My best friend’s wedding

I wasn’t there for it.
Actually it was really a Justice of the Peace thing and she plans to have a real ceremony sometime later in the year. I really hope she does because I feel like a rite of passage has now come and gone without my witnessing it. The day we both thought I would see first — marriage. It’s a rite of passage not because of her being a new bride but because the two of us, now in our third decade of life, had a pact to be there for one another for things such as this.

I wanted to be there for her. But I couldn’t. She lives a few states away and our schedules are impossible. It’s weird considering her a wife now. It was also weird at first seeing her as a mother but when she had her son I saw she was born to be one. Now that she has added wife to her title, that’s one that will take some adjusting. I remember all our talks about marriage, dating…how men “just didn’t get it.”

Now she’s wed. And she is the last of my close friends to take this leap. I wish her well but wonder how long it will take before it might just bother me — being the last. Maybe it already does? Maybe it doesn’t matter. I can keep up the most brave face I can possibly muster, and convince myself that I’m still OK with being single. But I waver. I am also just human.

Marriage keeps rearing its ugly head

No matter how hard I try to fight it, I’m approaching 31 as of 49 days from now, give or take some hours. And the fact remains, to be over 30 and not ever married makes you a marked woman. When men approach this age and are never married, we tend to just shrug it off as a guy who is still “sewing his oats” or got so career-minded he seemed to have forgot to find a great gal and marry her. When women get to this point, we tend to shake our head, label her and decide she must be damaged goods. You may be sitting there  in absolute disagreement but don’t deny it. Women in there 30s still single, never married, seems to be an oddity in concept but surely increasing in numbers.

Being a photographer, I know find myself always surrounded in weddings. I love to shoot them. They are beautiful and the girly-girl in me gets kind of goofy in all the flutter and tulle. But for some reason, while I’m shooting, I don’t really get emotional about the vows and the rings and the words…words…words…That’s all they are until you get home and spend about seven years with the person. Then I wonder do people remember those words they said in front of family, friends, random plus ones and our God of many names.

So far I’m pretty much the last of my old-school friends who isn’t married, engaged or practically married and I will admit it feels kind of weird. I’m not sure what I really see in a marriage other than the fact that two people can coexist with each other, support each other and keep a 50/50 playing field. I always imagined a marriage for myself as one where the two of us play hard, work hard and if we go to bed angry, we wake up having the makeup. That’s probably very unrealistic because it’s so simple and nothing is simple.

Self-discovery isn’t overrated. I feel we all need time alone to even know what the hell we want or even who in the world we are. Sometimes that takes a while. And sometimes when you find all of that, your life can hit a reset button and you start all over again. The question is, do we do alone?

The Obama effect

I’ve always been an open-minded girl. A lot of people say that, and don’t really mean it. But I’m not a lot of people. I can safely say I’ve dated (or otherwise fill-in-the-blank-ed) every race, religion, color and creed. I have been a walking United Colors of Benetton ad for about 20 years.

That said, I can’t help but feel a little bit hopeful (pun intended) about my dating options with president-elect Barack Obama in office. I mean, if we finally became “brave” enough and open enough to get a black man in the White House, can’t we say the same of our old ideas of dating? This may be kind of a stretch, but humor me a little: What we thought we would never see, now is and as voters, everyone seemed to set aside racial issues (for the most part) and voted their conscious. Why was that so hard? Honestly, this isn’t a post about my political views. In fact, I didn’t really know WHO I wanted to vote for until the very day I pushed the red button to send my choice (early voter…).

Even though Obama is a reflection of how two people can see pass race and/or religion, I’ve always felt being here in the South, that the general standard of acceptance are couples who are only white with white, black with black, Asian with Asian. You get the point. I will always remember in college when one of my exes broke up with me basically because his very Southern, closed-minded parents would have never accepted me. No matter my future or education.

Will that all change now? Will we finally officially take down the barriers we so often put up when it comes to our dating pool? I for one have noticed a slight difference. Of course, some of that could be because I just went shopping and hired a personal trainer. But you never know.
Change may be about more than just our political history. It may be about our bedrooms too…

Or maybe not…Proposition 8, anyone?

No, I don’t want kids. Problem?

A few weeks back I paid a visit to my ear, nose and throat doctor. It is Texas after all and I am always bound to have some kind of ailment. While I was in the freezing waiting room, I began to dose. Every so often I would pop open one eye and kind of look around to see who may have caught me jolting myself awake on occasion when I went too far into sleep. I noticed something as I did this little ritual — I was the only person in the room without a kid on my hip, on my lap or in a seat next to me acting up and hating life in the waiting room while throwing random toys around. First instinct: thank goodness. Second instinct:Why are there so many damn kids in here?

I found myself double checking where I was being that I had only seen this doctor one other time. Does he specialize in pediatrics or am I just not on the “birthin’ babies bandwagon.” Realizing that it must be the latter, I was quite fine not having a slobber machine with me. Don’t get me wrong, I love children. In fact I’m pretty great with kids. The place was filled with cute bundles of joy. And it was filled with the other kind — the ones that grow up and throw ADD fits in a corner while mom is saying, “You aren’t going to get to see Jimmy at tonight’s game if you don’t act right and finish your homework!”

I left the office after my appointment feeling free but weird at the same time. I’m 30. Am I supposed to have already been knocked up? Recently I had a conversation with a married friend. He is always saying, “Oh you say that now” when I say I don’t want children. I always want to say back to him, “No, I say it always.  I don’t.”

And because I am so good with rug rats, I’m often asked, “Why don’t you want any?! You are so good with them.” I’m so good with them because at the end of the day, I don’t have to raise them. You do.

‘About Me’ rewrite…

What a year. I’ve reedited my About Me for the last time (minus the possible change of times, dates, past tense). The fact that I’ve done so more than once this year is quite telling of my journey of singledom and acceptance. If you are new here, read it. If you are a kind of regular reader, get more acquainted with it and get back to me. Did you notice anything different?

Is being alone all that bad?

I have been slacking on this blog. But not so much when it comes to commenting on previous posts here, namely the ones about today’s negative belief in women. Just look at the most popular posts on the right of the page and you will see they have to do with Tom Leykis. But not really just about him –  this new (ish) view of marriage, women and feminism. It’s all very stimulating and I find the male responses to be more than a little insightful –  it’s very exciting in a sad/interesting/enlightening way. And the more that I read into what these men are saying, the more I keep asking myself: Is being alone all that bad?

When did all of this relationship stuff get so damn complicated? When did we become enemies of ourselves and of each other’s sex? What happens to a world filled with people who pretty much say, “I can do bad all by myself” or “I’m much better off alone”? I’ve become one of those people — reluctantly I guess. I realize now that I will probably be alone but I don’t cry about it. Ask me 10 years ago and I would have thought it was the end of the world. Instead I see it as another hurdle I need to face, overcome and move on — mainly because I see even more now that men in general don’t seem to see/want the same things I do. And if they do, nine times out of ten they are married. And they may only seem to go my direction because they are looking for some diversity and I don’t mean race/culture. I mean distractions from reality — their own private Idaho they don’t always want to come home to.

Being that I’m not the type to go after a married man, but tend to be apathetic at the wrong times, this just means I get to let them vent. I’m always left wondering, “How did THEY get there?” I have yet to see what the big deal about marriage is! So far all I’ve learned from other people’s marriages is that freedom is sweet. And that I’m lucky not to have to worry about kids because nine times out of ten an unhappy marriage stays together for the kids’ sake. How sad! Who wants to live like that?

Ultimately, or usually, people who date long-term turn to each other after an average of about three years and ask, “Now what?” Planning that wedding becomes the answer and believe me, I’ve been guilty of that. I’ve been engaged twice. And I guess I’ve always just figured I failed. But maybe I escaped? Maybe I’m just free to live the life I should and would have never had if I was shackled and knocked up.

So: Is being along all that bad? And is it just a reflection of our bitterness toward each other as human beings? OK: Woman got too independent. Men stop needing us for anything more than sex. These are statements I’ve ACTUALLY heard. What do you think?

How Tom Leykis makes those millions…

Radio shock jock Tom Leykis has found the right formula to make sure he keeps himself bathing in millions –  just the perfect amount of guidance, relatable anecdotes for the “average” guy who can’t stand his current relationship but needs help out of it and more than a dash of painting women as whores. Like I’ve said before, I listen. Do I listen all day? No. For all I know someone has called in and blasted my ass on the air for even daring question Tom’s motives. However, his show usually catches me at drive-time home from my JOB by the way. Did I not mention. I do have one. Something that Leykis would probably be surprised about since he believes the average woman is on welfare and just waiting to bait a man with pregnancy in order to be taken care of — something I would jump off a cliff before EVER letting happen. I find myself, no matter how awful some of the things he says, turning up my radio, sometimes laughing my butt off at the idiots who call in and at least once a week agreeing with Leykis — much to my dismay. In fact sometimes it makes me feel dirty when I do.

The reason I’m ranting is that my February post about Tom and the average guy has been gaining some steam lately. The last commenter made sure to lump me in the category of the kind of chick that Leykis talks about which is pretty funny considering a lot of the posts I’ve written here on this blog. But really, I can’t blame him. He obviously just Googled Tom Leykis, found my blog, and neglected to dig deeper. I’ve encountered and despise the kind of woman that fuels this hatred.  And it makes me sick that it ruins it for the rest of us. I’m not perfect but I’m sure no one is unless you ask faithful listeners who will say Leykis (or “Dad” as many fans call him) is perfection reincarnated from Jesus. But there are listeners who aren’t necessarily fundamentalists of “Dad.” Make sure to read Shaun’s comment over at the aforementioned post I wrote earlier this year. He makes a very reasonable point about Leykis being the result of the options and lifestyle of today’s male. I specifically like this point:

There is simply little incentive outside of cultural or religious pressures for young men to get married. The single life plays into men’s social and sexual tendencies as well, as males have always been satisfied as rogues in society, perfectly satisfied with mistresses and extra-marital affairs for centuries. In essence, I don’t think that Tom Leykis is an influence on modern male sociology as much as he is an open reflection of it.

That makes perfect sense, unfortunately. The world of today just doesn’t lend itself to a plausible reason for marriage…though I would argue that isn’t just in the case of men but women as well.

But I still have to drive home the point that we can’t lump everyone, even when the exceptions to the “rule” are few and far between. I’m sure there are times I wasn’t the most wonderful in my relationships — quite sure. But one thing I never expected out of them was to be tolerated as I sit on my rear, waiting to be doted over and not lifting a finger to help out in any way. That’s just not how I was brought up and I pride myself on my Independence and ability to look after myself. That said, I AM a woman –  but really, I don’t always roar. It has been said that Tom is the original feminist but even I (a real woman last I checked) have my moments of femininity because honestly I do have estrogen after all. Nothing I can do about that. And he makes it quite clear that the overbearing, non-feminine type of woman is to be avoided but the very thing that makes us so feminine can really at times be the very thing Tom shuns. I shutter to think at that conundrum.

I’m just fine in my skin — with or without a guy on my arm. And I think there are many women who feel the same. I just can’t seem to understand why the die-hard listeners can’t just see that Tom is what several people have noted in my February post — an entertainer. But the younger generation that listens to him is where I have often scratched my head. On one hand, I love what Tom tells them because it pretty much means that they will never want to even think about getting married too young or knocking up some less-than-ready-to-be-a-mom teen or being just plain careless. But on the other, those impressionable men are going to grow up hating women, just use them to get laid and then running like hell (or force an abortion) when/if the woman gets pregnant. And while I agree with the madness, I don’t like the method.

Once upon a time, I did the Leykis 101 bit before I even listened or knew who the hell he was. I didn’t go ANYWHERE without my favorite, well let’s just say protection. I got what I wanted, when I wanted it, every time I wanted it but at SOME point, don’t you have to grow up and figure out another way to exist without seeing people as a depository for sexual release and non-emotional attachments? And that doesn’t necessarily mean getting married or starting a family or even being serious with someone all of the time just to feel validated. It just means respecting yourself, and yes, I will say it…respecting others. What a f-ing concept.

Do women need men for safety?

That may seem like a very pre-feminist movement question. A resounding “What a ludicrous question!” can be heard at this very moment from the tops of every fem-movement mountain top as I type this.

But given the acceptance of not really seeing anyone and also being a new homeowner, I have started to ponder this conundrum. Did I feel safer knowing I was living around men in apartments than I do living next door to other single women? Unfortunately, yes. And I’m a bit ashamed to admit it. Granted, the people I’m surround by are very alert. Plus I’m not sure it’s more of a thing that with apartments you are surrounded by others than it really being about living next to men. One thing I can safely admit is that even with an alarm system, a neighbor with a dog, my own alert behavior when coming home later at night, I still wonder if I would feel more at ease with a man around.

So what do you do when you don’t have one around? You man up. You stay cautious in addition to help your neighbors out and they will in turn help you. But I still am scratching my head on how safe that makes me feel. Many feminists (if they aren’t anti-gun activists) “man up” with a gun, a notion I have thought about often but never found myself in the way of a real gun owner. And isn’t that terrible? I say “man up” and associate that with a deadly weapon. The two are not connected necessarily but see how I made that connection? We at times marry masculinity with violence and quite possibly that is another reason I’m reverting to June Cleaver a little bit with this topic. And it is obviously ironic in that I’m asking the question of the correlation of safety and having a guy around but making note that violence can also be attributed to the male species. What a quandary. I’m a victim of old ideals meshing with new thought and a change in lifestyle.

But I sincerely would like your opinon.

My gut gets more action than I do…

Probed. Groped. Felt up. Gawked at. Those actions have been a constant for my stomach and may I say that so much more attention is being paid to that fleshy part of my body than anywhere else. No, this isn’t the result of some crazy fetish, but is a true account of someone who is battling tummy trouble. It has been the key reason (along with my new home ownership) why I haven’t been over here much these past several weeks. I have been enduring constant pain and have gone completely organic as a result. And can I tell you, I never thought I would be so granola in my entire life? Even in cleaning products…

I also partially, if not nearly completely, blame my illness as the reason why I ran off the last guy I was seeing. (No major loss, mind you). He was a real peach for a few weeks after I hit the height of my problems. But when they never went away, I think that it was too much. Which leads me to ruling out feature No. 1 in relationships: If sickness becomes more than health, and your spouse can’t cope, run, lightly jog, or wheel your wheelchair far, far away. I should have known better that a “budding” relationship could not handle it when the other party was too self-absorbed to come along for the bumpy ride.

One thing I have learned from this whole ordeal is the true importance of family. Not long ago I absolutely was ready to pack my bags and risk everything to be in another town, doing something else. But because I have been recently down for the count, my parents have been there, by my side at every step of the way. I can’t imagine being away from them. So now I’ve decided to stay here — commited to Dallas, Texas for the moment but clearly immune (or vacinated) from really wanting a commitment to another person. Oh, have I not mentioned that yet? I feel like I may have backed into a needle pumped full of anti-boy. I just can’t get myself into the thought of wanting to pick up the dating bridle again, geared up and ready for that saddle — which is perfectly fine with me.

But is that normal? To be OK with not ever really wanting to be in a relationship with another person again? Or is it just a phase? Good thing I like the one I have with myself, again, perfectly fine with me. Self-absorption is great when it’s not in tandem!

Like marriage but without the hassle…

I’ve committed myself completely to being a recent homeowner. And like many people who thrive on relationships with another person, I got what I was looking for, am trying to find ways to change it and am sinking hard-earned dough into it. In my eyes, that’s about the same as getting hitched only my home is mine and mine alone whereas a significant other means sharing. Call it selfish but that’s paradise in my book because the commitment I face is to my advantage and when things go wrong, I will fix them without the house groaning at me while trying to improve it. The house has no say on how I dress it up, make it bend to my tastes and desires. The house will surround me as oppose to smother. It will help me build memories to last a lifetime without having to deal with it’s inlaws.

Ok, I realize a house can’t really replace a man but I what I’m saying is that it doesn’t matter and it’s time that 30-year-old single women out there realize that even if you aren’t Carrie Bradshaw,  your days spent being unattached doesn’t have to be painstaking and a downer every time you pass a hand-holding couple or if you go to yet ANOTHER wedding. Our accomplishments have just as much tread and milestone-worthy panache as the average invitation-worthy announcement.

What I seem to keep learning, and even more so as 30 will soon be 31, is the real successes in life are the ones that don’t involve trying to make yourself whole by grasping at what you THINK you need by a certain time-frame. I include tick-tock biological clocks and marriage-frenzied singles in this category. You have to embrace your own accomplishments and hell yes, sometimes that is plenty to keep you warm at night. The real question is if you don’t grab what you think is your “ideal” life which hinges on another person to make your happiness, isn’t it time to find your own?

Making lemonade…

Yadda, yadda. That whole lemonade bit is a pretty generic saying, but I think that’s what I’ve been trying to do over the last month — take all my lemons and make some kick ass lemonade. Maybe spiked with a little bit of Tuaca (only in my mind anyway since I’m officially not drinking anymore). I have not been over to this blog in more than a week because making this lemonade takes time. It takes a lot of sugar and patience. It takes some creativity. It takes acceptance if the concoction ends up a bit bitter and then you have to pour it out and try again.

I’ve made some adult strides in this refreshing, beverage-themed cliche. I got over my commitment issues with 401K (don’t ask and yes I’m silly to only NOW start one up at a company I’ve worked for nearly three years but that’s another story). And as of tomorrow I should be closing on a new home. Well not new. New to me anyway. I know several posts back reflected my giving it all up but somehow the fates have let me try again. Hopefully this time I will get the keys…more on that later, but if you are curious about what happened last time, read this from my other blog.

Getting over a really odd breakup has made me very grateful for a few things — namely gaining my single status though only fleeting for three whole months that I spent with that guy. I feel freer and I don’t have to look over my shoulder, wondering if I’m validating someone enough more than myself. No more of that. Nope, this lemonade is not to be shared. I’m making it myself, with a little love from family, but the fruits of my labor is all mine. And if there is anything I can tell you about considering a relationship with someone other than yourself is to be sure that you are ready to be thrown off your path. It almost happened to me and if I had continued that trek, my lemons would have been to spoiled for consumption.

 

A relationship lesson: Avoid the Idealizer

It never occurred to me but I seem to have been in a real pattern of dating the same kind of guy. It surprisingly wasn’t that apparent until I recently received a comment from a fellow single blogger named Elsie. She was discussing the type of guy she has come across time and time again: The Idealizer.

It is a word that surely should have a place in the dictionary with photographs of my last three “serious” relationships. Their common thread is always the same: surround you in gifts, have dreamy ideals of what the relationship is or should be or WILL be before you have even hit six months into it and when the expectations aren’t perfect, they bolt.

Here is a snippet of Elsie’s observations of such a gem:

“I’m just making inferences here, but this guy sounds like what I call an idealizer, that seeming Prince Charming who showers you with attention until you’re hooked (usually lasts no longer than three months), then rapidly loses interest when reality sets in…I will say this, though: I’ve come to believe that men like that don’t want a real relationship. They want the excitement of romance and all that comes with it. It’s not that they’re ‘just not that into you.” They’re ‘just not that into’ anybody!”

I kind of started looking back at my laundry list of men. And she was quite right. All of them started and ended about the same — way too fast. It kind of gets to be a sticky situation…like quicksand or something.

I am not known to be a very patient kind of gal, I will admit, but I can say most of my past guys have rushed things when there really wasn’t a reason to hit the finish line at record pace. I remember trying to put the brakes on and the insisting began, I gave way and then tried my best not to look back when the relationship faltered as a result.

It is truly a lesson learned and by the third round, I should know better the next time. I’ll know what to look out for — at least I hope. And if you are a single girl like me, I want to give you a list of what to be aware of before you get too serious with one of these idealizer chaps.

1. Don’t give in to presents too quickly in the relationship. Believe me, it’s nice and all, but shoes can’t comfort you in times of need. Wait. That’s not right. Some shoes kind of can…

2. Don’t do the “get away” too quickly. I have learned a lot from my Vegas saga and realized that places like Vegas will still be around, with our without a guy to take me!

3. Early talk of how great you are is wonderful. But if you have only been dating two weeks and he talks to you like you have roped the moon, RED ALERT.

4. In that same turn, if he needs constant validation, realize that is not your job. There is a time and place for everything, but if you have to constantly validate there is doom ahead. And really, isn’t validation at every turn to be left at your job and not your relationship? That kind of pressure should not be a part of a couple!

5. Steer clear for the super-ambitious guy. Life is short. It’s wonderful to have a guy with drive, but if he’s trying to tackle 10 things at once in the name of fame/glory/power/reputation, you can’t possibly fit in that equation.

I’m no expert. But more than 10 years (ah geez) of this, I should have learned something by now, right?!

Putting it all out there…

I work in a field where the more you relate to your audience, the more successful you are. I have always been an open person. And I’m quite sure I’m a bit too open in fact. I turned this “asset” of mine into a gimmick at work with something called “The Eligible Editor.” Just Google it. There isn’t a lot there (I was only doing it a few months) but you will see a few videos of my adventures and misadventures finding a mate. The final video so far features the guy I was seeing. That is what I’m getting at. Now that I have put so much of myself out there involving my job, it kind of feels weird going on with it. I mean I spent a week writing about my four days in Vegas with my ex. And right after that, I was writing about how we are no longer together. It’s different over at this blog for some reason. And I can be a lot less censored.

Anyway now that I’m single again, I may pick the Eligible series back up. But at the same time I’m a little gun shy. This time if I find someone, I still need to keep up a good front for the sake of show. However I had always felt that the point of the series was to eventually end it with dating someone seriously. Now I kind of feel like that isn’t as fun or as interesting. Don’t people love the self-deprecation of reality television? If so, I should never get the guy in the end unless I’m in the third season of The Bachelorette or something and even then those things don’t work out.

You know how when you start watching a bad movie that grows on you and you just have to see how it all ends? Well that is how I feel about being extremely open on the Web. And for some reason I know I will keep doing this until the directer in my head yells cut.

 

It’s all in the sheets…

There is something to be said about how we perform in bed. But there is also something to be said about the linens we perform in. I have been really reevaluating my linens. I look at what I have and know that most of them came in a bag — you know, Bed in a Bag. They are disguised as comfortable but have since lost their appeal. They bead and are faded. And aside from some super earthy, hippie-type bed covers from Urban Outfitters, most of the comforters and sheets I have are el-cheapo to the extreme. It made me wonder: Does this reflect who I chose to bed and date?

I don’t mean cheap in the monetary or even sleazy sense although I could call sleaze on a number of “winners” I’ve had the displeasure “getting to know” in that less than saintly sense. What I mean is being shorted. The reluctant acceptance of settling. Ignoring how worn out they are and in need of repair. That kind of thing. Not only that, they are kind of filled with all that old karma that I just want to burn them and start over. That would be a great idea if I had enough pocket change to replace all of them. I like options…hum, does that say something about me as well??

They all hold stories and stories of “love,” gosh-awful mistakes and just plain “what the hell were you thinking?!” At times, when I cover my head at night with them, it’s like there are a million people in my bed. Don’t get me started on the mattress. The linens, though…those things see everything while the mattress wonders what is going on but has a real good idea.

I’m big on the karma jazz. I wish that I wasn’t because replacing those damn sheets will be expensive. I am taking up an “I Want to Burn My Sheets” fund. Any takers?

How to get over someone in a hurry…

I’m not playing the jilted gal role to the fullest *insert sarcasm.* I figured some guidance was in order to further my process. And we all know that we must learn from those who have gone to battle for you in order to gain more knowledge and a thicker skin. And of course be more prepared for the pitfalls life has in store.  So here you go, folks. My how-tos on getting over someone – fast.

1. Blog. Blog. And then when you are done blogging, blog more. Sometimes some really great people have nice things to say about what you have written. And you get the occasional funny advice from the peanut gallery. Here’s my favorite. Hint: Read the first comment.
2. Become a regular over in the meetup scene. I was a naysayer at first, but so far the events have been a load of fun, I get to meet new people who make me laugh and I found myself smiling more. Plus your social calendar is ALWAYS full.
3. Be a class act about the rejection. That doesn’t mean that you can’t dish how you REALLY feel over at your personal blog, but just be sure any emails or texts are seething with very matter-of-fact realization that you know it’s over and you will live another day. (Addendum: However, don’t be surprised if the counter reaction from your ex is twice as impersonal than the one you sent.)



4. Make sure you put everything in a box and let them know they will be receiving all their stuff in the mail. Don’t wait longer than a week to do it. Follow through is important here. It’s a cleansing folks. But make sure to sell ANYTHING you really can’t use or doesn’t fit that they bought you. However, keep photos…memories tucked away in a box in the garage can be endearing or at least worth pulling out to laugh later which brings me to No. 5.
5. Make sure you are a real cheeky git and put a photo in the box you are mailing off of the two of you together with a note like, “thought you might still want this” or “this is how I always remeber us.” You may not really mean it (and they may think you have lost it), but if you know your mate is a real masturbater, it will just make you feel good knowing that your face will still be there until someone else wants to bother coming along, and putting up with their crap. Or at the very least, you laugh to yourself that he/she will worry that you may stalk them.
6. Be confident at work about the breakup. Attention cubicle dwellers: It is nearly impossible to cover up a breakup in your office environment. Just suck it up and make sure you let your coworkers know that she/he smelled like pee or something silly so everyone laughs it off and goes back to typing.
7. Get on myspace for grins. Myspace is killer for grins especially if you have some funny people on your list who have something fun to say. OK. Just swallow that pride. Myspace has it’s benefits.
8. TAKE LOTS OF PHOTOS OF YOURSELF. Especially if you are feeling extra cute that day. Every moment you embrace your greatness, is yet another moment you forget that not-so great moment when you decided to let your guard down.
9. Spend more time with your pet and your garden. Yea. This sounds cheesy but nine times out of ten both got kind of neglected if you were busy wasting your time with the wrong guy/girl. They will thank you for it — especially your bitchy cat who didn’t like him/her in the first place.
10. Clean up your place: This means linens, throw pillows — anything that has your ex’s leftover scent. Wouldn’t hurt to spray a little disinfectant on everything as well. Throw everything you can in the wash.

And there you have it. If you have done these ten things, within about two weeks of the break, you will probably forget your ex’s name. Or at the very least, better your life.

And I’m back!

That didn’t take long. I’m single once again. But I have a little more insight as to how to get over someone in a hurry because let’s face it, it has to be like pulling off a band-aid and holding your hand over the wound to taper down the sting. Look out for those how-tos later.

Below are some things I can tell you if you WANT to get rid of someone…(even if you really didn’t WANT to).

1. Get very sick and not be as fun anymore. Even if you can’t help that you are sick and have been diagnosed with disease.

2. Express that you no longer feel important in your mate’s life.

3. Tell your mate that you were planning on buying tickets to their favorite performer just for them to tell you that they are pretty sure they will have to work that week. *breathe a sigh of relief that you didn’t buy them before asking*

So that’s really it. Your significant other won’t call you for a week. And so you send one text message to your mate expressing that you have caught the hint and just like that it’s over. Your mate will probably not text or call back. Even if you have had day surgery and they didn’t even wish you well.

It hurts but you will pull yourself back together because afterall, Single IS the new relationship.

I’ve been here before…

Just came home from a night out. I started at Razoos with a cool meetup group I’m still a member of followed by all of us gathering to watch the Sex and the City movie (for some reason, that movie really made me want to take photos in my semi-cocktail dress) and ended the night with drinks at Sherlock’s. Now I know I’m not supposed to be drinking but my colonoscopy isn’t until Monday so I’ve got Sunday to cleanse and nearly die. But tonight was about not caring. I find it too difficult to stay home. Especially when I know that I could be missing out on something. But this is a familiar scene.

I thought relationships were supposed to keep me away from the singles snafu. All it seems to be doing lately is drawing me back to it. And even then, I’m kind of foreign to the protocol just by sheer age. Yea, yea…30 isn’t old. However, it’s old enough to know better.

On a side note: Do see Sex. It’s a great flick although I was kind of disappointed with the ending. If you are die-hard fans, you will know why I was. If you aren’t, you will just say, “eh, it was supposed to end like that.”

OK. Wait. So does that mean I’m single?

It’s been almost three months with the guy I’m seeing and he pretty much has all the qualities I look for in a guy. Sense of humor and all that yadda, yadda. But one of the qualities I really dig in a guy this dude has in buckets and buckets full which leaves me scratching my head as to what the hell the relationship is in reality. What is that ocean-full quality that has inspired this post? Well it’s ambition, folks. Good old fashion over-achievement, high ideals and self-serving success. I enjoy a bit of ambition and I think I have quite a bit of it. Of course that is if I can get my head out of my ass long enough to really get where I need to be by now. I’m doing OK but I could do much, much better — so I get it. I get the whole ambition racket and all the trappings it can have. However, this characteristic can easily be a four-letter word (technically eight) just as it can be admired in a person. In this case with my boyfriend (?) I’m smack in the middle. I should be happy to know that I’m not dating a couch potato but we have a committed relationship in which I’m pretty much in fifth place on his priority list. I would say the whole “he’s just not that into you” but I think it’s more like “he’s that into you, but into other things first.”

I’m not going to get into all of his aspirations because that isn’t really the point. What is the point is while he is trying to acquire all of his dreams, and apparently I may  be one of them, I don’t really spend what I consider quality time with him. This is quite funny now that I think of it because before it was all about how I felt a bit smothered in the first three weeks of the courtship. It’s still early yet, but I’ve met the family and had the whole vacation test with him.

So why does it feel like I don’t have a boyfriend? I mean I could literally put myself back out there as a single woman, and I am afraid to say that I would actually feel that I was one. What makes it even more complicated is that coming to the conclusion of being more positive about being unattached means that while distance makes the heart grow fonder, it also makes the heart go a bit stagnant and start having wanderlust. He has told me I’m important to him. But so are documents that have to be signed to complete a transaction.

Am I a bad person or is this a situation you have been in yourself? Please share.

How soon is too soon for the first date trip?

As you can see, I’ve become that annoying person who is entirely too busy with work, life and now a boyfriend. I’ve always hated people like that. Those who just couldn’t find the time to hang just because they are dating. But I’ve got a really good reason — it’s been five years. Five long years without a viable relationship and I don’t have any qualms telling you all that it’s been that long. So when something of an improvement comes along that is leaps and bounds better than the half-asses that usually come knocking, it’s kind of hard not to get distracted. I will say though: It’s not like my social calendar has been completely disrupted. I don’t seem to get constant texts or phone calls from people vying for my attention other than work so I guess what I’m really neglecting is this here blog. Sorry about that (all five of you reading…)

So here’s the latest. Next week I may possibly be heading up to Vegas with the new guy. I say possibly because I tend to have the weirdest luck and I wouldn’t be surprised if something truly ridiculous happened to hinder my going. Like maybe a freak accident or I get kidnapped or something. And given that Vegas has been the place that in the last few months EVERYONE around me seems to have gone, it just seems unfathomable that I am actually going.

Anyway, we have been dating for about a month. And let me tell you; it doesn’t feel that short and that’s not a bad thing. So I just feel comfortable enough to take this little trip. And let’s face it. How often does one get to go to Vegas? Scratch that question if you are a frequent traveler. But those of you who don’t get to satisfy that wanderlust, as is my situation, the idea is mouth-watering. And it doesn’t hurt that I will be traveling with someone I care about. Here’s my question, though: Given all the “rules” that maybe we shouldn’t invest too much in anyway, is a month kind of soon for a date trip?  You should know that the tickets are already bought so even if you happen to throw up your red stop signs and flags, I’m still going unless we experience a plague of locusts or pigs suddenly sprout wings and escape their slaughterhouse doom. However I do always value your opinions! And I’m pretty happy that being single that long, and finally examining myself, helped me to be confident enough to give this all a chance. 

So, do I ditch eHarmony?

I have a new dilemma. And I gotta tell you, I didn’t really think this would ever be an issue. As you may have read here before, I joined an eHarmony some time ago. It’s one online dating site that is based on way too many requirements. And because of that, I just can’t say I was successful at it.

However I made a few connections with some really nice guys, all of which were outside of Texas. After a while those can kind of connections fizzle out but then you just keep wondering if you will meet someone after you go through the initial two months of torture to get a good result that final month of your subscription. But the situation now is that I’m being hit up every week (and they are of course out of state) but I am not sure how to respond because now I am actually seeing someone within a 50-mile radius!

Continue reading…

Single and seeking…a home that is

So I’ve made my apologies over at my other blog too, but I’ve been a bit distracted lately. I’ve set my mind on being a homeowner. I will have a video and interesting updates here soon. Believe me, a lot has changed in my *cough* love life lately. Maybe that’s the other distraction…

Anyway, it didn’t happen overnight, but I think I’m finally ready to be a grown up. After renting for almost 10 years now, I’m taking this risk of buying a home. After speaking to my loan officer, I near about fell out of my chair when she showed me, in real hardcore numbers, how much money I’ve been wasting on apartments. No equity. No investment. And I’ve had more apartments than real committed relationships.

Though I’m ready to take this plunge, I’m treading very lightly. I know what it means to be single and taking such a step.

Although I consider myself a gal who can handle a few things on my own (pretty much anyway), I’m not sure everyday handy work is one of them. Plus the fact that living alone in a real single-family house isn’t exactly safe. Well, neither is living most places I guess but I’ve resolved that a condo or townhome might be the right first start. And I’ve convinced myself that I will feel kind of creeped out in a REAL house all by my lonesome. Every bump in the night, I can just see myself jump and look at Tiger Lily and ask frantically, ”What was that?”

Condos and townhomes still have a sense of the connectedness of apartments, only not on such a congested scale. And I don’t have to do yard work or deal with a roof. Though I don’t mind gardening and such, I have been assured by a few friends that mowing the lawn gets old after awhile.

So unless I get hitched by the time my lease is up by October, it’s me and Miss Tiger Lily — all set to for condo living. Joy.

What was that virtue again?

I think it’s alright to say that I’m currently talking to someone. He happens to be several states away though. In California. This weekend was supposed to be his first trip out to see me but work got in the way…again. I know I can’t talk. I work like it’s a husband I’m trying to keep happy. But I’m super disappointed. Am I being too impatient. My parents have always pointed out that flaw. I’m an extremely impatient person. Mostly because I don’t want to ever know I have wasted my time at anything or on anyone.

I know that things come up. But I have a list of things and places on my agenda for today that I was trying to move around or just figure out to clone myself. All the while I knew that my “main” priority was his plane arriving tonight. That isn’t going to happen. Some of you have said that building a friendship first in the event of long distance connections is best. That is happening so maybe I should continue to let that aspect build. But in the meantime, I seem to be in a constant state of jade. As in jaded. As in why do I really want the hassle of trying to strike up a relationship.

Another bad thing: I always wait for that other shoe to drop…actually I wait for several of them.

Another chance to go to prom…

Once upon a time this 30-year-old woman was 17. And she went to prom.

Not just went. I was determined to find a date. Many of my friends were going stag but at the tender age of 17, I was convinced that was NOT the way to go. I thought I just had to have a date. I knew this cute guy who was a grade under me but we were cool and had crushes on each other so I asked him.

However, this would prove to be a mistake of the grandest proportions.

Me and Barry…

Tricked ya. I’m not really dating a guy named Barry. I scored some free tickets from my favorite local radio station and I am confessing right now that I actually went to a Barry Manilow concert last night. When in doubt — go to a concert, I always say. Well, I really don’t say that, but you just never know who you may see there. I went with another single friend who loves Manilow. And may I add that I saw a good crop of good-looking lads — too bad they were looking at each other. Read more…

Be my Anti-Valentine…

It’s not that I don’t love the idea of romance. I enjoy a good romantic comedy chick flick on occasion. Notice I said on occasion. However, I just can’t get into the hype of Valentine’s Day.

OK. Before you go “oh well she’s bitter” on this single lady, listen up: We all know this holiday was created to push money in the direction of gifting corporations. As with Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, I just felt pressured all these years to feel like Valentine’s Day was really valid and important — even when I was coupled up. I remember some really interesting V-Day events as a young lassie. Some of which included a bad box of chocolates and botched dinner plans.

Read the rest…

It’s long distance: Where is it going?

I’ve had a bit of luck on eHarmony, surprisingly enough. The catch? I’m chatting up a few folks that are nowhere near where I live. My question is, where does such a thing start heading? I’ve never really been in this situation. Does this mean if we fall in love and then figure out who moves where, only to have it not last long enough to even finish out an apartment lease? I guess it’s good just to have someone to talk to, right? But what if more develops.

My best friend is currently seriously involved with a guy in the U.K. And it turns out he may even live here in the states after he visits her in April. I’m happy for her but I’m worried too — where is such a leap headed? In her case she is on a more committed route whereas I’m just chit-chatting with a few nice chaps. She has a son involved. I’ve got an ornery cat.

The weirdness of eHarmony is you either draw out a big net or a tiny one. If you do the latter, you aren’t going to dig up many fish. But if you send out a massive net, meaning you selected on your profile that distance doesn’t matter, you have more opportunity to score, so to speak. The main goal being a real relationship, I would assume, however achieving that is already difficult. If you compound that with distance then you have even more a dilemma.

I know I’m using a lot of fishing/water references lately but here’s another one: I’m just going to hang out on the dock and see what happens. Wait. That didn’t come out right…

Get out the dinghy

I recently received an email from a very old friend. We were quite the pair in middle school and high school. Now she’s married, a teacher and has two beautiful girls. One of which was the topic of her email. Her youngest is in a cutest baby contest hosted by a photographer in the area and she wanted everyone to vote. The picture is adorable — her little girl is dressed in pink feathers and wearing a sweet smile. This friend of mine is one of many who have “taken the plunge” while I’m pretty much coasting, drifting and kind of drowning!

I don’t really have that itch. You know the one. That baby itch everyone tells me I’m going to get or should already be getting now that I’m 30. I love kids but I’m not just dying to have one, which is a good thing since I’m thinking I’ve got to kind of land a real relationship first! In fact, I’m OK with not having one. But when I get these emails, you know the ones — a slideshow of what so and so’s kids did adorably on camera, the trip the family took to the nearest amusement park— that’s when I let out a dreamy sigh. I’m happy for them all but I wonder what they must think of me. Do they think my life not as fulfilled since I’ve made the decision not to have a family? Do they silently “tisk, tisk” me as I go yet another year unwed? Bottom line: I don’t really care but will admit I wonder what they think.

Grocery shopping for more than food

I have heard time and time again that you just never know who you might run into at the grocery store. You can meet people in the darnedest of places, I’ve been told. Stop looking and you just might find. Yadda, yadda…

Well if that’s the case, what do you do when you ARE at the grocery store and someone strikes your fancy? Isn’t it inappropriate, if not considered desperate, to pick someone up at the store? And more to the point, what if it’s someone working there?! Ok. I’ll admit. I have a health food store crush.

I was looking for a particular bottle of wine. I see this very nice looking young man and decide to ask him. Though he said he wasn’t a fan of chardonnay, and didn’t know what I was looking for, he still helped me out by finding someone he thought would be more abreast of such things. And then off he went…

I wanted to say something. But alas, I didn’t. And the person who came to my rescue didn’t even know what wine I was talking about (didn’t help that I didn’t know the name of it, just what the bottle looked like!) and I eventually found it myself. I wandered off to the cheese aisle and on my way, there HE was again.

“Did you find it.” Mr. Gorgeous asked.

“Yes. I did. Thank you.” I chimed.

“Let me see.” He said.

I showed him. He laughed and off he went again. Ah. Opportunity. Why do I fear you?

My speed-dating experience…CAUGHT ON CAMERA!

So as promised, here is the link to my speed-dating video.

The ridiculousness irony of speed-dating: You have nearly five minutes to make a connection with a stranger but SOOO much can come out of that little time. It’s genius really. But kind of tough too.

Last week Hurry Date was a real gem and let me check out the art that is speed-dating at Lower Greenville’s Stout. I met up with some great guys. They seemed to dig me…

But as is the world of dating, when I took my little scorecard home of my “yes” and “no” matches to plug into the Hurry Date online matching system, only three matched equally with me. I suppose that’s not bad considering that I kind of said yes to most of the guys just to throw my coin in the “eh, you never know” fountain. I’ve contacted one. Haven’t really heard from him yet. Maybe it’s because he didn’t like my wrinkled dress. But it’s early still. I’ll keep you posted.One thing is for sure though. There is no accounting for taste in the jungle that is finding a mate. While taking a little restroom break after my dates, I heard other female daters responses. Let’s just say they weren’t going home with a scorecard full of little circles around their “Y” responses. As me and the team’s assistant editor left the speed-dating establishment, it was those same girls chatting it up with some really unaware guys!Got any ideas for me to survive Valentine’s Day??

Dating — on speed

What does a video camera, a guy who doesn’t know about chemistry and Kermit the Frog have in common? They were all part of my exciting speed dating experiment last night at Stout on Lower Greenville in Dallas — courtesy of Hurry Date.

I walked into the bar a little apprehensive but curious. My ssistant editor came out with me to document my speed-dating process. Which was pretty funny considering that while we were waiting for everything to start, about two random Hurry-Daters came over and hit on her big time. Let’s just say she wasn’t all that flattered. She quickly switched one of her rings from the right hand to the left ring-finger to ward off any evil spirits…

When the time came that I got to sit down with these guys, one guy in particular stood out like a sore thumb. He was also one of the guys eyeing Aly like fresh meat on a slab from a far. I won’t go into detail but he was, well, let’s just say interesting. When he asked me what I looked for right away in a connection with a guy, I said something along the lines of “chemistry.”

“What really is chemistry, anyway?” He seemed to ask in a possibly innocent attempt to sound prolific. Hum…I’ll just leave it at that…

During this process everyone is marked with a number they put on their name tags. And you also have a “scorecard.” This is basically where you check “Y” for yes and “N” for no in accordance to the numbers. And during this process of getting to know these guys in all of nearly five-minutes a piece, I start to lose my already failing voice. I must have sounded like across between Kathleen Turner and Kermit the Frog…

At the end of the night, I took my little scorecard and filled out all my “yes” and “no” responses to each guy on Hurry Date’s matching system. You have to wait 24 hours to see who also said yes to you. Seven hours and counting…

I would get into more detail here, but you will just have to wait until the “results show” as they say in reality television lingo and stay tuned to the upcoming video of this loveless “Eligible Editor.”

*insert pity-party inspired long, drawn out sigh here*

My trust meter is broken

After all my efforts with actually trying to land a mate, wouldn’t it just be such a shame for me to lose an opportunity because I’m afraid to trust the motives of someone interested? That’s where I am today.

I have no idea how to fall into something with possibilities and just, well, BE. I seem to find myself wondering, second-guessing, and anticipating the shoe to drop. Depending on your beliefs, we technically only have one physical life. I don’t want to live it never trusting again.
It really isn’t the bitterness of past failed serious relationships that is my problem anymore. There was most assuredly a time when I didn’t necessarily hate men, but more to the point — I tried very hard to keep a thinly veiled guard up. I was always waiting for when they would hurt me. For five years I just stopped believing.

Now the issue here is trusting if whether or not advances, interests and a man’s attention are genuine. I believe it’s an enormous waste of effort, time and yes, even money, if in the end I sabotage things before they have begun! I don’t fear commitment for what it implies. I just fear the possibility of a let-down. More to the point — a devastation. Jumping in with both feet and eyes semi-closed is new to me. I think the girl, that girl in her early 20s, was quite good at that. Too good. And now that she has reached nearly 30, putting her big toe in the water is how she would rather start.

But that isn’t entirely true. Online dating to me is a risk. Joining groups of people you have never met is a risk. Even striking up a conversation with a stranger is a risk. Those are all things I’ve done in the past month. Maybe not a big deal. But to me it’s bigger than what I had been doing for the past year I just obessessed about work and getting me together. To me that’s a full plunge.

However why is it that I’ve dived in full on, but can’t mentally get past dipping my big toe in the uncharted waters of an actual possibility?

eHarmony scam…ooops I mean spam!

So I don’t really want to make this blog mainly about my online dating woes. But today eHarmony has given me much to write about. Hopefully by next week I will have a lot more stories of actually meeting REAL people.

Check this profile out. Remember that some of those answers below are predetermined after you take the personality test. The parts about what you are thankful for and what you do on your leisure time are write-ins. Doesn’t this just sniff of spam? Either I’m being spammed with bogus matches to make me feel like I’m all “popular” or someone has hacked eHarmony’s system. Either way, those 29 or so dimensions really seem like a memory…

The guy’s name is BC. Yea. Right…

The one thing bc is most passionate about:

• awesome

The three things which bc is most thankful for:

• apples
• trees
• life

bc’s friends describe him as:

• Ambitious
• Intelligent
• Easy-Going
• Good Listener

Three of bc’s best life-skills are:

• Creating a peaceful, beautiful home environment
• Long-term personal planning
• Achieving personal goals

bc typically spends his leisure time:

• sweet

I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT MY PASSINTATE LATER…

 Hahahahah! This is a good one. This guy is super cute and I’m sure we have nothing in common. But you have to read his “about me.” No words are really needed…

You make your own jokes. However, I would like for you to play a kind of “Where’s Waldo” game with everything he has done wrong here…

 

 

 

Match found…

Seeing those words in the subject line of my email used to give me a little bit of excitement. I would quickly head on over to see who this mystery guy might be. Now I yawn and say, “These four months can’t end quick enough” and check my account every other day instead of instantly. In the long line of new things I’m trying this year to get back into the dating world, online dating sites are unfortunately on my list. Right now they are kind of on another list that rhymes with quit.

If you check the comments of people on this blog, you will see a few of them credit eHarmony for finding their “special someone.” One of which claims to not be a plant for the popular online dating site.

There are other things that go along with your subscription — the repeat emails. They all seem to say the same thing: Stick this out and we promise you a husband. The buggers lure you with their uplifting speech. They make it all sound like you aren’t making a monetary mistake going with them instead of the other guys. Stuff like this:

Dear Jenice,

Your eHarmony experience is important to us. It’s also important that you understand how eHarmony works and why our process has helped so many people.

If you don’t have a match at this point in your eHarmony membership, this is because we haven’t yet found someone who is a terrific fit for you. But take heart: our system is always automatically searching for matches for you, and over 10,000 people are joining eHarmony each day.

I’m so glad they told me that. Now all of a sudden I have “hope.”

Meeting new people can sometimes take risks…

This will be a quick update.

I’ve never done the whole “meetup” thing before. It always seemed kind of risky just to join a group of folks you have never met and then join them in events. But I’m quite glad I did. Last night’s pajama party was a blast. Not many guys though. And the one everyone was drooling over had his eyes on one girl in particular. 

I didn’t wear pjs. I donned sweats and my favorite Mavericks T-shirt from a recent game. I now have a nickname from it. I think I like Maverick better than my childhood nickname of Squeaky… Overall: Best $17 I’ve ever spent — had to bring some libations.

So Larry, a frequent reader here, asked for photos…

I don’t think so sir! You will just have to believe, but really, it wasn’t as risque as it sounded. Except for the question game which included a very naughty question from me that asked, “What can you do with silly string?” Ahaha. 

Anyway, no one was half nude.

Vaccinate for V-Day

It may be a little early, but I’m starting to cook up Anti-Valentine inspiration. It’s really cheesy but hey, can’t say it isn’t a little fun. Or maybe you can. Anyway, I’m making more this week. I have one coming up that will have a syringe on it. It’s just silly but you never know what singles you may have to buy for this February. The divorce rate spikes after Christmas.

Women can not live without drama…

So there I was. Prime ready for my first event with this singles women’s group. It’s tonight and I’m still going, but yesterday was an odd flurry of emails from this one particluar woman who didn’t seem to have read not only the description of the co-ed pajama party but it also seems she didn’t read the description of the group itself.

She was upset because the pajama party was going to have boys over (it’s not really a sleepover by the way) and said that it never was stated anywhere in the emails or the event info. Not true. She just didn’t put on her reading glasses.

She sent out the most bitchy email to everyone:

My day job…

As you may know, I work in the media field. We blog every single day and I find that it’s easier to either post to my blog at work from this one or vice versa. It really works out for me. But I wanted you guys to check out what we do over there. It’s a community-submitted form of media for the Dallas/Fort Worth area and I think it’s pretty innovative for newspapers these days since so many of them are trying to do the exact same thing. My blog is called Cat Lady Rambles. Some things may look familiar but they are never written the exact same way when I post at work. I chat about all things random: being single, things that happen at work, people I meet, Tiger Lily… Just wanted to give our site a shout. With the blogs I write here and work I officially have about five!

Uh oh. Ambition need not apply…

So. What is wrong with the this picture?

Some Korean guy named “Sol” in North Carolina contacted me on eHarmony today.  He was cute. Short (5′ 6″). But cute. I’m very much a gal who dates all colors, creeds, religions, whatever — when I can get a date that is. And so “Sol” sent these questions. The bolded lines are my answers. He quickly closed me as a match afterwards. When he closed me as a match, the reason he selected was:

“I want to pursue other relationships on eHarmony.”

 

I am convinced, however, that those questions were very pointed. Let’s just face it. Black women, especially strong ones, get a bad rap and can be considered as domineering. I think he was probing to see if I fell in that category. If domineering is an alternate word for “knows what she wants, goes after it, works hard, keeps going” then give me the black leather boots and the mouth gag because dominant is the new passive aggressive.

Trying something new in pajamas

My first meet-up event is this weekend. It’s a co-ed pajama party. “What?!” you might say? Yep. A co-ed pajama party but I’m very sure it’s not as kinky as it sounds. And it isn’t an over-nighter unless people get too bombed to drive home. It really seems like this group of single women in Dallas have a great rapport with one another and are career-minded, smart and witty. I’m looking forward to it because I can only hope the same type of guys hang around them — I hope anyway. Either way, it will be a way to meet new people.

As life trudges along friendships fade away, people move away and people get married away. Every so often it is good to put yourself out there and see what new faces you can place in your life. I’ll keep you posted…

Complain and you sometimes receive

I called the online dating gods this morning and they ended up giving me another month free because I’m kind of disappointed so far. They actually have 24-hour service. Go figure. I guess they have to spend time talking people of ledges or something. I’ve always been a little impatient but that’s no excuse for what that service has scrounged up for me since signing up! So far I’ve received matches who decided that taking a picture with shorts on and no shirt, spread out all Farrah Fawcett style on their couch was a good idea. Some photos look like they were discovered in a pile of rubble that was the early disco era. Some just say silly things like, “I can’t live without my television.” And one guy said, “I’d rather not say,” when he closed me as a match. Hey. I’m cute! Right? Gee whiz.

The military guy on eHarmony pretty much shut me out even though he initiated the communication. I noticed after I answered his questions and sent him my own, he kept updating his profile but never answered my questions. How rude! So I decided to close the match. C’est la vie. I’ll live because he’s down in San Diego anyway and I wasn’t all that interested. Just wanted to broaden my horizons.

 

This will be a year of experimenting. I’ve joined a few groups from Meetup.com: A single chick one, a poetry one and museum one. There are several events going on from each of them this month. I’ll keep you updated as well as post stories and/or photos from each event. They are spread out all over the metroplex and I feel like exploring. I will also take on speed dating on Jan. 23. There should be a video of it too so you can laugh at/with me while I put myself out there.

Fending for yourself…

Yesterday a friend from work and I went to the lake by my apartment and walked. I took along my camera as I always do when I walk the lake. Usually alone. My friend had recently discovered the lake and fell in love with the area. She’s not really from here and I guess one day she just went driving, got out and walked…

Anyway this trek of ours wasn’t supposed to be that long. We both decided that before she came to my apartment. As we walked, we yapped about work of course. Where we wanted to be next year. And I snapped a lot of pics. Before we knew it I guess it may have been about 45 minutes and we looked around. I asked her if she wanted to turn back but by the look of her face and my frowned brow we both decided we were too curious and walked some more. However, we were headed nowhere near my apartment.

Now that’s adding insult to injury…

OK. So I’ve got like three lists going on my online dating profile. One is for all the so called matches, the other is for those I’m currently communicating with but the other one is a list of people either I’ve rejected or have rejected me!

The added “bonus” is that you get to send a “final message” which is to me an even bigger act of desperation than well…being there in the first place! Why would I want to keep a file of people that I don’t and they don’t want to talk to? And I’ve looked to see if you can delete this silly little list and you can’t. It just sits there. It mocks you. It sticks its tongue out at you and says, “Nanny nanny boo boo.”

Here are the “final message” options you can send…

• I have now posted my photo and when it is approved it should be available to you.
• I have completed all my Match Profile questions.
• Good luck with your search.
• I really felt that we had potential. I’d like you to reconsider.
• I think if we met, you might have different feelings about who I am.

Don’t they just scream, “Wait! Wait! I really am a worth while person!” It’s all so funny. I’m reminded of those little notes you passed in school that asked, “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” Only back then you did it for free. Maybe I wouldn’t even be here if my grandmother hadn’t gotten into the act. And it doesn’t hurt that my best friend may very well be the last of a long line of folks in my life on their way to the alter. I’m feelin’ the heat. I’m 30. Wasn’t I already supposed to have been divorced by now?

Does entrepreneur mean “unemployed?”

So it’s day two of my officially being a member of eHarmony, against my “better” judgement. So far my matches have come from mostly California. Is that a sign? Do I need to just move to land a man? Anyway, if you are unfamiliar with the eHarmony process, there is this “guided communication” they put you through. It’s like eight steps or something. The first step is sending these five preset questions that you pick. They have multiple choice answers or the match can decide to write their own answer.

I’ve connected with one guy who is a local at least. It says he’s an entrepreneur. I’ve heard time and time again when someone says they are self-employed or an entrepreneur it means they are truly unemployed. Is that true? So I picked a question about work for him to answer. I’m not sure I was convinced by the response that he is currently working. Could this be my problem all along? That I’m too picky? Me? Nah.

Then there is a solider in San Diego. He has a photo up of himself in Iraq. Hey ladies out there with soldier boys: Do I want to strike up a long distance gig with a guy who may deploy in a month? This is really hard.

Happy New Year and may it not beat me over the head like the last

I’ve made 10 resolutions. Here are two of them.

5. Get over the things I can’t change. That’s a big one.

6. Make myself more available when it comes to sparking new relationships. It’s time I’ve found grown up events and places (i.e. not bars) to frequent to nab me a man…

No. 5 means two things. Either I try to change things. Or I just let it go. And by the looks of No. 6, I’ve decided to change things. So far my time on a “popular” dating Web site has churned up a guy who looks like a 1970s uglier throwback to Huggy Bear and a potentially unemployed “entrepreneur.” The outlook doesn’t look very shiny. But it should be an interesting year. And I’m kind of ready to try a different route. I think I’m ready.

When grandma says you need a husband…

It happened. It finally happened and I could just die. My own grandmother, bless her, teasingly asked me on Christmas, “Have you found a husband yet.” Though I laughed, I was also in shock! She usually doesn’t say such things. But she is nearly 100. She can say whatever she wants! She also said she was going to go to the wedding if I found a husband. To that I caught myself saying and quickly back-peddling, “I better hurry then!”

My Granny Rose is a trip. I can’t even get mad at her for it. I just laughed, vented to my mother, laughed some more and then quickly joined eharmony. Yes. I have succumbed. But the communication is free right now so I haven’t completely committed financially yet. I say yet but I’m not so sure that’s the site to use anyway. I’ve heard more people say Match.com but I’ve had poopy results with it as well. Maybe I just need to start putting my mindset on being open to relationships again. Officially.

I’m happy that I’ve gained confidence in being a single chick with a career. But come 2008, I’m not really sure if that’s me anymore. When is just you no longer enough?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Or whatever other holidays you celebrate at the moment. I have had my first awkward holiday party moment. I’m sitting next to the family dog at the company Christmas party. The jokester of the office says, “Look, you found a date!”

HO. HO. HO.

Content vs. happy

Let’s break down the definitions:

Content means:

satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

Happy means:

1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.

These two words don’t mean the same thing, exactly. You don’t have to be happy to reach contentment. As I’ve stated early in this blog, I reached a moment of contentment  about being a single chick. I think at that time I really believed that I didn’t need or want anything more when it came to my status. I don’t think I’m the stereotypical scenario of a sad, single woman. I know what I’ve got going for me but let’s face it. It’s the damn holidays. ‘Tis the season of diamond commercials and overtly romantic ideas.

You already know I’m not particularly happy  about not being in a relationship with someone. But what I’ve never said is that I’m generally miserable about the whole thing. A bit miffed? Yes. And more miffed by the second.

Yet another person at work just got engaged. You can only be strong for so long. I guess you don’t really start loathing your not being attached until others around you start getting married — and they are younger than you. Really starts putting things in perspective. You start sniffing yourself to see if you smell…

Single is definitely the new relationship…

I’ll have to look in the mirror and ask that smug face, “What are you going to do about it?”

Mischief: The answer to the sweet life?

Yes. I am dup-posting again. (pretty sure that isn’t a word but if you start using it, give me street cred.) I just uploaded this post on my other blog but it seemed only right to share it on this blog dedicated to single speech…

While scrummaging around in my closet yesterday getting ready for the company Christmas party, I found an old fortune from who knows how long ago. It reads:

Be mischievous and you will not be lonesome…

Is it wrong that I took this to mean when it comes to men? I think I’ve been mischievous before and I appear to still be single. Let me check…

Yep. Single.

Anyway as I’ve said before the holidays are not the times many people are keeping up with blogging so I don’t know if anyone is even reading this, but I just had to write about this fortune. Not only is the scripture odd, but it’s not your typical fortune.

Most fortunes, even the really good ones you get from Pei Wei, always say something like being good to get what you want or paying it back or some other kind of funky foretelling. But to be mischievous? That sounds like an evil fortune. Did the devil spike my cookie? I wonder if I did something mischievous when I originally opened that cookie…

Does this mean I need to be all about sex and whatnot? Or does this mean that I’ve just got to kick up the sexy? I don’t know that I need to take cues from a fortune, of course. Especially one found on my floor that was possibly from two years ago that probably fell out of my jewelry box. But the coincidence that I found it just before that party is a strange one.

And I don’t know if I was fueled by it or not but I was up to a bit of mischief last night. The fortune was right. But I am pretty sure I was not alone with a potential suitor. (If that is even what “not being lonesome” meant in this particular case of odd fortune.) More like a fairly amusing night of my laughing too loud, sneaking an ill-gotten tequila shot with a coworker by the pool, talking inappropriately at a late dinner with other coworker friends and their boyfriends, and then a drive home — alone.

I have saved that fortune though. For a later date.

Preoccupation

I’m quite good at it.

I recently had a reception celebrating my first solo photography exhibit. The show is up until Jan. 8. Here are some pics from last weekend…

What is this? Could that be my father actually smiling? Yes it is. That’s also a sigh of relief that the show was up and didn’t have any major problems. I don’t have many photos here but it says enough I suppose. People came and went and I look as if I’m about to spew my wine out of my mouth in that last shot! I think my friend was saying something funny.

Please feel free to get some of your holiday items from my site. All of the purchasable prints can also be postcards and we all know you can’t have enough of those? If you do purchase stuff, you will keep that smile on my father’s face…

Because the holidays are fast approaching, I may not be on here much (just an FYI for all of my 10 readers!) but will pop in from time to time to update you on any holiday awkward singleness…

Never said I was happy about it…

There may be a misconception here at this blog. I don’t think that I’ve ever said I’m happy about being single. I’m not miserable either nor do I feel a need for someone in my life. A want? Of course and I’ve never said differently. I think if I’m going to have such an open blog about this topic, I need to make sure I get it all out there…

Some of you reading this may say it isn’t really a big deal, unaware that at times it can be a bit too much if you are a single person surrounded by those who aren’t and are curious as to why you are. This blog is to HELP me find the benefits of being single and to share them with others and have readers share them with me. Sometimes those benefits can get buried. They are often buried by society, your friends, sometimes your family and even at work.  Those times can make your situation feel really tough. That is why the topic of being alone should NEVER be swept under the rug because not everyone gets it.

I’m often reminded in my day to day life that my current predicament is what is right for me. And we are not always thrilled with our “right” decisions. If I could choose being single or being in a relationship with a man who is worth it, I’m not some dogged feminist to say “go away” to the guy. A relationship with someone would be more than great — IF it’s a relationship worth compromising and giving up a few things because as we know, you always have to give up a little in a coupled situation. If it isn’t, the connection with myself has to be strong so that dealing with being alone isn’t an agonizing process! It isn’t always easy. And I’ve never said I enjoy every minute of being unattached. However I know why I am and what good can come from it. As I know others do as well.

But happy about it? No. Accepting? Yes. And dealing with it as positively as I can from day to day — starting with my relationship with me.  It isn’t a prison sentence. But not really a walk in the park. It is all in how you see it and live with it.

Getting back in the game?

I get some interesting search engine terms that people plug in to get to this blog. One of them had to do with “dating again.” Well it made me think about an old post I wrote in a prior blog. It’s not a very old post and yet I’ve changed my thought process about getting back into the game. Mainly the part about finding a mate being a goal. Here it is word for word.

What’s funny about finally getting back into the game is right after you lose a round, you want to keep on punching. It’s like you get a boost or something and you say, “Wow, I guess I’m not entirely dead after all.” You say this to yourself as you start really looking again. But sometimes you feel like you don’t want to bother with all that dating crap anymore. Then you think, “Well it [finally functioning as a "normal" member of the dating community] happened before, maybe it can happen again.”
Vicious and nauseating cycle.
Maybe not all of us have this problem…(I’m guessing maybe it’s just weirdos like me) but after a certain age you start seeing this as desperate. However there is just something inside a person who wants to reach a goal that keeps them thirsty.
People say that you shouldn’t look for a mate. You should just go about your normal routine and let fate take its course. They always say that “when you least expect it, you will find the one you may be with the rest of your life.”
I tend to find these assumptions to be bologna. True, this happens. But so do those stupid connections you went out of your way to make.
Sometimes if you meet someone by chance, it can be exhilarating.
Sometimes so much so things fizzle.
Ah but when you’ve sought after it, it feels like a hunt, fight to the finish and what can be more satisfying than knowing you accomplished your mission?
Who am I kidding though? All of this is generally exhausting.
Are arranged marriages THAT bad?
 

Yes. They can be!

I think some of what I wrote still sticks with me. Especially the part of just “letting things happen.” I don’t think that is the way to obtain your “goal” of a relationship. But I think what has to change is your ideas about what your goal is and why you have that goal. And trying too hard is more than just a little pathetic. Since writing that post I think I’ve decided I’d rather not make a relationship a goal but instead realize it’s some kind of icing on a cake I don’t really need to eat but am curious about what kind it is, what it tastes like…and am kind of in the mood for! And I’ve officially stopped looking.

Loads of firewood…yep, that’s when you “need” a man

It was a lovely Thanksgiving of reflecting and spending time with my family. It was also a lovely 4-day weekend of roaring fires in my modest little apartment. I finished up the Christmas decorating and was inspired by cold whether and smells of pinecones to go out, get some selfish shopping done and load up on firewood.

That is when in happened. It was raining on the way home and actually most of the holiday. And then when I got home, the rain began to drizzle down harder and harder as I lugged my bags up the stairs. Then there was all the wood I stocked up on, waiting and taunting me in the back of my hatchback. And then there it was. That old (quite old) yet familiar pane of “dammit, this would be easier with TWO people.” But I managed. And quite nicely — filling my semi-in shape arms with loads of two for $6 bundles of wood. No help. No whimpering. I just got it done. But I’m not gonna lie. I was kind of wishing some dude was inside waiting for me so he could gallantly come hustling down the stairs to my “rescue.” Yea. I’ve mentioned this Winter Fever before I think so forgive the dramatic picture.

Mostly I just wanted some oaf to help. Any oaf. Gallant or not. Mine or not.  Can you pay someone for that? Oh and not have to pay for a happy ending?

Marriage is not the reason for life itself

That concept is surely something most would say that they agree with, but do we really as a society? They also happen to be the words of Alabama resident Rhea Jill Paul.

Rhea was kind enough for me to interview her about this obsession our society, especially in the South, has with marriage.

“Being born into a strict religious family in the South, I was inundated with the message that my purpose in life was to grow up, go to college, and get married,” she said. “This in fact was the pivotal factor in deciding which college to attend after graduating from high school.”

Rhea is 34 and has never been married. At 17 she began her adult studies at a private religious college. However it wasn’t the books and courses that weighed heavy on her mind — it was the constant questions from her mother of whether or not she met someone. And it wasn’t just her family applying the pressure. It was also her community.

“Because of the tremendous expectations to marry all throughout my life, when I did not find someone that was even almost suitable to have a long term relationship with, it devastated me,” she said. “That was in my twenties.”

Ring finger aware

The next installment of Let’s Talk  is coming later (quite later) today tonight. Turns out I discovered how to actually relax and didn’t do all the blogging I thought I would. But I did manage to make a few social calls…

First up was something called a Pink Party — no guys allowed — and all proceeds went to a mom who overcame breast cancer but still has the outrageous medical fees. What a great reason to break out the jello shots and banter. It was also nice to see the host again. I haven’t hung out with her in nearly a year now. I took a friend from work and we didn’t know a soul. After a few cocktails though that didn’t seem to matter as much because the food was yummy and the company was decent enough. Though a party without boys is something I would normally run from — like the wind!

I did notice something while I was there. After a few conversations with married women, I noticed myself scanning the room to see who else may have been married or otherwise betrothed in some way and showed evidence of that on left-hand ring fingers. I normally do that in a room full of men and for obvious reasons. But this was probably the first time I’ve done such in a room full of women. Because I guess it was the first time I was really sizing myself up with other chicks that could have been my age. I scanned each face, checked for the age in them. Were they my age? Older? When did they take this plunge of marriage? Why did they? More importantly why did I care? Just goes to show, as if to see what kind of lawn your neighbor is grooming, the same can be said for social engagements. I didn’t spend much time talking to everyone there and left before midnight. But I will say that most of the women were wearing a ring on that hand — all ages present. I will never really know if the lack of bare fingers were for accessorizing or were statements of commitment. I was however quite aware (more than usual) that mine was quite naked.

Next stop was an old haunt I have always enjoyed. I met up with a friend of mine from high school. She has always been very independent from men. Fought them even. But while visiting with her I discovered she is moving in with a guy she’s been seeing for almost a year. My initial reaction was shock. She never struck me as the commitment type. But there she was telling me about their first connection with each other and the whole “the rest is history” bit. All the while I was thinking: She of all people? The whole commitment thing? I never asked what held her back before but being her friend I can only imagine that most of the guys just didn’t add up until this one. And that is how I hope it worked for her. It could also be because she is reaching THAT age. The same age I’m soon to face before she even does. And we ain’t getting any younger. I could pretend that all that doesn’t really matter but sometimes it does. It just depends on how you decide to deal with it. Hopefully in her case it’s for an opportunity for a good relationship and not fear of being alone. I didn’t ask all the reasons –  not my business really. But I should have because I just have to know what changed her mind about such things. Unless such things were always a part of her character — and I just didn’t know it.

The “right” (air quotes implied) person doesn’t exactly exist, as I’ve mentioned before. However the wrong ones are ever so present and make themselves known to us more often than the less wrong ones! And even though us single folks out there may have more options in the wrong category, it doesn’t mean we need to take the wrong ones just to not be alone. Which is so easy to do when you aren’t exactly looking. And all you are really seeing is how many people around you are no longer by themselves.

Five singledom questions I keep asking myself…

I’m the only person I know that will actually spend some of her very short upcoming vacation catching up on blogging. That’s the plan come the end of this week. That’s either kind of sad or just being way too dedicated to sharing thoughts on a computer. But I happen to have my next interviewee  lined up. I find her to be a little bit of a mystery and yet the answers she gave to my questions seemed to reveal more than I expected. And Ms. Single Mama  said I can interview her as well. Stay tuned…

Some things have been running through my mind today about perspectives of single people and I’ve got a few questions to the masses. Feel free to be as candid as possible. Blunt as you want. Detailed as you feel.

1. How old is too old to be single? Is there such thing?

2. Are women more alone than men?

3. What are the most common places to meet people other than the bar?

4. Why are people so set on being married?

5. Should people be less picky?

These are all questions I’ve asked myself at some point. The answers keep changing. So what do you think?

Winter fever

It’s true. If a woman wants to get laid, all she need do is breath in the direction of a guy she’s got her eye on and the deal is sealed. I don’t have hard facts or articles to link to this so don’t look for some. Eh. It just is…

So when I started drooling over John Edwards, I knew that something was starting to turn seriously awry. I must need to get laid. I will say that as of late I haven’t really thought about it thoroughly really. I don’t wake up every day craving it. Needing it. Wondering about it. It’s just that I usually know when what I call winter fever starts to hit. To me it’s worse than spring fever. That time of year never affected me. No, it’s those times of year when it’s all cold outside and you want to get all toasty inside. The season of building intimate fires to keep warm and cream liquor flowing in glass tumblers. I think John is only the peak before the crescendo.  The last time this happened, well…Anyway.

I’ve changed so much since my winters of yesteryear. Casual sex and I will never cross paths again — I don’t think. Well all I know is that I still fear all the risks. Is it goofy to wait for “love?” Yes. It surely is. Maybe waiting for “not the guy I just met” is more feasible in today’s times.  I do believe putting my health first before whims of emotion or desire. And I choose to put my worth ahead of choosing a brief encounter. It took so very long to realize it wasn’t worth it.

So what now?

Well, thank the goddess for reoccupation after all…

The difference between selfish and focused…

As my previous post suggested, I’m kind of busy. So much so I haven’t even been dating me, myself and I. When I realized that, I pondered for a minute wondering if those who come across this blog find this “single is the new relationship” concept an act of selfishness, narcissistic.

I do kid myself a bit in my about page — I realize and even admit it’s all a bit egocentric. But some of the idea of embracing such an attitude comes from what I mentioned before — being busy. I spend so much of my day pleasing (or trying to please) others. And before I can really enjoy a relationship and say, “Gee, I’m ready to please YET ONE MORE PERSON in my life…”  I’ve had to shake myself silly and ask, “What about me?” Isn’t it time to please yourself? And I don’t mean that as dirty — unless that’s your kind of thing.

I don’t find that selfish when I give so much of myself to others and wonder where I fit in. Having a career, I guess I asked for this. All the while trying to stay focused on not just me personally and how I fit in this world, but on me emotionally. Maybe some of you can relate? So searching out other perspectives of being single, the benefits of being so, I came across this. Yes, yes. Another AskMen.com entry! I found an “article” listing the top 10 benefits of being single, here was number 2.

You can focus on your career

Life is a juggling act in which you have to keep the many elements aloft, paying equal attention to each one. But if you let one drop, you can channel your forces to the remaining parts. In the absence of a relationship, you’ll have much more time to devote to your work. You can put in those extra hours on a project to impress your boss, and even take on something else. And you don’t have to worry about sacrificing your love life, as you’ll be single and vigorous.

But should I/we (those of you in my same boat) be reeling back a bit? Of course there were other benefits listed in the “article,” I only seemed to focus on this one. Because somewhere I have forgotten the other 9, and many of them, to me, missed the mark (like the one saying you are free from nagging — that’s kind of petty.) But number 2, that one I noticed. And I don’t think it’s always a good thing to be so work-filled.

Is being busy really an excuse?

This weekend has been yet another one where work has come first. By the time I got home a little while ago, I was too beat to do anything but cook. Well, and also write this. And then I’ve got to get right back to working on deadline stuff. It isn’t any wonder busy people are single!  Tonight I’ve decided to really embrace everything I’m doing and see it as furthering my future. But at what cost, right? When do we just say enough already?

(this is really a post to excuse my not blogging since thursday!)

Though I’m not presently looking, spending so much time with my career isn’t exactly a sure fire way to get back into the dating world. Even as I type that, do I need to get back into the dating world? Everyone really makes it sound like you are missing out on something. I personally like the idea that when I finally get home, I can enjoy not being around people for a while. And in my line of work, sometimes that’s almost like heaven!

But I would love to hear your suggestions for a busy single…

Should you just stay home?

When I was quite a bit younger I always thought it was better to have a very large pool of friends. That meant that on any given night I may have gone out with three or more friends at tow. Today that kind of thing isn’t really the case anymore.

Many friends have moved away, drifted, lost common interests – so now what friends that I have left are what many people call associates –  not really that close but hang out from time to time. And I have my workmates or what close friends that stuck around through my ever-changing life. What happens though when you get older is that many of the friends left are in the middle of relationships, having children, getting married…

When you are single, those things are strangers to you. When you are confidently single those things can still shake your contentment with being alone. One of the reasons for this is what I encountered last night. Many people I know had decided to settle in with spouses and pass out candy to the Halloween trick-or-treaters. Some I didn’t call because I knew they are “dating” and nothing makes a person more flaky than a new relationship! But I’m not one to sit around and wait for things to happen. I decided to venture out on my own last night.

Some of you reading this may say why in the hell would you want to go somewhere alone? But why not? There’s no one to babysit. No one to drive home. No one to keep tabs on but yourself. And I’m happy to report that I had a great time heading out solo. Which has been the case before when I’ve made such a decision because I’m a strong advocate of not waiting around for someone to feed your happiness. You have to do this all on your own. You can’t always depend on people to share your enthusiasm of things and you can’t force them to always come along.

Instead of playing a tiny violin at your pity party next time you find yourself with possible plans but no one around to join you, go out on a limb and try it on your own. And if you are female (though males can be in danger too I guess if out alone at night!) follow these very obvious steps.

• Don’t get plastered. You don’t want to be the lonely person at the bar getting hammered. And more importantly, staying a bit more sober ensures you won’t have poor judgement come 2 a.m. Don’t let me go there…
• Walk to your car with your head up and look around at all times. Keep your keys out and look like you just pissed yourself. That facial expression alone will ward off potential harassers!
• Don’t get too comfy even if you are having a blast. Just one quick lapse in judgement can cost you a purse — or a wallet.
• Keep your class tightly in your hand — never leaving your side. Even if you have to put it on the toilet paper dispenser when you have to excuse yourself to the restroom..
• Remember to have fun. Don’t sit around worrying and feeling self-conscious about being by yourself. Sometimes it pays off in meeting new people. Some may even be alone themselves.

The bottom line is that if given the choice of attending an interesting party alone or staying at home ALONE because no one wanted to tag along, why would anyone want to sit around? Please prove me wrong if you don’t agree. I want to hear your opinions. Me? I would have been wondering what I was missing and isn’t getting out into the world one of the major points of life?

BaltAmour mention

If you are like me and aren’t from Baltimore, make sure you tell Maryann James, writer for the singles blog BaltAmour, hello. The 20-something is a copy editor for the The Baltimore Sun. And she keeps a real pulse on the dating scene there. She also has given a few mentions to this blog over at her own.

Stop by and engage in the convo. It’s fresh, entertaining and I only hope to be half the blogger she is right now!!

Dear, sad being single…

WordPress has a very interesting feature to its software as you press users already know. You have the capability to see what people have typed into a search engine in order to get to your blog. One in particular stands out everyday: sad being single. Of course I have no idea who the people are typing those three timid little words. I don’t know if they are male or female. What race they are. But none of that matters of course. I have the same message: Don’t be. Another one that comes up is a variation of being recently single after a relationship split.

The benefits of being single may not outweigh the benefits of being in a relationship for you personally, but put things in perspective. Now it’s just you. You don’t have to answer to someone else when you want to go out and do things without the other person — oh like girls’ night out, a boy’s frolic to a the local strip joint, a quick road trip, etc. I’m being slightly tongue in cheek on at least one of those suggestions. Bottom line: Claim your freedom! I’m not insensitive enough to say “get over it.” That’s unrealistic. You deserve the right to be broken up about being broken up. Have your moment. Then get past it. Yep, this is all advice and I know my disclaimer says this isn’t an advice blog. It isn’t. But I hope it’s a haven for everyone who feels upset, sad, disappointed about becoming single or still being single.

Try this if you are recently single:

• Reevaluate. Look at this as a time to reflect. Yep, that sounds sappy. But just do it. Reflect with a glass of wine if you must. Reflect with a photographic trip to the lake. Reflect with your favorite sex toy. Whatever gets you focused. I like a combo of all three myself. Er, maybe not that last one…
• Exercise realistic optimism: Once you are over being in the dumps, see this as an opportunity for a chance to start again but realize that you need to always be prepared to be alone.
• Share your day with another person who is single. The stories alone should brighten your outlook. There is always something to laugh about — trust me.

All of these suggestions are also good for those who are sad being single, still. But really, there’s nothing to be sad about. Embark in new things you could never experience with another person. Just reevaluate.

Jab, bob and leave

I tried a little experiment last week.

I’ve been reading a lot — OK, OK, the reading was on AskMen.com — about how today’s women are super independent, make their own money, handle their stuff (all that wonderful feminist banter we have come to know and love) but the complaint has been that these women are still not asking out men. And as I pushed on, search engines seemed to bring up numerous links addressing a variation of the following question, “Why don’t women ask men out?”

I disagree but only slightly because I believe that a man should take the lead at some point but not necessarily at the start. So being that I was at an event that just happened to be at a bar, I fulfilled the bar-meet-up stereotype — only I stepped up to the guy first. And I even decided to approach him as a guy would with the whole jab, bob and leave routine.

Scenario:

I said hello. Easy enough. Then I proceeded to sweet-talk him into buying a raffle for the benefit I was there supporting. When he said he hadn’t any cash and that he paid for his wristband with a check (geez), I just quickly said, “Well, I’ll get the raffle and you can just buy me a drink.” Mission accomplished and with a large grin, I might add.
The next thing I made sure of was to only keep the small talk short. When I received my drink, I said “I’ve got to get back to my friends but how about I leave you my number?”
He does one better and gives me his phone and I enter my digits.
Then he says, “If you get tired of your friends, you are welcome to come back.”
After I walked away and sat with my friends, I noticed he kept trying to hold the chair I was previously using as an anchor during our chat.

Tell me your story…

I’ve decided to take this very green and new blog to another level. I want to interview singles of all shapes, forms and circumstances and tell their story. Make sure to check out my page Let’s Talk for details. I think it can be a great opportunity for all of us to learn from one another, relate to other stories and open a great dialog. My first victim subject is a guy named Greg who has a great blog over at Dissonance. I hope to complete the first feature soon and hope more will follow!

Should you have to pay to play?

What happened to fate and chance? Oh yea, it got lost somewhere between our grab-a-quick-latte-rushing-to-work-meetings-working-weekends-running-errands-you-get-the-idea way of life. Times (as they have the habit of doing) have really changed and online dating companies make millions (if not more) on the busy single folks.  Want to know how much? Well me too. I’ll admit my limited research didn’t turn up much more than something about Yahoo! and it’s profits so far.

But consider these prices from Consumer Search:

$30 per month (est.) for Match.com

$50 per month (est.) for Chemistry.com

$60 per month (est. though you can get discount codes) for eHarmony

And consider that singles are on the rise according to the U.S. Census.

 92 million
Number of unmarried and single Americans 18 and older in 2006. This group comprised 42 percent of all U.S. residents 18 and older.

Combine the two and you know there’s a goldmine. Just Google the phrase “online dating sites” you will see tons of links on how to start your own. Preying on the unattached is now a very profitable business showing no signs of slowing down anytime soon. But why should we have to pay to meet someone?

Just because it’s on sale, you don’t have to buy it

Those words of wisdom came from The Loudmouth Protestant, one of my readers at my other blog.  I’ve got to thank LMP for her stating that phrase I’m using in the title of this post.

It was in response to a post I wrote about the burden of when someone in your past wants back in your life. And what you should do about it. As this saying obviously says, you are shopping and see something on sale and available — but do you need it?

This may seem like a quite pedestrian comparison, but I like it and it makes sense. There are so many romantics out there and I’m sure you are groaning at such a metaphor. Hey, sometimes you just need a good metaphor!I think when you are single, it can just get tempting to go back to the familiar — someone who you once had a relationship. But I say be careful on your shopping excursion. Does the outfit fit at all? Does it compliment the rest of your wardrobe? It may be on sale now, but why didn’t you purchase it before if it was a true ”must have?” Are you buying it just because you need something new and not because you need it? Sure it’s not perfect, but does it even suite you? Once you have pondered all that, the answer will probably become clearer for you. It did for me. And just because many people would choose being a couple over being confidently single, doesn’t mean you have to go snatch up the first sight of a potential reunion. Be careful and look at it with the eyes of “is this something I need in my life?”

That said, there’s nothing wrong with browsing, trying on and looking at your potential purchase in the mirror. But before you take out your heart and risk the purchase, be sure. And don’t be afraid of the alternative — being uncommitted to the excursion all together and going home without anything on your arm. It just leaves room for more opportunity at another time.

Honest and apparently flowery

I’ve been called a lot of things, but flowery has got to be an all new first for me. You can thank Good Pink Knight  (and I will thank Pink too because maybe this proves a little progress in my attitude) for that comment, which resides in a very kind shout out from Misstress M. Much appreciation to her by the way.

Yes. “Peaches and cream” and “flowery” are foreign terms in my world. I really laughed at the idea that I was accused of being about “I love you and you love me.” Again, laughable but not offensive to me because mostly it’s always been my polar opposite. Actually, I’ve been accused of being too pessimistic all my life. Accused of not seeing all the cliches: “The bright side.” “The silver lining.” “The glass half full…” I would rather say realistic optimist, but whatever.

This concept I’m writing about at this blog,  ”oneness” and “single being the new relationship” may sound really “peaches and cream” and fa la la to some, but it is a better place than the bitterness I lived in just a very short time ago when it came to being alone — hell, not even a year ago! Forgive me Miss Pink but I see this blog as a place to learn how to handle things a little better, for me and hopefully for others. A place to realize things. Discuss things. Not necessarily agree about those things but work towards a better outlook other than the potential doom and gloom of a single situation. I don’t want to be that single girl any more that can’t stand her life because she isn’t paired up.

I’m far from being light. But if that’s the tone of this content, so be it. One thing it is — real. And what I won’t apologize for is being honest.

Being OK with single makes relationships easier

One great thing about being single is not having to worry about all the relationship questions couples have to worry about. All of those restrictions of freedom, the constant compromise, the worries about trust — singles don’t have those issues. More to the point our issues are different like, “I just got invited to so and so’s party, and I need a date. Hum…” There are so many advantages to being single but some things can be inconvenient. Namely the worse being, as I stated in an earlier post, is who to trust with your loins!

But what happens when it seems that you may be getting involved again? I don’t necessarily believe that my discovery of “the new relationship” is a direct result of bitterness. Maybe at first (I will readily admit!) but that is not what it has evolved into. I will say that because of the repeat offenders to my reluctantly trusting heart, I have continued to be gun-shy. When someone comes along –again– wanting to be in my life, I am apprehensive. The difference now is that I’ve realized that I’m fine alone, which only pushes me to risk a potential relationship again. Because of my “single being the new relationship” discovery, I hope to handle things if they don’t go my way, which wasn’t always the case before.

Just because I know that life is simpler being alone, I’m not going to lie to you all and say single for life is something I want. Single being the new relationship is about being OK with oneness. So much so that when a relationship pops up, you are ready to be alone again if things go wrong. That may not seem very romantic or optimistic, but if you dissect the idea, it really is. The optimism is looking forward to getting back to YOU if/when relationships don’t work out. Too many times I’ve let myself cry in a pillow. You can cry. But stop after a day or so. Understanding single has so many benefits can guard you from pain later. And if you have the attitude of not making that person in your life the solution to anything and see he or she as an asset to your life instead of a completion, I believe the trust and relationship can be stronger.

That said taking the risk of coupledom is feasible, prepared and overall better because you know that you were a whole person before the opportunity of relationships comes knocking.

The downfall of the land of singledom: Sex

[Disclaimer: I posted this on my other blog, a writer dodging bullets. But I want to share it here and see what you single readers, (if any readers exist at this blog!) feel about this topic.]

STD free is the life for me. That may sound like a cheesy PSA or after-school special. But damn it’s so true. Being a single chick in this day and age of crazy STD stats is a tough sport. You kind of feel like saying, “It’s hard out here for a pimp…“

Because man, even though I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things your mama says you shouldn’t, I’m not really feeling like risking things. I get tested every year. And every year feels like, *coughs* dodging a bullet, even when you know you stayed safe. Do I really have to discuss the reliability, or lack there of, when it comes to protection? I hate the word abstinence but I like my life. So if I’m not catching my share of worth-a-crap fish, I’m not going to risk my health on a quick swim. What’s a girl to do when she has a healthy appetite? Good thing I don’t live in Alabama.

Some may say that the stats big bad government gives us are exaggerated. However I highly doubt it. Mainly because it seems like two out of every five people I’ve ever met in my life have or had an STD. I don’t need to Google or go to the library for reinforcements here. That alone is enough. Why is sex so appealing? What a dumb question.

What I should really be asking is why does sex have to be so damn cursed? If you believe in Genesis, then maybe Eve can be our theory. Eve messed up royally grabbing that apple. Was that the beginning of crabs? Did she and Adam get an itchy rash after sharing the bittersweet fruit? I’m not aiming at being blasphemous. I’m really asking. There has to be traceable origin of the first STD which I’m guessing was syphilis. Any STD scholars out there? The ladies over at The Blog of Knowledge have some fun and usable sex-filled advice. Maybe I should ask them… 

But I’ve really digressed. I just want to state the obvious: I have embraced and ranted about being a single gal but we all have needs — even defiant bitches like me. Some folks will tell you to get a FB. I’m not big into the FB stuff. It never ends well and someone always ends up wanting more…OR when the other gets a girlfriend or boyfriend, there went your easy access to booty.

Do I really have to get in a serious relationship to feel safe? And even when you do, man…don’t get me started on cheating. Gee after writing about it, sex seems like too much trouble…

 Here’s a victory dance…

 

How not to respond to being single

Not finding your other half…

Yep. It’s tough sometimes. But don’t let society tell you that you HAVE another half. It just makes it sound like you weren’t a whole person to begin with, which is the worse kind of outlook. When I realized this…living with singledom was a lot simpler. I’m not saying that it still isn’t wonderful to have another person in your life. But he or she shouldn’t complete you. They should compliment you.

 

I don’t fit that box

Is it because in this world of everyone having to fit in a category, that when you don’t, it just makes it that much harder for you to connect to someone else? Seems that even if you find another person “not in the box” along with you, the dynamic gets so volatile that you just end up not meshing.

For example: You go after (and pretty much settle for) a simpleton because you aren’t as simple, all the while thinking opposites attract. If this is your method (and maybe it’s just me that tried this out) you are completely delusional about your results. This effort is not productive either. Turns out you are too complicated, ending up needing more communication and connection than your simpleton counterpart.

So now what?

You decide you go on chemistry.com. Or eharmony.com (which I would never recommend because of how narrow-minded it is) because you are thinking that if you take a special test to find another person who also scored the same way on his or her special test, you may have finally cracked the code.

But what you end up doing is asking more questions than finding answers.

A.) You rethink spending hard-earned payola to find a “possible” soul mate.
B.) You ask, “Why is it that only three people match my special test?”
C.) What has become of the regular way people meet when so many sites exist keeping you in the house?

Stop and reevaluate why you are looking. I took a long and very hard look as to why I was and realized that many of the reasons were not good enough. Only one truly defines a somewhat valid reason why we look: The want of being in love and to give that kind of love to one person.

To border on the line of sap, if that kind of love in supposed to be a part of your life, it will come. And when the opportunities arrise, grab them! Now. If I can just believe that! Until then, realizing why you look can be a big part of accepting being single at this moment. Are they realistic? Are they genuine. Are they about what that person can do for you or are they even remotely about love at all?

Smashing the single woman stereotype

Single women are not generally unhappy.

However if someone were to ask me three months ago if I was terribly unhappy being single, I would have only half-way raised my hand. I say half-way because terribly unhappy is an exaggeration. A little unhappy was a realization. But if you asked me today, I would say I was finally content. That resolve didn’t happen overnight nor was it an easy road. However if you are an unhappy single woman, consider this: In a January Talk of the Nation segment, the following was discussed.

For what may be the first time, 51 percent of American women are living without a husband. And single women are more socially connected, economically stable, and happier than ever before.

This is no coincidence. Women are just getting stronger by the minute and realizing they don’t need a husband to survive. They are making their own way through life and finally putting rest the old fashioned idea of needing a significant other. Those statements aren’t my proclamation of a feminist movement. It is just fact. In my company alone there are several women who have just been promoted passed the glass ceiling and are continuing to whack the hell out of it. Even though some of them are married, they were the driven type of individuals who were well on their path of success. If they weren’t married, they could still stand on their own two feet.

As for me, the timing of my own contentment coincided with several self-realizations.

A.) I finally accepted my place in my career.

B.) I began venturing out in several avenues of self-improvement.

C.) I stopped beating myself up about marking SINGLE on those annoying little boxes on various paperwork.

Being single isn’t a fault. It isn’t something to appologize for when people around you may shake their heads and ask, “What’s so great about being single?”

From BaltAmour writer Maryann James.

I was out with two of my friends the other night, one (Friend 1) who is going through a break-up and another (Friend 2) who is still fighting a fake-up, when Friend 1 asked us, “What’s so great about being single?”

There was silence at the table. Then, being the swinging single I am, I responded, “Because you’re free! You don’t have to answer to anyone! You can be your own person!”

Which is partly true, and partly a lie. When you’re in a relationship, you can still be your own person. (In fact, I’d say it’s better when you are.) The only difference between being single and taken is that when you’re single, you can afford to be selfish and have some measure of all-about-me focus, because, well, it is only you.

Someone tell me, what is really all that sad about that?!