I tried a little experiment last week.
I’ve been reading a lot — OK, OK, the reading was on AskMen.com — about how today’s women are super independent, make their own money, handle their stuff (all that wonderful feminist banter we have come to know and love) but the complaint has been that these women are still not asking out men. And as I pushed on, search engines seemed to bring up numerous links addressing a variation of the following question, “Why don’t women ask men out?”
I disagree but only slightly because I believe that a man should take the lead at some point but not necessarily at the start. So being that I was at an event that just happened to be at a bar, I fulfilled the bar-meet-up stereotype — only I stepped up to the guy first. And I even decided to approach him as a guy would with the whole jab, bob and leave routine.
Scenario:
I said hello. Easy enough. Then I proceeded to sweet-talk him into buying a raffle for the benefit I was there supporting. When he said he hadn’t any cash and that he paid for his wristband with a check (geez), I just quickly said, “Well, I’ll get the raffle and you can just buy me a drink.” Mission accomplished and with a large grin, I might add.
The next thing I made sure of was to only keep the small talk short. When I received my drink, I said “I’ve got to get back to my friends but how about I leave you my number?”
He does one better and gives me his phone and I enter my digits.
Then he says, “If you get tired of your friends, you are welcome to come back.”
After I walked away and sat with my friends, I noticed he kept trying to hold the chair I was previously using as an anchor during our chat.
This isn’t where the lesson ends though, my friends. You see the girl in me decided that he looked really lonely. And I couldn’t help pushing my experiment a little further. So here comes the next lesson: Really know when to JAB, BOB AND LEAVE!
Scenario:
I’m back at the chair. I say something like my friends are fine without me. Sound the alarm because that is something you should never do. Never go back. Let the seed sew. Anyway, we proceed in conversation — quite interesting I may add. He buys me another drink. Some guys next to us buy some shots. We talk more…(uh, oh).
The problem about not doing the jab, bob and leave bit is that the conversation can go too long and you end up talking about the three no, no’s — sex, politics and religion. Please spare me the whole “well that’s an old fashion way of thinking” comment. It isn’t. Why? Well because here is how it goes down…
Sex: Leads to talking about exes. HUGE NO, NO I’ve learned time and time again.
Politics: You run into the whole risk of telling too much of yourself based on your affiliation (or non-affiliation). There went the mystery. And you can sometimes cause a blowup of ideals way too soon in this very early development of a potential relationship.
Religion: You never know. In this experiment for example, I started innocently talking about Joel Osteen and evangelists. Then this guy proceeds to tell me that old Osteen is one guy so many men would “blow” because he’s so pretty and charismatic. Uh, wait…WHAT?!
What ends up happening when you shake all this up with cocktails on top of it is that you realize you should’ve quit while you were ahead. Know when to leave. This experiment went just how I thought it would: Numbers exchanged, a pleasant bond formed but ultimately neither one of us will call one another because we said too much! And experiment or not — I ALWAYS say too much.
What I hope we’ve learned here is that the real question isn’t who should ask out or approach who — the real challenge is knowing what to do next once the first move is made. Repeat after me: Jab, bob and LEAVE!
So the night went off like a 3 second fuse on a 10 second rocket. Hey, I have been on only like 10 dates my whole life, and that was including time to be married for 38 years between my first and current wives, and I still dont discuss religion, politics and certainly sex LOL.
But the relationship was doomed at the start by your action. You broke the ice not with a diamond crystal, but with a ship. Men that cant approach a woman to start with obviously are shy because they lack social skills to initiate, maintain and bed conversations. Not bed the woman, that is a longer range goal, but knowing when to end a conversation and move to a different topic. So by you breaking the ice, you threw him into uncharted waters. Maybe he was still 2 drinks from getting the nerve to ask you anything. And if your out there with full Valkyrie battle dress on wielding your sword of tongue, all he has is a loin cloth, a beer bottle and at best a butter knife LOL. Poor guy, he never had a chance.
But what intrigues me is your statement that you ALWAYS say too much. Now, some people, and not limited to either male or female singularly, talk too much without saying anything, but others speak volumes with a few words, a few facial gestures and well, a deftly timed exit. So next time, dont tarry too long.
Bedding a woman is always the goal…are you kidding, Larry?! And just remember, this was an experiment. I didn’t really have any intention to date this guy in the future. I just did the many mistakes we all make. And I approached him, as I should have mentioned, after several glances came from his direction…
But I disagree about your ship metaphor…what are you trying to say? WOMEN can’t approach with confidence like MEN can? I did nothing different my guy friends would have done. I approached with confidence and achieved the goal of a number and conversation.
And like I said, I know I spoke with him too long. Again, I was proving a point that just because you meet someone new, doesn’t mean you have to hang out with them the whole night….
But you are right…HE DIDN’T HAVE A CHANCE!
Of course bedding is the goal, its ALWAYS the goal! But to make it successful, seduce the mind first, the rest is easy after that.
My ship comment is that you are confident, he obviously isnt/wasnt.
If he were a confident man, he would have seen you and gone over to you, not waited for the batting of eye lashes etc.
There is a difference between a vulture and a wolf. The wolf will eat what it can race down and kill, or what it comes across that is dead. But the vulture cant kill its prey, so it sits waiting patiently. You are the wolf, he was the vulture, he cannot compete with you.
Ah. Ok Larry. Now I’m blushing.
You know what I don’t understand. The men these days want women to be independent and less reliant on their income and blah blah blah. But the second we do that and stop needing them they complain. A part of me wants to say that they are intimidated by our abilities of not depending on them.
Eesh! I have asked men out and they freak the hell out!! They say that I’m too ” agressive” and that turns them off.. wtf ever I reply as I roll my eyes. I agree with Misstress M. They say they want a woman who’s strong, and not emotionally overly needy, has her own income etc but the minute we do that they complain and say we are too much like a man for them, or that we’re a bitch or what the hell ever excuse they come up with.. Men can’t live with them, can’t shoot them.
To maria… keep trying. You are just targeting the wrong guys (too young?), or it just isn’t the right fit. Throw enough darts at the board and one will hit the bullseye. I admire women who approach me and actually find it a huge turn-on. Maybe the guys you are hitting on are just insecure, don’t target the narcissist meat-heads.