Making lemonade…

Yadda, yadda. That whole lemonade bit is a pretty generic saying, but I think that’s what I’ve been trying to do over the last month — take all my lemons and make some kick ass lemonade. Maybe spiked with a little bit of Tuaca (only in my mind anyway since I’m officially not drinking anymore). I have not been over to this blog in more than a week because making this lemonade takes time. It takes a lot of sugar and patience. It takes some creativity. It takes acceptance if the concoction ends up a bit bitter and then you have to pour it out and try again.

I’ve made some adult strides in this refreshing, beverage-themed cliche. I got over my commitment issues with 401K (don’t ask and yes I’m silly to only NOW start one up at a company I’ve worked for nearly three years but that’s another story). And as of tomorrow I should be closing on a new home. Well not new. New to me anyway. I know several posts back reflected my giving it all up but somehow the fates have let me try again. Hopefully this time I will get the keys…more on that later, but if you are curious about what happened last time, read this from my other blog.

Getting over a really odd breakup has made me very grateful for a few things — namely gaining my single status though only fleeting for three whole months that I spent with that guy. I feel freer and I don’t have to look over my shoulder, wondering if I’m validating someone enough more than myself. No more of that. Nope, this lemonade is not to be shared. I’m making it myself, with a little love from family, but the fruits of my labor is all mine. And if there is anything I can tell you about considering a relationship with someone other than yourself is to be sure that you are ready to be thrown off your path. It almost happened to me and if I had continued that trek, my lemons would have been to spoiled for consumption.

 

A relationship lesson: Avoid the Idealizer

It never occurred to me but I seem to have been in a real pattern of dating the same kind of guy. It surprisingly wasn’t that apparent until I recently received a comment from a fellow single blogger named Elsie. She was discussing the type of guy she has come across time and time again: The Idealizer.

It is a word that surely should have a place in the dictionary with photographs of my last three “serious” relationships. Their common thread is always the same: surround you in gifts, have dreamy ideals of what the relationship is or should be or WILL be before you have even hit six months into it and when the expectations aren’t perfect, they bolt.

Here is a snippet of Elsie’s observations of such a gem:

“I’m just making inferences here, but this guy sounds like what I call an idealizer, that seeming Prince Charming who showers you with attention until you’re hooked (usually lasts no longer than three months), then rapidly loses interest when reality sets in…I will say this, though: I’ve come to believe that men like that don’t want a real relationship. They want the excitement of romance and all that comes with it. It’s not that they’re ‘just not that into you.” They’re ‘just not that into’ anybody!”

I kind of started looking back at my laundry list of men. And she was quite right. All of them started and ended about the same — way too fast. It kind of gets to be a sticky situation…like quicksand or something.

I am not known to be a very patient kind of gal, I will admit, but I can say most of my past guys have rushed things when there really wasn’t a reason to hit the finish line at record pace. I remember trying to put the brakes on and the insisting began, I gave way and then tried my best not to look back when the relationship faltered as a result.

It is truly a lesson learned and by the third round, I should know better the next time. I’ll know what to look out for — at least I hope. And if you are a single girl like me, I want to give you a list of what to be aware of before you get too serious with one of these idealizer chaps.

1. Don’t give in to presents too quickly in the relationship. Believe me, it’s nice and all, but shoes can’t comfort you in times of need. Wait. That’s not right. Some shoes kind of can…

2. Don’t do the “get away” too quickly. I have learned a lot from my Vegas saga and realized that places like Vegas will still be around, with our without a guy to take me!

3. Early talk of how great you are is wonderful. But if you have only been dating two weeks and he talks to you like you have roped the moon, RED ALERT.

4. In that same turn, if he needs constant validation, realize that is not your job. There is a time and place for everything, but if you have to constantly validate there is doom ahead. And really, isn’t validation at every turn to be left at your job and not your relationship? That kind of pressure should not be a part of a couple!

5. Steer clear for the super-ambitious guy. Life is short. It’s wonderful to have a guy with drive, but if he’s trying to tackle 10 things at once in the name of fame/glory/power/reputation, you can’t possibly fit in that equation.

I’m no expert. But more than 10 years (ah geez) of this, I should have learned something by now, right?!

Putting it all out there…

I work in a field where the more you relate to your audience, the more successful you are. I have always been an open person. And I’m quite sure I’m a bit too open in fact. I turned this “asset” of mine into a gimmick at work with something called “The Eligible Editor.” Just Google it. There isn’t a lot there (I was only doing it a few months) but you will see a few videos of my adventures and misadventures finding a mate. The final video so far features the guy I was seeing. That is what I’m getting at. Now that I have put so much of myself out there involving my job, it kind of feels weird going on with it. I mean I spent a week writing about my four days in Vegas with my ex. And right after that, I was writing about how we are no longer together. It’s different over at this blog for some reason. And I can be a lot less censored.

Anyway now that I’m single again, I may pick the Eligible series back up. But at the same time I’m a little gun shy. This time if I find someone, I still need to keep up a good front for the sake of show. However I had always felt that the point of the series was to eventually end it with dating someone seriously. Now I kind of feel like that isn’t as fun or as interesting. Don’t people love the self-deprecation of reality television? If so, I should never get the guy in the end unless I’m in the third season of The Bachelorette or something and even then those things don’t work out.

You know how when you start watching a bad movie that grows on you and you just have to see how it all ends? Well that is how I feel about being extremely open on the Web. And for some reason I know I will keep doing this until the directer in my head yells cut.

 

It’s all in the sheets…

There is something to be said about how we perform in bed. But there is also something to be said about the linens we perform in. I have been really reevaluating my linens. I look at what I have and know that most of them came in a bag — you know, Bed in a Bag. They are disguised as comfortable but have since lost their appeal. They bead and are faded. And aside from some super earthy, hippie-type bed covers from Urban Outfitters, most of the comforters and sheets I have are el-cheapo to the extreme. It made me wonder: Does this reflect who I chose to bed and date?

I don’t mean cheap in the monetary or even sleazy sense although I could call sleaze on a number of “winners” I’ve had the displeasure “getting to know” in that less than saintly sense. What I mean is being shorted. The reluctant acceptance of settling. Ignoring how worn out they are and in need of repair. That kind of thing. Not only that, they are kind of filled with all that old karma that I just want to burn them and start over. That would be a great idea if I had enough pocket change to replace all of them. I like options…hum, does that say something about me as well??

They all hold stories and stories of “love,” gosh-awful mistakes and just plain “what the hell were you thinking?!” At times, when I cover my head at night with them, it’s like there are a million people in my bed. Don’t get me started on the mattress. The linens, though…those things see everything while the mattress wonders what is going on but has a real good idea.

I’m big on the karma jazz. I wish that I wasn’t because replacing those damn sheets will be expensive. I am taking up an “I Want to Burn My Sheets” fund. Any takers?

How to get over someone in a hurry…

I’m not playing the jilted gal role to the fullest *insert sarcasm.* I figured some guidance was in order to further my process. And we all know that we must learn from those who have gone to battle for you in order to gain more knowledge and a thicker skin. And of course be more prepared for the pitfalls life has in store.  So here you go, folks. My how-tos on getting over someone – fast.

1. Blog. Blog. And then when you are done blogging, blog more. Sometimes some really great people have nice things to say about what you have written. And you get the occasional funny advice from the peanut gallery. Here’s my favorite. Hint: Read the first comment.
2. Become a regular over in the meetup scene. I was a naysayer at first, but so far the events have been a load of fun, I get to meet new people who make me laugh and I found myself smiling more. Plus your social calendar is ALWAYS full.
3. Be a class act about the rejection. That doesn’t mean that you can’t dish how you REALLY feel over at your personal blog, but just be sure any emails or texts are seething with very matter-of-fact realization that you know it’s over and you will live another day. (Addendum: However, don’t be surprised if the counter reaction from your ex is twice as impersonal than the one you sent.)



4. Make sure you put everything in a box and let them know they will be receiving all their stuff in the mail. Don’t wait longer than a week to do it. Follow through is important here. It’s a cleansing folks. But make sure to sell ANYTHING you really can’t use or doesn’t fit that they bought you. However, keep photos…memories tucked away in a box in the garage can be endearing or at least worth pulling out to laugh later which brings me to No. 5.
5. Make sure you are a real cheeky git and put a photo in the box you are mailing off of the two of you together with a note like, “thought you might still want this” or “this is how I always remeber us.” You may not really mean it (and they may think you have lost it), but if you know your mate is a real masturbater, it will just make you feel good knowing that your face will still be there until someone else wants to bother coming along, and putting up with their crap. Or at the very least, you laugh to yourself that he/she will worry that you may stalk them.
6. Be confident at work about the breakup. Attention cubicle dwellers: It is nearly impossible to cover up a breakup in your office environment. Just suck it up and make sure you let your coworkers know that she/he smelled like pee or something silly so everyone laughs it off and goes back to typing.
7. Get on myspace for grins. Myspace is killer for grins especially if you have some funny people on your list who have something fun to say. OK. Just swallow that pride. Myspace has it’s benefits.
8. TAKE LOTS OF PHOTOS OF YOURSELF. Especially if you are feeling extra cute that day. Every moment you embrace your greatness, is yet another moment you forget that not-so great moment when you decided to let your guard down.
9. Spend more time with your pet and your garden. Yea. This sounds cheesy but nine times out of ten both got kind of neglected if you were busy wasting your time with the wrong guy/girl. They will thank you for it — especially your bitchy cat who didn’t like him/her in the first place.
10. Clean up your place: This means linens, throw pillows — anything that has your ex’s leftover scent. Wouldn’t hurt to spray a little disinfectant on everything as well. Throw everything you can in the wash.

And there you have it. If you have done these ten things, within about two weeks of the break, you will probably forget your ex’s name. Or at the very least, better your life.

And I’m back!

That didn’t take long. I’m single once again. But I have a little more insight as to how to get over someone in a hurry because let’s face it, it has to be like pulling off a band-aid and holding your hand over the wound to taper down the sting. Look out for those how-tos later.

Below are some things I can tell you if you WANT to get rid of someone…(even if you really didn’t WANT to).

1. Get very sick and not be as fun anymore. Even if you can’t help that you are sick and have been diagnosed with disease.

2. Express that you no longer feel important in your mate’s life.

3. Tell your mate that you were planning on buying tickets to their favorite performer just for them to tell you that they are pretty sure they will have to work that week. *breathe a sigh of relief that you didn’t buy them before asking*

So that’s really it. Your significant other won’t call you for a week. And so you send one text message to your mate expressing that you have caught the hint and just like that it’s over. Your mate will probably not text or call back. Even if you have had day surgery and they didn’t even wish you well.

It hurts but you will pull yourself back together because afterall, Single IS the new relationship.