My best friend’s wedding

I wasn’t there for it.
Actually it was really a Justice of the Peace thing and she plans to have a real ceremony sometime later in the year. I really hope she does because I feel like a rite of passage has now come and gone without my witnessing it. The day we both thought I would see first — marriage. It’s a rite of passage not because of her being a new bride but because the two of us, now in our third decade of life, had a pact to be there for one another for things such as this.

I wanted to be there for her. But I couldn’t. She lives a few states away and our schedules are impossible. It’s weird considering her a wife now. It was also weird at first seeing her as a mother but when she had her son I saw she was born to be one. Now that she has added wife to her title, that’s one that will take some adjusting. I remember all our talks about marriage, dating…how men “just didn’t get it.”

Now she’s wed. And she is the last of my close friends to take this leap. I wish her well but wonder how long it will take before it might just bother me — being the last. Maybe it already does? Maybe it doesn’t matter. I can keep up the most brave face I can possibly muster, and convince myself that I’m still OK with being single. But I waver. I am also just human.

Marriage keeps rearing its ugly head

No matter how hard I try to fight it, I’m approaching 31 as of 49 days from now, give or take some hours. And the fact remains, to be over 30 and not ever married makes you a marked woman. When men approach this age and are never married, we tend to just shrug it off as a guy who is still “sewing his oats” or got so career-minded he seemed to have forgot to find a great gal and marry her. When women get to this point, we tend to shake our head, label her and decide she must be damaged goods. You may be sitting there  in absolute disagreement but don’t deny it. Women in there 30s still single, never married, seems to be an oddity in concept but surely increasing in numbers.

Being a photographer, I know find myself always surrounded in weddings. I love to shoot them. They are beautiful and the girly-girl in me gets kind of goofy in all the flutter and tulle. But for some reason, while I’m shooting, I don’t really get emotional about the vows and the rings and the words…words…words…That’s all they are until you get home and spend about seven years with the person. Then I wonder do people remember those words they said in front of family, friends, random plus ones and our God of many names.

So far I’m pretty much the last of my old-school friends who isn’t married, engaged or practically married and I will admit it feels kind of weird. I’m not sure what I really see in a marriage other than the fact that two people can coexist with each other, support each other and keep a 50/50 playing field. I always imagined a marriage for myself as one where the two of us play hard, work hard and if we go to bed angry, we wake up having the makeup. That’s probably very unrealistic because it’s so simple and nothing is simple.

Self-discovery isn’t overrated. I feel we all need time alone to even know what the hell we want or even who in the world we are. Sometimes that takes a while. And sometimes when you find all of that, your life can hit a reset button and you start all over again. The question is, do we do alone?

‘About Me’ rewrite…

What a year. I’ve reedited my About Me for the last time (minus the possible change of times, dates, past tense). The fact that I’ve done so more than once this year is quite telling of my journey of singledom and acceptance. If you are new here, read it. If you are a kind of regular reader, get more acquainted with it and get back to me. Did you notice anything different?

Is being alone all that bad?

I have been slacking on this blog. But not so much when it comes to commenting on previous posts here, namely the ones about today’s negative belief in women. Just look at the most popular posts on the right of the page and you will see they have to do with Tom Leykis. But not really just about him –  this new (ish) view of marriage, women and feminism. It’s all very stimulating and I find the male responses to be more than a little insightful –  it’s very exciting in a sad/interesting/enlightening way. And the more that I read into what these men are saying, the more I keep asking myself: Is being alone all that bad?

When did all of this relationship stuff get so damn complicated? When did we become enemies of ourselves and of each other’s sex? What happens to a world filled with people who pretty much say, “I can do bad all by myself” or “I’m much better off alone”? I’ve become one of those people — reluctantly I guess. I realize now that I will probably be alone but I don’t cry about it. Ask me 10 years ago and I would have thought it was the end of the world. Instead I see it as another hurdle I need to face, overcome and move on — mainly because I see even more now that men in general don’t seem to see/want the same things I do. And if they do, nine times out of ten they are married. And they may only seem to go my direction because they are looking for some diversity and I don’t mean race/culture. I mean distractions from reality — their own private Idaho they don’t always want to come home to.

Being that I’m not the type to go after a married man, but tend to be apathetic at the wrong times, this just means I get to let them vent. I’m always left wondering, “How did THEY get there?” I have yet to see what the big deal about marriage is! So far all I’ve learned from other people’s marriages is that freedom is sweet. And that I’m lucky not to have to worry about kids because nine times out of ten an unhappy marriage stays together for the kids’ sake. How sad! Who wants to live like that?

Ultimately, or usually, people who date long-term turn to each other after an average of about three years and ask, “Now what?” Planning that wedding becomes the answer and believe me, I’ve been guilty of that. I’ve been engaged twice. And I guess I’ve always just figured I failed. But maybe I escaped? Maybe I’m just free to live the life I should and would have never had if I was shackled and knocked up.

So: Is being along all that bad? And is it just a reflection of our bitterness toward each other as human beings? OK: Woman got too independent. Men stop needing us for anything more than sex. These are statements I’ve ACTUALLY heard. What do you think?

How Tom Leykis makes those millions…

Radio shock jock Tom Leykis has found the right formula to make sure he keeps himself bathing in millions –  just the perfect amount of guidance, relatable anecdotes for the “average” guy who can’t stand his current relationship but needs help out of it and more than a dash of painting women as whores. Like I’ve said before, I listen. Do I listen all day? No. For all I know someone has called in and blasted my ass on the air for even daring question Tom’s motives. However, his show usually catches me at drive-time home from my JOB by the way. Did I not mention. I do have one. Something that Leykis would probably be surprised about since he believes the average woman is on welfare and just waiting to bait a man with pregnancy in order to be taken care of — something I would jump off a cliff before EVER letting happen. I find myself, no matter how awful some of the things he says, turning up my radio, sometimes laughing my butt off at the idiots who call in and at least once a week agreeing with Leykis — much to my dismay. In fact sometimes it makes me feel dirty when I do.

The reason I’m ranting is that my February post about Tom and the average guy has been gaining some steam lately. The last commenter made sure to lump me in the category of the kind of chick that Leykis talks about which is pretty funny considering a lot of the posts I’ve written here on this blog. But really, I can’t blame him. He obviously just Googled Tom Leykis, found my blog, and neglected to dig deeper. I’ve encountered and despise the kind of woman that fuels this hatred.  And it makes me sick that it ruins it for the rest of us. I’m not perfect but I’m sure no one is unless you ask faithful listeners who will say Leykis (or “Dad” as many fans call him) is perfection reincarnated from Jesus. But there are listeners who aren’t necessarily fundamentalists of “Dad.” Make sure to read Shaun’s comment over at the aforementioned post I wrote earlier this year. He makes a very reasonable point about Leykis being the result of the options and lifestyle of today’s male. I specifically like this point:

There is simply little incentive outside of cultural or religious pressures for young men to get married. The single life plays into men’s social and sexual tendencies as well, as males have always been satisfied as rogues in society, perfectly satisfied with mistresses and extra-marital affairs for centuries. In essence, I don’t think that Tom Leykis is an influence on modern male sociology as much as he is an open reflection of it.

That makes perfect sense, unfortunately. The world of today just doesn’t lend itself to a plausible reason for marriage…though I would argue that isn’t just in the case of men but women as well.

But I still have to drive home the point that we can’t lump everyone, even when the exceptions to the “rule” are few and far between. I’m sure there are times I wasn’t the most wonderful in my relationships — quite sure. But one thing I never expected out of them was to be tolerated as I sit on my rear, waiting to be doted over and not lifting a finger to help out in any way. That’s just not how I was brought up and I pride myself on my Independence and ability to look after myself. That said, I AM a woman –  but really, I don’t always roar. It has been said that Tom is the original feminist but even I (a real woman last I checked) have my moments of femininity because honestly I do have estrogen after all. Nothing I can do about that. And he makes it quite clear that the overbearing, non-feminine type of woman is to be avoided but the very thing that makes us so feminine can really at times be the very thing Tom shuns. I shutter to think at that conundrum.

I’m just fine in my skin — with or without a guy on my arm. And I think there are many women who feel the same. I just can’t seem to understand why the die-hard listeners can’t just see that Tom is what several people have noted in my February post — an entertainer. But the younger generation that listens to him is where I have often scratched my head. On one hand, I love what Tom tells them because it pretty much means that they will never want to even think about getting married too young or knocking up some less-than-ready-to-be-a-mom teen or being just plain careless. But on the other, those impressionable men are going to grow up hating women, just use them to get laid and then running like hell (or force an abortion) when/if the woman gets pregnant. And while I agree with the madness, I don’t like the method.

Once upon a time, I did the Leykis 101 bit before I even listened or knew who the hell he was. I didn’t go ANYWHERE without my favorite, well let’s just say protection. I got what I wanted, when I wanted it, every time I wanted it but at SOME point, don’t you have to grow up and figure out another way to exist without seeing people as a depository for sexual release and non-emotional attachments? And that doesn’t necessarily mean getting married or starting a family or even being serious with someone all of the time just to feel validated. It just means respecting yourself, and yes, I will say it…respecting others. What a f-ing concept.

A relationship lesson: Avoid the Idealizer

It never occurred to me but I seem to have been in a real pattern of dating the same kind of guy. It surprisingly wasn’t that apparent until I recently received a comment from a fellow single blogger named Elsie. She was discussing the type of guy she has come across time and time again: The Idealizer.

It is a word that surely should have a place in the dictionary with photographs of my last three “serious” relationships. Their common thread is always the same: surround you in gifts, have dreamy ideals of what the relationship is or should be or WILL be before you have even hit six months into it and when the expectations aren’t perfect, they bolt.

Here is a snippet of Elsie’s observations of such a gem:

“I’m just making inferences here, but this guy sounds like what I call an idealizer, that seeming Prince Charming who showers you with attention until you’re hooked (usually lasts no longer than three months), then rapidly loses interest when reality sets in…I will say this, though: I’ve come to believe that men like that don’t want a real relationship. They want the excitement of romance and all that comes with it. It’s not that they’re ‘just not that into you.” They’re ‘just not that into’ anybody!”

I kind of started looking back at my laundry list of men. And she was quite right. All of them started and ended about the same — way too fast. It kind of gets to be a sticky situation…like quicksand or something.

I am not known to be a very patient kind of gal, I will admit, but I can say most of my past guys have rushed things when there really wasn’t a reason to hit the finish line at record pace. I remember trying to put the brakes on and the insisting began, I gave way and then tried my best not to look back when the relationship faltered as a result.

It is truly a lesson learned and by the third round, I should know better the next time. I’ll know what to look out for — at least I hope. And if you are a single girl like me, I want to give you a list of what to be aware of before you get too serious with one of these idealizer chaps.

1. Don’t give in to presents too quickly in the relationship. Believe me, it’s nice and all, but shoes can’t comfort you in times of need. Wait. That’s not right. Some shoes kind of can…

2. Don’t do the “get away” too quickly. I have learned a lot from my Vegas saga and realized that places like Vegas will still be around, with our without a guy to take me!

3. Early talk of how great you are is wonderful. But if you have only been dating two weeks and he talks to you like you have roped the moon, RED ALERT.

4. In that same turn, if he needs constant validation, realize that is not your job. There is a time and place for everything, but if you have to constantly validate there is doom ahead. And really, isn’t validation at every turn to be left at your job and not your relationship? That kind of pressure should not be a part of a couple!

5. Steer clear for the super-ambitious guy. Life is short. It’s wonderful to have a guy with drive, but if he’s trying to tackle 10 things at once in the name of fame/glory/power/reputation, you can’t possibly fit in that equation.

I’m no expert. But more than 10 years (ah geez) of this, I should have learned something by now, right?!

Putting it all out there…

I work in a field where the more you relate to your audience, the more successful you are. I have always been an open person. And I’m quite sure I’m a bit too open in fact. I turned this “asset” of mine into a gimmick at work with something called “The Eligible Editor.” Just Google it. There isn’t a lot there (I was only doing it a few months) but you will see a few videos of my adventures and misadventures finding a mate. The final video so far features the guy I was seeing. That is what I’m getting at. Now that I have put so much of myself out there involving my job, it kind of feels weird going on with it. I mean I spent a week writing about my four days in Vegas with my ex. And right after that, I was writing about how we are no longer together. It’s different over at this blog for some reason. And I can be a lot less censored.

Anyway now that I’m single again, I may pick the Eligible series back up. But at the same time I’m a little gun shy. This time if I find someone, I still need to keep up a good front for the sake of show. However I had always felt that the point of the series was to eventually end it with dating someone seriously. Now I kind of feel like that isn’t as fun or as interesting. Don’t people love the self-deprecation of reality television? If so, I should never get the guy in the end unless I’m in the third season of The Bachelorette or something and even then those things don’t work out.

You know how when you start watching a bad movie that grows on you and you just have to see how it all ends? Well that is how I feel about being extremely open on the Web. And for some reason I know I will keep doing this until the directer in my head yells cut.

 

How to get over someone in a hurry…

I’m not playing the jilted gal role to the fullest *insert sarcasm.* I figured some guidance was in order to further my process. And we all know that we must learn from those who have gone to battle for you in order to gain more knowledge and a thicker skin. And of course be more prepared for the pitfalls life has in store.  So here you go, folks. My how-tos on getting over someone – fast.

1. Blog. Blog. And then when you are done blogging, blog more. Sometimes some really great people have nice things to say about what you have written. And you get the occasional funny advice from the peanut gallery. Here’s my favorite. Hint: Read the first comment.
2. Become a regular over in the meetup scene. I was a naysayer at first, but so far the events have been a load of fun, I get to meet new people who make me laugh and I found myself smiling more. Plus your social calendar is ALWAYS full.
3. Be a class act about the rejection. That doesn’t mean that you can’t dish how you REALLY feel over at your personal blog, but just be sure any emails or texts are seething with very matter-of-fact realization that you know it’s over and you will live another day. (Addendum: However, don’t be surprised if the counter reaction from your ex is twice as impersonal than the one you sent.)



4. Make sure you put everything in a box and let them know they will be receiving all their stuff in the mail. Don’t wait longer than a week to do it. Follow through is important here. It’s a cleansing folks. But make sure to sell ANYTHING you really can’t use or doesn’t fit that they bought you. However, keep photos…memories tucked away in a box in the garage can be endearing or at least worth pulling out to laugh later which brings me to No. 5.
5. Make sure you are a real cheeky git and put a photo in the box you are mailing off of the two of you together with a note like, “thought you might still want this” or “this is how I always remeber us.” You may not really mean it (and they may think you have lost it), but if you know your mate is a real masturbater, it will just make you feel good knowing that your face will still be there until someone else wants to bother coming along, and putting up with their crap. Or at the very least, you laugh to yourself that he/she will worry that you may stalk them.
6. Be confident at work about the breakup. Attention cubicle dwellers: It is nearly impossible to cover up a breakup in your office environment. Just suck it up and make sure you let your coworkers know that she/he smelled like pee or something silly so everyone laughs it off and goes back to typing.
7. Get on myspace for grins. Myspace is killer for grins especially if you have some funny people on your list who have something fun to say. OK. Just swallow that pride. Myspace has it’s benefits.
8. TAKE LOTS OF PHOTOS OF YOURSELF. Especially if you are feeling extra cute that day. Every moment you embrace your greatness, is yet another moment you forget that not-so great moment when you decided to let your guard down.
9. Spend more time with your pet and your garden. Yea. This sounds cheesy but nine times out of ten both got kind of neglected if you were busy wasting your time with the wrong guy/girl. They will thank you for it — especially your bitchy cat who didn’t like him/her in the first place.
10. Clean up your place: This means linens, throw pillows — anything that has your ex’s leftover scent. Wouldn’t hurt to spray a little disinfectant on everything as well. Throw everything you can in the wash.

And there you have it. If you have done these ten things, within about two weeks of the break, you will probably forget your ex’s name. Or at the very least, better your life.

I’ve been here before…

Just came home from a night out. I started at Razoos with a cool meetup group I’m still a member of followed by all of us gathering to watch the Sex and the City movie (for some reason, that movie really made me want to take photos in my semi-cocktail dress) and ended the night with drinks at Sherlock’s. Now I know I’m not supposed to be drinking but my colonoscopy isn’t until Monday so I’ve got Sunday to cleanse and nearly die. But tonight was about not caring. I find it too difficult to stay home. Especially when I know that I could be missing out on something. But this is a familiar scene.

I thought relationships were supposed to keep me away from the singles snafu. All it seems to be doing lately is drawing me back to it. And even then, I’m kind of foreign to the protocol just by sheer age. Yea, yea…30 isn’t old. However, it’s old enough to know better.

On a side note: Do see Sex. It’s a great flick although I was kind of disappointed with the ending. If you are die-hard fans, you will know why I was. If you aren’t, you will just say, “eh, it was supposed to end like that.”

OK. Wait. So does that mean I’m single?

It’s been almost three months with the guy I’m seeing and he pretty much has all the qualities I look for in a guy. Sense of humor and all that yadda, yadda. But one of the qualities I really dig in a guy this dude has in buckets and buckets full which leaves me scratching my head as to what the hell the relationship is in reality. What is that ocean-full quality that has inspired this post? Well it’s ambition, folks. Good old fashion over-achievement, high ideals and self-serving success. I enjoy a bit of ambition and I think I have quite a bit of it. Of course that is if I can get my head out of my ass long enough to really get where I need to be by now. I’m doing OK but I could do much, much better — so I get it. I get the whole ambition racket and all the trappings it can have. However, this characteristic can easily be a four-letter word (technically eight) just as it can be admired in a person. In this case with my boyfriend (?) I’m smack in the middle. I should be happy to know that I’m not dating a couch potato but we have a committed relationship in which I’m pretty much in fifth place on his priority list. I would say the whole “he’s just not that into you” but I think it’s more like “he’s that into you, but into other things first.”

I’m not going to get into all of his aspirations because that isn’t really the point. What is the point is while he is trying to acquire all of his dreams, and apparently I may  be one of them, I don’t really spend what I consider quality time with him. This is quite funny now that I think of it because before it was all about how I felt a bit smothered in the first three weeks of the courtship. It’s still early yet, but I’ve met the family and had the whole vacation test with him.

So why does it feel like I don’t have a boyfriend? I mean I could literally put myself back out there as a single woman, and I am afraid to say that I would actually feel that I was one. What makes it even more complicated is that coming to the conclusion of being more positive about being unattached means that while distance makes the heart grow fonder, it also makes the heart go a bit stagnant and start having wanderlust. He has told me I’m important to him. But so are documents that have to be signed to complete a transaction.

Am I a bad person or is this a situation you have been in yourself? Please share.

I’m not single…now what?

I started this blog. Single as hell. Now I’m not. But I’m not so convinced that I will be married this time next year so I don’t want to kill this blog yet. Until then, I have a Let’s Talk lined up that I’m working on.  I interviewed a very pleasant young lady who squashes the stereotype of being a divorced woman. Look for it soon.

But what should this blog be in transition. I don’t think I have any authority to give advice. As you can read in the post before this one, I’m relationship stupid. But I can definitely give advice on changing your situation. I was surely a naysayer about ever getting back into relationship land. When I finally did, I pretty much mess up at every turn. Not sure I can tell you what to do once you are there, but I can surely help you into getting there in the first place. Should that be the direction of this blog along with interviews of single folks? You tell me. That is, if anyone is still reading. If not, my other blog a writer doding bullets seems much more popular.

Ah, self-deprecation.

Relationship stupid…

I’m back and kind of to my old self again. If you want to get the skinny on what happened to me over the last few weeks, read it here. Anyway, now that I’m back, I realize that when I started this blog I really had the right idea. Single truly is the new relationship and for the beginning of 2008, I began to have a new relationship with myself and tracked my journey here.  I learned to love myself more. Figure myself out more. And I know that may sound quite sappy to some of you but it isn’t as easy as it seems. It’s not like I’m so completely together right now to not look in the mirror sometimes and say, “Ugh” at myself when I think about all my mistakes so far.

But what I did do was stop obsessing negatively about being single.  I had my bouts of instanity while going through my single reevaluation process, and I am sure some of you have read them here. But overall I believe my mission was accoplished. And maybe a bit too well. Because you see, now I am in a relationship. Who knows for how long but it’s the first in five years. Five. Long. Years. And now that I am in a relationship, I don’t know crap about what I’m doing. I’ve so far pissed this man off so many times I’m surprised we are hitting the three-month mark soon.  I will say he’s not without his own flaws that piss me off but that isn’t the nugget of this point. Here is the list of things I’ve done and some of them you surely shouldn’t do.

• Request the “single” status be removed from his myspace. OK. I know this is juvenile but just let me discuss it in a future post.
• Not being intimate enough when it comes to certain things. I tend to have a guy approach to stuff. I’m not big on fourplay and so what comes off as somewhat pedestrian or not sensitive is really my wanting to cut to the movie and just skip the previews.
• I don’t pat on the back enough. I am a supportive women when it comes to my man but I guess I’m not so good at the validating bit. But should I be? That’s a silly question because I think at times I also need validation. Don’t we all? See. It’s a vicious circle.
• I like to “argue.” To me the best thing in the world for a relationship is making sure the significant other knows when I am not happy with something, or he should tell me when he is not happy with something and in my book that should be an immediate action. that way it doesn’t happen again, an understanding is reached and you don’t sit on your feelings – just ready to explode later. Some call this arguing. I call it discussing.

I’m sure there’s more but you get the point. So much focusing on me has made me miss the bigger picture of what happens when it’s no longer just me. However, if and when I am no longer attached, I will bounce back better knowing that I was more sure of myself now than I ever was before. And that, my friends, is why I don’t regret a thing about my process. And single will always be the one relationship you have to count on because, really, when it comes down to it, if you are alone you don’t have a choice but to count on yourself.

 

How soon is too soon for the first date trip?

As you can see, I’ve become that annoying person who is entirely too busy with work, life and now a boyfriend. I’ve always hated people like that. Those who just couldn’t find the time to hang just because they are dating. But I’ve got a really good reason — it’s been five years. Five long years without a viable relationship and I don’t have any qualms telling you all that it’s been that long. So when something of an improvement comes along that is leaps and bounds better than the half-asses that usually come knocking, it’s kind of hard not to get distracted. I will say though: It’s not like my social calendar has been completely disrupted. I don’t seem to get constant texts or phone calls from people vying for my attention other than work so I guess what I’m really neglecting is this here blog. Sorry about that (all five of you reading…)

So here’s the latest. Next week I may possibly be heading up to Vegas with the new guy. I say possibly because I tend to have the weirdest luck and I wouldn’t be surprised if something truly ridiculous happened to hinder my going. Like maybe a freak accident or I get kidnapped or something. And given that Vegas has been the place that in the last few months EVERYONE around me seems to have gone, it just seems unfathomable that I am actually going.

Anyway, we have been dating for about a month. And let me tell you; it doesn’t feel that short and that’s not a bad thing. So I just feel comfortable enough to take this little trip. And let’s face it. How often does one get to go to Vegas? Scratch that question if you are a frequent traveler. But those of you who don’t get to satisfy that wanderlust, as is my situation, the idea is mouth-watering. And it doesn’t hurt that I will be traveling with someone I care about. Here’s my question, though: Given all the “rules” that maybe we shouldn’t invest too much in anyway, is a month kind of soon for a date trip?  You should know that the tickets are already bought so even if you happen to throw up your red stop signs and flags, I’m still going unless we experience a plague of locusts or pigs suddenly sprout wings and escape their slaughterhouse doom. However I do always value your opinions! And I’m pretty happy that being single that long, and finally examining myself, helped me to be confident enough to give this all a chance. 

Does the average man think like Tom Leykis?

Don’t date single mothers. Don’t spend more than 40 bucks on a date or better yet — find a way not to spend anything at all. Don’t get married. These are all common demands that spew from the highly-popular radio talk show host Tom Leykis. And obviously I listen because that is why I know he says these things on a daily basis. There is no denying listening to this man is like trying to turn away from a pink elephant prancing down the street which is so ridiculous that you can’t help but find yourself laughing. It doesn’t happen all the time, but he has some fairly provocative points somewhere in all of his muck which sometimes I’m ashamed that I agree with to a degree.I also listen because I want a better pulse on what the average guy is thinking and what they are doing when it comes to relationships.

If the reality is anything like the advice of Leykis, good luck. Admittedly this guy has been divorced so many times he almost rivals Elizabeth Taylor. And he makes no qualms that his seven figure paycheck keeps him plenty happy without the trappings of a woman wanting a relationship. But his male listeners are followers and because of his popularity, you may very well find yourself being a victim of the sheer a-woman-is-nothing-more-than-a-way-to-get-my-kicks mentality. I think we all want to believe we have grown from the caveman mindset. Maybe we have since 1950 but if we don’t look out, these types of stereotypes of women will grow. And many times it is other women who ruin it for the next chick.

I don’t get the “no sex” part…

I have spent quite a bit of time lately talking to people who are coupled up. And nine times out of ten I hear the same thing:

“He doesn’t want to have sex anymore…”

WHAT? Even as I type (on vacation) I have The View on in the other room and they have some expert on talking about the main reason for lack of sex in a marriage is because men don’t have the desire anymore. Don’t you all remember when they used to blame it on us?! Now it seems that the men need lots of motivation.  He even mentioned how many men stop the sex train the night of the honeymoon!

I can’t really relate. I’m speaking from the side of a chick who has never been married. But I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with no sex involved. I know it’s overrated. I know it doesn’t make the whole relationship. However what tends to happen in sexless marriages is the obvious –cheating. Things happen. People start feeling less sexy, less desirable. What do you do to fix all that though? What do you do to rekindle THAT flame? No really. I’m asking YOU.

Because here’s how I see it: I’m obviously looking to eventually be married. But what’s to look forward to when all I hear is the lack of sex that goes on once the commitment is made? That is kind of discouraging.

You don’t have to be from Baltimore

I am a regular reader over at BaltAmour. It is a singles/relationship blog by Baltimore Sun copy editor, Maryann James. I’m a Texas chick but it’s pretty cool hearing what another city’s take is on living and loving in today’s life and times.

She’s a great read. And I’m happy to announce I’ve made her blogroll!

Why are we so hung up about race?

 I posted the following on my other blog. But I wanted to share it with the readers here and see your thoughts. This is such an old topic–interracial dating. But it seems that the concerns are still very present in our society. My question to you is “Why?”

I gotta tell you; I’ve not had any slowing down of my old post about interracial dating. It still gets a fair amount of hits. This isn’t a call for all of you jokesters to start finding more weird search engine terms to get to this blog and then for me to write about them. But for some reason I get on a daily basis at least a dozen search engine terms looking for a variety of topics surrounding black women and white men dating. And lately Jewish men dating black women. WTF? Is this really THAT taboo still? I’ve dated the rainbow, as I’ve told you before, and I just never really saw dating a white man a big deal. Does the rest of society?

I will be honest though. I’m thinking the resurgence of this topic is because of the opposite happening: black men and white women. I’m not going to do some census search on this but I’m just thinking about my every day life in Texas. I see an increasing number of black men and white women coupled up. I don’t have a problem with this but I can only imagine that the two left are looking at each other, shrugging and saying, “Well, why don’t we?”

That said though, there is still so much hesitation. Believe me. White men dating black women isn’t very common here. Not sure about your area of the world. I really dig shows like “Private Practice” that treat interracial connections as something that isn’t a matter of discussion. The main discussion on that show is that the lead black female character has to choose between two men — a black one she was married to and a white one who loves her so much that is the only reason he works in the office. Race isn’t an issue. I can’t stand shows that make that the MAIN issue. The tired old story of “what will my parents think?” Aren’t we over this yet? I just don’t get it.

So for those of you searching to see if this is some “strange” concept, stop. Just go with it. Ask that black chick out. Ask that white dude out. Enjoy Hanukkah with that chocolate hottie…

WTF are you waiting for?

Getting back in the game?

I get some interesting search engine terms that people plug in to get to this blog. One of them had to do with “dating again.” Well it made me think about an old post I wrote in a prior blog. It’s not a very old post and yet I’ve changed my thought process about getting back into the game. Mainly the part about finding a mate being a goal. Here it is word for word.

What’s funny about finally getting back into the game is right after you lose a round, you want to keep on punching. It’s like you get a boost or something and you say, “Wow, I guess I’m not entirely dead after all.” You say this to yourself as you start really looking again. But sometimes you feel like you don’t want to bother with all that dating crap anymore. Then you think, “Well it [finally functioning as a "normal" member of the dating community] happened before, maybe it can happen again.”
Vicious and nauseating cycle.
Maybe not all of us have this problem…(I’m guessing maybe it’s just weirdos like me) but after a certain age you start seeing this as desperate. However there is just something inside a person who wants to reach a goal that keeps them thirsty.
People say that you shouldn’t look for a mate. You should just go about your normal routine and let fate take its course. They always say that “when you least expect it, you will find the one you may be with the rest of your life.”
I tend to find these assumptions to be bologna. True, this happens. But so do those stupid connections you went out of your way to make.
Sometimes if you meet someone by chance, it can be exhilarating.
Sometimes so much so things fizzle.
Ah but when you’ve sought after it, it feels like a hunt, fight to the finish and what can be more satisfying than knowing you accomplished your mission?
Who am I kidding though? All of this is generally exhausting.
Are arranged marriages THAT bad?
 

Yes. They can be!

I think some of what I wrote still sticks with me. Especially the part of just “letting things happen.” I don’t think that is the way to obtain your “goal” of a relationship. But I think what has to change is your ideas about what your goal is and why you have that goal. And trying too hard is more than just a little pathetic. Since writing that post I think I’ve decided I’d rather not make a relationship a goal but instead realize it’s some kind of icing on a cake I don’t really need to eat but am curious about what kind it is, what it tastes like…and am kind of in the mood for! And I’ve officially stopped looking.

Marriage is not the reason for life itself

That concept is surely something most would say that they agree with, but do we really as a society? They also happen to be the words of Alabama resident Rhea Jill Paul.

Rhea was kind enough for me to interview her about this obsession our society, especially in the South, has with marriage.

“Being born into a strict religious family in the South, I was inundated with the message that my purpose in life was to grow up, go to college, and get married,” she said. “This in fact was the pivotal factor in deciding which college to attend after graduating from high school.”

Rhea is 34 and has never been married. At 17 she began her adult studies at a private religious college. However it wasn’t the books and courses that weighed heavy on her mind — it was the constant questions from her mother of whether or not she met someone. And it wasn’t just her family applying the pressure. It was also her community.

“Because of the tremendous expectations to marry all throughout my life, when I did not find someone that was even almost suitable to have a long term relationship with, it devastated me,” she said. “That was in my twenties.”

Ring finger aware

The next installment of Let’s Talk  is coming later (quite later) today tonight. Turns out I discovered how to actually relax and didn’t do all the blogging I thought I would. But I did manage to make a few social calls…

First up was something called a Pink Party — no guys allowed — and all proceeds went to a mom who overcame breast cancer but still has the outrageous medical fees. What a great reason to break out the jello shots and banter. It was also nice to see the host again. I haven’t hung out with her in nearly a year now. I took a friend from work and we didn’t know a soul. After a few cocktails though that didn’t seem to matter as much because the food was yummy and the company was decent enough. Though a party without boys is something I would normally run from — like the wind!

I did notice something while I was there. After a few conversations with married women, I noticed myself scanning the room to see who else may have been married or otherwise betrothed in some way and showed evidence of that on left-hand ring fingers. I normally do that in a room full of men and for obvious reasons. But this was probably the first time I’ve done such in a room full of women. Because I guess it was the first time I was really sizing myself up with other chicks that could have been my age. I scanned each face, checked for the age in them. Were they my age? Older? When did they take this plunge of marriage? Why did they? More importantly why did I care? Just goes to show, as if to see what kind of lawn your neighbor is grooming, the same can be said for social engagements. I didn’t spend much time talking to everyone there and left before midnight. But I will say that most of the women were wearing a ring on that hand — all ages present. I will never really know if the lack of bare fingers were for accessorizing or were statements of commitment. I was however quite aware (more than usual) that mine was quite naked.

Next stop was an old haunt I have always enjoyed. I met up with a friend of mine from high school. She has always been very independent from men. Fought them even. But while visiting with her I discovered she is moving in with a guy she’s been seeing for almost a year. My initial reaction was shock. She never struck me as the commitment type. But there she was telling me about their first connection with each other and the whole “the rest is history” bit. All the while I was thinking: She of all people? The whole commitment thing? I never asked what held her back before but being her friend I can only imagine that most of the guys just didn’t add up until this one. And that is how I hope it worked for her. It could also be because she is reaching THAT age. The same age I’m soon to face before she even does. And we ain’t getting any younger. I could pretend that all that doesn’t really matter but sometimes it does. It just depends on how you decide to deal with it. Hopefully in her case it’s for an opportunity for a good relationship and not fear of being alone. I didn’t ask all the reasons –  not my business really. But I should have because I just have to know what changed her mind about such things. Unless such things were always a part of her character — and I just didn’t know it.

The “right” (air quotes implied) person doesn’t exactly exist, as I’ve mentioned before. However the wrong ones are ever so present and make themselves known to us more often than the less wrong ones! And even though us single folks out there may have more options in the wrong category, it doesn’t mean we need to take the wrong ones just to not be alone. Which is so easy to do when you aren’t exactly looking. And all you are really seeing is how many people around you are no longer by themselves.

The difference between selfish and focused…

As my previous post suggested, I’m kind of busy. So much so I haven’t even been dating me, myself and I. When I realized that, I pondered for a minute wondering if those who come across this blog find this “single is the new relationship” concept an act of selfishness, narcissistic.

I do kid myself a bit in my about page — I realize and even admit it’s all a bit egocentric. But some of the idea of embracing such an attitude comes from what I mentioned before — being busy. I spend so much of my day pleasing (or trying to please) others. And before I can really enjoy a relationship and say, “Gee, I’m ready to please YET ONE MORE PERSON in my life…”  I’ve had to shake myself silly and ask, “What about me?” Isn’t it time to please yourself? And I don’t mean that as dirty — unless that’s your kind of thing.

I don’t find that selfish when I give so much of myself to others and wonder where I fit in. Having a career, I guess I asked for this. All the while trying to stay focused on not just me personally and how I fit in this world, but on me emotionally. Maybe some of you can relate? So searching out other perspectives of being single, the benefits of being so, I came across this. Yes, yes. Another AskMen.com entry! I found an “article” listing the top 10 benefits of being single, here was number 2.

You can focus on your career

Life is a juggling act in which you have to keep the many elements aloft, paying equal attention to each one. But if you let one drop, you can channel your forces to the remaining parts. In the absence of a relationship, you’ll have much more time to devote to your work. You can put in those extra hours on a project to impress your boss, and even take on something else. And you don’t have to worry about sacrificing your love life, as you’ll be single and vigorous.

But should I/we (those of you in my same boat) be reeling back a bit? Of course there were other benefits listed in the “article,” I only seemed to focus on this one. Because somewhere I have forgotten the other 9, and many of them, to me, missed the mark (like the one saying you are free from nagging — that’s kind of petty.) But number 2, that one I noticed. And I don’t think it’s always a good thing to be so work-filled.

The reality of a single dad

If everyone was forced to wear a T-shirt that begrudgingly boasted our relationship status ala Crimson Letter style, Greg Pierce’s would read: Divorced father of two. Single for seven and half years. However if allowed one caveat in this label hungry world, I would plaster So What? to the back of Greg’s shirt.

“The first misconception that comes to mind [about being single] is that all single people are miserable, lonely lost souls that live every day of their life looking for someone,” the 42-year-old said. “That just isn’t true in all cases. Not mine anyway.”

Greg is my first interviewee for “Let’s Talk.” He has been a resident of Houston for 18 years where he lives with his 13-year-old daughter Gabby. His oldest daughter Sara is 20 and out on her own. When asked if he would have done anything differently, he confidently said “no.”

“I’ve been pretty consistent in my life and I don’t think I could have done much else in the marriage to affect the outcome,” Greg said. “She determined that.”

His initial reaction to being divorced he said was a common one. One that begged disbelief — I can’t believe this is actually happening. Another misconception: it’s all the husband’s doing when a marriage falls apart.

Should you have to pay to play?

What happened to fate and chance? Oh yea, it got lost somewhere between our grab-a-quick-latte-rushing-to-work-meetings-working-weekends-running-errands-you-get-the-idea way of life. Times (as they have the habit of doing) have really changed and online dating companies make millions (if not more) on the busy single folks.  Want to know how much? Well me too. I’ll admit my limited research didn’t turn up much more than something about Yahoo! and it’s profits so far.

But consider these prices from Consumer Search:

$30 per month (est.) for Match.com

$50 per month (est.) for Chemistry.com

$60 per month (est. though you can get discount codes) for eHarmony

And consider that singles are on the rise according to the U.S. Census.

 92 million
Number of unmarried and single Americans 18 and older in 2006. This group comprised 42 percent of all U.S. residents 18 and older.

Combine the two and you know there’s a goldmine. Just Google the phrase “online dating sites” you will see tons of links on how to start your own. Preying on the unattached is now a very profitable business showing no signs of slowing down anytime soon. But why should we have to pay to meet someone?

Just because it’s on sale, you don’t have to buy it

Those words of wisdom came from The Loudmouth Protestant, one of my readers at my other blog.  I’ve got to thank LMP for her stating that phrase I’m using in the title of this post.

It was in response to a post I wrote about the burden of when someone in your past wants back in your life. And what you should do about it. As this saying obviously says, you are shopping and see something on sale and available — but do you need it?

This may seem like a quite pedestrian comparison, but I like it and it makes sense. There are so many romantics out there and I’m sure you are groaning at such a metaphor. Hey, sometimes you just need a good metaphor!I think when you are single, it can just get tempting to go back to the familiar — someone who you once had a relationship. But I say be careful on your shopping excursion. Does the outfit fit at all? Does it compliment the rest of your wardrobe? It may be on sale now, but why didn’t you purchase it before if it was a true ”must have?” Are you buying it just because you need something new and not because you need it? Sure it’s not perfect, but does it even suite you? Once you have pondered all that, the answer will probably become clearer for you. It did for me. And just because many people would choose being a couple over being confidently single, doesn’t mean you have to go snatch up the first sight of a potential reunion. Be careful and look at it with the eyes of “is this something I need in my life?”

That said, there’s nothing wrong with browsing, trying on and looking at your potential purchase in the mirror. But before you take out your heart and risk the purchase, be sure. And don’t be afraid of the alternative — being uncommitted to the excursion all together and going home without anything on your arm. It just leaves room for more opportunity at another time.

Don’t fool yourself: There is no Mr./Miss Right

But there is Mr./Miss I Hope I Will Be Able to Stand You This Time Next Year.  Mr./Miss Well At Least You Are Better Than My Last One. And  Mr./Miss At Least You Don’t Snore. Of course I’m being a little facetious but let’s get real. This may not be a news flash, but Mr./Miss Right does not exist. So let’s stop looking for them. Don’t sit here and read this and say you don’t or didn’t. I think everyone can admit that at some point we have all searched out the unattainable “right.” Even though we all know it isn’t possible, I think there is a part of us that still wants to keep hope alive, so to speak.

I think we need to dissect the difference between “right” and “acceptable.” Maybe acceptable sounds like settling. It isn’t. It’s realistic. Right means perfect. It means, “My type is tall, doesn’t lie, has a great sense of humor, sense of duty, great smile, cute, handsome, great with kids, good job…etc.” Please correct me but does this person exist? The person that checks out on every line of your “list” of great qualities? Usually if this person does exist and seems to fit the bill, there is something you didn’t see lurking on the well-crafted paper. Something that you may have missed and only get to see once you are in it — and in it good. Hence, there can not be a Mr./Miss Right.

We were fed the story of Mr./Miss Right at an early age. And hopefully today’s generation has more open eyes. We were told that “your soul-mate is out there — searching for you too.” We were  told “there is someone for everyone.” But who is to say that your “true love” is only one person. For your whole life the fact that only one person on this entire planet is your perfect fit is the stuff of fairytales. And in fact who we encounter everyday are tiny pieces of what we would consider perfection. As if we could build the perfect being, we would take this person’s attitude, that person’s great way with people, this person over here’s great dimples. Each person we meet is a piece of a greater whole — just not encompassed in one. And in turn some of the characteristics you seek are really what you seek for yourself internally.

If you sat down and wrote what you really wanted in a mate, you may discover that what you truly wanted is either what you encompass already in yourself or are traits you would like to posses. If it is the latter, maybe the real challenge is trying to attain those characteristics you seek – those tiny special requests on your list — for your soul first. Not a ”soul” mate.

 Well, minus the dimples (if you don’t already have them.)

Being OK with single makes relationships easier

One great thing about being single is not having to worry about all the relationship questions couples have to worry about. All of those restrictions of freedom, the constant compromise, the worries about trust — singles don’t have those issues. More to the point our issues are different like, “I just got invited to so and so’s party, and I need a date. Hum…” There are so many advantages to being single but some things can be inconvenient. Namely the worse being, as I stated in an earlier post, is who to trust with your loins!

But what happens when it seems that you may be getting involved again? I don’t necessarily believe that my discovery of “the new relationship” is a direct result of bitterness. Maybe at first (I will readily admit!) but that is not what it has evolved into. I will say that because of the repeat offenders to my reluctantly trusting heart, I have continued to be gun-shy. When someone comes along –again– wanting to be in my life, I am apprehensive. The difference now is that I’ve realized that I’m fine alone, which only pushes me to risk a potential relationship again. Because of my “single being the new relationship” discovery, I hope to handle things if they don’t go my way, which wasn’t always the case before.

Just because I know that life is simpler being alone, I’m not going to lie to you all and say single for life is something I want. Single being the new relationship is about being OK with oneness. So much so that when a relationship pops up, you are ready to be alone again if things go wrong. That may not seem very romantic or optimistic, but if you dissect the idea, it really is. The optimism is looking forward to getting back to YOU if/when relationships don’t work out. Too many times I’ve let myself cry in a pillow. You can cry. But stop after a day or so. Understanding single has so many benefits can guard you from pain later. And if you have the attitude of not making that person in your life the solution to anything and see he or she as an asset to your life instead of a completion, I believe the trust and relationship can be stronger.

That said taking the risk of coupledom is feasible, prepared and overall better because you know that you were a whole person before the opportunity of relationships comes knocking.

How not to respond to being single

Not finding your other half…

Yep. It’s tough sometimes. But don’t let society tell you that you HAVE another half. It just makes it sound like you weren’t a whole person to begin with, which is the worse kind of outlook. When I realized this…living with singledom was a lot simpler. I’m not saying that it still isn’t wonderful to have another person in your life. But he or she shouldn’t complete you. They should compliment you.

 

Why are you staying together?

Do you really know?

I’ve had met countless people who don’t seem all that crazy about their marriage or long-term relationship. The fights are more often than the love. The incessant acceptance but secret loathing of what the other does in the relationship continues. The mind wanders to straying in all forms of what that entails. And the physical, emotional and mental distance leaves an imprint on their hearts. I speak naively of course, I’m not in a relationship. But some of those factors are why I’m not! Why do people stay together in such circumstances?

I’ve observed a few things that can possibly explain:

No. 1 and probably the most common reason is habit. Those are so hard to break as we all know but we aren’t talking about nail-biting here. Many times I’ve heard that it just becomes routine. Like getting up and brushing your teeth. The day you don’t brush your teeth you notice. But I think if you start making your relationship a matter of routine, then you are heading to the land of I’m-bored-point-me-to-Second-Life.

No.2 Fear of being alone. I know this fear. We are more than acquainted and have in fact been in a long-term relationship! However the fear of being alone has helped me make numerous mistakes. So maybe it’s time to take the fear out of oneness.

No. 3 Not having any other financial support base. While this is probably the hardest situation, it is not impossible. What with so many networks, programs and educational outlets, the days of having to rely on one person should be slowly working their way to being over. There’s a difference between getting assistance and being completely dependent.

No. 4 The kids. A very common reason. I have worked with young children before and they aren’t stupid. They know when something is up and will more likely rather you break up than stay together for them just so they can see you fighting or being distant with one another.

No. 5 is love. Very important reason by the way. But notice I didn’t say “in love.” I’m no relationship guru by no stretch of the imagination but being “in love” I feel is the key to a lasting, happy relationship. Sometimes just loving the person isn’t enough. Ask anyone who has cheated on their spouse. They will always say they love them. But do they ever say the are in love with them?

It’s OK to start a new life with yourself, by yourself. There are certain risks you can afford. Seeking a better way to live is certainly one of them.