Marriage keeps rearing its ugly head

No matter how hard I try to fight it, I’m approaching 31 as of 49 days from now, give or take some hours. And the fact remains, to be over 30 and not ever married makes you a marked woman. When men approach this age and are never married, we tend to just shrug it off as a guy who is still “sewing his oats” or got so career-minded he seemed to have forgot to find a great gal and marry her. When women get to this point, we tend to shake our head, label her and decide she must be damaged goods. You may be sitting there  in absolute disagreement but don’t deny it. Women in there 30s still single, never married, seems to be an oddity in concept but surely increasing in numbers.

Being a photographer, I know find myself always surrounded in weddings. I love to shoot them. They are beautiful and the girly-girl in me gets kind of goofy in all the flutter and tulle. But for some reason, while I’m shooting, I don’t really get emotional about the vows and the rings and the words…words…words…That’s all they are until you get home and spend about seven years with the person. Then I wonder do people remember those words they said in front of family, friends, random plus ones and our God of many names.

So far I’m pretty much the last of my old-school friends who isn’t married, engaged or practically married and I will admit it feels kind of weird. I’m not sure what I really see in a marriage other than the fact that two people can coexist with each other, support each other and keep a 50/50 playing field. I always imagined a marriage for myself as one where the two of us play hard, work hard and if we go to bed angry, we wake up having the makeup. That’s probably very unrealistic because it’s so simple and nothing is simple.

Self-discovery isn’t overrated. I feel we all need time alone to even know what the hell we want or even who in the world we are. Sometimes that takes a while. And sometimes when you find all of that, your life can hit a reset button and you start all over again. The question is, do we do alone?

Is being alone all that bad?

I have been slacking on this blog. But not so much when it comes to commenting on previous posts here, namely the ones about today’s negative belief in women. Just look at the most popular posts on the right of the page and you will see they have to do with Tom Leykis. But not really just about him –  this new (ish) view of marriage, women and feminism. It’s all very stimulating and I find the male responses to be more than a little insightful –  it’s very exciting in a sad/interesting/enlightening way. And the more that I read into what these men are saying, the more I keep asking myself: Is being alone all that bad?

When did all of this relationship stuff get so damn complicated? When did we become enemies of ourselves and of each other’s sex? What happens to a world filled with people who pretty much say, “I can do bad all by myself” or “I’m much better off alone”? I’ve become one of those people — reluctantly I guess. I realize now that I will probably be alone but I don’t cry about it. Ask me 10 years ago and I would have thought it was the end of the world. Instead I see it as another hurdle I need to face, overcome and move on — mainly because I see even more now that men in general don’t seem to see/want the same things I do. And if they do, nine times out of ten they are married. And they may only seem to go my direction because they are looking for some diversity and I don’t mean race/culture. I mean distractions from reality — their own private Idaho they don’t always want to come home to.

Being that I’m not the type to go after a married man, but tend to be apathetic at the wrong times, this just means I get to let them vent. I’m always left wondering, “How did THEY get there?” I have yet to see what the big deal about marriage is! So far all I’ve learned from other people’s marriages is that freedom is sweet. And that I’m lucky not to have to worry about kids because nine times out of ten an unhappy marriage stays together for the kids’ sake. How sad! Who wants to live like that?

Ultimately, or usually, people who date long-term turn to each other after an average of about three years and ask, “Now what?” Planning that wedding becomes the answer and believe me, I’ve been guilty of that. I’ve been engaged twice. And I guess I’ve always just figured I failed. But maybe I escaped? Maybe I’m just free to live the life I should and would have never had if I was shackled and knocked up.

So: Is being along all that bad? And is it just a reflection of our bitterness toward each other as human beings? OK: Woman got too independent. Men stop needing us for anything more than sex. These are statements I’ve ACTUALLY heard. What do you think?

How Tom Leykis makes those millions…

Radio shock jock Tom Leykis has found the right formula to make sure he keeps himself bathing in millions –  just the perfect amount of guidance, relatable anecdotes for the “average” guy who can’t stand his current relationship but needs help out of it and more than a dash of painting women as whores. Like I’ve said before, I listen. Do I listen all day? No. For all I know someone has called in and blasted my ass on the air for even daring question Tom’s motives. However, his show usually catches me at drive-time home from my JOB by the way. Did I not mention. I do have one. Something that Leykis would probably be surprised about since he believes the average woman is on welfare and just waiting to bait a man with pregnancy in order to be taken care of — something I would jump off a cliff before EVER letting happen. I find myself, no matter how awful some of the things he says, turning up my radio, sometimes laughing my butt off at the idiots who call in and at least once a week agreeing with Leykis — much to my dismay. In fact sometimes it makes me feel dirty when I do.

The reason I’m ranting is that my February post about Tom and the average guy has been gaining some steam lately. The last commenter made sure to lump me in the category of the kind of chick that Leykis talks about which is pretty funny considering a lot of the posts I’ve written here on this blog. But really, I can’t blame him. He obviously just Googled Tom Leykis, found my blog, and neglected to dig deeper. I’ve encountered and despise the kind of woman that fuels this hatred.  And it makes me sick that it ruins it for the rest of us. I’m not perfect but I’m sure no one is unless you ask faithful listeners who will say Leykis (or “Dad” as many fans call him) is perfection reincarnated from Jesus. But there are listeners who aren’t necessarily fundamentalists of “Dad.” Make sure to read Shaun’s comment over at the aforementioned post I wrote earlier this year. He makes a very reasonable point about Leykis being the result of the options and lifestyle of today’s male. I specifically like this point:

There is simply little incentive outside of cultural or religious pressures for young men to get married. The single life plays into men’s social and sexual tendencies as well, as males have always been satisfied as rogues in society, perfectly satisfied with mistresses and extra-marital affairs for centuries. In essence, I don’t think that Tom Leykis is an influence on modern male sociology as much as he is an open reflection of it.

That makes perfect sense, unfortunately. The world of today just doesn’t lend itself to a plausible reason for marriage…though I would argue that isn’t just in the case of men but women as well.

But I still have to drive home the point that we can’t lump everyone, even when the exceptions to the “rule” are few and far between. I’m sure there are times I wasn’t the most wonderful in my relationships — quite sure. But one thing I never expected out of them was to be tolerated as I sit on my rear, waiting to be doted over and not lifting a finger to help out in any way. That’s just not how I was brought up and I pride myself on my Independence and ability to look after myself. That said, I AM a woman –  but really, I don’t always roar. It has been said that Tom is the original feminist but even I (a real woman last I checked) have my moments of femininity because honestly I do have estrogen after all. Nothing I can do about that. And he makes it quite clear that the overbearing, non-feminine type of woman is to be avoided but the very thing that makes us so feminine can really at times be the very thing Tom shuns. I shutter to think at that conundrum.

I’m just fine in my skin — with or without a guy on my arm. And I think there are many women who feel the same. I just can’t seem to understand why the die-hard listeners can’t just see that Tom is what several people have noted in my February post — an entertainer. But the younger generation that listens to him is where I have often scratched my head. On one hand, I love what Tom tells them because it pretty much means that they will never want to even think about getting married too young or knocking up some less-than-ready-to-be-a-mom teen or being just plain careless. But on the other, those impressionable men are going to grow up hating women, just use them to get laid and then running like hell (or force an abortion) when/if the woman gets pregnant. And while I agree with the madness, I don’t like the method.

Once upon a time, I did the Leykis 101 bit before I even listened or knew who the hell he was. I didn’t go ANYWHERE without my favorite, well let’s just say protection. I got what I wanted, when I wanted it, every time I wanted it but at SOME point, don’t you have to grow up and figure out another way to exist without seeing people as a depository for sexual release and non-emotional attachments? And that doesn’t necessarily mean getting married or starting a family or even being serious with someone all of the time just to feel validated. It just means respecting yourself, and yes, I will say it…respecting others. What a f-ing concept.

Do women need men for safety?

That may seem like a very pre-feminist movement question. A resounding “What a ludicrous question!” can be heard at this very moment from the tops of every fem-movement mountain top as I type this.

But given the acceptance of not really seeing anyone and also being a new homeowner, I have started to ponder this conundrum. Did I feel safer knowing I was living around men in apartments than I do living next door to other single women? Unfortunately, yes. And I’m a bit ashamed to admit it. Granted, the people I’m surround by are very alert. Plus I’m not sure it’s more of a thing that with apartments you are surrounded by others than it really being about living next to men. One thing I can safely admit is that even with an alarm system, a neighbor with a dog, my own alert behavior when coming home later at night, I still wonder if I would feel more at ease with a man around.

So what do you do when you don’t have one around? You man up. You stay cautious in addition to help your neighbors out and they will in turn help you. But I still am scratching my head on how safe that makes me feel. Many feminists (if they aren’t anti-gun activists) “man up” with a gun, a notion I have thought about often but never found myself in the way of a real gun owner. And isn’t that terrible? I say “man up” and associate that with a deadly weapon. The two are not connected necessarily but see how I made that connection? We at times marry masculinity with violence and quite possibly that is another reason I’m reverting to June Cleaver a little bit with this topic. And it is obviously ironic in that I’m asking the question of the correlation of safety and having a guy around but making note that violence can also be attributed to the male species. What a quandary. I’m a victim of old ideals meshing with new thought and a change in lifestyle.

But I sincerely would like your opinon.

A relationship lesson: Avoid the Idealizer

It never occurred to me but I seem to have been in a real pattern of dating the same kind of guy. It surprisingly wasn’t that apparent until I recently received a comment from a fellow single blogger named Elsie. She was discussing the type of guy she has come across time and time again: The Idealizer.

It is a word that surely should have a place in the dictionary with photographs of my last three “serious” relationships. Their common thread is always the same: surround you in gifts, have dreamy ideals of what the relationship is or should be or WILL be before you have even hit six months into it and when the expectations aren’t perfect, they bolt.

Here is a snippet of Elsie’s observations of such a gem:

“I’m just making inferences here, but this guy sounds like what I call an idealizer, that seeming Prince Charming who showers you with attention until you’re hooked (usually lasts no longer than three months), then rapidly loses interest when reality sets in…I will say this, though: I’ve come to believe that men like that don’t want a real relationship. They want the excitement of romance and all that comes with it. It’s not that they’re ‘just not that into you.” They’re ‘just not that into’ anybody!”

I kind of started looking back at my laundry list of men. And she was quite right. All of them started and ended about the same — way too fast. It kind of gets to be a sticky situation…like quicksand or something.

I am not known to be a very patient kind of gal, I will admit, but I can say most of my past guys have rushed things when there really wasn’t a reason to hit the finish line at record pace. I remember trying to put the brakes on and the insisting began, I gave way and then tried my best not to look back when the relationship faltered as a result.

It is truly a lesson learned and by the third round, I should know better the next time. I’ll know what to look out for — at least I hope. And if you are a single girl like me, I want to give you a list of what to be aware of before you get too serious with one of these idealizer chaps.

1. Don’t give in to presents too quickly in the relationship. Believe me, it’s nice and all, but shoes can’t comfort you in times of need. Wait. That’s not right. Some shoes kind of can…

2. Don’t do the “get away” too quickly. I have learned a lot from my Vegas saga and realized that places like Vegas will still be around, with our without a guy to take me!

3. Early talk of how great you are is wonderful. But if you have only been dating two weeks and he talks to you like you have roped the moon, RED ALERT.

4. In that same turn, if he needs constant validation, realize that is not your job. There is a time and place for everything, but if you have to constantly validate there is doom ahead. And really, isn’t validation at every turn to be left at your job and not your relationship? That kind of pressure should not be a part of a couple!

5. Steer clear for the super-ambitious guy. Life is short. It’s wonderful to have a guy with drive, but if he’s trying to tackle 10 things at once in the name of fame/glory/power/reputation, you can’t possibly fit in that equation.

I’m no expert. But more than 10 years (ah geez) of this, I should have learned something by now, right?!

It’s all in the sheets…

There is something to be said about how we perform in bed. But there is also something to be said about the linens we perform in. I have been really reevaluating my linens. I look at what I have and know that most of them came in a bag — you know, Bed in a Bag. They are disguised as comfortable but have since lost their appeal. They bead and are faded. And aside from some super earthy, hippie-type bed covers from Urban Outfitters, most of the comforters and sheets I have are el-cheapo to the extreme. It made me wonder: Does this reflect who I chose to bed and date?

I don’t mean cheap in the monetary or even sleazy sense although I could call sleaze on a number of “winners” I’ve had the displeasure “getting to know” in that less than saintly sense. What I mean is being shorted. The reluctant acceptance of settling. Ignoring how worn out they are and in need of repair. That kind of thing. Not only that, they are kind of filled with all that old karma that I just want to burn them and start over. That would be a great idea if I had enough pocket change to replace all of them. I like options…hum, does that say something about me as well??

They all hold stories and stories of “love,” gosh-awful mistakes and just plain “what the hell were you thinking?!” At times, when I cover my head at night with them, it’s like there are a million people in my bed. Don’t get me started on the mattress. The linens, though…those things see everything while the mattress wonders what is going on but has a real good idea.

I’m big on the karma jazz. I wish that I wasn’t because replacing those damn sheets will be expensive. I am taking up an “I Want to Burn My Sheets” fund. Any takers?

I’ve been here before…

Just came home from a night out. I started at Razoos with a cool meetup group I’m still a member of followed by all of us gathering to watch the Sex and the City movie (for some reason, that movie really made me want to take photos in my semi-cocktail dress) and ended the night with drinks at Sherlock’s. Now I know I’m not supposed to be drinking but my colonoscopy isn’t until Monday so I’ve got Sunday to cleanse and nearly die. But tonight was about not caring. I find it too difficult to stay home. Especially when I know that I could be missing out on something. But this is a familiar scene.

I thought relationships were supposed to keep me away from the singles snafu. All it seems to be doing lately is drawing me back to it. And even then, I’m kind of foreign to the protocol just by sheer age. Yea, yea…30 isn’t old. However, it’s old enough to know better.

On a side note: Do see Sex. It’s a great flick although I was kind of disappointed with the ending. If you are die-hard fans, you will know why I was. If you aren’t, you will just say, “eh, it was supposed to end like that.”

OK. Wait. So does that mean I’m single?

It’s been almost three months with the guy I’m seeing and he pretty much has all the qualities I look for in a guy. Sense of humor and all that yadda, yadda. But one of the qualities I really dig in a guy this dude has in buckets and buckets full which leaves me scratching my head as to what the hell the relationship is in reality. What is that ocean-full quality that has inspired this post? Well it’s ambition, folks. Good old fashion over-achievement, high ideals and self-serving success. I enjoy a bit of ambition and I think I have quite a bit of it. Of course that is if I can get my head out of my ass long enough to really get where I need to be by now. I’m doing OK but I could do much, much better — so I get it. I get the whole ambition racket and all the trappings it can have. However, this characteristic can easily be a four-letter word (technically eight) just as it can be admired in a person. In this case with my boyfriend (?) I’m smack in the middle. I should be happy to know that I’m not dating a couch potato but we have a committed relationship in which I’m pretty much in fifth place on his priority list. I would say the whole “he’s just not that into you” but I think it’s more like “he’s that into you, but into other things first.”

I’m not going to get into all of his aspirations because that isn’t really the point. What is the point is while he is trying to acquire all of his dreams, and apparently I may  be one of them, I don’t really spend what I consider quality time with him. This is quite funny now that I think of it because before it was all about how I felt a bit smothered in the first three weeks of the courtship. It’s still early yet, but I’ve met the family and had the whole vacation test with him.

So why does it feel like I don’t have a boyfriend? I mean I could literally put myself back out there as a single woman, and I am afraid to say that I would actually feel that I was one. What makes it even more complicated is that coming to the conclusion of being more positive about being unattached means that while distance makes the heart grow fonder, it also makes the heart go a bit stagnant and start having wanderlust. He has told me I’m important to him. But so are documents that have to be signed to complete a transaction.

Am I a bad person or is this a situation you have been in yourself? Please share.

Relationship stupid…

I’m back and kind of to my old self again. If you want to get the skinny on what happened to me over the last few weeks, read it here. Anyway, now that I’m back, I realize that when I started this blog I really had the right idea. Single truly is the new relationship and for the beginning of 2008, I began to have a new relationship with myself and tracked my journey here.  I learned to love myself more. Figure myself out more. And I know that may sound quite sappy to some of you but it isn’t as easy as it seems. It’s not like I’m so completely together right now to not look in the mirror sometimes and say, “Ugh” at myself when I think about all my mistakes so far.

But what I did do was stop obsessing negatively about being single.  I had my bouts of instanity while going through my single reevaluation process, and I am sure some of you have read them here. But overall I believe my mission was accoplished. And maybe a bit too well. Because you see, now I am in a relationship. Who knows for how long but it’s the first in five years. Five. Long. Years. And now that I am in a relationship, I don’t know crap about what I’m doing. I’ve so far pissed this man off so many times I’m surprised we are hitting the three-month mark soon.  I will say he’s not without his own flaws that piss me off but that isn’t the nugget of this point. Here is the list of things I’ve done and some of them you surely shouldn’t do.

• Request the “single” status be removed from his myspace. OK. I know this is juvenile but just let me discuss it in a future post.
• Not being intimate enough when it comes to certain things. I tend to have a guy approach to stuff. I’m not big on fourplay and so what comes off as somewhat pedestrian or not sensitive is really my wanting to cut to the movie and just skip the previews.
• I don’t pat on the back enough. I am a supportive women when it comes to my man but I guess I’m not so good at the validating bit. But should I be? That’s a silly question because I think at times I also need validation. Don’t we all? See. It’s a vicious circle.
• I like to “argue.” To me the best thing in the world for a relationship is making sure the significant other knows when I am not happy with something, or he should tell me when he is not happy with something and in my book that should be an immediate action. that way it doesn’t happen again, an understanding is reached and you don’t sit on your feelings – just ready to explode later. Some call this arguing. I call it discussing.

I’m sure there’s more but you get the point. So much focusing on me has made me miss the bigger picture of what happens when it’s no longer just me. However, if and when I am no longer attached, I will bounce back better knowing that I was more sure of myself now than I ever was before. And that, my friends, is why I don’t regret a thing about my process. And single will always be the one relationship you have to count on because, really, when it comes down to it, if you are alone you don’t have a choice but to count on yourself.

 

So, do I ditch eHarmony?

I have a new dilemma. And I gotta tell you, I didn’t really think this would ever be an issue. As you may have read here before, I joined an eHarmony some time ago. It’s one online dating site that is based on way too many requirements. And because of that, I just can’t say I was successful at it.

However I made a few connections with some really nice guys, all of which were outside of Texas. After a while those can kind of connections fizzle out but then you just keep wondering if you will meet someone after you go through the initial two months of torture to get a good result that final month of your subscription. But the situation now is that I’m being hit up every week (and they are of course out of state) but I am not sure how to respond because now I am actually seeing someone within a 50-mile radius!

Continue reading…

Giving out your number isn’t always a good idea…

Around here St. Patrick’s Day is a real excuse for some good old fashion debauchery. I’m sure in your neck of the woods there is some form of carousing, but for some reason I can’t picture it worse than here. On a Saturday along one street in Dallas every year, whether or not St. Patrick’s Day falls on a weekend, begins a full day of block parties, drinking on the street, a parade, puddles of puke, broken beer bottles, lost panties and staggering idiots. And yes, I was among them all — only not anywhere near drunk.

I went out to the “festivities” with a friend of mine. We didn’t do the the full day of mass hysteria. We just strolled down there around six and by then everyone was not just two sheets to the wind but a full duvet. But there was this one seemingly cool guy — one that kept flirting with me and commented on the fact that every time he came by I wasn’t wearing green. Guilty as charged. I was kind of a standout prissy in all pink and a new haircut. Without getting into too many gory details, the total look attracted some unwanted attention. Anyway, this guy seemed pretty sober unlike most of the crowd. Fast-forward to my having to use a glorified outhouse, the seemingly charming guy held my beer while I went to tinkle. Risky, I know, but I was with a good friend so if a roofy got slipped I know she had my back.

By the time we left, I decided to give my card to the seemingly harmless guy — obviously thinking that I wouldn’t hear from him (like all men usually) but I took the chance. Big mistake.

Does the average man think like Tom Leykis?

Don’t date single mothers. Don’t spend more than 40 bucks on a date or better yet — find a way not to spend anything at all. Don’t get married. These are all common demands that spew from the highly-popular radio talk show host Tom Leykis. And obviously I listen because that is why I know he says these things on a daily basis. There is no denying listening to this man is like trying to turn away from a pink elephant prancing down the street which is so ridiculous that you can’t help but find yourself laughing. It doesn’t happen all the time, but he has some fairly provocative points somewhere in all of his muck which sometimes I’m ashamed that I agree with to a degree.I also listen because I want a better pulse on what the average guy is thinking and what they are doing when it comes to relationships.

If the reality is anything like the advice of Leykis, good luck. Admittedly this guy has been divorced so many times he almost rivals Elizabeth Taylor. And he makes no qualms that his seven figure paycheck keeps him plenty happy without the trappings of a woman wanting a relationship. But his male listeners are followers and because of his popularity, you may very well find yourself being a victim of the sheer a-woman-is-nothing-more-than-a-way-to-get-my-kicks mentality. I think we all want to believe we have grown from the caveman mindset. Maybe we have since 1950 but if we don’t look out, these types of stereotypes of women will grow. And many times it is other women who ruin it for the next chick.

Grocery shopping for more than food

I have heard time and time again that you just never know who you might run into at the grocery store. You can meet people in the darnedest of places, I’ve been told. Stop looking and you just might find. Yadda, yadda…

Well if that’s the case, what do you do when you ARE at the grocery store and someone strikes your fancy? Isn’t it inappropriate, if not considered desperate, to pick someone up at the store? And more to the point, what if it’s someone working there?! Ok. I’ll admit. I have a health food store crush.

I was looking for a particular bottle of wine. I see this very nice looking young man and decide to ask him. Though he said he wasn’t a fan of chardonnay, and didn’t know what I was looking for, he still helped me out by finding someone he thought would be more abreast of such things. And then off he went…

I wanted to say something. But alas, I didn’t. And the person who came to my rescue didn’t even know what wine I was talking about (didn’t help that I didn’t know the name of it, just what the bottle looked like!) and I eventually found it myself. I wandered off to the cheese aisle and on my way, there HE was again.

“Did you find it.” Mr. Gorgeous asked.

“Yes. I did. Thank you.” I chimed.

“Let me see.” He said.

I showed him. He laughed and off he went again. Ah. Opportunity. Why do I fear you?

I don’t get the “no sex” part…

I have spent quite a bit of time lately talking to people who are coupled up. And nine times out of ten I hear the same thing:

“He doesn’t want to have sex anymore…”

WHAT? Even as I type (on vacation) I have The View on in the other room and they have some expert on talking about the main reason for lack of sex in a marriage is because men don’t have the desire anymore. Don’t you all remember when they used to blame it on us?! Now it seems that the men need lots of motivation.  He even mentioned how many men stop the sex train the night of the honeymoon!

I can’t really relate. I’m speaking from the side of a chick who has never been married. But I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with no sex involved. I know it’s overrated. I know it doesn’t make the whole relationship. However what tends to happen in sexless marriages is the obvious –cheating. Things happen. People start feeling less sexy, less desirable. What do you do to fix all that though? What do you do to rekindle THAT flame? No really. I’m asking YOU.

Because here’s how I see it: I’m obviously looking to eventually be married. But what’s to look forward to when all I hear is the lack of sex that goes on once the commitment is made? That is kind of discouraging.

Dating — on speed

What does a video camera, a guy who doesn’t know about chemistry and Kermit the Frog have in common? They were all part of my exciting speed dating experiment last night at Stout on Lower Greenville in Dallas — courtesy of Hurry Date.

I walked into the bar a little apprehensive but curious. My ssistant editor came out with me to document my speed-dating process. Which was pretty funny considering that while we were waiting for everything to start, about two random Hurry-Daters came over and hit on her big time. Let’s just say she wasn’t all that flattered. She quickly switched one of her rings from the right hand to the left ring-finger to ward off any evil spirits…

When the time came that I got to sit down with these guys, one guy in particular stood out like a sore thumb. He was also one of the guys eyeing Aly like fresh meat on a slab from a far. I won’t go into detail but he was, well, let’s just say interesting. When he asked me what I looked for right away in a connection with a guy, I said something along the lines of “chemistry.”

“What really is chemistry, anyway?” He seemed to ask in a possibly innocent attempt to sound prolific. Hum…I’ll just leave it at that…

During this process everyone is marked with a number they put on their name tags. And you also have a “scorecard.” This is basically where you check “Y” for yes and “N” for no in accordance to the numbers. And during this process of getting to know these guys in all of nearly five-minutes a piece, I start to lose my already failing voice. I must have sounded like across between Kathleen Turner and Kermit the Frog…

At the end of the night, I took my little scorecard and filled out all my “yes” and “no” responses to each guy on Hurry Date’s matching system. You have to wait 24 hours to see who also said yes to you. Seven hours and counting…

I would get into more detail here, but you will just have to wait until the “results show” as they say in reality television lingo and stay tuned to the upcoming video of this loveless “Eligible Editor.”

*insert pity-party inspired long, drawn out sigh here*

Ah, I can just smell the humiliation…

In two short hours I will be on several speed dates. I can thank the folks over at Hurry Date for this opportunity. Because in my line of work self-deprecation means good ratings, we are going to shoot video of my experience in a very tongue-in-cheek and hopefully entertaining way. Stay tuned over the coming days and I’ll post the link here. In the meantime though, since this will be a “documentary” (more like my own mockumentary), I really hope that the guys I will be chatting with won’t feel like it’s all a game. Because you know, in the end, I wouldn’t mind if someone slipped me their business card…and MEAN it. *glances over at stack of useless business cards from strange men*

My trust meter is broken

After all my efforts with actually trying to land a mate, wouldn’t it just be such a shame for me to lose an opportunity because I’m afraid to trust the motives of someone interested? That’s where I am today.

I have no idea how to fall into something with possibilities and just, well, BE. I seem to find myself wondering, second-guessing, and anticipating the shoe to drop. Depending on your beliefs, we technically only have one physical life. I don’t want to live it never trusting again.
It really isn’t the bitterness of past failed serious relationships that is my problem anymore. There was most assuredly a time when I didn’t necessarily hate men, but more to the point — I tried very hard to keep a thinly veiled guard up. I was always waiting for when they would hurt me. For five years I just stopped believing.

Now the issue here is trusting if whether or not advances, interests and a man’s attention are genuine. I believe it’s an enormous waste of effort, time and yes, even money, if in the end I sabotage things before they have begun! I don’t fear commitment for what it implies. I just fear the possibility of a let-down. More to the point — a devastation. Jumping in with both feet and eyes semi-closed is new to me. I think the girl, that girl in her early 20s, was quite good at that. Too good. And now that she has reached nearly 30, putting her big toe in the water is how she would rather start.

But that isn’t entirely true. Online dating to me is a risk. Joining groups of people you have never met is a risk. Even striking up a conversation with a stranger is a risk. Those are all things I’ve done in the past month. Maybe not a big deal. But to me it’s bigger than what I had been doing for the past year I just obessessed about work and getting me together. To me that’s a full plunge.

However why is it that I’ve dived in full on, but can’t mentally get past dipping my big toe in the uncharted waters of an actual possibility?

Is it asking too much to be able to spell?

My latest match. Would you like to know what he is most thankful for?

Patience

Well that’s nice.

For having lovely family

Well isn’t that sweet? But I think he may have meant loving.

Helath

Yes ladies and gents. Helath. Which I can only guess means health.

Guess where he likes to spend his leisure time? The library and the book store. Did you just spit out your favorite beverage after reading that? Well I did. I’ve got water all over my keyboard. Pass down the paper towels.

Oh and I forgot. He also likes…

workout,watching movies.palying raquet ball, play golf,watching any sport

I cut and pasted that as it is written. And yes. He said palying raquet ball. This must be some new kind of sport. Haven’t you heard?

Man. Am I asking for too much here? At least hit the spell check.

Uh oh. Ambition need not apply…

So. What is wrong with the this picture?

Some Korean guy named “Sol” in North Carolina contacted me on eHarmony today.  He was cute. Short (5′ 6″). But cute. I’m very much a gal who dates all colors, creeds, religions, whatever — when I can get a date that is. And so “Sol” sent these questions. The bolded lines are my answers. He quickly closed me as a match afterwards. When he closed me as a match, the reason he selected was:

“I want to pursue other relationships on eHarmony.”

 

I am convinced, however, that those questions were very pointed. Let’s just face it. Black women, especially strong ones, get a bad rap and can be considered as domineering. I think he was probing to see if I fell in that category. If domineering is an alternate word for “knows what she wants, goes after it, works hard, keeps going” then give me the black leather boots and the mouth gag because dominant is the new passive aggressive.

My “ah geez” moment…

I’m glad I didn’t swear on a stack of Bibles. Wait. I’m agnostic anyway…

What I’m getting at is that I thought I would NEVER pay to play. But I promised myself that this year, after a few months of self-reflection, it’s time to get back into the game. I was very naive to think that just going along in my daily life something would just happen. I did that for half a decade. Though I know that people meet by chance all the time, I’m just not finding myself in situations that it can logically happen. I mean half of my days are spent behind a desk surrounded by women and married men. The other half out in the community I cover and not taking time to really see what’s around me. A little of it spent at a bar or two. Nothing stellar there.

when you least expect it…

Bullshit. That’s not a bitter bullshit coming out of my typing fingers. That’s more like I’ve-fallen-for-this-line-for-five-years bullshit. I think you have to stir up the pot and see what shakes out. This time I’ve decided even though I hate every minute of it, I’m going through with this experiment: Three months each with dating sites, getting together in a few meet-ups and doing a little speed dating. I need a little more spice in my life even if it’s nasty old spice. Gives me something to jot down. And maybe I’ll get some good (safe) nookie in the process. We’ll see…

I’ve dated myself enough. Pampered myself enough. Finally know who I am. Isn’t it time to add another centered person in my life? Or at least someone to buy the popcorn at the movies.

Fending for yourself…

Yesterday a friend from work and I went to the lake by my apartment and walked. I took along my camera as I always do when I walk the lake. Usually alone. My friend had recently discovered the lake and fell in love with the area. She’s not really from here and I guess one day she just went driving, got out and walked…

Anyway this trek of ours wasn’t supposed to be that long. We both decided that before she came to my apartment. As we walked, we yapped about work of course. Where we wanted to be next year. And I snapped a lot of pics. Before we knew it I guess it may have been about 45 minutes and we looked around. I asked her if she wanted to turn back but by the look of her face and my frowned brow we both decided we were too curious and walked some more. However, we were headed nowhere near my apartment.

Now that’s adding insult to injury…

OK. So I’ve got like three lists going on my online dating profile. One is for all the so called matches, the other is for those I’m currently communicating with but the other one is a list of people either I’ve rejected or have rejected me!

The added “bonus” is that you get to send a “final message” which is to me an even bigger act of desperation than well…being there in the first place! Why would I want to keep a file of people that I don’t and they don’t want to talk to? And I’ve looked to see if you can delete this silly little list and you can’t. It just sits there. It mocks you. It sticks its tongue out at you and says, “Nanny nanny boo boo.”

Here are the “final message” options you can send…

• I have now posted my photo and when it is approved it should be available to you.
• I have completed all my Match Profile questions.
• Good luck with your search.
• I really felt that we had potential. I’d like you to reconsider.
• I think if we met, you might have different feelings about who I am.

Don’t they just scream, “Wait! Wait! I really am a worth while person!” It’s all so funny. I’m reminded of those little notes you passed in school that asked, “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” Only back then you did it for free. Maybe I wouldn’t even be here if my grandmother hadn’t gotten into the act. And it doesn’t hurt that my best friend may very well be the last of a long line of folks in my life on their way to the alter. I’m feelin’ the heat. I’m 30. Wasn’t I already supposed to have been divorced by now?

Does entrepreneur mean “unemployed?”

So it’s day two of my officially being a member of eHarmony, against my “better” judgement. So far my matches have come from mostly California. Is that a sign? Do I need to just move to land a man? Anyway, if you are unfamiliar with the eHarmony process, there is this “guided communication” they put you through. It’s like eight steps or something. The first step is sending these five preset questions that you pick. They have multiple choice answers or the match can decide to write their own answer.

I’ve connected with one guy who is a local at least. It says he’s an entrepreneur. I’ve heard time and time again when someone says they are self-employed or an entrepreneur it means they are truly unemployed. Is that true? So I picked a question about work for him to answer. I’m not sure I was convinced by the response that he is currently working. Could this be my problem all along? That I’m too picky? Me? Nah.

Then there is a solider in San Diego. He has a photo up of himself in Iraq. Hey ladies out there with soldier boys: Do I want to strike up a long distance gig with a guy who may deploy in a month? This is really hard.

Why are we so hung up about race?

 I posted the following on my other blog. But I wanted to share it with the readers here and see your thoughts. This is such an old topic–interracial dating. But it seems that the concerns are still very present in our society. My question to you is “Why?”

I gotta tell you; I’ve not had any slowing down of my old post about interracial dating. It still gets a fair amount of hits. This isn’t a call for all of you jokesters to start finding more weird search engine terms to get to this blog and then for me to write about them. But for some reason I get on a daily basis at least a dozen search engine terms looking for a variety of topics surrounding black women and white men dating. And lately Jewish men dating black women. WTF? Is this really THAT taboo still? I’ve dated the rainbow, as I’ve told you before, and I just never really saw dating a white man a big deal. Does the rest of society?

I will be honest though. I’m thinking the resurgence of this topic is because of the opposite happening: black men and white women. I’m not going to do some census search on this but I’m just thinking about my every day life in Texas. I see an increasing number of black men and white women coupled up. I don’t have a problem with this but I can only imagine that the two left are looking at each other, shrugging and saying, “Well, why don’t we?”

That said though, there is still so much hesitation. Believe me. White men dating black women isn’t very common here. Not sure about your area of the world. I really dig shows like “Private Practice” that treat interracial connections as something that isn’t a matter of discussion. The main discussion on that show is that the lead black female character has to choose between two men — a black one she was married to and a white one who loves her so much that is the only reason he works in the office. Race isn’t an issue. I can’t stand shows that make that the MAIN issue. The tired old story of “what will my parents think?” Aren’t we over this yet? I just don’t get it.

So for those of you searching to see if this is some “strange” concept, stop. Just go with it. Ask that black chick out. Ask that white dude out. Enjoy Hanukkah with that chocolate hottie…

WTF are you waiting for?

Loads of firewood…yep, that’s when you “need” a man

It was a lovely Thanksgiving of reflecting and spending time with my family. It was also a lovely 4-day weekend of roaring fires in my modest little apartment. I finished up the Christmas decorating and was inspired by cold whether and smells of pinecones to go out, get some selfish shopping done and load up on firewood.

That is when in happened. It was raining on the way home and actually most of the holiday. And then when I got home, the rain began to drizzle down harder and harder as I lugged my bags up the stairs. Then there was all the wood I stocked up on, waiting and taunting me in the back of my hatchback. And then there it was. That old (quite old) yet familiar pane of “dammit, this would be easier with TWO people.” But I managed. And quite nicely — filling my semi-in shape arms with loads of two for $6 bundles of wood. No help. No whimpering. I just got it done. But I’m not gonna lie. I was kind of wishing some dude was inside waiting for me so he could gallantly come hustling down the stairs to my “rescue.” Yea. I’ve mentioned this Winter Fever before I think so forgive the dramatic picture.

Mostly I just wanted some oaf to help. Any oaf. Gallant or not. Mine or not.  Can you pay someone for that? Oh and not have to pay for a happy ending?

Should you just stay home?

When I was quite a bit younger I always thought it was better to have a very large pool of friends. That meant that on any given night I may have gone out with three or more friends at tow. Today that kind of thing isn’t really the case anymore.

Many friends have moved away, drifted, lost common interests – so now what friends that I have left are what many people call associates –  not really that close but hang out from time to time. And I have my workmates or what close friends that stuck around through my ever-changing life. What happens though when you get older is that many of the friends left are in the middle of relationships, having children, getting married…

When you are single, those things are strangers to you. When you are confidently single those things can still shake your contentment with being alone. One of the reasons for this is what I encountered last night. Many people I know had decided to settle in with spouses and pass out candy to the Halloween trick-or-treaters. Some I didn’t call because I knew they are “dating” and nothing makes a person more flaky than a new relationship! But I’m not one to sit around and wait for things to happen. I decided to venture out on my own last night.

Some of you reading this may say why in the hell would you want to go somewhere alone? But why not? There’s no one to babysit. No one to drive home. No one to keep tabs on but yourself. And I’m happy to report that I had a great time heading out solo. Which has been the case before when I’ve made such a decision because I’m a strong advocate of not waiting around for someone to feed your happiness. You have to do this all on your own. You can’t always depend on people to share your enthusiasm of things and you can’t force them to always come along.

Instead of playing a tiny violin at your pity party next time you find yourself with possible plans but no one around to join you, go out on a limb and try it on your own. And if you are female (though males can be in danger too I guess if out alone at night!) follow these very obvious steps.

• Don’t get plastered. You don’t want to be the lonely person at the bar getting hammered. And more importantly, staying a bit more sober ensures you won’t have poor judgement come 2 a.m. Don’t let me go there…
• Walk to your car with your head up and look around at all times. Keep your keys out and look like you just pissed yourself. That facial expression alone will ward off potential harassers!
• Don’t get too comfy even if you are having a blast. Just one quick lapse in judgement can cost you a purse — or a wallet.
• Keep your class tightly in your hand — never leaving your side. Even if you have to put it on the toilet paper dispenser when you have to excuse yourself to the restroom..
• Remember to have fun. Don’t sit around worrying and feeling self-conscious about being by yourself. Sometimes it pays off in meeting new people. Some may even be alone themselves.

The bottom line is that if given the choice of attending an interesting party alone or staying at home ALONE because no one wanted to tag along, why would anyone want to sit around? Please prove me wrong if you don’t agree. I want to hear your opinions. Me? I would have been wondering what I was missing and isn’t getting out into the world one of the major points of life?

The reality of a single dad

If everyone was forced to wear a T-shirt that begrudgingly boasted our relationship status ala Crimson Letter style, Greg Pierce’s would read: Divorced father of two. Single for seven and half years. However if allowed one caveat in this label hungry world, I would plaster So What? to the back of Greg’s shirt.

“The first misconception that comes to mind [about being single] is that all single people are miserable, lonely lost souls that live every day of their life looking for someone,” the 42-year-old said. “That just isn’t true in all cases. Not mine anyway.”

Greg is my first interviewee for “Let’s Talk.” He has been a resident of Houston for 18 years where he lives with his 13-year-old daughter Gabby. His oldest daughter Sara is 20 and out on her own. When asked if he would have done anything differently, he confidently said “no.”

“I’ve been pretty consistent in my life and I don’t think I could have done much else in the marriage to affect the outcome,” Greg said. “She determined that.”

His initial reaction to being divorced he said was a common one. One that begged disbelief — I can’t believe this is actually happening. Another misconception: it’s all the husband’s doing when a marriage falls apart.