The reality of a single dad

If everyone was forced to wear a T-shirt that begrudgingly boasted our relationship status ala Crimson Letter style, Greg Pierce’s would read: Divorced father of two. Single for seven and half years. However if allowed one caveat in this label hungry world, I would plaster So What? to the back of Greg’s shirt.

“The first misconception that comes to mind [about being single] is that all single people are miserable, lonely lost souls that live every day of their life looking for someone,” the 42-year-old said. “That just isn’t true in all cases. Not mine anyway.”

Greg is my first interviewee for “Let’s Talk.” He has been a resident of Houston for 18 years where he lives with his 13-year-old daughter Gabby. His oldest daughter Sara is 20 and out on her own. When asked if he would have done anything differently, he confidently said “no.”

“I’ve been pretty consistent in my life and I don’t think I could have done much else in the marriage to affect the outcome,” Greg said. “She determined that.”

His initial reaction to being divorced he said was a common one. One that begged disbelief — I can’t believe this is actually happening. Another misconception: it’s all the husband’s doing when a marriage falls apart.

BaltAmour mention

If you are like me and aren’t from Baltimore, make sure you tell Maryann James, writer for the singles blog BaltAmour, hello. The 20-something is a copy editor for the The Baltimore Sun. And she keeps a real pulse on the dating scene there. She also has given a few mentions to this blog over at her own.

Stop by and engage in the convo. It’s fresh, entertaining and I only hope to be half the blogger she is right now!!

Dear, sad being single…

WordPress has a very interesting feature to its software as you press users already know. You have the capability to see what people have typed into a search engine in order to get to your blog. One in particular stands out everyday: sad being single. Of course I have no idea who the people are typing those three timid little words. I don’t know if they are male or female. What race they are. But none of that matters of course. I have the same message: Don’t be. Another one that comes up is a variation of being recently single after a relationship split.

The benefits of being single may not outweigh the benefits of being in a relationship for you personally, but put things in perspective. Now it’s just you. You don’t have to answer to someone else when you want to go out and do things without the other person — oh like girls’ night out, a boy’s frolic to a the local strip joint, a quick road trip, etc. I’m being slightly tongue in cheek on at least one of those suggestions. Bottom line: Claim your freedom! I’m not insensitive enough to say “get over it.” That’s unrealistic. You deserve the right to be broken up about being broken up. Have your moment. Then get past it. Yep, this is all advice and I know my disclaimer says this isn’t an advice blog. It isn’t. But I hope it’s a haven for everyone who feels upset, sad, disappointed about becoming single or still being single.

Try this if you are recently single:

• Reevaluate. Look at this as a time to reflect. Yep, that sounds sappy. But just do it. Reflect with a glass of wine if you must. Reflect with a photographic trip to the lake. Reflect with your favorite sex toy. Whatever gets you focused. I like a combo of all three myself. Er, maybe not that last one…
• Exercise realistic optimism: Once you are over being in the dumps, see this as an opportunity for a chance to start again but realize that you need to always be prepared to be alone.
• Share your day with another person who is single. The stories alone should brighten your outlook. There is always something to laugh about — trust me.

All of these suggestions are also good for those who are sad being single, still. But really, there’s nothing to be sad about. Embark in new things you could never experience with another person. Just reevaluate.

Jab, bob and leave

I tried a little experiment last week.

I’ve been reading a lot — OK, OK, the reading was on AskMen.com — about how today’s women are super independent, make their own money, handle their stuff (all that wonderful feminist banter we have come to know and love) but the complaint has been that these women are still not asking out men. And as I pushed on, search engines seemed to bring up numerous links addressing a variation of the following question, “Why don’t women ask men out?”

I disagree but only slightly because I believe that a man should take the lead at some point but not necessarily at the start. So being that I was at an event that just happened to be at a bar, I fulfilled the bar-meet-up stereotype — only I stepped up to the guy first. And I even decided to approach him as a guy would with the whole jab, bob and leave routine.

Scenario:

I said hello. Easy enough. Then I proceeded to sweet-talk him into buying a raffle for the benefit I was there supporting. When he said he hadn’t any cash and that he paid for his wristband with a check (geez), I just quickly said, “Well, I’ll get the raffle and you can just buy me a drink.” Mission accomplished and with a large grin, I might add.
The next thing I made sure of was to only keep the small talk short. When I received my drink, I said “I’ve got to get back to my friends but how about I leave you my number?”
He does one better and gives me his phone and I enter my digits.
Then he says, “If you get tired of your friends, you are welcome to come back.”
After I walked away and sat with my friends, I noticed he kept trying to hold the chair I was previously using as an anchor during our chat.

Tell me your story…

I’ve decided to take this very green and new blog to another level. I want to interview singles of all shapes, forms and circumstances and tell their story. Make sure to check out my page Let’s Talk for details. I think it can be a great opportunity for all of us to learn from one another, relate to other stories and open a great dialog. My first victim subject is a guy named Greg who has a great blog over at Dissonance. I hope to complete the first feature soon and hope more will follow!

Should you have to pay to play?

What happened to fate and chance? Oh yea, it got lost somewhere between our grab-a-quick-latte-rushing-to-work-meetings-working-weekends-running-errands-you-get-the-idea way of life. Times (as they have the habit of doing) have really changed and online dating companies make millions (if not more) on the busy single folks.  Want to know how much? Well me too. I’ll admit my limited research didn’t turn up much more than something about Yahoo! and it’s profits so far.

But consider these prices from Consumer Search:

$30 per month (est.) for Match.com

$50 per month (est.) for Chemistry.com

$60 per month (est. though you can get discount codes) for eHarmony

And consider that singles are on the rise according to the U.S. Census.

 92 million
Number of unmarried and single Americans 18 and older in 2006. This group comprised 42 percent of all U.S. residents 18 and older.

Combine the two and you know there’s a goldmine. Just Google the phrase “online dating sites” you will see tons of links on how to start your own. Preying on the unattached is now a very profitable business showing no signs of slowing down anytime soon. But why should we have to pay to meet someone?

Just because it’s on sale, you don’t have to buy it

Those words of wisdom came from The Loudmouth Protestant, one of my readers at my other blog.  I’ve got to thank LMP for her stating that phrase I’m using in the title of this post.

It was in response to a post I wrote about the burden of when someone in your past wants back in your life. And what you should do about it. As this saying obviously says, you are shopping and see something on sale and available — but do you need it?

This may seem like a quite pedestrian comparison, but I like it and it makes sense. There are so many romantics out there and I’m sure you are groaning at such a metaphor. Hey, sometimes you just need a good metaphor!I think when you are single, it can just get tempting to go back to the familiar — someone who you once had a relationship. But I say be careful on your shopping excursion. Does the outfit fit at all? Does it compliment the rest of your wardrobe? It may be on sale now, but why didn’t you purchase it before if it was a true ”must have?” Are you buying it just because you need something new and not because you need it? Sure it’s not perfect, but does it even suite you? Once you have pondered all that, the answer will probably become clearer for you. It did for me. And just because many people would choose being a couple over being confidently single, doesn’t mean you have to go snatch up the first sight of a potential reunion. Be careful and look at it with the eyes of “is this something I need in my life?”

That said, there’s nothing wrong with browsing, trying on and looking at your potential purchase in the mirror. But before you take out your heart and risk the purchase, be sure. And don’t be afraid of the alternative — being uncommitted to the excursion all together and going home without anything on your arm. It just leaves room for more opportunity at another time.

Don’t fool yourself: There is no Mr./Miss Right

But there is Mr./Miss I Hope I Will Be Able to Stand You This Time Next Year.  Mr./Miss Well At Least You Are Better Than My Last One. And  Mr./Miss At Least You Don’t Snore. Of course I’m being a little facetious but let’s get real. This may not be a news flash, but Mr./Miss Right does not exist. So let’s stop looking for them. Don’t sit here and read this and say you don’t or didn’t. I think everyone can admit that at some point we have all searched out the unattainable “right.” Even though we all know it isn’t possible, I think there is a part of us that still wants to keep hope alive, so to speak.

I think we need to dissect the difference between “right” and “acceptable.” Maybe acceptable sounds like settling. It isn’t. It’s realistic. Right means perfect. It means, “My type is tall, doesn’t lie, has a great sense of humor, sense of duty, great smile, cute, handsome, great with kids, good job…etc.” Please correct me but does this person exist? The person that checks out on every line of your “list” of great qualities? Usually if this person does exist and seems to fit the bill, there is something you didn’t see lurking on the well-crafted paper. Something that you may have missed and only get to see once you are in it — and in it good. Hence, there can not be a Mr./Miss Right.

We were fed the story of Mr./Miss Right at an early age. And hopefully today’s generation has more open eyes. We were told that “your soul-mate is out there — searching for you too.” We were  told “there is someone for everyone.” But who is to say that your “true love” is only one person. For your whole life the fact that only one person on this entire planet is your perfect fit is the stuff of fairytales. And in fact who we encounter everyday are tiny pieces of what we would consider perfection. As if we could build the perfect being, we would take this person’s attitude, that person’s great way with people, this person over here’s great dimples. Each person we meet is a piece of a greater whole — just not encompassed in one. And in turn some of the characteristics you seek are really what you seek for yourself internally.

If you sat down and wrote what you really wanted in a mate, you may discover that what you truly wanted is either what you encompass already in yourself or are traits you would like to posses. If it is the latter, maybe the real challenge is trying to attain those characteristics you seek – those tiny special requests on your list — for your soul first. Not a ”soul” mate.

 Well, minus the dimples (if you don’t already have them.)

Honest and apparently flowery

I’ve been called a lot of things, but flowery has got to be an all new first for me. You can thank Good Pink Knight  (and I will thank Pink too because maybe this proves a little progress in my attitude) for that comment, which resides in a very kind shout out from Misstress M. Much appreciation to her by the way.

Yes. “Peaches and cream” and “flowery” are foreign terms in my world. I really laughed at the idea that I was accused of being about “I love you and you love me.” Again, laughable but not offensive to me because mostly it’s always been my polar opposite. Actually, I’ve been accused of being too pessimistic all my life. Accused of not seeing all the cliches: “The bright side.” “The silver lining.” “The glass half full…” I would rather say realistic optimist, but whatever.

This concept I’m writing about at this blog,  ”oneness” and “single being the new relationship” may sound really “peaches and cream” and fa la la to some, but it is a better place than the bitterness I lived in just a very short time ago when it came to being alone — hell, not even a year ago! Forgive me Miss Pink but I see this blog as a place to learn how to handle things a little better, for me and hopefully for others. A place to realize things. Discuss things. Not necessarily agree about those things but work towards a better outlook other than the potential doom and gloom of a single situation. I don’t want to be that single girl any more that can’t stand her life because she isn’t paired up.

I’m far from being light. But if that’s the tone of this content, so be it. One thing it is — real. And what I won’t apologize for is being honest.

Being OK with single makes relationships easier

One great thing about being single is not having to worry about all the relationship questions couples have to worry about. All of those restrictions of freedom, the constant compromise, the worries about trust — singles don’t have those issues. More to the point our issues are different like, “I just got invited to so and so’s party, and I need a date. Hum…” There are so many advantages to being single but some things can be inconvenient. Namely the worse being, as I stated in an earlier post, is who to trust with your loins!

But what happens when it seems that you may be getting involved again? I don’t necessarily believe that my discovery of “the new relationship” is a direct result of bitterness. Maybe at first (I will readily admit!) but that is not what it has evolved into. I will say that because of the repeat offenders to my reluctantly trusting heart, I have continued to be gun-shy. When someone comes along –again– wanting to be in my life, I am apprehensive. The difference now is that I’ve realized that I’m fine alone, which only pushes me to risk a potential relationship again. Because of my “single being the new relationship” discovery, I hope to handle things if they don’t go my way, which wasn’t always the case before.

Just because I know that life is simpler being alone, I’m not going to lie to you all and say single for life is something I want. Single being the new relationship is about being OK with oneness. So much so that when a relationship pops up, you are ready to be alone again if things go wrong. That may not seem very romantic or optimistic, but if you dissect the idea, it really is. The optimism is looking forward to getting back to YOU if/when relationships don’t work out. Too many times I’ve let myself cry in a pillow. You can cry. But stop after a day or so. Understanding single has so many benefits can guard you from pain later. And if you have the attitude of not making that person in your life the solution to anything and see he or she as an asset to your life instead of a completion, I believe the trust and relationship can be stronger.

That said taking the risk of coupledom is feasible, prepared and overall better because you know that you were a whole person before the opportunity of relationships comes knocking.

The downfall of the land of singledom: Sex

[Disclaimer: I posted this on my other blog, a writer dodging bullets. But I want to share it here and see what you single readers, (if any readers exist at this blog!) feel about this topic.]

STD free is the life for me. That may sound like a cheesy PSA or after-school special. But damn it’s so true. Being a single chick in this day and age of crazy STD stats is a tough sport. You kind of feel like saying, “It’s hard out here for a pimp…“

Because man, even though I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things your mama says you shouldn’t, I’m not really feeling like risking things. I get tested every year. And every year feels like, *coughs* dodging a bullet, even when you know you stayed safe. Do I really have to discuss the reliability, or lack there of, when it comes to protection? I hate the word abstinence but I like my life. So if I’m not catching my share of worth-a-crap fish, I’m not going to risk my health on a quick swim. What’s a girl to do when she has a healthy appetite? Good thing I don’t live in Alabama.

Some may say that the stats big bad government gives us are exaggerated. However I highly doubt it. Mainly because it seems like two out of every five people I’ve ever met in my life have or had an STD. I don’t need to Google or go to the library for reinforcements here. That alone is enough. Why is sex so appealing? What a dumb question.

What I should really be asking is why does sex have to be so damn cursed? If you believe in Genesis, then maybe Eve can be our theory. Eve messed up royally grabbing that apple. Was that the beginning of crabs? Did she and Adam get an itchy rash after sharing the bittersweet fruit? I’m not aiming at being blasphemous. I’m really asking. There has to be traceable origin of the first STD which I’m guessing was syphilis. Any STD scholars out there? The ladies over at The Blog of Knowledge have some fun and usable sex-filled advice. Maybe I should ask them… 

But I’ve really digressed. I just want to state the obvious: I have embraced and ranted about being a single gal but we all have needs — even defiant bitches like me. Some folks will tell you to get a FB. I’m not big into the FB stuff. It never ends well and someone always ends up wanting more…OR when the other gets a girlfriend or boyfriend, there went your easy access to booty.

Do I really have to get in a serious relationship to feel safe? And even when you do, man…don’t get me started on cheating. Gee after writing about it, sex seems like too much trouble…

 Here’s a victory dance…

 

How not to respond to being single

Not finding your other half…

Yep. It’s tough sometimes. But don’t let society tell you that you HAVE another half. It just makes it sound like you weren’t a whole person to begin with, which is the worse kind of outlook. When I realized this…living with singledom was a lot simpler. I’m not saying that it still isn’t wonderful to have another person in your life. But he or she shouldn’t complete you. They should compliment you.

 

Why are you staying together?

Do you really know?

I’ve had met countless people who don’t seem all that crazy about their marriage or long-term relationship. The fights are more often than the love. The incessant acceptance but secret loathing of what the other does in the relationship continues. The mind wanders to straying in all forms of what that entails. And the physical, emotional and mental distance leaves an imprint on their hearts. I speak naively of course, I’m not in a relationship. But some of those factors are why I’m not! Why do people stay together in such circumstances?

I’ve observed a few things that can possibly explain:

No. 1 and probably the most common reason is habit. Those are so hard to break as we all know but we aren’t talking about nail-biting here. Many times I’ve heard that it just becomes routine. Like getting up and brushing your teeth. The day you don’t brush your teeth you notice. But I think if you start making your relationship a matter of routine, then you are heading to the land of I’m-bored-point-me-to-Second-Life.

No.2 Fear of being alone. I know this fear. We are more than acquainted and have in fact been in a long-term relationship! However the fear of being alone has helped me make numerous mistakes. So maybe it’s time to take the fear out of oneness.

No. 3 Not having any other financial support base. While this is probably the hardest situation, it is not impossible. What with so many networks, programs and educational outlets, the days of having to rely on one person should be slowly working their way to being over. There’s a difference between getting assistance and being completely dependent.

No. 4 The kids. A very common reason. I have worked with young children before and they aren’t stupid. They know when something is up and will more likely rather you break up than stay together for them just so they can see you fighting or being distant with one another.

No. 5 is love. Very important reason by the way. But notice I didn’t say “in love.” I’m no relationship guru by no stretch of the imagination but being “in love” I feel is the key to a lasting, happy relationship. Sometimes just loving the person isn’t enough. Ask anyone who has cheated on their spouse. They will always say they love them. But do they ever say the are in love with them?

It’s OK to start a new life with yourself, by yourself. There are certain risks you can afford. Seeking a better way to live is certainly one of them.

I don’t fit that box

Is it because in this world of everyone having to fit in a category, that when you don’t, it just makes it that much harder for you to connect to someone else? Seems that even if you find another person “not in the box” along with you, the dynamic gets so volatile that you just end up not meshing.

For example: You go after (and pretty much settle for) a simpleton because you aren’t as simple, all the while thinking opposites attract. If this is your method (and maybe it’s just me that tried this out) you are completely delusional about your results. This effort is not productive either. Turns out you are too complicated, ending up needing more communication and connection than your simpleton counterpart.

So now what?

You decide you go on chemistry.com. Or eharmony.com (which I would never recommend because of how narrow-minded it is) because you are thinking that if you take a special test to find another person who also scored the same way on his or her special test, you may have finally cracked the code.

But what you end up doing is asking more questions than finding answers.

A.) You rethink spending hard-earned payola to find a “possible” soul mate.
B.) You ask, “Why is it that only three people match my special test?”
C.) What has become of the regular way people meet when so many sites exist keeping you in the house?

Stop and reevaluate why you are looking. I took a long and very hard look as to why I was and realized that many of the reasons were not good enough. Only one truly defines a somewhat valid reason why we look: The want of being in love and to give that kind of love to one person.

To border on the line of sap, if that kind of love in supposed to be a part of your life, it will come. And when the opportunities arrise, grab them! Now. If I can just believe that! Until then, realizing why you look can be a big part of accepting being single at this moment. Are they realistic? Are they genuine. Are they about what that person can do for you or are they even remotely about love at all?

Smashing the single woman stereotype

Single women are not generally unhappy.

However if someone were to ask me three months ago if I was terribly unhappy being single, I would have only half-way raised my hand. I say half-way because terribly unhappy is an exaggeration. A little unhappy was a realization. But if you asked me today, I would say I was finally content. That resolve didn’t happen overnight nor was it an easy road. However if you are an unhappy single woman, consider this: In a January Talk of the Nation segment, the following was discussed.

For what may be the first time, 51 percent of American women are living without a husband. And single women are more socially connected, economically stable, and happier than ever before.

This is no coincidence. Women are just getting stronger by the minute and realizing they don’t need a husband to survive. They are making their own way through life and finally putting rest the old fashioned idea of needing a significant other. Those statements aren’t my proclamation of a feminist movement. It is just fact. In my company alone there are several women who have just been promoted passed the glass ceiling and are continuing to whack the hell out of it. Even though some of them are married, they were the driven type of individuals who were well on their path of success. If they weren’t married, they could still stand on their own two feet.

As for me, the timing of my own contentment coincided with several self-realizations.

A.) I finally accepted my place in my career.

B.) I began venturing out in several avenues of self-improvement.

C.) I stopped beating myself up about marking SINGLE on those annoying little boxes on various paperwork.

Being single isn’t a fault. It isn’t something to appologize for when people around you may shake their heads and ask, “What’s so great about being single?”

From BaltAmour writer Maryann James.

I was out with two of my friends the other night, one (Friend 1) who is going through a break-up and another (Friend 2) who is still fighting a fake-up, when Friend 1 asked us, “What’s so great about being single?”

There was silence at the table. Then, being the swinging single I am, I responded, “Because you’re free! You don’t have to answer to anyone! You can be your own person!”

Which is partly true, and partly a lie. When you’re in a relationship, you can still be your own person. (In fact, I’d say it’s better when you are.) The only difference between being single and taken is that when you’re single, you can afford to be selfish and have some measure of all-about-me focus, because, well, it is only you.

Someone tell me, what is really all that sad about that?!