My best friend’s wedding

I wasn’t there for it.
Actually it was really a Justice of the Peace thing and she plans to have a real ceremony sometime later in the year. I really hope she does because I feel like a rite of passage has now come and gone without my witnessing it. The day we both thought I would see first — marriage. It’s a rite of passage not because of her being a new bride but because the two of us, now in our third decade of life, had a pact to be there for one another for things such as this.

I wanted to be there for her. But I couldn’t. She lives a few states away and our schedules are impossible. It’s weird considering her a wife now. It was also weird at first seeing her as a mother but when she had her son I saw she was born to be one. Now that she has added wife to her title, that’s one that will take some adjusting. I remember all our talks about marriage, dating…how men “just didn’t get it.”

Now she’s wed. And she is the last of my close friends to take this leap. I wish her well but wonder how long it will take before it might just bother me — being the last. Maybe it already does? Maybe it doesn’t matter. I can keep up the most brave face I can possibly muster, and convince myself that I’m still OK with being single. But I waver. I am also just human.

I’m not single…now what?

I started this blog. Single as hell. Now I’m not. But I’m not so convinced that I will be married this time next year so I don’t want to kill this blog yet. Until then, I have a Let’s Talk lined up that I’m working on.  I interviewed a very pleasant young lady who squashes the stereotype of being a divorced woman. Look for it soon.

But what should this blog be in transition. I don’t think I have any authority to give advice. As you can read in the post before this one, I’m relationship stupid. But I can definitely give advice on changing your situation. I was surely a naysayer about ever getting back into relationship land. When I finally did, I pretty much mess up at every turn. Not sure I can tell you what to do once you are there, but I can surely help you into getting there in the first place. Should that be the direction of this blog along with interviews of single folks? You tell me. That is, if anyone is still reading. If not, my other blog a writer doding bullets seems much more popular.

Ah, self-deprecation.

How soon is too soon for the first date trip?

As you can see, I’ve become that annoying person who is entirely too busy with work, life and now a boyfriend. I’ve always hated people like that. Those who just couldn’t find the time to hang just because they are dating. But I’ve got a really good reason — it’s been five years. Five long years without a viable relationship and I don’t have any qualms telling you all that it’s been that long. So when something of an improvement comes along that is leaps and bounds better than the half-asses that usually come knocking, it’s kind of hard not to get distracted. I will say though: It’s not like my social calendar has been completely disrupted. I don’t seem to get constant texts or phone calls from people vying for my attention other than work so I guess what I’m really neglecting is this here blog. Sorry about that (all five of you reading…)

So here’s the latest. Next week I may possibly be heading up to Vegas with the new guy. I say possibly because I tend to have the weirdest luck and I wouldn’t be surprised if something truly ridiculous happened to hinder my going. Like maybe a freak accident or I get kidnapped or something. And given that Vegas has been the place that in the last few months EVERYONE around me seems to have gone, it just seems unfathomable that I am actually going.

Anyway, we have been dating for about a month. And let me tell you; it doesn’t feel that short and that’s not a bad thing. So I just feel comfortable enough to take this little trip. And let’s face it. How often does one get to go to Vegas? Scratch that question if you are a frequent traveler. But those of you who don’t get to satisfy that wanderlust, as is my situation, the idea is mouth-watering. And it doesn’t hurt that I will be traveling with someone I care about. Here’s my question, though: Given all the “rules” that maybe we shouldn’t invest too much in anyway, is a month kind of soon for a date trip?  You should know that the tickets are already bought so even if you happen to throw up your red stop signs and flags, I’m still going unless we experience a plague of locusts or pigs suddenly sprout wings and escape their slaughterhouse doom. However I do always value your opinions! And I’m pretty happy that being single that long, and finally examining myself, helped me to be confident enough to give this all a chance. 

It’s long distance: Where is it going?

I’ve had a bit of luck on eHarmony, surprisingly enough. The catch? I’m chatting up a few folks that are nowhere near where I live. My question is, where does such a thing start heading? I’ve never really been in this situation. Does this mean if we fall in love and then figure out who moves where, only to have it not last long enough to even finish out an apartment lease? I guess it’s good just to have someone to talk to, right? But what if more develops.

My best friend is currently seriously involved with a guy in the U.K. And it turns out he may even live here in the states after he visits her in April. I’m happy for her but I’m worried too — where is such a leap headed? In her case she is on a more committed route whereas I’m just chit-chatting with a few nice chaps. She has a son involved. I’ve got an ornery cat.

The weirdness of eHarmony is you either draw out a big net or a tiny one. If you do the latter, you aren’t going to dig up many fish. But if you send out a massive net, meaning you selected on your profile that distance doesn’t matter, you have more opportunity to score, so to speak. The main goal being a real relationship, I would assume, however achieving that is already difficult. If you compound that with distance then you have even more a dilemma.

I know I’m using a lot of fishing/water references lately but here’s another one: I’m just going to hang out on the dock and see what happens. Wait. That didn’t come out right…

Get out the dinghy

I recently received an email from a very old friend. We were quite the pair in middle school and high school. Now she’s married, a teacher and has two beautiful girls. One of which was the topic of her email. Her youngest is in a cutest baby contest hosted by a photographer in the area and she wanted everyone to vote. The picture is adorable — her little girl is dressed in pink feathers and wearing a sweet smile. This friend of mine is one of many who have “taken the plunge” while I’m pretty much coasting, drifting and kind of drowning!

I don’t really have that itch. You know the one. That baby itch everyone tells me I’m going to get or should already be getting now that I’m 30. I love kids but I’m not just dying to have one, which is a good thing since I’m thinking I’ve got to kind of land a real relationship first! In fact, I’m OK with not having one. But when I get these emails, you know the ones — a slideshow of what so and so’s kids did adorably on camera, the trip the family took to the nearest amusement park— that’s when I let out a dreamy sigh. I’m happy for them all but I wonder what they must think of me. Do they think my life not as fulfilled since I’ve made the decision not to have a family? Do they silently “tisk, tisk” me as I go yet another year unwed? Bottom line: I don’t really care but will admit I wonder what they think.

Grocery shopping for more than food

I have heard time and time again that you just never know who you might run into at the grocery store. You can meet people in the darnedest of places, I’ve been told. Stop looking and you just might find. Yadda, yadda…

Well if that’s the case, what do you do when you ARE at the grocery store and someone strikes your fancy? Isn’t it inappropriate, if not considered desperate, to pick someone up at the store? And more to the point, what if it’s someone working there?! Ok. I’ll admit. I have a health food store crush.

I was looking for a particular bottle of wine. I see this very nice looking young man and decide to ask him. Though he said he wasn’t a fan of chardonnay, and didn’t know what I was looking for, he still helped me out by finding someone he thought would be more abreast of such things. And then off he went…

I wanted to say something. But alas, I didn’t. And the person who came to my rescue didn’t even know what wine I was talking about (didn’t help that I didn’t know the name of it, just what the bottle looked like!) and I eventually found it myself. I wandered off to the cheese aisle and on my way, there HE was again.

“Did you find it.” Mr. Gorgeous asked.

“Yes. I did. Thank you.” I chimed.

“Let me see.” He said.

I showed him. He laughed and off he went again. Ah. Opportunity. Why do I fear you?

I don’t get the “no sex” part…

I have spent quite a bit of time lately talking to people who are coupled up. And nine times out of ten I hear the same thing:

“He doesn’t want to have sex anymore…”

WHAT? Even as I type (on vacation) I have The View on in the other room and they have some expert on talking about the main reason for lack of sex in a marriage is because men don’t have the desire anymore. Don’t you all remember when they used to blame it on us?! Now it seems that the men need lots of motivation.  He even mentioned how many men stop the sex train the night of the honeymoon!

I can’t really relate. I’m speaking from the side of a chick who has never been married. But I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with no sex involved. I know it’s overrated. I know it doesn’t make the whole relationship. However what tends to happen in sexless marriages is the obvious –cheating. Things happen. People start feeling less sexy, less desirable. What do you do to fix all that though? What do you do to rekindle THAT flame? No really. I’m asking YOU.

Because here’s how I see it: I’m obviously looking to eventually be married. But what’s to look forward to when all I hear is the lack of sex that goes on once the commitment is made? That is kind of discouraging.

My trust meter is broken

After all my efforts with actually trying to land a mate, wouldn’t it just be such a shame for me to lose an opportunity because I’m afraid to trust the motives of someone interested? That’s where I am today.

I have no idea how to fall into something with possibilities and just, well, BE. I seem to find myself wondering, second-guessing, and anticipating the shoe to drop. Depending on your beliefs, we technically only have one physical life. I don’t want to live it never trusting again.
It really isn’t the bitterness of past failed serious relationships that is my problem anymore. There was most assuredly a time when I didn’t necessarily hate men, but more to the point — I tried very hard to keep a thinly veiled guard up. I was always waiting for when they would hurt me. For five years I just stopped believing.

Now the issue here is trusting if whether or not advances, interests and a man’s attention are genuine. I believe it’s an enormous waste of effort, time and yes, even money, if in the end I sabotage things before they have begun! I don’t fear commitment for what it implies. I just fear the possibility of a let-down. More to the point — a devastation. Jumping in with both feet and eyes semi-closed is new to me. I think the girl, that girl in her early 20s, was quite good at that. Too good. And now that she has reached nearly 30, putting her big toe in the water is how she would rather start.

But that isn’t entirely true. Online dating to me is a risk. Joining groups of people you have never met is a risk. Even striking up a conversation with a stranger is a risk. Those are all things I’ve done in the past month. Maybe not a big deal. But to me it’s bigger than what I had been doing for the past year I just obessessed about work and getting me together. To me that’s a full plunge.

However why is it that I’ve dived in full on, but can’t mentally get past dipping my big toe in the uncharted waters of an actual possibility?

Is it asking too much to be able to spell?

My latest match. Would you like to know what he is most thankful for?

Patience

Well that’s nice.

For having lovely family

Well isn’t that sweet? But I think he may have meant loving.

Helath

Yes ladies and gents. Helath. Which I can only guess means health.

Guess where he likes to spend his leisure time? The library and the book store. Did you just spit out your favorite beverage after reading that? Well I did. I’ve got water all over my keyboard. Pass down the paper towels.

Oh and I forgot. He also likes…

workout,watching movies.palying raquet ball, play golf,watching any sport

I cut and pasted that as it is written. And yes. He said palying raquet ball. This must be some new kind of sport. Haven’t you heard?

Man. Am I asking for too much here? At least hit the spell check.

Women can not live without drama…

So there I was. Prime ready for my first event with this singles women’s group. It’s tonight and I’m still going, but yesterday was an odd flurry of emails from this one particluar woman who didn’t seem to have read not only the description of the co-ed pajama party but it also seems she didn’t read the description of the group itself.

She was upset because the pajama party was going to have boys over (it’s not really a sleepover by the way) and said that it never was stated anywhere in the emails or the event info. Not true. She just didn’t put on her reading glasses.

She sent out the most bitchy email to everyone:

Five singledom questions I keep asking myself…

I’m the only person I know that will actually spend some of her very short upcoming vacation catching up on blogging. That’s the plan come the end of this week. That’s either kind of sad or just being way too dedicated to sharing thoughts on a computer. But I happen to have my next interviewee  lined up. I find her to be a little bit of a mystery and yet the answers she gave to my questions seemed to reveal more than I expected. And Ms. Single Mama  said I can interview her as well. Stay tuned…

Some things have been running through my mind today about perspectives of single people and I’ve got a few questions to the masses. Feel free to be as candid as possible. Blunt as you want. Detailed as you feel.

1. How old is too old to be single? Is there such thing?

2. Are women more alone than men?

3. What are the most common places to meet people other than the bar?

4. Why are people so set on being married?

5. Should people be less picky?

These are all questions I’ve asked myself at some point. The answers keep changing. So what do you think?