After all my efforts with actually trying to land a mate, wouldn’t it just be such a shame for me to lose an opportunity because I’m afraid to trust the motives of someone interested? That’s where I am today.
I have no idea how to fall into something with possibilities and just, well, BE. I seem to find myself wondering, second-guessing, and anticipating the shoe to drop. Depending on your beliefs, we technically only have one physical life. I don’t want to live it never trusting again.
It really isn’t the bitterness of past failed serious relationships that is my problem anymore. There was most assuredly a time when I didn’t necessarily hate men, but more to the point — I tried very hard to keep a thinly veiled guard up. I was always waiting for when they would hurt me. For five years I just stopped believing.
Now the issue here is trusting if whether or not advances, interests and a man’s attention are genuine. I believe it’s an enormous waste of effort, time and yes, even money, if in the end I sabotage things before they have begun! I don’t fear commitment for what it implies. I just fear the possibility of a let-down. More to the point — a devastation. Jumping in with both feet and eyes semi-closed is new to me. I think the girl, that girl in her early 20s, was quite good at that. Too good. And now that she has reached nearly 30, putting her big toe in the water is how she would rather start.
But that isn’t entirely true. Online dating to me is a risk. Joining groups of people you have never met is a risk. Even striking up a conversation with a stranger is a risk. Those are all things I’ve done in the past month. Maybe not a big deal. But to me it’s bigger than what I had been doing for the past year I just obessessed about work and getting me together. To me that’s a full plunge.
However why is it that I’ve dived in full on, but can’t mentally get past dipping my big toe in the uncharted waters of an actual possibility?
Now the issue here is trusting if whether or not advances, interests and a man’s attention are genuine. I believe it’s an enormous waste of effort, time and yes, even money, if in the end I sabotage things before they have begun!
You said it! I have the same problem with trust. And, like you, it’s not an issue from leftover baggage. It’s simply that I know how people are these days–they’re picky, they’re fickle, and they’re always on the hunt for something better. And I know that, at least for the first several months, if I make even one misstep, no matter how great our connection seemed up to that point, I’m liable to be dropped. This has happened enough times already that I’m constantly on my guard.
Like you, when I was in my early 20s, I was so open-hearted and trusting. In some ways, I miss that girl, naive though she was. And, maybe I shouldn’t admit this, but I envy those people who found a lasting relationship early on so that they never lost that innocent kind of faith in romance.
Nowadays, it seems that no matter how intense a man’s interest, no matter how enthusiastic his professions, no matter how well we mesh, it only takes one little blunder on my part, and he’s gone. I swear I’ve spent more time in the past four years heartbroken over relationships that never were than I have grieving the loss of actual committed love. How sad is that?
It takes a lot to be able to trust someone again, man or woman. Once we’ve been hurt or lost a loved one we just want to curl up or hide in a cupboard.
There is a whole new life out there if we only have enough courage to take that first step. Not all dating sites are bad. We just have to be cautious. If we want to find love again, then it’s not a bad place to start.
I’m not one for meeting people in a bar or at a social club as are a lot of us. So, dating sites can be a very good way of meeting new people with a view to romance if things go well. This is where they have the advantage of matching peoples profiles before you even decide to meet.
It’s then up to each of us if we take it any further.
I agree with you, I miss being that naive 20 year old, but I wouldn’t want to go back to the pains and hurts that I went through back then. Yes, I’ve become jaded in my 30 somethings, but I consider it mostly being cautious. I have recently started to not be so picky but it’s hard….
I totally understand fear and trust issues. When I was 33 my sister signed me up on match.com where I eventually met my husband. I was terrified!
http://sistersofadifferentorder.blogspot.com/2008/01/matchcom-success-story.html
I am going thru that trust issue myself. I to find it hard to trust, I am in this relationship. I don’t trust this man at all. I am so much in love with this man to the point of losing the focus on who is the most important person. I am not going go to deep. but This man is driving me nuts, I have every reason not to trust him, He have shown me that. My friends look at this man as if he can do no wrong. Like i am making things up. When he do dirt He makes it seems as if he is the victim. to the point of me second quessing myself. And I know in my heart that he is wrong. The bottom line is that i fell in love with the wrong man. and i am finding it so hard to let go. The sad truth is that i don’t need him. I think i am, in love with a devil. He seems to have such a strong hold on me, it is just hard. And yes that is a problem, TRUST…..
My goodness Lorrine…it just doesn’t stop. I can’t get this meter to work–STILL! I keep trying but it just keeps going broke again. What do we need to do?
I admit I’ve had the same issues for the past 3 yrs. My last relationship devestated me, and i’ve lost all trust since then. I don’t talk to people, go out, or even try to talk to them anymore. I just focus all my efforts on my career, which is getting harder and harder lately. The real issue for me is the opposite sex doesn’t seem to trust _me_, so how can i trust them. I’ve spent 3 yrs outdoors, working on relaxing, on being calm, on breathing, but my fear of the opposite sex doesn’t go away. I don’t know how to reverse this, since theres so much mutual resistance just to starting conversations. By the way, i’m a man.
The trick isn’t to increase your trust. It’s to learn to notice whether someone is trustworthy. A great article on the Oprah site about the trust-o-meter explains this better than I can. http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200903_omag_trust_beck/4 Hope it helps.
As for me, my trust issues ended when I came to truly believe I was a good enough person as I am, and resolved to forget anybody who didn’t care about me. Our world has 6 billion people. Why waste your time trying to change yourself to make someone love you? Who wants a relationship with someone who doesn’t love the real you anyway?