Relationship stupid…

I’m back and kind of to my old self again. If you want to get the skinny on what happened to me over the last few weeks, read it here. Anyway, now that I’m back, I realize that when I started this blog I really had the right idea. Single truly is the new relationship and for the beginning of 2008, I began to have a new relationship with myself and tracked my journey here.  I learned to love myself more. Figure myself out more. And I know that may sound quite sappy to some of you but it isn’t as easy as it seems. It’s not like I’m so completely together right now to not look in the mirror sometimes and say, “Ugh” at myself when I think about all my mistakes so far.

But what I did do was stop obsessing negatively about being single.  I had my bouts of instanity while going through my single reevaluation process, and I am sure some of you have read them here. But overall I believe my mission was accoplished. And maybe a bit too well. Because you see, now I am in a relationship. Who knows for how long but it’s the first in five years. Five. Long. Years. And now that I am in a relationship, I don’t know crap about what I’m doing. I’ve so far pissed this man off so many times I’m surprised we are hitting the three-month mark soon.  I will say he’s not without his own flaws that piss me off but that isn’t the nugget of this point. Here is the list of things I’ve done and some of them you surely shouldn’t do.

• Request the “single” status be removed from his myspace. OK. I know this is juvenile but just let me discuss it in a future post.
• Not being intimate enough when it comes to certain things. I tend to have a guy approach to stuff. I’m not big on fourplay and so what comes off as somewhat pedestrian or not sensitive is really my wanting to cut to the movie and just skip the previews.
• I don’t pat on the back enough. I am a supportive women when it comes to my man but I guess I’m not so good at the validating bit. But should I be? That’s a silly question because I think at times I also need validation. Don’t we all? See. It’s a vicious circle.
• I like to “argue.” To me the best thing in the world for a relationship is making sure the significant other knows when I am not happy with something, or he should tell me when he is not happy with something and in my book that should be an immediate action. that way it doesn’t happen again, an understanding is reached and you don’t sit on your feelings – just ready to explode later. Some call this arguing. I call it discussing.

I’m sure there’s more but you get the point. So much focusing on me has made me miss the bigger picture of what happens when it’s no longer just me. However, if and when I am no longer attached, I will bounce back better knowing that I was more sure of myself now than I ever was before. And that, my friends, is why I don’t regret a thing about my process. And single will always be the one relationship you have to count on because, really, when it comes down to it, if you are alone you don’t have a choice but to count on yourself.

 

My speed-dating experience…CAUGHT ON CAMERA!

So as promised, here is the link to my speed-dating video.

The ridiculousness irony of speed-dating: You have nearly five minutes to make a connection with a stranger but SOOO much can come out of that little time. It’s genius really. But kind of tough too.

Last week Hurry Date was a real gem and let me check out the art that is speed-dating at Lower Greenville’s Stout. I met up with some great guys. They seemed to dig me…

But as is the world of dating, when I took my little scorecard home of my “yes” and “no” matches to plug into the Hurry Date online matching system, only three matched equally with me. I suppose that’s not bad considering that I kind of said yes to most of the guys just to throw my coin in the “eh, you never know” fountain. I’ve contacted one. Haven’t really heard from him yet. Maybe it’s because he didn’t like my wrinkled dress. But it’s early still. I’ll keep you posted.One thing is for sure though. There is no accounting for taste in the jungle that is finding a mate. While taking a little restroom break after my dates, I heard other female daters responses. Let’s just say they weren’t going home with a scorecard full of little circles around their “Y” responses. As me and the team’s assistant editor left the speed-dating establishment, it was those same girls chatting it up with some really unaware guys!Got any ideas for me to survive Valentine’s Day??

Is it asking too much to be able to spell?

My latest match. Would you like to know what he is most thankful for?

Patience

Well that’s nice.

For having lovely family

Well isn’t that sweet? But I think he may have meant loving.

Helath

Yes ladies and gents. Helath. Which I can only guess means health.

Guess where he likes to spend his leisure time? The library and the book store. Did you just spit out your favorite beverage after reading that? Well I did. I’ve got water all over my keyboard. Pass down the paper towels.

Oh and I forgot. He also likes…

workout,watching movies.palying raquet ball, play golf,watching any sport

I cut and pasted that as it is written. And yes. He said palying raquet ball. This must be some new kind of sport. Haven’t you heard?

Man. Am I asking for too much here? At least hit the spell check.

Uh oh. Ambition need not apply…

So. What is wrong with the this picture?

Some Korean guy named “Sol” in North Carolina contacted me on eHarmony today.  He was cute. Short (5′ 6″). But cute. I’m very much a gal who dates all colors, creeds, religions, whatever — when I can get a date that is. And so “Sol” sent these questions. The bolded lines are my answers. He quickly closed me as a match afterwards. When he closed me as a match, the reason he selected was:

“I want to pursue other relationships on eHarmony.”

 

I am convinced, however, that those questions were very pointed. Let’s just face it. Black women, especially strong ones, get a bad rap and can be considered as domineering. I think he was probing to see if I fell in that category. If domineering is an alternate word for “knows what she wants, goes after it, works hard, keeps going” then give me the black leather boots and the mouth gag because dominant is the new passive aggressive.

Getting back in the game?

I get some interesting search engine terms that people plug in to get to this blog. One of them had to do with “dating again.” Well it made me think about an old post I wrote in a prior blog. It’s not a very old post and yet I’ve changed my thought process about getting back into the game. Mainly the part about finding a mate being a goal. Here it is word for word.

What’s funny about finally getting back into the game is right after you lose a round, you want to keep on punching. It’s like you get a boost or something and you say, “Wow, I guess I’m not entirely dead after all.” You say this to yourself as you start really looking again. But sometimes you feel like you don’t want to bother with all that dating crap anymore. Then you think, “Well it [finally functioning as a "normal" member of the dating community] happened before, maybe it can happen again.”
Vicious and nauseating cycle.
Maybe not all of us have this problem…(I’m guessing maybe it’s just weirdos like me) but after a certain age you start seeing this as desperate. However there is just something inside a person who wants to reach a goal that keeps them thirsty.
People say that you shouldn’t look for a mate. You should just go about your normal routine and let fate take its course. They always say that “when you least expect it, you will find the one you may be with the rest of your life.”
I tend to find these assumptions to be bologna. True, this happens. But so do those stupid connections you went out of your way to make.
Sometimes if you meet someone by chance, it can be exhilarating.
Sometimes so much so things fizzle.
Ah but when you’ve sought after it, it feels like a hunt, fight to the finish and what can be more satisfying than knowing you accomplished your mission?
Who am I kidding though? All of this is generally exhausting.
Are arranged marriages THAT bad?
 

Yes. They can be!

I think some of what I wrote still sticks with me. Especially the part of just “letting things happen.” I don’t think that is the way to obtain your “goal” of a relationship. But I think what has to change is your ideas about what your goal is and why you have that goal. And trying too hard is more than just a little pathetic. Since writing that post I think I’ve decided I’d rather not make a relationship a goal but instead realize it’s some kind of icing on a cake I don’t really need to eat but am curious about what kind it is, what it tastes like…and am kind of in the mood for! And I’ve officially stopped looking.

The difference between selfish and focused…

As my previous post suggested, I’m kind of busy. So much so I haven’t even been dating me, myself and I. When I realized that, I pondered for a minute wondering if those who come across this blog find this “single is the new relationship” concept an act of selfishness, narcissistic.

I do kid myself a bit in my about page — I realize and even admit it’s all a bit egocentric. But some of the idea of embracing such an attitude comes from what I mentioned before — being busy. I spend so much of my day pleasing (or trying to please) others. And before I can really enjoy a relationship and say, “Gee, I’m ready to please YET ONE MORE PERSON in my life…”  I’ve had to shake myself silly and ask, “What about me?” Isn’t it time to please yourself? And I don’t mean that as dirty — unless that’s your kind of thing.

I don’t find that selfish when I give so much of myself to others and wonder where I fit in. Having a career, I guess I asked for this. All the while trying to stay focused on not just me personally and how I fit in this world, but on me emotionally. Maybe some of you can relate? So searching out other perspectives of being single, the benefits of being so, I came across this. Yes, yes. Another AskMen.com entry! I found an “article” listing the top 10 benefits of being single, here was number 2.

You can focus on your career

Life is a juggling act in which you have to keep the many elements aloft, paying equal attention to each one. But if you let one drop, you can channel your forces to the remaining parts. In the absence of a relationship, you’ll have much more time to devote to your work. You can put in those extra hours on a project to impress your boss, and even take on something else. And you don’t have to worry about sacrificing your love life, as you’ll be single and vigorous.

But should I/we (those of you in my same boat) be reeling back a bit? Of course there were other benefits listed in the “article,” I only seemed to focus on this one. Because somewhere I have forgotten the other 9, and many of them, to me, missed the mark (like the one saying you are free from nagging — that’s kind of petty.) But number 2, that one I noticed. And I don’t think it’s always a good thing to be so work-filled.

Honest and apparently flowery

I’ve been called a lot of things, but flowery has got to be an all new first for me. You can thank Good Pink Knight  (and I will thank Pink too because maybe this proves a little progress in my attitude) for that comment, which resides in a very kind shout out from Misstress M. Much appreciation to her by the way.

Yes. “Peaches and cream” and “flowery” are foreign terms in my world. I really laughed at the idea that I was accused of being about “I love you and you love me.” Again, laughable but not offensive to me because mostly it’s always been my polar opposite. Actually, I’ve been accused of being too pessimistic all my life. Accused of not seeing all the cliches: “The bright side.” “The silver lining.” “The glass half full…” I would rather say realistic optimist, but whatever.

This concept I’m writing about at this blog,  ”oneness” and “single being the new relationship” may sound really “peaches and cream” and fa la la to some, but it is a better place than the bitterness I lived in just a very short time ago when it came to being alone — hell, not even a year ago! Forgive me Miss Pink but I see this blog as a place to learn how to handle things a little better, for me and hopefully for others. A place to realize things. Discuss things. Not necessarily agree about those things but work towards a better outlook other than the potential doom and gloom of a single situation. I don’t want to be that single girl any more that can’t stand her life because she isn’t paired up.

I’m far from being light. But if that’s the tone of this content, so be it. One thing it is — real. And what I won’t apologize for is being honest.