My best friend’s wedding

I wasn’t there for it.
Actually it was really a Justice of the Peace thing and she plans to have a real ceremony sometime later in the year. I really hope she does because I feel like a rite of passage has now come and gone without my witnessing it. The day we both thought I would see first — marriage. It’s a rite of passage not because of her being a new bride but because the two of us, now in our third decade of life, had a pact to be there for one another for things such as this.

I wanted to be there for her. But I couldn’t. She lives a few states away and our schedules are impossible. It’s weird considering her a wife now. It was also weird at first seeing her as a mother but when she had her son I saw she was born to be one. Now that she has added wife to her title, that’s one that will take some adjusting. I remember all our talks about marriage, dating…how men “just didn’t get it.”

Now she’s wed. And she is the last of my close friends to take this leap. I wish her well but wonder how long it will take before it might just bother me — being the last. Maybe it already does? Maybe it doesn’t matter. I can keep up the most brave face I can possibly muster, and convince myself that I’m still OK with being single. But I waver. I am also just human.

Marriage keeps rearing its ugly head

No matter how hard I try to fight it, I’m approaching 31 as of 49 days from now, give or take some hours. And the fact remains, to be over 30 and not ever married makes you a marked woman. When men approach this age and are never married, we tend to just shrug it off as a guy who is still “sewing his oats” or got so career-minded he seemed to have forgot to find a great gal and marry her. When women get to this point, we tend to shake our head, label her and decide she must be damaged goods. You may be sitting there  in absolute disagreement but don’t deny it. Women in there 30s still single, never married, seems to be an oddity in concept but surely increasing in numbers.

Being a photographer, I know find myself always surrounded in weddings. I love to shoot them. They are beautiful and the girly-girl in me gets kind of goofy in all the flutter and tulle. But for some reason, while I’m shooting, I don’t really get emotional about the vows and the rings and the words…words…words…That’s all they are until you get home and spend about seven years with the person. Then I wonder do people remember those words they said in front of family, friends, random plus ones and our God of many names.

So far I’m pretty much the last of my old-school friends who isn’t married, engaged or practically married and I will admit it feels kind of weird. I’m not sure what I really see in a marriage other than the fact that two people can coexist with each other, support each other and keep a 50/50 playing field. I always imagined a marriage for myself as one where the two of us play hard, work hard and if we go to bed angry, we wake up having the makeup. That’s probably very unrealistic because it’s so simple and nothing is simple.

Self-discovery isn’t overrated. I feel we all need time alone to even know what the hell we want or even who in the world we are. Sometimes that takes a while. And sometimes when you find all of that, your life can hit a reset button and you start all over again. The question is, do we do alone?

Is being alone all that bad?

I have been slacking on this blog. But not so much when it comes to commenting on previous posts here, namely the ones about today’s negative belief in women. Just look at the most popular posts on the right of the page and you will see they have to do with Tom Leykis. But not really just about him –  this new (ish) view of marriage, women and feminism. It’s all very stimulating and I find the male responses to be more than a little insightful –  it’s very exciting in a sad/interesting/enlightening way. And the more that I read into what these men are saying, the more I keep asking myself: Is being alone all that bad?

When did all of this relationship stuff get so damn complicated? When did we become enemies of ourselves and of each other’s sex? What happens to a world filled with people who pretty much say, “I can do bad all by myself” or “I’m much better off alone”? I’ve become one of those people — reluctantly I guess. I realize now that I will probably be alone but I don’t cry about it. Ask me 10 years ago and I would have thought it was the end of the world. Instead I see it as another hurdle I need to face, overcome and move on — mainly because I see even more now that men in general don’t seem to see/want the same things I do. And if they do, nine times out of ten they are married. And they may only seem to go my direction because they are looking for some diversity and I don’t mean race/culture. I mean distractions from reality — their own private Idaho they don’t always want to come home to.

Being that I’m not the type to go after a married man, but tend to be apathetic at the wrong times, this just means I get to let them vent. I’m always left wondering, “How did THEY get there?” I have yet to see what the big deal about marriage is! So far all I’ve learned from other people’s marriages is that freedom is sweet. And that I’m lucky not to have to worry about kids because nine times out of ten an unhappy marriage stays together for the kids’ sake. How sad! Who wants to live like that?

Ultimately, or usually, people who date long-term turn to each other after an average of about three years and ask, “Now what?” Planning that wedding becomes the answer and believe me, I’ve been guilty of that. I’ve been engaged twice. And I guess I’ve always just figured I failed. But maybe I escaped? Maybe I’m just free to live the life I should and would have never had if I was shackled and knocked up.

So: Is being along all that bad? And is it just a reflection of our bitterness toward each other as human beings? OK: Woman got too independent. Men stop needing us for anything more than sex. These are statements I’ve ACTUALLY heard. What do you think?

Does the average man think like Tom Leykis?

Don’t date single mothers. Don’t spend more than 40 bucks on a date or better yet — find a way not to spend anything at all. Don’t get married. These are all common demands that spew from the highly-popular radio talk show host Tom Leykis. And obviously I listen because that is why I know he says these things on a daily basis. There is no denying listening to this man is like trying to turn away from a pink elephant prancing down the street which is so ridiculous that you can’t help but find yourself laughing. It doesn’t happen all the time, but he has some fairly provocative points somewhere in all of his muck which sometimes I’m ashamed that I agree with to a degree.I also listen because I want a better pulse on what the average guy is thinking and what they are doing when it comes to relationships.

If the reality is anything like the advice of Leykis, good luck. Admittedly this guy has been divorced so many times he almost rivals Elizabeth Taylor. And he makes no qualms that his seven figure paycheck keeps him plenty happy without the trappings of a woman wanting a relationship. But his male listeners are followers and because of his popularity, you may very well find yourself being a victim of the sheer a-woman-is-nothing-more-than-a-way-to-get-my-kicks mentality. I think we all want to believe we have grown from the caveman mindset. Maybe we have since 1950 but if we don’t look out, these types of stereotypes of women will grow. And many times it is other women who ruin it for the next chick.

Get out the dinghy

I recently received an email from a very old friend. We were quite the pair in middle school and high school. Now she’s married, a teacher and has two beautiful girls. One of which was the topic of her email. Her youngest is in a cutest baby contest hosted by a photographer in the area and she wanted everyone to vote. The picture is adorable — her little girl is dressed in pink feathers and wearing a sweet smile. This friend of mine is one of many who have “taken the plunge” while I’m pretty much coasting, drifting and kind of drowning!

I don’t really have that itch. You know the one. That baby itch everyone tells me I’m going to get or should already be getting now that I’m 30. I love kids but I’m not just dying to have one, which is a good thing since I’m thinking I’ve got to kind of land a real relationship first! In fact, I’m OK with not having one. But when I get these emails, you know the ones — a slideshow of what so and so’s kids did adorably on camera, the trip the family took to the nearest amusement park— that’s when I let out a dreamy sigh. I’m happy for them all but I wonder what they must think of me. Do they think my life not as fulfilled since I’ve made the decision not to have a family? Do they silently “tisk, tisk” me as I go yet another year unwed? Bottom line: I don’t really care but will admit I wonder what they think.

I don’t get the “no sex” part…

I have spent quite a bit of time lately talking to people who are coupled up. And nine times out of ten I hear the same thing:

“He doesn’t want to have sex anymore…”

WHAT? Even as I type (on vacation) I have The View on in the other room and they have some expert on talking about the main reason for lack of sex in a marriage is because men don’t have the desire anymore. Don’t you all remember when they used to blame it on us?! Now it seems that the men need lots of motivation.  He even mentioned how many men stop the sex train the night of the honeymoon!

I can’t really relate. I’m speaking from the side of a chick who has never been married. But I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with no sex involved. I know it’s overrated. I know it doesn’t make the whole relationship. However what tends to happen in sexless marriages is the obvious –cheating. Things happen. People start feeling less sexy, less desirable. What do you do to fix all that though? What do you do to rekindle THAT flame? No really. I’m asking YOU.

Because here’s how I see it: I’m obviously looking to eventually be married. But what’s to look forward to when all I hear is the lack of sex that goes on once the commitment is made? That is kind of discouraging.

When grandma says you need a husband…

It happened. It finally happened and I could just die. My own grandmother, bless her, teasingly asked me on Christmas, “Have you found a husband yet.” Though I laughed, I was also in shock! She usually doesn’t say such things. But she is nearly 100. She can say whatever she wants! She also said she was going to go to the wedding if I found a husband. To that I caught myself saying and quickly back-peddling, “I better hurry then!”

My Granny Rose is a trip. I can’t even get mad at her for it. I just laughed, vented to my mother, laughed some more and then quickly joined eharmony. Yes. I have succumbed. But the communication is free right now so I haven’t completely committed financially yet. I say yet but I’m not so sure that’s the site to use anyway. I’ve heard more people say Match.com but I’ve had poopy results with it as well. Maybe I just need to start putting my mindset on being open to relationships again. Officially.

I’m happy that I’ve gained confidence in being a single chick with a career. But come 2008, I’m not really sure if that’s me anymore. When is just you no longer enough?

Content vs. happy

Let’s break down the definitions:

Content means:

satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

Happy means:

1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.

These two words don’t mean the same thing, exactly. You don’t have to be happy to reach contentment. As I’ve stated early in this blog, I reached a moment of contentment  about being a single chick. I think at that time I really believed that I didn’t need or want anything more when it came to my status. I don’t think I’m the stereotypical scenario of a sad, single woman. I know what I’ve got going for me but let’s face it. It’s the damn holidays. ‘Tis the season of diamond commercials and overtly romantic ideas.

You already know I’m not particularly happy  about not being in a relationship with someone. But what I’ve never said is that I’m generally miserable about the whole thing. A bit miffed? Yes. And more miffed by the second.

Yet another person at work just got engaged. You can only be strong for so long. I guess you don’t really start loathing your not being attached until others around you start getting married — and they are younger than you. Really starts putting things in perspective. You start sniffing yourself to see if you smell…

Single is definitely the new relationship…

I’ll have to look in the mirror and ask that smug face, “What are you going to do about it?”

Marriage is not the reason for life itself

That concept is surely something most would say that they agree with, but do we really as a society? They also happen to be the words of Alabama resident Rhea Jill Paul.

Rhea was kind enough for me to interview her about this obsession our society, especially in the South, has with marriage.

“Being born into a strict religious family in the South, I was inundated with the message that my purpose in life was to grow up, go to college, and get married,” she said. “This in fact was the pivotal factor in deciding which college to attend after graduating from high school.”

Rhea is 34 and has never been married. At 17 she began her adult studies at a private religious college. However it wasn’t the books and courses that weighed heavy on her mind — it was the constant questions from her mother of whether or not she met someone. And it wasn’t just her family applying the pressure. It was also her community.

“Because of the tremendous expectations to marry all throughout my life, when I did not find someone that was even almost suitable to have a long term relationship with, it devastated me,” she said. “That was in my twenties.”

Ring finger aware

The next installment of Let’s Talk  is coming later (quite later) today tonight. Turns out I discovered how to actually relax and didn’t do all the blogging I thought I would. But I did manage to make a few social calls…

First up was something called a Pink Party — no guys allowed — and all proceeds went to a mom who overcame breast cancer but still has the outrageous medical fees. What a great reason to break out the jello shots and banter. It was also nice to see the host again. I haven’t hung out with her in nearly a year now. I took a friend from work and we didn’t know a soul. After a few cocktails though that didn’t seem to matter as much because the food was yummy and the company was decent enough. Though a party without boys is something I would normally run from — like the wind!

I did notice something while I was there. After a few conversations with married women, I noticed myself scanning the room to see who else may have been married or otherwise betrothed in some way and showed evidence of that on left-hand ring fingers. I normally do that in a room full of men and for obvious reasons. But this was probably the first time I’ve done such in a room full of women. Because I guess it was the first time I was really sizing myself up with other chicks that could have been my age. I scanned each face, checked for the age in them. Were they my age? Older? When did they take this plunge of marriage? Why did they? More importantly why did I care? Just goes to show, as if to see what kind of lawn your neighbor is grooming, the same can be said for social engagements. I didn’t spend much time talking to everyone there and left before midnight. But I will say that most of the women were wearing a ring on that hand — all ages present. I will never really know if the lack of bare fingers were for accessorizing or were statements of commitment. I was however quite aware (more than usual) that mine was quite naked.

Next stop was an old haunt I have always enjoyed. I met up with a friend of mine from high school. She has always been very independent from men. Fought them even. But while visiting with her I discovered she is moving in with a guy she’s been seeing for almost a year. My initial reaction was shock. She never struck me as the commitment type. But there she was telling me about their first connection with each other and the whole “the rest is history” bit. All the while I was thinking: She of all people? The whole commitment thing? I never asked what held her back before but being her friend I can only imagine that most of the guys just didn’t add up until this one. And that is how I hope it worked for her. It could also be because she is reaching THAT age. The same age I’m soon to face before she even does. And we ain’t getting any younger. I could pretend that all that doesn’t really matter but sometimes it does. It just depends on how you decide to deal with it. Hopefully in her case it’s for an opportunity for a good relationship and not fear of being alone. I didn’t ask all the reasons –  not my business really. But I should have because I just have to know what changed her mind about such things. Unless such things were always a part of her character — and I just didn’t know it.

The “right” (air quotes implied) person doesn’t exactly exist, as I’ve mentioned before. However the wrong ones are ever so present and make themselves known to us more often than the less wrong ones! And even though us single folks out there may have more options in the wrong category, it doesn’t mean we need to take the wrong ones just to not be alone. Which is so easy to do when you aren’t exactly looking. And all you are really seeing is how many people around you are no longer by themselves.