweet? But I think he may have meant loving.

Helath

Yes ladies and gents. Helath. Which I can only guess means health.

Guess where he likes to spend his leisure time? The library and the book store. Did you just spit out your favorite beverage after reading that? Well I did. I’ve got water all over my keyboard. Pass down the paper towels.

Oh and I forgot. He also likes…

workout,watching movies.palying raquet ball, play golf,watching any sport

I cut and pasted that as it is written. And yes. He said palying raquet ball. This must be some new kind of sport. Haven’t you heard?

Man. Am I asking for too much here? At least hit the spell check.

Match found…

Seeing those words in the subject line of my email used to give me a little bit of excitement. I would quickly head on over to see who this mystery guy might be. Now I yawn and say, “These four months can’t end quick enough” and check my account every other day instead of instantly. In the long line of new things I’m trying this year to get back into the dating world, online dating sites are unfortunately on my list. Right now they are kind of on another list that rhymes with quit.

If you check the comments of people on this blog, you will see a few of them credit eHarmony for finding their “special someone.” One of which claims to not be a plant for the popular online dating site.

There are other things that go along with your subscription — the repeat emails. They all seem to say the same thing: Stick this out and we promise you a husband. The buggers lure you with their uplifting speech. They make it all sound like you aren’t making a monetary mistake going with them instead of the other guys. Stuff like this:

Dear Jenice,

Your eHarmony experience is important to us. It’s also important that you understand how eHarmony works and why our process has helped so many people.

If you don’t have a match at this point in your eHarmony membership, this is because we haven’t yet found someone who is a terrific fit for you. But take heart: our system is always automatically searching for matches for you, and over 10,000 people are joining eHarmony each day.

I’m so glad they told me that. Now all of a sudden I have “hope.”

Vaccinate for V-Day

It may be a little early, but I’m starting to cook up Anti-Valentine inspiration. It’s really cheesy but hey, can’t say it isn’t a little fun. Or maybe you can. Anyway, I’m making more this week. I have one coming up that will have a syringe on it. It’s just silly but you never know what singles you may have to buy for this February. The divorce rate spikes after Christmas.

Women can not live without drama…

So there I was. Prime ready for my first event with this singles women’s group. It’s tonight and I’m still going, but yesterday was an odd flurry of emails from this one particluar woman who didn’t seem to have read not only the description of the co-ed pajama party but it also seems she didn’t read the description of the group itself.

She was upset because the pajama party was going to have boys over (it’s not really a sleepover by the way) and said that it never was stated anywhere in the emails or the event info. Not true. She just didn’t put on her reading glasses.

She sent out the most bitchy email to everyone:

Trying something new in pajamas

My first meet-up event is this weekend. It’s a co-ed pajama party. “What?!” you might say? Yep. A co-ed pajama party but I’m very sure it’s not as kinky as it sounds. And it isn’t an over-nighter unless people get too bombed to drive home. It really seems like this group of single women in Dallas have a great rapport with one another and are career-minded, smart and witty. I’m looking forward to it because I can only hope the same type of guys hang around them — I hope anyway. Either way, it will be a way to meet new people.

As life trudges along friendships fade away, people move away and people get married away. Every so often it is good to put yourself out there and see what new faces you can place in your life. I’ll keep you posted…

Complain and you sometimes receive

I called the online dating gods this morning and they ended up giving me another month free because I’m kind of disappointed so far. They actually have 24-hour service. Go figure. I guess they have to spend time talking people of ledges or something. I’ve always been a little impatient but that’s no excuse for what that service has scrounged up for me since signing up! So far I’ve received matches who decided that taking a picture with shorts on and no shirt, spread out all Farrah Fawcett style on their couch was a good idea. Some photos look like they were discovered in a pile of rubble that was the early disco era. Some just say silly things like, “I can’t live without my television.” And one guy said, “I’d rather not say,” when he closed me as a match. Hey. I’m cute! Right? Gee whiz.

The military guy on eHarmony pretty much shut me out even though he initiated the communication. I noticed after I answered his questions and sent him my own, he kept updating his profile but never answered my questions. How rude! So I decided to close the match. C’est la vie. I’ll live because he’s down in San Diego anyway and I wasn’t all that interested. Just wanted to broaden my horizons.

 

This will be a year of experimenting. I’ve joined a few groups from Meetup.com: A single chick one, a poetry one and museum one. There are several events going on from each of them this month. I’ll keep you updated as well as post stories and/or photos from each event. They are spread out all over the metroplex and I feel like exploring. I will also take on speed dating on Jan. 23. There should be a video of it too so you can laugh at/with me while I put myself out there.

My “ah geez” moment…

I’m glad I didn’t swear on a stack of Bibles. Wait. I’m agnostic anyway…

What I’m getting at is that I thought I would NEVER pay to play. But I promised myself that this year, after a few months of self-reflection, it’s time to get back into the game. I was very naive to think that just going along in my daily life something would just happen. I did that for half a decade. Though I know that people meet by chance all the time, I’m just not finding myself in situations that it can logically happen. I mean half of my days are spent behind a desk surrounded by women and married men. The other half out in the community I cover and not taking time to really see what’s around me. A little of it spent at a bar or two. Nothing stellar there.

when you least expect it…

Bullshit. That’s not a bitter bullshit coming out of my typing fingers. That’s more like I’ve-fallen-for-this-line-for-five-years bullshit. I think you have to stir up the pot and see what shakes out. This time I’ve decided even though I hate every minute of it, I’m going through with this experiment: Three months each with dating sites, getting together in a few meet-ups and doing a little speed dating. I need a little more spice in my life even if it’s nasty old spice. Gives me something to jot down. And maybe I’ll get some good (safe) nookie in the process. We’ll see…

I’ve dated myself enough. Pampered myself enough. Finally know who I am. Isn’t it time to add another centered person in my life? Or at least someone to buy the popcorn at the movies.

Fending for yourself…

Yesterday a friend from work and I went to the lake by my apartment and walked. I took along my camera as I always do when I walk the lake. Usually alone. My friend had recently discovered the lake and fell in love with the area. She’s not really from here and I guess one day she just went driving, got out and walked…

Anyway this trek of ours wasn’t supposed to be that long. We both decided that before she came to my apartment. As we walked, we yapped about work of course. Where we wanted to be next year. And I snapped a lot of pics. Before we knew it I guess it may have been about 45 minutes and we looked around. I asked her if she wanted to turn back but by the look of her face and my frowned brow we both decided we were too curious and walked some more. However, we were headed nowhere near my apartment.

Happy New Year and may it not beat me over the head like the last

I’ve made 10 resolutions. Here are two of them.

5. Get over the things I can’t change. That’s a big one.

6. Make myself more available when it comes to sparking new relationships. It’s time I’ve found grown up events and places (i.e. not bars) to frequent to nab me a man…

No. 5 means two things. Either I try to change things. Or I just let it go. And by the looks of No. 6, I’ve decided to change things. So far my time on a “popular” dating Web site has churned up a guy who looks like a 1970s uglier throwback to Huggy Bear and a potentially unemployed “entrepreneur.” The outlook doesn’t look very shiny. But it should be an interesting year. And I’m kind of ready to try a different route. I think I’m ready.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Or whatever other holidays you celebrate at the moment. I have had my first awkward holiday party moment. I’m sitting next to the family dog at the company Christmas party. The jokester of the office says, “Look, you found a date!”

HO. HO. HO.

Preoccupation

I’m quite good at it.

I recently had a reception celebrating my first solo photography exhibit. The show is up until Jan. 8. Here are some pics from last weekend…

What is this? Could that be my father actually smiling? Yes it is. That’s also a sigh of relief that the show was up and didn’t have any major problems. I don’t have many photos here but it says enough I suppose. People came and went and I look as if I’m about to spew my wine out of my mouth in that last shot! I think my friend was saying something funny.

Please feel free to get some of your holiday items from my site. All of the purchasable prints can also be postcards and we all know you can’t have enough of those? If you do purchase stuff, you will keep that smile on my father’s face…

Because the holidays are fast approaching, I may not be on here much (just an FYI for all of my 10 readers!) but will pop in from time to time to update you on any holiday awkward singleness…

Marriage is not the reason for life itself

That concept is surely something most would say that they agree with, but do we really as a society? They also happen to be the words of Alabama resident Rhea Jill Paul.

Rhea was kind enough for me to interview her about this obsession our society, especially in the South, has with marriage.

“Being born into a strict religious family in the South, I was inundated with the message that my purpose in life was to grow up, go to college, and get married,” she said. “This in fact was the pivotal factor in deciding which college to attend after graduating from high school.”

Rhea is 34 and has never been married. At 17 she began her adult studies at a private religious college. However it wasn’t the books and courses that weighed heavy on her mind — it was the constant questions from her mother of whether or not she met someone. And it wasn’t just her family applying the pressure. It was also her community.

“Because of the tremendous expectations to marry all throughout my life, when I did not find someone that was even almost suitable to have a long term relationship with, it devastated me,” she said. “That was in my twenties.”

Ring finger aware

The next installment of Let’s Talk  is coming later (quite later) today tonight. Turns out I discovered how to actually relax and didn’t do all the blogging I thought I would. But I did manage to make a few social calls…

First up was something called a Pink Party — no guys allowed — and all proceeds went to a mom who overcame breast cancer but still has the outrageous medical fees. What a great reason to break out the jello shots and banter. It was also nice to see the host again. I haven’t hung out with her in nearly a year now. I took a friend from work and we didn’t know a soul. After a few cocktails though that didn’t seem to matter as much because the food was yummy and the company was decent enough. Though a party without boys is something I would normally run from — like the wind!

I did notice something while I was there. After a few conversations with married women, I noticed myself scanning the room to see who else may have been married or otherwise betrothed in some way and showed evidence of that on left-hand ring fingers. I normally do that in a room full of men and for obvious reasons. But this was probably the first time I’ve done such in a room full of women. Because I guess it was the first time I was really sizing myself up with other chicks that could have been my age. I scanned each face, checked for the age in them. Were they my age? Older? When did they take this plunge of marriage? Why did they? More importantly why did I care? Just goes to show, as if to see what kind of lawn your neighbor is grooming, the same can be said for social engagements. I didn’t spend much time talking to everyone there and left before midnight. But I will say that most of the women were wearing a ring on that hand — all ages present. I will never really know if the lack of bare fingers were for accessorizing or were statements of commitment. I was however quite aware (more than usual) that mine was quite naked.

Next stop was an old haunt I have always enjoyed. I met up with a friend of mine from high school. She has always been very independent from men. Fought them even. But while visiting with her I discovered she is moving in with a guy she’s been seeing for almost a year. My initial reaction was shock. She never struck me as the commitment type. But there she was telling me about their first connection with each other and the whole “the rest is history” bit. All the while I was thinking: She of all people? The whole commitment thing? I never asked what held her back before but being her friend I can only imagine that most of the guys just didn’t add up until this one. And that is how I hope it worked for her. It could also be because she is reaching THAT age. The same age I’m soon to face before she even does. And we ain’t getting any younger. I could pretend that all that doesn’t really matter but sometimes it does. It just depends on how you decide to deal with it. Hopefully in her case it’s for an opportunity for a good relationship and not fear of being alone. I didn’t ask all the reasons –  not my business really. But I should have because I just have to know what changed her mind about such things. Unless such things were always a part of her character — and I just didn’t know it.

The “right” (air quotes implied) person doesn’t exactly exist, as I’ve mentioned before. However the wrong ones are ever so present and make themselves known to us more often than the less wrong ones! And even though us single folks out there may have more options in the wrong category, it doesn’t mean we need to take the wrong ones just to not be alone. Which is so easy to do when you aren’t exactly looking. And all you are really seeing is how many people around you are no longer by themselves.

Five singledom questions I keep asking myself…

I’m the only person I know that will actually spend some of her very short upcoming vacation catching up on blogging. That’s the plan come the end of this week. That’s either kind of sad or just being way too dedicated to sharing thoughts on a computer. But I happen to have my next interviewee  lined up. I find her to be a little bit of a mystery and yet the answers she gave to my questions seemed to reveal more than I expected. And Ms. Single Mama  said I can interview her as well. Stay tuned…

Some things have been running through my mind today about perspectives of single people and I’ve got a few questions to the masses. Feel free to be as candid as possible. Blunt as you want. Detailed as you feel.

1. How old is too old to be single? Is there such thing?

2. Are women more alone than men?

3. What are the most common places to meet people other than the bar?

4. Why are people so set on being married?

5. Should people be less picky?

These are all questions I’ve asked myself at some point. The answers keep changing. So what do you think?

Winter fever

It’s true. If a woman wants to get laid, all she need do is breath in the direction of a guy she’s got her eye on and the deal is sealed. I don’t have hard facts or articles to link to this so don’t look for some. Eh. It just is…

So when I started drooling over John Edwards, I knew that something was starting to turn seriously awry. I must need to get laid. I will say that as of late I haven’t really thought about it thoroughly really. I don’t wake up every day craving it. Needing it. Wondering about it. It’s just that I usually know when what I call winter fever starts to hit. To me it’s worse than spring fever. That time of year never affected me. No, it’s those times of year when it’s all cold outside and you want to get all toasty inside. The season of building intimate fires to keep warm and cream liquor flowing in glass tumblers. I think John is only the peak before the crescendo.  The last time this happened, well…Anyway.

I’ve changed so much since my winters of yesteryear. Casual sex and I will never cross paths again — I don’t think. Well all I know is that I still fear all the risks. Is it goofy to wait for “love?” Yes. It surely is. Maybe waiting for “not the guy I just met” is more feasible in today’s times.  I do believe putting my health first before whims of emotion or desire. And I choose to put my worth ahead of choosing a brief encounter. It took so very long to realize it wasn’t worth it.

So what now?

Well, thank the goddess for reoccupation after all…

Should you have to pay to play?

What happened to fate and chance? Oh yea, it got lost somewhere between our grab-a-quick-latte-rushing-to-work-meetings-working-weekends-running-errands-you-get-the-idea way of life. Times (as they have the habit of doing) have really changed and online dating companies make millions (if not more) on the busy single folks.  Want to know how much? Well me too. I’ll admit my limited research didn’t turn up much more than something about Yahoo! and it’s profits so far.

But consider these prices from Consumer Search:

$30 per month (est.) for Match.com

$50 per month (est.) for Chemistry.com

$60 per month (est. though you can get discount codes) for eHarmony

And consider that singles are on the rise according to the U.S. Census.

 92 million
Number of unmarried and single Americans 18 and older in 2006. This group comprised 42 percent of all U.S. residents 18 and older.

Combine the two and you know there’s a goldmine. Just Google the phrase “online dating sites” you will see tons of links on how to start your own. Preying on the unattached is now a very profitable business showing no signs of slowing down anytime soon. But why should we have to pay to meet someone?

Just because it’s on sale, you don’t have to buy it

Those words of wisdom came from The Loudmouth Protestant, one of my readers at my other blog.  I’ve got to thank LMP for her stating that phrase I’m using in the title of this post.

It was in response to a post I wrote about the burden of when someone in your past wants back in your life. And what you should do about it. As this saying obviously says, you are shopping and see something on sale and available — but do you need it?

This may seem like a quite pedestrian comparison, but I like it and it makes sense. There are so many romantics out there and I’m sure you are groaning at such a metaphor. Hey, sometimes you just need a good metaphor!I think when you are single, it can just get tempting to go back to the familiar — someone who you once had a relationship. But I say be careful on your shopping excursion. Does the outfit fit at all? Does it compliment the rest of your wardrobe? It may be on sale now, but why didn’t you purchase it before if it was a true ”must have?” Are you buying it just because you need something new and not because you need it? Sure it’s not perfect, but does it even suite you? Once you have pondered all that, the answer will probably become clearer for you. It did for me. And just because many people would choose being a couple over being confidently single, doesn’t mean you have to go snatch up the first sight of a potential reunion. Be careful and look at it with the eyes of “is this something I need in my life?”

That said, there’s nothing wrong with browsing, trying on and looking at your potential purchase in the mirror. But before you take out your heart and risk the purchase, be sure. And don’t be afraid of the alternative — being uncommitted to the excursion all together and going home without anything on your arm. It just leaves room for more opportunity at another time.

How not to respond to being single

Not finding your other half…

Yep. It’s tough sometimes. But don’t let society tell you that you HAVE another half. It just makes it sound like you weren’t a whole person to begin with, which is the worse kind of outlook. When I realized this…living with singledom was a lot simpler. I’m not saying that it still isn’t wonderful to have another person in your life. But he or she shouldn’t complete you. They should compliment you.

 

Why are you staying together?

Do you really know?

I’ve had met countless people who don’t seem all that crazy about their marriage or long-term relationship. The fights are more often than the love. The incessant acceptance but secret loathing of what the other does in the relationship continues. The mind wanders to straying in all forms of what that entails. And the physical, emotional and mental distance leaves an imprint on their hearts. I speak naively of course, I’m not in a relationship. But some of those factors are why I’m not! Why do people stay together in such circumstances?

I’ve observed a few things that can possibly explain:

No. 1 and probably the most common reason is habit. Those are so hard to break as we all know but we aren’t talking about nail-biting here. Many times I’ve heard that it just becomes routine. Like getting up and brushing your teeth. The day you don’t brush your teeth you notice. But I think if you start making your relationship a matter of routine, then you are heading to the land of I’m-bored-point-me-to-Second-Life.

No.2 Fear of being alone. I know this fear. We are more than acquainted and have in fact been in a long-term relationship! However the fear of being alone has helped me make numerous mistakes. So maybe it’s time to take the fear out of oneness.

No. 3 Not having any other financial support base. While this is probably the hardest situation, it is not impossible. What with so many networks, programs and educational outlets, the days of having to rely on one person should be slowly working their way to being over. There’s a difference between getting assistance and being completely dependent.

No. 4 The kids. A very common reason. I have worked with young children before and they aren’t stupid. They know when something is up and will more likely rather you break up than stay together for them just so they can see you fighting or being distant with one another.

No. 5 is love. Very important reason by the way. But notice I didn’t say “in love.” I’m no relationship guru by no stretch of the imagination but being “in love” I feel is the key to a lasting, happy relationship. Sometimes just loving the person isn’t enough. Ask anyone who has cheated on their spouse. They will always say they love them. But do they ever say the are in love with them?

It’s OK to start a new life with yourself, by yourself. There are certain risks you can afford. Seeking a better way to live is certainly one of them.

I don’t fit that box

Is it because in this world of everyone having to fit in a category, that when you don’t, it just makes it that much harder for you to connect to someone else? Seems that even if you find another person “not in the box” along with you, the dynamic gets so volatile that you just end up not meshing.

For example: You go after (and pretty much settle for) a simpleton because you aren’t as simple, all the while thinking opposites attract. If this is your method (and maybe it’s just me that tried this out) you are completely delusional about your results. This effort is not productive either. Turns out you are too complicated, ending up needing more communication and connection than your simpleton counterpart.

So now what?

You decide you go on chemistry.com. Or eharmony.com (which I would never recommend because of how narrow-minded it is) because you are thinking that if you take a special test to find another person who also scored the same way on his or her special test, you may have finally cracked the code.

But what you end up doing is asking more questions than finding answers.

A.) You rethink spending hard-earned payola to find a “possible” soul mate.
B.) You ask, “Why is it that only three people match my special test?”
C.) What has become of the regular way people meet when so many sites exist keeping you in the house?

Stop and reevaluate why you are looking. I took a long and very hard look as to why I was and realized that many of the reasons were not good enough. Only one truly defines a somewhat valid reason why we look: The want of being in love and to give that kind of love to one person.

To border on the line of sap, if that kind of love in supposed to be a part of your life, it will come. And when the opportunities arrise, grab them! Now. If I can just believe that! Until then, realizing why you look can be a big part of accepting being single at this moment. Are they realistic? Are they genuine. Are they about what that person can do for you or are they even remotely about love at all?

Smashing the single woman stereotype

Single women are not generally unhappy.

However if someone were to ask me three months ago if I was terribly unhappy being single, I would have only half-way raised my hand. I say half-way because terribly unhappy is an exaggeration. A little unhappy was a realization. But if you asked me today, I would say I was finally content. That resolve didn’t happen overnight nor was it an easy road. However if you are an unhappy single woman, consider this: In a January Talk of the Nation segment, the following was discussed.

For what may be the first time, 51 percent of American women are living without a husband. And single women are more socially connected, economically stable, and happier than ever before.

This is no coincidence. Women are just getting stronger by the minute and realizing they don’t need a husband to survive. They are making their own way through life and finally putting rest the old fashioned idea of needing a significant other. Those statements aren’t my proclamation of a feminist movement. It is just fact. In my company alone there are several women who have just been promoted passed the glass ceiling and are continuing to whack the hell out of it. Even though some of them are married, they were the driven type of individuals who were well on their path of success. If they weren’t married, they could still stand on their own two feet.

As for me, the timing of my own contentment coincided with several self-realizations.

A.) I finally accepted my place in my career.

B.) I began venturing out in several avenues of self-improvement.

C.) I stopped beating myself up about marking SINGLE on those annoying little boxes on various paperwork.

Being single isn’t a fault. It isn’t something to appologize for when people around you may shake their heads and ask, “What’s so great about being single?”

From BaltAmour writer Maryann James.

I was out with two of my friends the other night, one (Friend 1) who is going through a break-up and another (Friend 2) who is still fighting a fake-up, when Friend 1 asked us, “What’s so great about being single?”

There was silence at the table. Then, being the swinging single I am, I responded, “Because you’re free! You don’t have to answer to anyone! You can be your own person!”

Which is partly true, and partly a lie. When you’re in a relationship, you can still be your own person. (In fact, I’d say it’s better when you are.) The only difference between being single and taken is that when you’re single, you can afford to be selfish and have some measure of all-about-me focus, because, well, it is only you.

Someone tell me, what is really all that sad about that?!