I’ve been here before…

Just came home from a night out. I started at Razoos with a cool meetup group I’m still a member of followed by all of us gathering to watch the Sex and the City movie (for some reason, that movie really made me want to take photos in my semi-cocktail dress) and ended the night with drinks at Sherlock’s. Now I know I’m not supposed to be drinking but my colonoscopy isn’t until Monday so I’ve got Sunday to cleanse and nearly die. But tonight was about not caring. I find it too difficult to stay home. Especially when I know that I could be missing out on something. But this is a familiar scene.

I thought relationships were supposed to keep me away from the singles snafu. All it seems to be doing lately is drawing me back to it. And even then, I’m kind of foreign to the protocol just by sheer age. Yea, yea…30 isn’t old. However, it’s old enough to know better.

On a side note: Do see Sex. It’s a great flick although I was kind of disappointed with the ending. If you are die-hard fans, you will know why I was. If you aren’t, you will just say, “eh, it was supposed to end like that.”

OK. Wait. So does that mean I’m single?

It’s been almost three months with the guy I’m seeing and he pretty much has all the qualities I look for in a guy. Sense of humor and all that yadda, yadda. But one of the qualities I really dig in a guy this dude has in buckets and buckets full which leaves me scratching my head as to what the hell the relationship is in reality. What is that ocean-full quality that has inspired this post? Well it’s ambition, folks. Good old fashion over-achievement, high ideals and self-serving success. I enjoy a bit of ambition and I think I have quite a bit of it. Of course that is if I can get my head out of my ass long enough to really get where I need to be by now. I’m doing OK but I could do much, much better — so I get it. I get the whole ambition racket and all the trappings it can have. However, this characteristic can easily be a four-letter word (technically eight) just as it can be admired in a person. In this case with my boyfriend (?) I’m smack in the middle. I should be happy to know that I’m not dating a couch potato but we have a committed relationship in which I’m pretty much in fifth place on his priority list. I would say the whole “he’s just not that into you” but I think it’s more like “he’s that into you, but into other things first.”

I’m not going to get into all of his aspirations because that isn’t really the point. What is the point is while he is trying to acquire all of his dreams, and apparently I may  be one of them, I don’t really spend what I consider quality time with him. This is quite funny now that I think of it because before it was all about how I felt a bit smothered in the first three weeks of the courtship. It’s still early yet, but I’ve met the family and had the whole vacation test with him.

So why does it feel like I don’t have a boyfriend? I mean I could literally put myself back out there as a single woman, and I am afraid to say that I would actually feel that I was one. What makes it even more complicated is that coming to the conclusion of being more positive about being unattached means that while distance makes the heart grow fonder, it also makes the heart go a bit stagnant and start having wanderlust. He has told me I’m important to him. But so are documents that have to be signed to complete a transaction.

Am I a bad person or is this a situation you have been in yourself? Please share.

I’m not single…now what?

I started this blog. Single as hell. Now I’m not. But I’m not so convinced that I will be married this time next year so I don’t want to kill this blog yet. Until then, I have a Let’s Talk lined up that I’m working on.  I interviewed a very pleasant young lady who squashes the stereotype of being a divorced woman. Look for it soon.

But what should this blog be in transition. I don’t think I have any authority to give advice. As you can read in the post before this one, I’m relationship stupid. But I can definitely give advice on changing your situation. I was surely a naysayer about ever getting back into relationship land. When I finally did, I pretty much mess up at every turn. Not sure I can tell you what to do once you are there, but I can surely help you into getting there in the first place. Should that be the direction of this blog along with interviews of single folks? You tell me. That is, if anyone is still reading. If not, my other blog a writer doding bullets seems much more popular.

Ah, self-deprecation.

Relationship stupid…

I’m back and kind of to my old self again. If you want to get the skinny on what happened to me over the last few weeks, read it here. Anyway, now that I’m back, I realize that when I started this blog I really had the right idea. Single truly is the new relationship and for the beginning of 2008, I began to have a new relationship with myself and tracked my journey here.  I learned to love myself more. Figure myself out more. And I know that may sound quite sappy to some of you but it isn’t as easy as it seems. It’s not like I’m so completely together right now to not look in the mirror sometimes and say, “Ugh” at myself when I think about all my mistakes so far.

But what I did do was stop obsessing negatively about being single.  I had my bouts of instanity while going through my single reevaluation process, and I am sure some of you have read them here. But overall I believe my mission was accoplished. And maybe a bit too well. Because you see, now I am in a relationship. Who knows for how long but it’s the first in five years. Five. Long. Years. And now that I am in a relationship, I don’t know crap about what I’m doing. I’ve so far pissed this man off so many times I’m surprised we are hitting the three-month mark soon.  I will say he’s not without his own flaws that piss me off but that isn’t the nugget of this point. Here is the list of things I’ve done and some of them you surely shouldn’t do.

• Request the “single” status be removed from his myspace. OK. I know this is juvenile but just let me discuss it in a future post.
• Not being intimate enough when it comes to certain things. I tend to have a guy approach to stuff. I’m not big on fourplay and so what comes off as somewhat pedestrian or not sensitive is really my wanting to cut to the movie and just skip the previews.
• I don’t pat on the back enough. I am a supportive women when it comes to my man but I guess I’m not so good at the validating bit. But should I be? That’s a silly question because I think at times I also need validation. Don’t we all? See. It’s a vicious circle.
• I like to “argue.” To me the best thing in the world for a relationship is making sure the significant other knows when I am not happy with something, or he should tell me when he is not happy with something and in my book that should be an immediate action. that way it doesn’t happen again, an understanding is reached and you don’t sit on your feelings – just ready to explode later. Some call this arguing. I call it discussing.

I’m sure there’s more but you get the point. So much focusing on me has made me miss the bigger picture of what happens when it’s no longer just me. However, if and when I am no longer attached, I will bounce back better knowing that I was more sure of myself now than I ever was before. And that, my friends, is why I don’t regret a thing about my process. And single will always be the one relationship you have to count on because, really, when it comes down to it, if you are alone you don’t have a choice but to count on yourself.

 

Back from Vegas: Less single, more sick

I was truly due a vacation. And I got it. But what I neglected to do was figure out what was wrong with me prior to having it. You see, I’ve been sick. I haven’t really discussed it here. But I have had frequent issues and the docs have been little to no help. I guess Vegas brought it all to a head. And I think I left my intestines in the airplane bathroom. Speaking of which, American Airlines is horrible and if I don’t die, I will tell you the whole story — and possibly take them to task as it seems my boyfriend has filed a complaint of their negligence. And of course I still have to share pics.

However, as it stands, I’ve been to the hospital and they assumed it was food poisoning. My doc feels differently given my priors. So at this point, I’m barely focusing on keeping my head up, let alone writing. Forgive my absence, keep me in your prayers, and hopefully I will be back shortly.

Love you all,

Jenice.