It never occurred to me but I seem to have been in a real pattern of dating the same kind of guy. It surprisingly wasn’t that apparent until I recently received a comment from a fellow single blogger named Elsie. She was discussing the type of guy she has come across time and time again: The Idealizer.
It is a word that surely should have a place in the dictionary with photographs of my last three “serious” relationships. Their common thread is always the same: surround you in gifts, have dreamy ideals of what the relationship is or should be or WILL be before you have even hit six months into it and when the expectations aren’t perfect, they bolt.
Here is a snippet of Elsie’s observations of such a gem:
“I’m just making inferences here, but this guy sounds like what I call an idealizer, that seeming Prince Charming who showers you with attention until you’re hooked (usually lasts no longer than three months), then rapidly loses interest when reality sets in…I will say this, though: I’ve come to believe that men like that don’t want a real relationship. They want the excitement of romance and all that comes with it. It’s not that they’re ‘just not that into you.” They’re ‘just not that into’ anybody!”
I kind of started looking back at my laundry list of men. And she was quite right. All of them started and ended about the same — way too fast. It kind of gets to be a sticky situation…like quicksand or something.
I am not known to be a very patient kind of gal, I will admit, but I can say most of my past guys have rushed things when there really wasn’t a reason to hit the finish line at record pace. I remember trying to put the brakes on and the insisting began, I gave way and then tried my best not to look back when the relationship faltered as a result.
It is truly a lesson learned and by the third round, I should know better the next time. I’ll know what to look out for — at least I hope. And if you are a single girl like me, I want to give you a list of what to be aware of before you get too serious with one of these idealizer chaps.
1. Don’t give in to presents too quickly in the relationship. Believe me, it’s nice and all, but shoes can’t comfort you in times of need. Wait. That’s not right. Some shoes kind of can…
2. Don’t do the “get away” too quickly. I have learned a lot from my Vegas saga and realized that places like Vegas will still be around, with our without a guy to take me!
3. Early talk of how great you are is wonderful. But if you have only been dating two weeks and he talks to you like you have roped the moon, RED ALERT.
4. In that same turn, if he needs constant validation, realize that is not your job. There is a time and place for everything, but if you have to constantly validate there is doom ahead. And really, isn’t validation at every turn to be left at your job and not your relationship? That kind of pressure should not be a part of a couple!
5. Steer clear for the super-ambitious guy. Life is short. It’s wonderful to have a guy with drive, but if he’s trying to tackle 10 things at once in the name of fame/glory/power/reputation, you can’t possibly fit in that equation.
I’m no expert. But more than 10 years (ah geez) of this, I should have learned something by now, right?!
good to see this
I was just wondering: would you say that all this would represent a person (in this case a guy) who falls in love with love – instead of with the person he’s with?
I’ve met a lot of frustrating guys that fit the #3 perfectly! However needy I may sometimes be, that is scary as hell when it happens the other way around!
I think you are right, Ms. Mind. That was something Elsie said in her comment. Basically they are in love with the romance of it all. They have all the big ideals for something that has only just begun. There is something to be said for a time and a place.
Thanks for the mention, Jenice! I’m really glad that my observation was helpful to you.
This is a really good list of early warning signs of an Idealizer and matches my experience, as well. I hope women (and men, too) will be wary of anything that seems rushed and will insist on taking it slow and remaining skeptical until the “honeymoon stage” is over. If someone is serious about having a relationship with you, he’ll be there tomorrow and a year from now, but a heart that’s been given too early can’t be taken back in one piece.
Wow, I think you might have dated my ex–you explained him to a tee. We went back and forth for two years, and everytime he came back to me, he’d shower me with compliments, flowers and expensive dinners. After the second abrupt breakup, I FINALLY gathered my senses and put a halt to it. It’s a hard, but important lesson for a single woman to learn!
I heard that, KMR.