The Obama effect

I’ve always been an open-minded girl. A lot of people say that, and don’t really mean it. But I’m not a lot of people. I can safely say I’ve dated (or otherwise fill-in-the-blank-ed) every race, religion, color and creed. I have been a walking United Colors of Benetton ad for about 20 years.

That said, I can’t help but feel a little bit hopeful (pun intended) about my dating options with president-elect Barack Obama in office. I mean, if we finally became “brave” enough and open enough to get a black man in the White House, can’t we say the same of our old ideas of dating? This may be kind of a stretch, but humor me a little: What we thought we would never see, now is and as voters, everyone seemed to set aside racial issues (for the most part) and voted their conscious. Why was that so hard? Honestly, this isn’t a post about my political views. In fact, I didn’t really know WHO I wanted to vote for until the very day I pushed the red button to send my choice (early voter…).

Even though Obama is a reflection of how two people can see pass race and/or religion, I’ve always felt being here in the South, that the general standard of acceptance are couples who are only white with white, black with black, Asian with Asian. You get the point. I will always remember in college when one of my exes broke up with me basically because his very Southern, closed-minded parents would have never accepted me. No matter my future or education.

Will that all change now? Will we finally officially take down the barriers we so often put up when it comes to our dating pool? I for one have noticed a slight difference. Of course, some of that could be because I just went shopping and hired a personal trainer. But you never know.
Change may be about more than just our political history. It may be about our bedrooms too…

Or maybe not…Proposition 8, anyone?

No, I don’t want kids. Problem?

A few weeks back I paid a visit to my ear, nose and throat doctor. It is Texas after all and I am always bound to have some kind of ailment. While I was in the freezing waiting room, I began to dose. Every so often I would pop open one eye and kind of look around to see who may have caught me jolting myself awake on occasion when I went too far into sleep. I noticed something as I did this little ritual — I was the only person in the room without a kid on my hip, on my lap or in a seat next to me acting up and hating life in the waiting room while throwing random toys around. First instinct: thank goodness. Second instinct:Why are there so many damn kids in here?

I found myself double checking where I was being that I had only seen this doctor one other time. Does he specialize in pediatrics or am I just not on the “birthin’ babies bandwagon.” Realizing that it must be the latter, I was quite fine not having a slobber machine with me. Don’t get me wrong, I love children. In fact I’m pretty great with kids. The place was filled with cute bundles of joy. And it was filled with the other kind — the ones that grow up and throw ADD fits in a corner while mom is saying, “You aren’t going to get to see Jimmy at tonight’s game if you don’t act right and finish your homework!”

I left the office after my appointment feeling free but weird at the same time. I’m 30. Am I supposed to have already been knocked up? Recently I had a conversation with a married friend. He is always saying, “Oh you say that now” when I say I don’t want children. I always want to say back to him, “No, I say it always.  I don’t.”

And because I am so good with rug rats, I’m often asked, “Why don’t you want any?! You are so good with them.” I’m so good with them because at the end of the day, I don’t have to raise them. You do.

‘About Me’ rewrite…

What a year. I’ve reedited my About Me for the last time (minus the possible change of times, dates, past tense). The fact that I’ve done so more than once this year is quite telling of my journey of singledom and acceptance. If you are new here, read it. If you are a kind of regular reader, get more acquainted with it and get back to me. Did you notice anything different?

My gut gets more action than I do…

Probed. Groped. Felt up. Gawked at. Those actions have been a constant for my stomach and may I say that so much more attention is being paid to that fleshy part of my body than anywhere else. No, this isn’t the result of some crazy fetish, but is a true account of someone who is battling tummy trouble. It has been the key reason (along with my new home ownership) why I haven’t been over here much these past several weeks. I have been enduring constant pain and have gone completely organic as a result. And can I tell you, I never thought I would be so granola in my entire life? Even in cleaning products…

I also partially, if not nearly completely, blame my illness as the reason why I ran off the last guy I was seeing. (No major loss, mind you). He was a real peach for a few weeks after I hit the height of my problems. But when they never went away, I think that it was too much. Which leads me to ruling out feature No. 1 in relationships: If sickness becomes more than health, and your spouse can’t cope, run, lightly jog, or wheel your wheelchair far, far away. I should have known better that a “budding” relationship could not handle it when the other party was too self-absorbed to come along for the bumpy ride.

One thing I have learned from this whole ordeal is the true importance of family. Not long ago I absolutely was ready to pack my bags and risk everything to be in another town, doing something else. But because I have been recently down for the count, my parents have been there, by my side at every step of the way. I can’t imagine being away from them. So now I’ve decided to stay here — commited to Dallas, Texas for the moment but clearly immune (or vacinated) from really wanting a commitment to another person. Oh, have I not mentioned that yet? I feel like I may have backed into a needle pumped full of anti-boy. I just can’t get myself into the thought of wanting to pick up the dating bridle again, geared up and ready for that saddle — which is perfectly fine with me.

But is that normal? To be OK with not ever really wanting to be in a relationship with another person again? Or is it just a phase? Good thing I like the one I have with myself, again, perfectly fine with me. Self-absorption is great when it’s not in tandem!

Like marriage but without the hassle…

I’ve committed myself completely to being a recent homeowner. And like many people who thrive on relationships with another person, I got what I was looking for, am trying to find ways to change it and am sinking hard-earned dough into it. In my eyes, that’s about the same as getting hitched only my home is mine and mine alone whereas a significant other means sharing. Call it selfish but that’s paradise in my book because the commitment I face is to my advantage and when things go wrong, I will fix them without the house groaning at me while trying to improve it. The house has no say on how I dress it up, make it bend to my tastes and desires. The house will surround me as oppose to smother. It will help me build memories to last a lifetime without having to deal with it’s inlaws.

Ok, I realize a house can’t really replace a man but I what I’m saying is that it doesn’t matter and it’s time that 30-year-old single women out there realize that even if you aren’t Carrie Bradshaw,  your days spent being unattached doesn’t have to be painstaking and a downer every time you pass a hand-holding couple or if you go to yet ANOTHER wedding. Our accomplishments have just as much tread and milestone-worthy panache as the average invitation-worthy announcement.

What I seem to keep learning, and even more so as 30 will soon be 31, is the real successes in life are the ones that don’t involve trying to make yourself whole by grasping at what you THINK you need by a certain time-frame. I include tick-tock biological clocks and marriage-frenzied singles in this category. You have to embrace your own accomplishments and hell yes, sometimes that is plenty to keep you warm at night. The real question is if you don’t grab what you think is your “ideal” life which hinges on another person to make your happiness, isn’t it time to find your own?

Making lemonade…

Yadda, yadda. That whole lemonade bit is a pretty generic saying, but I think that’s what I’ve been trying to do over the last month — take all my lemons and make some kick ass lemonade. Maybe spiked with a little bit of Tuaca (only in my mind anyway since I’m officially not drinking anymore). I have not been over to this blog in more than a week because making this lemonade takes time. It takes a lot of sugar and patience. It takes some creativity. It takes acceptance if the concoction ends up a bit bitter and then you have to pour it out and try again.

I’ve made some adult strides in this refreshing, beverage-themed cliche. I got over my commitment issues with 401K (don’t ask and yes I’m silly to only NOW start one up at a company I’ve worked for nearly three years but that’s another story). And as of tomorrow I should be closing on a new home. Well not new. New to me anyway. I know several posts back reflected my giving it all up but somehow the fates have let me try again. Hopefully this time I will get the keys…more on that later, but if you are curious about what happened last time, read this from my other blog.

Getting over a really odd breakup has made me very grateful for a few things — namely gaining my single status though only fleeting for three whole months that I spent with that guy. I feel freer and I don’t have to look over my shoulder, wondering if I’m validating someone enough more than myself. No more of that. Nope, this lemonade is not to be shared. I’m making it myself, with a little love from family, but the fruits of my labor is all mine. And if there is anything I can tell you about considering a relationship with someone other than yourself is to be sure that you are ready to be thrown off your path. It almost happened to me and if I had continued that trek, my lemons would have been to spoiled for consumption.

 

It’s all in the sheets…

There is something to be said about how we perform in bed. But there is also something to be said about the linens we perform in. I have been really reevaluating my linens. I look at what I have and know that most of them came in a bag — you know, Bed in a Bag. They are disguised as comfortable but have since lost their appeal. They bead and are faded. And aside from some super earthy, hippie-type bed covers from Urban Outfitters, most of the comforters and sheets I have are el-cheapo to the extreme. It made me wonder: Does this reflect who I chose to bed and date?

I don’t mean cheap in the monetary or even sleazy sense although I could call sleaze on a number of “winners” I’ve had the displeasure “getting to know” in that less than saintly sense. What I mean is being shorted. The reluctant acceptance of settling. Ignoring how worn out they are and in need of repair. That kind of thing. Not only that, they are kind of filled with all that old karma that I just want to burn them and start over. That would be a great idea if I had enough pocket change to replace all of them. I like options…hum, does that say something about me as well??

They all hold stories and stories of “love,” gosh-awful mistakes and just plain “what the hell were you thinking?!” At times, when I cover my head at night with them, it’s like there are a million people in my bed. Don’t get me started on the mattress. The linens, though…those things see everything while the mattress wonders what is going on but has a real good idea.

I’m big on the karma jazz. I wish that I wasn’t because replacing those damn sheets will be expensive. I am taking up an “I Want to Burn My Sheets” fund. Any takers?

How to get over someone in a hurry…

I’m not playing the jilted gal role to the fullest *insert sarcasm.* I figured some guidance was in order to further my process. And we all know that we must learn from those who have gone to battle for you in order to gain more knowledge and a thicker skin. And of course be more prepared for the pitfalls life has in store.  So here you go, folks. My how-tos on getting over someone – fast.

1. Blog. Blog. And then when you are done blogging, blog more. Sometimes some really great people have nice things to say about what you have written. And you get the occasional funny advice from the peanut gallery. Here’s my favorite. Hint: Read the first comment.
2. Become a regular over in the meetup scene. I was a naysayer at first, but so far the events have been a load of fun, I get to meet new people who make me laugh and I found myself smiling more. Plus your social calendar is ALWAYS full.
3. Be a class act about the rejection. That doesn’t mean that you can’t dish how you REALLY feel over at your personal blog, but just be sure any emails or texts are seething with very matter-of-fact realization that you know it’s over and you will live another day. (Addendum: However, don’t be surprised if the counter reaction from your ex is twice as impersonal than the one you sent.)



4. Make sure you put everything in a box and let them know they will be receiving all their stuff in the mail. Don’t wait longer than a week to do it. Follow through is important here. It’s a cleansing folks. But make sure to sell ANYTHING you really can’t use or doesn’t fit that they bought you. However, keep photos…memories tucked away in a box in the garage can be endearing or at least worth pulling out to laugh later which brings me to No. 5.
5. Make sure you are a real cheeky git and put a photo in the box you are mailing off of the two of you together with a note like, “thought you might still want this” or “this is how I always remeber us.” You may not really mean it (and they may think you have lost it), but if you know your mate is a real masturbater, it will just make you feel good knowing that your face will still be there until someone else wants to bother coming along, and putting up with their crap. Or at the very least, you laugh to yourself that he/she will worry that you may stalk them.
6. Be confident at work about the breakup. Attention cubicle dwellers: It is nearly impossible to cover up a breakup in your office environment. Just suck it up and make sure you let your coworkers know that she/he smelled like pee or something silly so everyone laughs it off and goes back to typing.
7. Get on myspace for grins. Myspace is killer for grins especially if you have some funny people on your list who have something fun to say. OK. Just swallow that pride. Myspace has it’s benefits.
8. TAKE LOTS OF PHOTOS OF YOURSELF. Especially if you are feeling extra cute that day. Every moment you embrace your greatness, is yet another moment you forget that not-so great moment when you decided to let your guard down.
9. Spend more time with your pet and your garden. Yea. This sounds cheesy but nine times out of ten both got kind of neglected if you were busy wasting your time with the wrong guy/girl. They will thank you for it — especially your bitchy cat who didn’t like him/her in the first place.
10. Clean up your place: This means linens, throw pillows — anything that has your ex’s leftover scent. Wouldn’t hurt to spray a little disinfectant on everything as well. Throw everything you can in the wash.

And there you have it. If you have done these ten things, within about two weeks of the break, you will probably forget your ex’s name. Or at the very least, better your life.

I’ve been here before…

Just came home from a night out. I started at Razoos with a cool meetup group I’m still a member of followed by all of us gathering to watch the Sex and the City movie (for some reason, that movie really made me want to take photos in my semi-cocktail dress) and ended the night with drinks at Sherlock’s. Now I know I’m not supposed to be drinking but my colonoscopy isn’t until Monday so I’ve got Sunday to cleanse and nearly die. But tonight was about not caring. I find it too difficult to stay home. Especially when I know that I could be missing out on something. But this is a familiar scene.

I thought relationships were supposed to keep me away from the singles snafu. All it seems to be doing lately is drawing me back to it. And even then, I’m kind of foreign to the protocol just by sheer age. Yea, yea…30 isn’t old. However, it’s old enough to know better.

On a side note: Do see Sex. It’s a great flick although I was kind of disappointed with the ending. If you are die-hard fans, you will know why I was. If you aren’t, you will just say, “eh, it was supposed to end like that.”

I’m not single…now what?

I started this blog. Single as hell. Now I’m not. But I’m not so convinced that I will be married this time next year so I don’t want to kill this blog yet. Until then, I have a Let’s Talk lined up that I’m working on.  I interviewed a very pleasant young lady who squashes the stereotype of being a divorced woman. Look for it soon.

But what should this blog be in transition. I don’t think I have any authority to give advice. As you can read in the post before this one, I’m relationship stupid. But I can definitely give advice on changing your situation. I was surely a naysayer about ever getting back into relationship land. When I finally did, I pretty much mess up at every turn. Not sure I can tell you what to do once you are there, but I can surely help you into getting there in the first place. Should that be the direction of this blog along with interviews of single folks? You tell me. That is, if anyone is still reading. If not, my other blog a writer doding bullets seems much more popular.

Ah, self-deprecation.

Relationship stupid…

I’m back and kind of to my old self again. If you want to get the skinny on what happened to me over the last few weeks, read it here. Anyway, now that I’m back, I realize that when I started this blog I really had the right idea. Single truly is the new relationship and for the beginning of 2008, I began to have a new relationship with myself and tracked my journey here.  I learned to love myself more. Figure myself out more. And I know that may sound quite sappy to some of you but it isn’t as easy as it seems. It’s not like I’m so completely together right now to not look in the mirror sometimes and say, “Ugh” at myself when I think about all my mistakes so far.

But what I did do was stop obsessing negatively about being single.  I had my bouts of instanity while going through my single reevaluation process, and I am sure some of you have read them here. But overall I believe my mission was accoplished. And maybe a bit too well. Because you see, now I am in a relationship. Who knows for how long but it’s the first in five years. Five. Long. Years. And now that I am in a relationship, I don’t know crap about what I’m doing. I’ve so far pissed this man off so many times I’m surprised we are hitting the three-month mark soon.  I will say he’s not without his own flaws that piss me off but that isn’t the nugget of this point. Here is the list of things I’ve done and some of them you surely shouldn’t do.

• Request the “single” status be removed from his myspace. OK. I know this is juvenile but just let me discuss it in a future post.
• Not being intimate enough when it comes to certain things. I tend to have a guy approach to stuff. I’m not big on fourplay and so what comes off as somewhat pedestrian or not sensitive is really my wanting to cut to the movie and just skip the previews.
• I don’t pat on the back enough. I am a supportive women when it comes to my man but I guess I’m not so good at the validating bit. But should I be? That’s a silly question because I think at times I also need validation. Don’t we all? See. It’s a vicious circle.
• I like to “argue.” To me the best thing in the world for a relationship is making sure the significant other knows when I am not happy with something, or he should tell me when he is not happy with something and in my book that should be an immediate action. that way it doesn’t happen again, an understanding is reached and you don’t sit on your feelings – just ready to explode later. Some call this arguing. I call it discussing.

I’m sure there’s more but you get the point. So much focusing on me has made me miss the bigger picture of what happens when it’s no longer just me. However, if and when I am no longer attached, I will bounce back better knowing that I was more sure of myself now than I ever was before. And that, my friends, is why I don’t regret a thing about my process. And single will always be the one relationship you have to count on because, really, when it comes down to it, if you are alone you don’t have a choice but to count on yourself.

 

How soon is too soon for the first date trip?

As you can see, I’ve become that annoying person who is entirely too busy with work, life and now a boyfriend. I’ve always hated people like that. Those who just couldn’t find the time to hang just because they are dating. But I’ve got a really good reason — it’s been five years. Five long years without a viable relationship and I don’t have any qualms telling you all that it’s been that long. So when something of an improvement comes along that is leaps and bounds better than the half-asses that usually come knocking, it’s kind of hard not to get distracted. I will say though: It’s not like my social calendar has been completely disrupted. I don’t seem to get constant texts or phone calls from people vying for my attention other than work so I guess what I’m really neglecting is this here blog. Sorry about that (all five of you reading…)

So here’s the latest. Next week I may possibly be heading up to Vegas with the new guy. I say possibly because I tend to have the weirdest luck and I wouldn’t be surprised if something truly ridiculous happened to hinder my going. Like maybe a freak accident or I get kidnapped or something. And given that Vegas has been the place that in the last few months EVERYONE around me seems to have gone, it just seems unfathomable that I am actually going.

Anyway, we have been dating for about a month. And let me tell you; it doesn’t feel that short and that’s not a bad thing. So I just feel comfortable enough to take this little trip. And let’s face it. How often does one get to go to Vegas? Scratch that question if you are a frequent traveler. But those of you who don’t get to satisfy that wanderlust, as is my situation, the idea is mouth-watering. And it doesn’t hurt that I will be traveling with someone I care about. Here’s my question, though: Given all the “rules” that maybe we shouldn’t invest too much in anyway, is a month kind of soon for a date trip?  You should know that the tickets are already bought so even if you happen to throw up your red stop signs and flags, I’m still going unless we experience a plague of locusts or pigs suddenly sprout wings and escape their slaughterhouse doom. However I do always value your opinions! And I’m pretty happy that being single that long, and finally examining myself, helped me to be confident enough to give this all a chance. 

Another chance to go to prom…

Once upon a time this 30-year-old woman was 17. And she went to prom.

Not just went. I was determined to find a date. Many of my friends were going stag but at the tender age of 17, I was convinced that was NOT the way to go. I thought I just had to have a date. I knew this cute guy who was a grade under me but we were cool and had crushes on each other so I asked him.

However, this would prove to be a mistake of the grandest proportions.

Me and Barry…

Tricked ya. I’m not really dating a guy named Barry. I scored some free tickets from my favorite local radio station and I am confessing right now that I actually went to a Barry Manilow concert last night. When in doubt — go to a concert, I always say. Well, I really don’t say that, but you just never know who you may see there. I went with another single friend who loves Manilow. And may I add that I saw a good crop of good-looking lads — too bad they were looking at each other. Read more…

Show her that you know her…

That is the new catch phrase for a very familiar teddy bear. I was the recipient of such a bear once, clad in nothing else but white boxers with red hearts on them. It’s supposedly a big deal to get one of these on Valentine’s Day. I guess at the time I was pretty happy to get it.Since then, last year in fact, I looked at the thing and realized it was time to get rid of it. It was cute and all but I didn’t really see the need to hang onto it when I know a lot of little girls who may not even have stuffed animals would love it. So I gave it away.

Now when I see the commercials, I snicker a little. These bad boys cost a minimum of $50. Imagine all the $50 teddy bears intended for significant others that end up at Goodwill.

Be my Anti-Valentine…

It’s not that I don’t love the idea of romance. I enjoy a good romantic comedy chick flick on occasion. Notice I said on occasion. However, I just can’t get into the hype of Valentine’s Day.

OK. Before you go “oh well she’s bitter” on this single lady, listen up: We all know this holiday was created to push money in the direction of gifting corporations. As with Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, I just felt pressured all these years to feel like Valentine’s Day was really valid and important — even when I was coupled up. I remember some really interesting V-Day events as a young lassie. Some of which included a bad box of chocolates and botched dinner plans.

Read the rest…

Grocery shopping for more than food

I have heard time and time again that you just never know who you might run into at the grocery store. You can meet people in the darnedest of places, I’ve been told. Stop looking and you just might find. Yadda, yadda…

Well if that’s the case, what do you do when you ARE at the grocery store and someone strikes your fancy? Isn’t it inappropriate, if not considered desperate, to pick someone up at the store? And more to the point, what if it’s someone working there?! Ok. I’ll admit. I have a health food store crush.

I was looking for a particular bottle of wine. I see this very nice looking young man and decide to ask him. Though he said he wasn’t a fan of chardonnay, and didn’t know what I was looking for, he still helped me out by finding someone he thought would be more abreast of such things. And then off he went…

I wanted to say something. But alas, I didn’t. And the person who came to my rescue didn’t even know what wine I was talking about (didn’t help that I didn’t know the name of it, just what the bottle looked like!) and I eventually found it myself. I wandered off to the cheese aisle and on my way, there HE was again.

“Did you find it.” Mr. Gorgeous asked.

“Yes. I did. Thank you.” I chimed.

“Let me see.” He said.

I showed him. He laughed and off he went again. Ah. Opportunity. Why do I fear you?

Dating — on speed

What does a video camera, a guy who doesn’t know about chemistry and Kermit the Frog have in common? They were all part of my exciting speed dating experiment last night at Stout on Lower Greenville in Dallas — courtesy of Hurry Date.

I walked into the bar a little apprehensive but curious. My ssistant editor came out with me to document my speed-dating process. Which was pretty funny considering that while we were waiting for everything to start, about two random Hurry-Daters came over and hit on her big time. Let’s just say she wasn’t all that flattered. She quickly switched one of her rings from the right hand to the left ring-finger to ward off any evil spirits…

When the time came that I got to sit down with these guys, one guy in particular stood out like a sore thumb. He was also one of the guys eyeing Aly like fresh meat on a slab from a far. I won’t go into detail but he was, well, let’s just say interesting. When he asked me what I looked for right away in a connection with a guy, I said something along the lines of “chemistry.”

“What really is chemistry, anyway?” He seemed to ask in a possibly innocent attempt to sound prolific. Hum…I’ll just leave it at that…

During this process everyone is marked with a number they put on their name tags. And you also have a “scorecard.” This is basically where you check “Y” for yes and “N” for no in accordance to the numbers. And during this process of getting to know these guys in all of nearly five-minutes a piece, I start to lose my already failing voice. I must have sounded like across between Kathleen Turner and Kermit the Frog…

At the end of the night, I took my little scorecard and filled out all my “yes” and “no” responses to each guy on Hurry Date’s matching system. You have to wait 24 hours to see who also said yes to you. Seven hours and counting…

I would get into more detail here, but you will just have to wait until the “results show” as they say in reality television lingo and stay tuned to the upcoming video of this loveless “Eligible Editor.”

*insert pity-party inspired long, drawn out sigh here*

Ah, I can just smell the humiliation…

In two short hours I will be on several speed dates. I can thank the folks over at Hurry Date for this opportunity. Because in my line of work self-deprecation means good ratings, we are going to shoot video of my experience in a very tongue-in-cheek and hopefully entertaining way. Stay tuned over the coming days and I’ll post the link here. In the meantime though, since this will be a “documentary” (more like my own mockumentary), I really hope that the guys I will be chatting with won’t feel like it’s all a game. Because you know, in the end, I wouldn’t mind if someone slipped me their business card…and MEAN it. *glances over at stack of useless business cards from strange men*

eHarmony scam…ooops I mean spam!

So I don’t really want to make this blog mainly about my online dating woes. But today eHarmony has given me much to write about. Hopefully by next week I will have a lot more stories of actually meeting REAL people.

Check this profile out. Remember that some of those answers below are predetermined after you take the personality test. The parts about what you are thankful for and what you do on your leisure time are write-ins. Doesn’t this just sniff of spam? Either I’m being spammed with bogus matches to make me feel like I’m all “popular” or someone has hacked eHarmony’s system. Either way, those 29 or so dimensions really seem like a memory…

The guy’s name is BC. Yea. Right…

The one thing bc is most passionate about:

• awesome

The three things which bc is most thankful for:

• apples
• trees
• life

bc’s friends describe him as:

• Ambitious
• Intelligent
• Easy-Going
• Good Listener

Three of bc’s best life-skills are:

• Creating a peaceful, beautiful home environment
• Long-term personal planning
• Achieving personal goals

bc typically spends his leisure time:

• sweet

I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT MY PASSINTATE LATER…

 Hahahahah! This is a good one. This guy is super cute and I’m sure we have nothing in common. But you have to read his “about me.” No words are really needed…

You make your own jokes. However, I would like for you to play a kind of “Where’s Waldo” game with everything he has done wrong here…

 

 

 

Is it asking too much to be able to spell?

My latest match. Would you like to know what he is most thankful for?

Patience

Well that’s nice.

For having lovely family

Well isn’t that sweet? But I think he may have meant loving.

Helath

Yes ladies and gents. Helath. Which I can only guess means health.

Guess where he likes to spend his leisure time? The library and the book store. Did you just spit out your favorite beverage after reading that? Well I did. I’ve got water all over my keyboard. Pass down the paper towels.

Oh and I forgot. He also likes…

workout,watching movies.palying raquet ball, play golf,watching any sport

I cut and pasted that as it is written. And yes. He said palying raquet ball. This must be some new kind of sport. Haven’t you heard?

Man. Am I asking for too much here? At least hit the spell check.

Match found…

Seeing those words in the subject line of my email used to give me a little bit of excitement. I would quickly head on over to see who this mystery guy might be. Now I yawn and say, “These four months can’t end quick enough” and check my account every other day instead of instantly. In the long line of new things I’m trying this year to get back into the dating world, online dating sites are unfortunately on my list. Right now they are kind of on another list that rhymes with quit.

If you check the comments of people on this blog, you will see a few of them credit eHarmony for finding their “special someone.” One of which claims to not be a plant for the popular online dating site.

There are other things that go along with your subscription — the repeat emails. They all seem to say the same thing: Stick this out and we promise you a husband. The buggers lure you with their uplifting speech. They make it all sound like you aren’t making a monetary mistake going with them instead of the other guys. Stuff like this:

Dear Jenice,

Your eHarmony experience is important to us. It’s also important that you understand how eHarmony works and why our process has helped so many people.

If you don’t have a match at this point in your eHarmony membership, this is because we haven’t yet found someone who is a terrific fit for you. But take heart: our system is always automatically searching for matches for you, and over 10,000 people are joining eHarmony each day.

I’m so glad they told me that. Now all of a sudden I have “hope.”

Vaccinate for V-Day

It may be a little early, but I’m starting to cook up Anti-Valentine inspiration. It’s really cheesy but hey, can’t say it isn’t a little fun. Or maybe you can. Anyway, I’m making more this week. I have one coming up that will have a syringe on it. It’s just silly but you never know what singles you may have to buy for this February. The divorce rate spikes after Christmas.

Women can not live without drama…

So there I was. Prime ready for my first event with this singles women’s group. It’s tonight and I’m still going, but yesterday was an odd flurry of emails from this one particluar woman who didn’t seem to have read not only the description of the co-ed pajama party but it also seems she didn’t read the description of the group itself.

She was upset because the pajama party was going to have boys over (it’s not really a sleepover by the way) and said that it never was stated anywhere in the emails or the event info. Not true. She just didn’t put on her reading glasses.

She sent out the most bitchy email to everyone:

Uh oh. Ambition need not apply…

So. What is wrong with the this picture?

Some Korean guy named “Sol” in North Carolina contacted me on eHarmony today.  He was cute. Short (5′ 6″). But cute. I’m very much a gal who dates all colors, creeds, religions, whatever — when I can get a date that is. And so “Sol” sent these questions. The bolded lines are my answers. He quickly closed me as a match afterwards. When he closed me as a match, the reason he selected was:

“I want to pursue other relationships on eHarmony.”

 

I am convinced, however, that those questions were very pointed. Let’s just face it. Black women, especially strong ones, get a bad rap and can be considered as domineering. I think he was probing to see if I fell in that category. If domineering is an alternate word for “knows what she wants, goes after it, works hard, keeps going” then give me the black leather boots and the mouth gag because dominant is the new passive aggressive.

Complain and you sometimes receive

I called the online dating gods this morning and they ended up giving me another month free because I’m kind of disappointed so far. They actually have 24-hour service. Go figure. I guess they have to spend time talking people of ledges or something. I’ve always been a little impatient but that’s no excuse for what that service has scrounged up for me since signing up! So far I’ve received matches who decided that taking a picture with shorts on and no shirt, spread out all Farrah Fawcett style on their couch was a good idea. Some photos look like they were discovered in a pile of rubble that was the early disco era. Some just say silly things like, “I can’t live without my television.” And one guy said, “I’d rather not say,” when he closed me as a match. Hey. I’m cute! Right? Gee whiz.

The military guy on eHarmony pretty much shut me out even though he initiated the communication. I noticed after I answered his questions and sent him my own, he kept updating his profile but never answered my questions. How rude! So I decided to close the match. C’est la vie. I’ll live because he’s down in San Diego anyway and I wasn’t all that interested. Just wanted to broaden my horizons.

 

This will be a year of experimenting. I’ve joined a few groups from Meetup.com: A single chick one, a poetry one and museum one. There are several events going on from each of them this month. I’ll keep you updated as well as post stories and/or photos from each event. They are spread out all over the metroplex and I feel like exploring. I will also take on speed dating on Jan. 23. There should be a video of it too so you can laugh at/with me while I put myself out there.

My “ah geez” moment…

I’m glad I didn’t swear on a stack of Bibles. Wait. I’m agnostic anyway…

What I’m getting at is that I thought I would NEVER pay to play. But I promised myself that this year, after a few months of self-reflection, it’s time to get back into the game. I was very naive to think that just going along in my daily life something would just happen. I did that for half a decade. Though I know that people meet by chance all the time, I’m just not finding myself in situations that it can logically happen. I mean half of my days are spent behind a desk surrounded by women and married men. The other half out in the community I cover and not taking time to really see what’s around me. A little of it spent at a bar or two. Nothing stellar there.

when you least expect it…

Bullshit. That’s not a bitter bullshit coming out of my typing fingers. That’s more like I’ve-fallen-for-this-line-for-five-years bullshit. I think you have to stir up the pot and see what shakes out. This time I’ve decided even though I hate every minute of it, I’m going through with this experiment: Three months each with dating sites, getting together in a few meet-ups and doing a little speed dating. I need a little more spice in my life even if it’s nasty old spice. Gives me something to jot down. And maybe I’ll get some good (safe) nookie in the process. We’ll see…

I’ve dated myself enough. Pampered myself enough. Finally know who I am. Isn’t it time to add another centered person in my life? Or at least someone to buy the popcorn at the movies.

Fending for yourself…

Yesterday a friend from work and I went to the lake by my apartment and walked. I took along my camera as I always do when I walk the lake. Usually alone. My friend had recently discovered the lake and fell in love with the area. She’s not really from here and I guess one day she just went driving, got out and walked…

Anyway this trek of ours wasn’t supposed to be that long. We both decided that before she came to my apartment. As we walked, we yapped about work of course. Where we wanted to be next year. And I snapped a lot of pics. Before we knew it I guess it may have been about 45 minutes and we looked around. I asked her if she wanted to turn back but by the look of her face and my frowned brow we both decided we were too curious and walked some more. However, we were headed nowhere near my apartment.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Or whatever other holidays you celebrate at the moment. I have had my first awkward holiday party moment. I’m sitting next to the family dog at the company Christmas party. The jokester of the office says, “Look, you found a date!”

HO. HO. HO.

Content vs. happy

Let’s break down the definitions:

Content means:

satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

Happy means:

1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.

These two words don’t mean the same thing, exactly. You don’t have to be happy to reach contentment. As I’ve stated early in this blog, I reached a moment of contentment  about being a single chick. I think at that time I really believed that I didn’t need or want anything more when it came to my status. I don’t think I’m the stereotypical scenario of a sad, single woman. I know what I’ve got going for me but let’s face it. It’s the damn holidays. ‘Tis the season of diamond commercials and overtly romantic ideas.

You already know I’m not particularly happy  about not being in a relationship with someone. But what I’ve never said is that I’m generally miserable about the whole thing. A bit miffed? Yes. And more miffed by the second.

Yet another person at work just got engaged. You can only be strong for so long. I guess you don’t really start loathing your not being attached until others around you start getting married — and they are younger than you. Really starts putting things in perspective. You start sniffing yourself to see if you smell…

Single is definitely the new relationship…

I’ll have to look in the mirror and ask that smug face, “What are you going to do about it?”

Loads of firewood…yep, that’s when you “need” a man

It was a lovely Thanksgiving of reflecting and spending time with my family. It was also a lovely 4-day weekend of roaring fires in my modest little apartment. I finished up the Christmas decorating and was inspired by cold whether and smells of pinecones to go out, get some selfish shopping done and load up on firewood.

That is when in happened. It was raining on the way home and actually most of the holiday. And then when I got home, the rain began to drizzle down harder and harder as I lugged my bags up the stairs. Then there was all the wood I stocked up on, waiting and taunting me in the back of my hatchback. And then there it was. That old (quite old) yet familiar pane of “dammit, this would be easier with TWO people.” But I managed. And quite nicely — filling my semi-in shape arms with loads of two for $6 bundles of wood. No help. No whimpering. I just got it done. But I’m not gonna lie. I was kind of wishing some dude was inside waiting for me so he could gallantly come hustling down the stairs to my “rescue.” Yea. I’ve mentioned this Winter Fever before I think so forgive the dramatic picture.

Mostly I just wanted some oaf to help. Any oaf. Gallant or not. Mine or not.  Can you pay someone for that? Oh and not have to pay for a happy ending?

Winter fever

It’s true. If a woman wants to get laid, all she need do is breath in the direction of a guy she’s got her eye on and the deal is sealed. I don’t have hard facts or articles to link to this so don’t look for some. Eh. It just is…

So when I started drooling over John Edwards, I knew that something was starting to turn seriously awry. I must need to get laid. I will say that as of late I haven’t really thought about it thoroughly really. I don’t wake up every day craving it. Needing it. Wondering about it. It’s just that I usually know when what I call winter fever starts to hit. To me it’s worse than spring fever. That time of year never affected me. No, it’s those times of year when it’s all cold outside and you want to get all toasty inside. The season of building intimate fires to keep warm and cream liquor flowing in glass tumblers. I think John is only the peak before the crescendo.  The last time this happened, well…Anyway.

I’ve changed so much since my winters of yesteryear. Casual sex and I will never cross paths again — I don’t think. Well all I know is that I still fear all the risks. Is it goofy to wait for “love?” Yes. It surely is. Maybe waiting for “not the guy I just met” is more feasible in today’s times.  I do believe putting my health first before whims of emotion or desire. And I choose to put my worth ahead of choosing a brief encounter. It took so very long to realize it wasn’t worth it.

So what now?

Well, thank the goddess for reoccupation after all…

Should you just stay home?

When I was quite a bit younger I always thought it was better to have a very large pool of friends. That meant that on any given night I may have gone out with three or more friends at tow. Today that kind of thing isn’t really the case anymore.

Many friends have moved away, drifted, lost common interests – so now what friends that I have left are what many people call associates –  not really that close but hang out from time to time. And I have my workmates or what close friends that stuck around through my ever-changing life. What happens though when you get older is that many of the friends left are in the middle of relationships, having children, getting married…

When you are single, those things are strangers to you. When you are confidently single those things can still shake your contentment with being alone. One of the reasons for this is what I encountered last night. Many people I know had decided to settle in with spouses and pass out candy to the Halloween trick-or-treaters. Some I didn’t call because I knew they are “dating” and nothing makes a person more flaky than a new relationship! But I’m not one to sit around and wait for things to happen. I decided to venture out on my own last night.

Some of you reading this may say why in the hell would you want to go somewhere alone? But why not? There’s no one to babysit. No one to drive home. No one to keep tabs on but yourself. And I’m happy to report that I had a great time heading out solo. Which has been the case before when I’ve made such a decision because I’m a strong advocate of not waiting around for someone to feed your happiness. You have to do this all on your own. You can’t always depend on people to share your enthusiasm of things and you can’t force them to always come along.

Instead of playing a tiny violin at your pity party next time you find yourself with possible plans but no one around to join you, go out on a limb and try it on your own. And if you are female (though males can be in danger too I guess if out alone at night!) follow these very obvious steps.

• Don’t get plastered. You don’t want to be the lonely person at the bar getting hammered. And more importantly, staying a bit more sober ensures you won’t have poor judgement come 2 a.m. Don’t let me go there…
• Walk to your car with your head up and look around at all times. Keep your keys out and look like you just pissed yourself. That facial expression alone will ward off potential harassers!
• Don’t get too comfy even if you are having a blast. Just one quick lapse in judgement can cost you a purse — or a wallet.
• Keep your class tightly in your hand — never leaving your side. Even if you have to put it on the toilet paper dispenser when you have to excuse yourself to the restroom..
• Remember to have fun. Don’t sit around worrying and feeling self-conscious about being by yourself. Sometimes it pays off in meeting new people. Some may even be alone themselves.

The bottom line is that if given the choice of attending an interesting party alone or staying at home ALONE because no one wanted to tag along, why would anyone want to sit around? Please prove me wrong if you don’t agree. I want to hear your opinions. Me? I would have been wondering what I was missing and isn’t getting out into the world one of the major points of life?

BaltAmour mention

If you are like me and aren’t from Baltimore, make sure you tell Maryann James, writer for the singles blog BaltAmour, hello. The 20-something is a copy editor for the The Baltimore Sun. And she keeps a real pulse on the dating scene there. She also has given a few mentions to this blog over at her own.

Stop by and engage in the convo. It’s fresh, entertaining and I only hope to be half the blogger she is right now!!

Jab, bob and leave

I tried a little experiment last week.

I’ve been reading a lot — OK, OK, the reading was on AskMen.com — about how today’s women are super independent, make their own money, handle their stuff (all that wonderful feminist banter we have come to know and love) but the complaint has been that these women are still not asking out men. And as I pushed on, search engines seemed to bring up numerous links addressing a variation of the following question, “Why don’t women ask men out?”

I disagree but only slightly because I believe that a man should take the lead at some point but not necessarily at the start. So being that I was at an event that just happened to be at a bar, I fulfilled the bar-meet-up stereotype — only I stepped up to the guy first. And I even decided to approach him as a guy would with the whole jab, bob and leave routine.

Scenario:

I said hello. Easy enough. Then I proceeded to sweet-talk him into buying a raffle for the benefit I was there supporting. When he said he hadn’t any cash and that he paid for his wristband with a check (geez), I just quickly said, “Well, I’ll get the raffle and you can just buy me a drink.” Mission accomplished and with a large grin, I might add.
The next thing I made sure of was to only keep the small talk short. When I received my drink, I said “I’ve got to get back to my friends but how about I leave you my number?”
He does one better and gives me his phone and I enter my digits.
Then he says, “If you get tired of your friends, you are welcome to come back.”
After I walked away and sat with my friends, I noticed he kept trying to hold the chair I was previously using as an anchor during our chat.

Should you have to pay to play?

What happened to fate and chance? Oh yea, it got lost somewhere between our grab-a-quick-latte-rushing-to-work-meetings-working-weekends-running-errands-you-get-the-idea way of life. Times (as they have the habit of doing) have really changed and online dating companies make millions (if not more) on the busy single folks.  Want to know how much? Well me too. I’ll admit my limited research didn’t turn up much more than something about Yahoo! and it’s profits so far.

But consider these prices from Consumer Search:

$30 per month (est.) for Match.com

$50 per month (est.) for Chemistry.com

$60 per month (est. though you can get discount codes) for eHarmony

And consider that singles are on the rise according to the U.S. Census.

 92 million
Number of unmarried and single Americans 18 and older in 2006. This group comprised 42 percent of all U.S. residents 18 and older.

Combine the two and you know there’s a goldmine. Just Google the phrase “online dating sites” you will see tons of links on how to start your own. Preying on the unattached is now a very profitable business showing no signs of slowing down anytime soon. But why should we have to pay to meet someone?

Just because it’s on sale, you don’t have to buy it

Those words of wisdom came from The Loudmouth Protestant, one of my readers at my other blog.  I’ve got to thank LMP for her stating that phrase I’m using in the title of this post.

It was in response to a post I wrote about the burden of when someone in your past wants back in your life. And what you should do about it. As this saying obviously says, you are shopping and see something on sale and available — but do you need it?

This may seem like a quite pedestrian comparison, but I like it and it makes sense. There are so many romantics out there and I’m sure you are groaning at such a metaphor. Hey, sometimes you just need a good metaphor!I think when you are single, it can just get tempting to go back to the familiar — someone who you once had a relationship. But I say be careful on your shopping excursion. Does the outfit fit at all? Does it compliment the rest of your wardrobe? It may be on sale now, but why didn’t you purchase it before if it was a true ”must have?” Are you buying it just because you need something new and not because you need it? Sure it’s not perfect, but does it even suite you? Once you have pondered all that, the answer will probably become clearer for you. It did for me. And just because many people would choose being a couple over being confidently single, doesn’t mean you have to go snatch up the first sight of a potential reunion. Be careful and look at it with the eyes of “is this something I need in my life?”

That said, there’s nothing wrong with browsing, trying on and looking at your potential purchase in the mirror. But before you take out your heart and risk the purchase, be sure. And don’t be afraid of the alternative — being uncommitted to the excursion all together and going home without anything on your arm. It just leaves room for more opportunity at another time.

Don’t fool yourself: There is no Mr./Miss Right

But there is Mr./Miss I Hope I Will Be Able to Stand You This Time Next Year.  Mr./Miss Well At Least You Are Better Than My Last One. And  Mr./Miss At Least You Don’t Snore. Of course I’m being a little facetious but let’s get real. This may not be a news flash, but Mr./Miss Right does not exist. So let’s stop looking for them. Don’t sit here and read this and say you don’t or didn’t. I think everyone can admit that at some point we have all searched out the unattainable “right.” Even though we all know it isn’t possible, I think there is a part of us that still wants to keep hope alive, so to speak.

I think we need to dissect the difference between “right” and “acceptable.” Maybe acceptable sounds like settling. It isn’t. It’s realistic. Right means perfect. It means, “My type is tall, doesn’t lie, has a great sense of humor, sense of duty, great smile, cute, handsome, great with kids, good job…etc.” Please correct me but does this person exist? The person that checks out on every line of your “list” of great qualities? Usually if this person does exist and seems to fit the bill, there is something you didn’t see lurking on the well-crafted paper. Something that you may have missed and only get to see once you are in it — and in it good. Hence, there can not be a Mr./Miss Right.

We were fed the story of Mr./Miss Right at an early age. And hopefully today’s generation has more open eyes. We were told that “your soul-mate is out there — searching for you too.” We were  told “there is someone for everyone.” But who is to say that your “true love” is only one person. For your whole life the fact that only one person on this entire planet is your perfect fit is the stuff of fairytales. And in fact who we encounter everyday are tiny pieces of what we would consider perfection. As if we could build the perfect being, we would take this person’s attitude, that person’s great way with people, this person over here’s great dimples. Each person we meet is a piece of a greater whole — just not encompassed in one. And in turn some of the characteristics you seek are really what you seek for yourself internally.

If you sat down and wrote what you really wanted in a mate, you may discover that what you truly wanted is either what you encompass already in yourself or are traits you would like to posses. If it is the latter, maybe the real challenge is trying to attain those characteristics you seek – those tiny special requests on your list — for your soul first. Not a ”soul” mate.

 Well, minus the dimples (if you don’t already have them.)

Honest and apparently flowery

I’ve been called a lot of things, but flowery has got to be an all new first for me. You can thank Good Pink Knight  (and I will thank Pink too because maybe this proves a little progress in my attitude) for that comment, which resides in a very kind shout out from Misstress M. Much appreciation to her by the way.

Yes. “Peaches and cream” and “flowery” are foreign terms in my world. I really laughed at the idea that I was accused of being about “I love you and you love me.” Again, laughable but not offensive to me because mostly it’s always been my polar opposite. Actually, I’ve been accused of being too pessimistic all my life. Accused of not seeing all the cliches: “The bright side.” “The silver lining.” “The glass half full…” I would rather say realistic optimist, but whatever.

This concept I’m writing about at this blog,  ”oneness” and “single being the new relationship” may sound really “peaches and cream” and fa la la to some, but it is a better place than the bitterness I lived in just a very short time ago when it came to being alone — hell, not even a year ago! Forgive me Miss Pink but I see this blog as a place to learn how to handle things a little better, for me and hopefully for others. A place to realize things. Discuss things. Not necessarily agree about those things but work towards a better outlook other than the potential doom and gloom of a single situation. I don’t want to be that single girl any more that can’t stand her life because she isn’t paired up.

I’m far from being light. But if that’s the tone of this content, so be it. One thing it is — real. And what I won’t apologize for is being honest.